AIBU?!?! What do you think????

[Lovemy3kids]

My STBXH is looking after our 3 DC a couple of days each week during the school holidays - daytime only. he collects the children before I leave for work and then drops them back when I return. He has advised me, through his solicitor, that on the days that he has the children, that he will not have them overnight (even though he will be having them 3 days on the trot) as he catches up with his work when the children have gone home. He is giving his solicitor the impression that he is stopping work during the day to care for the children - which is not the case, hence the reason for no overnight stays even though as soon as the DC leave his he is straight round his girlfriends.

As it is now the school holidays, the children (obviously) want to stay up later of an evening, and I see nothing wrong in this (they are 14, 10 and 7). However, due to the fact that they are staying up later, I feel they need to spend later in bed in the morning before their dad comes to collect them. I have advised my STBXH that as this is happening, that he will have to give them breakfast.

I have received communication from him (and not through his solicitor this time), stating that if I do not feed the children before they go to his, then he will send them back into the house to be fed by me, as he may be going straight to an appointment.

AIBU to allow my children to stay in bed later in the morning due to the later bedtimes, and then expect their dad to feed them breakfast?!?

Click report and type a message to MNHQ and the lovely ladies there will move it for you.

He sounds like an arsehole who hates not being able to control you anymore. The wanker needs to realise it's actually his kids who are going to be hurt by his behaviour, no matter how much you protect them they'll find out in the end :(

You sound like you are being very reasonable but unfortunately some people are just twats :(

Thanks glenthebattleostrich I will ask them to move it.

I am trying to be reasonable, and I am trying not to react to him, but it is sooooooo frustrating. I have tried to say that it will be his loss in the end where the DC are concerned, but he doesn't believe me. Suppose I should just sit and wait for it to happen!

Wow - he sounds barking!!!!

No practical advice - just a lot of support and - I just wanted you to know that it's HIM not you that that is behaving badly/being a shit parent.

Don't doubt yourself. Clearly he's spent a fair bit of time making you feel inadequate - it's funny how the people who do that are the ones who are actually the inadequate ones! Trust yourself x

I wouldn't go to mediation with him. Mediation is for rational adults. He is manipulative and controlling and it is not advisable to go into mediation with someone like that

What are you trying to arrange in mediation? Different childcare arrangements? You should do it through your solicitors

I wouldn't go to mediation, either. You are caring for the children and he wants mediation to be a in a place that's more suitable for him? That alone shows he isn't going to give an inch.

It is the solicitor that referred us to mediation and yes, it is over childcare matters (which is another long story that I could tell you about if you're interested!). My STBXH thought he would just waltz into his solicitor and get a court order, but a judge won't look at the case unless mediation has been tried first. I did contact my solicitor today after sending her evidence of our email conversation, and she still advised that I had to at least TRY mediation with him, just to show willing. But I already know that he will not agree to ANYTHING unless it is on his terms....and at my initial meeting with the mediator I told them that. It doesn't bode well that we can't even agree on where to have the mediation...though I attended my initial session, and by that stage he still hadn't contacted them...but since then has made contact with a mediator in another town!!!

As long as you are keeping your solicitor informed of everything and not being unreasonable yourself (which you're not, can't see HOW he can object to a packed breakfast), then it frankly sounds like he is shooting himself in the foot as hard as he can.

Surely no sensible human being will listen to someone who complaints about his kids having a packed breakfast to bring with them because he refuses to feed them.

I'm not sure if you HAVE to try mediation? If you do, sit through 1 and then say its not working for you

I did mediation. It was dreadful. The mediator is NOT there to make sure the arrangement is fair. I found it completely traumatic. DH told lots of lies and acted the victim. I have heard lots of similar stories

Tell us about your childcare issues. If you want. I think its relevant?

Hello all
We are going to move this out of AIBU and into relationships
Thanks
MNHQ

I'm a bit confused- what was his objection to your mum picking the kids up? I thought you said he could no longer do it?

Did he want you to stop working and pick them up?

His relationship with the kids is BIW responsibility, not yours (i am guilty of this too). He is making you feel responsible, and so he is controlling you, having you bending over backwards to facilitate it.

Do you have a clear idea of how you want childcare to be, which would work?

Do you know how he wants it to be? From what you have said, he doesn't really want to have them? He casts it as though he is only doing it, to begrudgingly do you a favour?

His objection was the fact I'd taken control and he didn't like it. He accused me if trying to stop him sering his Kids. He could still pick the DC up, though he moaned that he couldn't work properly. He said he wanted to come to an arrangement where we shared the childcare, but I don't have enough annual leave for this to happen, unless I pay for childcare....of which he won't contribute to. His idea of sharing the childcare does not include overnight statys unless it is his weekend to have the DC.....to me this isn't sharing the childcare.

I know I have to leave his relationship with the DC up to him, but it's hard to sit back and watch what's happening .

I am happy with the arrangements as they are for term time, but we are only 1 week into the school holidays and it is proving more hassle than what it's worth. If I arranged for DC to go to holiday club, this would not only be another expense, but also another battle to fight. I'm tired and drained with it all :(

I am not sure what he wants, as he has never communicated this either to me or through his solicitor. I think he wants to go back to collecting them after school etc so that he can then, and I quote "do more than most dads who are seperated from their kids" unquote. I would like him to have more overnight contact, which he is not willing to do :(

I have 2 exh's,2dc with each.
In both marriages,I was effectively a single parent,organising everything and doing mot of the household stuff,plus sorting out childcare whilst working full time. I was better off separating,since none of this could be negotiated to any satisfactory conclusion. And they were both emotionally unavailable ,which effectively became a way of controlling me as i sought affection which they did not want to give. Neither were abusive or controlling in other ways.

My point is this; 8 years down the line,the acrimonious divorces - financial issues and contact agreements settled,relatively good relationships with each established for the sake of the dc, I still do everything and provide everything and organise everything. their fathers have them when they can fit it in around other aspects of their own lives - work,social,holidays etc.

It i just tough luck for me,having had dc with selfish ,entitled,lazy men. They didn't want to do anything when they were married ,and don't now. Although both love their dc and enjoy fun times with them - and will "help out" with stuff like sickness from school,lifts to activities if they can......

i have had all that stuff about meals in the past,and covering holidays,oh and bringing back bags of washing from dads ,which he was "too busy" to do.... the trouble being that as long as they see their dc and the dc are happy to go when it's on offer,I have had even less clout to get these men to pull their weight in a way that fits with my life and the dc's. And they are cheerful and jolly,and i'm sure reasonable and personable to friends,colleagues etc...

Womens' work.....I'm sure this is how they see it,deep down. And it's not as if I am going to stop doing what my dc need,is it. For the record,i am not a doormat....I make a conscious effort to manage and deal with all this behaviour,as I would with anyone.I call them on it,I have demands and expectations.......they still hear it as nagging,jut as they always did.

Good luck op. I hope this works out better for you. My dc are 16.14.9 and 10 now. btw.

it is exhausting.

Have had a v small taste of this and it is infuriating and yes it is done to make a point to you.
When you get to mediation, come up with some solutions that while work for you, also give him some of what he wants i.e. half the holidays and also if it is appropriate talk to the eldest if not the two elder ones about what they want their Dad and you to do.
Continue to give the kids a quick something for breakfast, but something more substantial in the bag, but whatever you do try not to let him see or know that you need his childcare input.
Also instead of letters back and forth between solicitors you can send letters registered post, keep copies etc and keep a diary, which can all be used in court.

Honestly? It sounds like you're both playing each other off. Breakfast can take 5/10 mins.

lisaro - you're right i suppose - to start with the breakfast in the bag was playing him at his own game....but after just 1 day of doing this, I stopped stooping to his level, backed down and got the kids up early and have been giving them breakfast before they go to his. At the end of the day, IMO, he is their father, and feeding them should not be a problem, especially when he is supposed to be taking time off work to care for them, which he is not doing.

struwelpeter - I have tried to communicate with him directly on the matter, but as I have said, unless it is his way, he is not interested in compromise at all. He questions the children when they get in the car "what time did you get up, what did you have for breakfast", whic I feel is unfair. I do not question them when they get back, only asking them if they had a nice day and what they had to eat. If I ask the 2 eldest what kind of input they would like from their dad, and then go to mediation and say "I've spoken to the children and they would like....", then he will say that I am putting ideas in their heads and trying to manipulate them into what I want. I have been thinking hard about what I would like childcare, and I will put it to him when we go to mediation, but I don't think he'll compromise at all