Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU?!?! What do you think????

41 replies

Lovemy3kids · 23/07/2012 10:49

My STBXH is looking after our 3 DC a couple of days each week during the school holidays - daytime only. he collects the children before I leave for work and then drops them back when I return. He has advised me, through his solicitor, that on the days that he has the children, that he will not have them overnight (even though he will be having them 3 days on the trot) as he catches up with his work when the children have gone home. He is giving his solicitor the impression that he is stopping work during the day to care for the children - which is not the case, hence the reason for no overnight stays even though as soon as the DC leave his he is straight round his girlfriends.

As it is now the school holidays, the children (obviously) want to stay up later of an evening, and I see nothing wrong in this (they are 14, 10 and 7). However, due to the fact that they are staying up later, I feel they need to spend later in bed in the morning before their dad comes to collect them. I have advised my STBXH that as this is happening, that he will have to give them breakfast.

I have received communication from him (and not through his solicitor this time), stating that if I do not feed the children before they go to his, then he will send them back into the house to be fed by me, as he may be going straight to an appointment.

AIBU to allow my children to stay in bed later in the morning due to the later bedtimes, and then expect their dad to feed them breakfast?!?

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDee · 23/07/2012 10:53

Can't he 'catch up on his work' once the DC have gone to bed? Seems silly to keep shunting them back and forth between houses. If that really isn't an option i don't think you are BU to expect him to be able to give them breakfast....how hard is it to put some cereal in a bowl and stick some toast on..?

diddl · 23/07/2012 10:53

Breakfast aside-if he is going to an appointment-who is looking after the children?

How can they stay in bed later if you need to get to work?
Confused

pictish · 23/07/2012 10:53

It sounds all very tit for tat tbh.

Why not hand them a banana and a slice of toast as they leave? While I'm certain your ex is a self serving arsehole, I think this dispute over breakfast is ridiculous and unneccessary.

I can't see that the kids' lie ins should take priority over anything else. Sorry.

Littleprincessrocks · 23/07/2012 10:54

Could you wake and feed them, and let them strop at their dad all day because they are tired?
Let him deal with them whining and sulking all day, and when he asks why they are so stroppy kindly explain that they are tired as they had to get up earlier due to needing breakfast.
That or make them go to bed earlier, and explain that they need to be up early for those 3 days, but they can stay up late on a few other nights.

Catsdontcare · 23/07/2012 10:54

He's being a dick but I guess you need him to have the kids do you can work. I would make them a pack up breakfast (muffins,fruit, juice) that they can grab and take with them.

I'm a pick your battle type and I'm not sure this one is worth fighting but yanbu though

imnotmymum · 23/07/2012 10:54

Why can he not do work when they in bed or whilst they busy doing something?? Sounds loke he wants his evening free, three days on trot of course they should stay overnight or if this is really not doable for some bizarre reason how difficult is it to get breakfast ??He will send them back until fed you do not want to know what I would say to that. YANBU

TheMonster · 23/07/2012 10:55

yep, tit for tat.
If you were putting them into some sort of childcare they would have to be up early and fed.

Olympia2012 · 23/07/2012 10:55

I think you are creating issues here.... Just keep them in normal routine for those days dad has them! They can stay up/sleep in on other days. You need to work.... So make THIS work!

Dahlen · 23/07/2012 10:56

Why the assumption that if he has to work he can hand back the DC to you as your responsibility? What happens when the DC are with you and you need to work?

DawnOfTheDee · 23/07/2012 10:57

I think the breakfast issue is distracting from the real problem which is that he won't have them overnight. If you're going to pick a battle i think that's the one you should focus on.

squeakytoy · 23/07/2012 10:58

As Pictish said, it all does sound very petty.

They are not small toddlers, they are capable of getting up and sorting themselves some breakfast anyway. Even if the teenager helps the youngest.

Does a 14 year old even need looking after while you are at work?

RedHelenB · 23/07/2012 11:00

At the end of the day you can't MAKE him give them breakfast or have them overnight so if I were you I'd be tempted to look elsewhere for childcare.

D0oinMeCleanin · 23/07/2012 11:01

Can the 14yo not make some toast when he gets to his Dad's?

Original poster
Lovemy3kids · 23/07/2012 11:23

Thanks guys :)

he is telling his solicitor that he is stopping working whilst he cares for the children during the day, so that he can work when they hav gone home (as he is self employed and mainly works from home), which is the reason why he won't have them overnight.

However, he turned up on friday morning and collected the 3 DC (who had not had breakfast) and took them straight to an appointment where he then left them in the car whilst he did this (which I am NOT happy about as he left the keys in the car with them Angry). I woke the kids up 20 mins before he turned up, so that they had enough time to get washed, dressed etc.

I don't want to get into a tit for tat situation with him, and on friday morning I did have to wake all the kids uip.

Whilst I like the idea of sending 3 stroppy kids to his for him to deal with, i do feel that this is slightly unfair on the children. Maybe I will go with the 'sorry you have to go to bed at a reasonable time due to having to get up early' approach on the nights that they are going to his.

I think i will also go with the suggestion of getting them a 'walk out' breakfast, that way if he is taking them to an appointment, they can get his precious car covered in crumbs :)

The reason the 14 year old goes is another long story....and maybe better for another thread!

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemy3kids · 23/07/2012 11:27

RedHelenB - I had arranged alternative childcare for after school as he used to collect the 2 youngest and keep them until i finished work), but when I did this (as he moaned he couldn't work full time) he got angry over it and then went straight to a solicitor trying to get a court order (which he thought would be straight forward but is proving expensive and difficult for him to do). Unfortumately, I cannot afford for the children to go to a childminder or holiday club, so need to rely on him (for the 2 or 3 days that he has agreed to each week) to care for the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemy3kids · 23/07/2012 12:02

diddl - by staying in bed later, I mean waking them at 8am, rather than 7am which is the time they get up normally during a school week, giving them an extra hour as they have had a later night

OP posts:
bejeezus · 23/07/2012 12:15

he is being a fucking idiot IMO. mine does things like this intermittently too Angry

part of being a parent is feeding your kids. And having them over night. And managing work, so that it doesnt prevent you seeing your kids!! Angry

half wit Angry

dont know what you can do though

I might be tempted to say that the arrangement doesnt work for you and the kids during the school holidays, unless he can feed them breakfast and/or have them over night. And make other arrangements for their care.

IF he can manage to feed his children or cope with working around them whilst they stay over, then great

Fairenuff · 23/07/2012 14:11

He is responsible for their care when they are with him. That includes providing food if they are hungry. If he cannot manage that basic responsibility then perhaps he should not be looking after them? He is obviously being awkward I would be tempted to call his bluff. When he picks up the children, if you leave the house at the same time and lock it behind you he won't be able to send them back in to have their breakfast will he.

Original poster
Lovemy3kids · 26/07/2012 15:44

OK - So here's what happened - I got the children up and gave them a slice of toast each - I also gave them a bag to take with them which contained a yogurt (one of the lunch box designed ones "Choobs"), a banana, a cereal bar and a carton of juice. I then received communication from him (typed by his gf) telling me that i had enough time to feed them and i should have done so and he will not take the children uunless they have eaten. He then went on to tell me that he would seek to get an non molestation order or harassment order against me as i am communicating with him and neglecting my children!!! I have a letter from him stating that he is happy to have correspondence from me regarding the children - which this was about!!

Anyway.....to top it all off, not only did he make me wait for over 10 minutes when I arrived to collect the children, he NEGLECTED to feed them Angry as he told the children that I would feed them!!!Angry Angry Angry!!!!

So, i fed them, never communicated my anger towards him, and this morning got them up in plenty of time to have their breakfast and off they went to their dads all tired and grumpy!!

I feel like I am constantly banging my head up against a brick and it seems that, what ever approach i take, it is never right!!! Sad Angry

OP posts:
LittleHarrysMum · 26/07/2012 15:50

All I have to say is what a fucking cock!

I am fuming on your behalf Angry

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 26/07/2012 15:50

Do your dc actually want to be looked after by this twat?

I'd offer them the option of going to a holiday scheme.

Original poster
Lovemy3kids · 26/07/2012 16:10

Outraged - I wish I could afford for them to go to a holiday club but, unfortunately, I cannot, hence why they go to his. he is their dad, and they do want to go to his, though the eldest has asked if he can stay at home but, as we are battling therough solicitors too, I have said that he has to go for the period that has been agreed (luckily we are off on our holiday in 11 days time, so i won't have any hassle for 2 weeks :), and the day after we return the kids are at his for 10 days) but i have said that if he doesn't want to go when the october half term comes around, then he doesn't have to and i will deal with that at the time.

I just find it all very childish and petty on his behalf, yet him and his gf are accusing me of being childish and neglectful! The bloody man won't even have his kids overnight and then lies about the real reason why to his solicitor Angry.

I'm glad to hear the viewpoint of other MNetters who can see it from my view and that i am not being unreasonable or a bad mother in a any way - because that is how he is making me fell Sad

OP posts:
bejeezus · 26/07/2012 18:54

He sounds a bit delusional? Non-molestation order? Confused

Was he abusive whilst you were with him?

Ignore all these threats. Keep a diary of everything but don't react. Non-molestation order indeed! They are Indies if you pose a threat to someone...

You need to disengage with him, he is screwing with your head. Can you arrange contact through an intermediary?

Some of these holiday clubs have ofsted numbers, so you can claim the cost in tax credits. I would seriously look at your options again. He cannot be allowed to treat you/kids like this

bejeezus · 26/07/2012 18:55

And have this thread moved to Relationships-lots of lovely ladies there with experience and good advice

Original poster
Lovemy3kids · 26/07/2012 19:19

bejeezus- my contact with him is limited, this is the first time in a couple of months we have got into discussions, as we have been going through solicitors, though my solicitor has advised me to keep contact with him regarding the kids else I am going to run up a huge financial bill-which I can't really afford. My solicitor has a copy of everything that has been said between us over this situation.

He was never abusive to me at all, though I can see now how controlling he was in our relationship - though I failed to see that at the time.

We are due to go to mediation, but I have been to a mediator my solicitor referred us to, but he wants to go to another mediator in another town as its easier for him....to which I won't agree. Not looking forward to sitting in a room with him that's for sure! :(

Not sure how to move this thread to relationships

OP posts: