Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

why does ex's wife want to be my friend on facebook?

83 replies

feelinglonely · 22/07/2012 17:15

I am friends with my ex on facebook and weve been exchanging msg and text once a while.Is been 8yrs since we split up but hes always been in contact.I left him bcos i wanted to settle down but he wasnt ready and he wasnt there when i needed him.I know he was hurt bcos he kept telling friends and family how much he still love me and want to do anything to have me back.I got married,had a son but it didnt work out,got back with him and we got on well.I had to relocate due to a better job offer,i manage to get one for him but yet again he wasnt ready to move with me.I got married and had three kids but he kept in contact and knew everything,sends romantic msg and tells me he still loves me.Unfortunately am seperated from my partner but i havent told him abt it.Dnt think it will be fair on him to get back with me after two marriages and four kids.(honestly i still love him).
I got a friend request from a woman on facebook and when i checked the photos,she had all this wedding pictures of them kissing,etc.I was shocked bcos i didnt know he was married so i sent him a msg to confirm but he didnt reply so i sopke to him on the phone which he confirmed they got married last two weeks.One of my friends attended so she confirmed too.Told him abt the friend request from his wife and he told me to ignore it.Am just confused why she want to be my friend.I dont hate her and am glad hes move on too but is just awkward.

OP posts:

lastnerve · 23/07/2012 11:33

Its very he told you to ignore.

and by still messaging him you are complicit in the inappropriate relationship. stop it.

Tamisara · 23/07/2012 11:35

Feelin I honestly don't think anyone is bullying you. You sound confused about what you really feel, and are trying to justify it.

You've also said conflicting things - such as you've moved on, when you still love him.

I do know what it's like to really love someone and to be deceived & confused, especially when you don't get closure (which you haven't).

I fell in love like this once. I met this guy at my sister's wedding. He was engaged, but he flirted with me. I thought nothing of it.

A few years later he called me up, having got my number from my sister. He told me he had separated from his fiancee and was single... I believed him, as my sister would have told me if he'd been lying.

I fell madly in love with him. He charmed the pants off me (both literally & metaphorically). His kids lived in Ireland, so he'd go there once a month.

It was only when I was well & truly hooked, that I discovered he was actually married. He denied it. But I couldn't live with it. I blocked his number, got rid of his email address etc.

It was hard, as I really loved him. But, eventually you do get on with life. If you continue to be friends with this guy, it will wreck you. He chose his wife. He didn't have to get married, and he didn't marry her as second best. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't care about your feelings. I'm really sorry - but he is not your friend.

On the other side, DH had a female friend, who he'd slept with on a FWB basis, before we met. I could 'tell' they weren't just friends, due to her comments, and DH confirmed that they'd slept together in the past. I could also tell that she had feelings for him, which were confirmed in her emails. She refused to be my friend on Facebook, and used to get DH to do things for her. I even found her in our house, when I was out, and pregnant with our second DD last year.

I accepted that she was his 'friend'. The funny thing is, since DD2 was born sleeping, she disappeared... now why would a friend do that? Maybe to give us space to grieve... hmmm. I think if she'd been a 'real' friend, then she would have come round, offered support. I wouldn't let her in now.

Please don't think I'm bullying you. You asked for advice - I want you to realise that you're not going anywhere with this guy. You can find another man, a better man, but you need to stop comparing them to him. The only way to do this, is to get him out of your system, and you can't do this while you are still in contact with him x

Original poster

feelinglonely · 23/07/2012 11:42

the last time we were in contact was when i spoke to him on the phone just to confirm the pics and to tell him abt the request,i dont think he will be able to, considering hes been playing games.

OP posts:

FireOverBabylon · 23/07/2012 11:51

feeinglonely please ignore his instructions in this - why should you ignore her request, it's nothing to do with him who contacts you directly via Facebook and tries to Friend you. If your sister is her friend on Facebook there's a chance of her seeing your photos and posts anyway, presuming you're your sister's Friend on FB. If you've got nothing to hide then friend her to prove it, and to show him that you're not going to do things just because he says so.

If you're going to be her friend, get rid of the photos and comments about your ex / her now husband, as they are just insensitive - you wouldn't show and comment on photos of your ex to her in real life so don't do it on Facebook either.

I would suggest that you either be friends with both of them, which will get royally up his nose and show that you're straight up in terms of him as she'll get the same enssages from both you and your sister, or neither of them, which I guess is what the other posters are getting at. If he wants to keep you "hidden" from his wife, he is, at best, playing mind games with her which you don't want to be part of.

Helltotheno · 23/07/2012 11:52

Able to what?

FireOverBabylon · 23/07/2012 11:52

enssages? messages

Offred · 23/07/2012 12:01

Also agree with the grow up and focus on your children and that it will be affecting them. It already has in a major way because you imply you have never let go and it has wrecked your other relationships.

The "I can't expect him to want me with four children" doesn't reconcile with the "I have moved on" does it? You haven't moved on, you say you love him and always have and compare everyone else to him so why on earth would you have other relationships and children with other people and all the time be mooning over this prize dickhead of a man? It is actually pathetic and I feel sorry for your children being in the middle of it.

What you describe is infatuation on your side and keeping your options open on his. Now is really the time to move on with you life and stop hanging on for him. I believe you said the stuff about him not wanting you with four kids because you wanted a "don't be silly you are still desirable give it a shot" response. Getting a response you don't want is not bullying.

Original poster

feelinglonely · 23/07/2012 12:01

able to contact me.i have nothing to hide so will just delete the pics with his comments and just add her,she may think am jealous (which am not) if i dont add her and also to stop him making those comments.

OP posts:

Offred · 23/07/2012 12:04

The way to stop her feeling jealous and him making comments is to block them from Facebook and phone...

brdgrl · 23/07/2012 12:10

If you had nothing to hide, you would not need to delete things before adding her...

I think you are finding the advice here hard to hear - but really, do try and take it on board. You say you are not interested in drama or messing about with a married man - but guess what? you already are! You didn't know, OK - now you do.

Over him? Moved on? Want to be? Great. Then drop this guy from your life, completely. Otherwise, this drama will continue. There is too much contradiction in what you say and how you are behaving.

Kaluki · 23/07/2012 12:17

Do you really think he will stop sending inappropriate messages if you add his wife as a friend?
If I was his wife I would insist he blocked you and cut off all contact.
You have obviously already made up your mind not to follow any of the good advice on here and this will carry on and you will end up the OW in their marriage (even if you don't actually do anything physical with him).

Keep on lying to yourself if you want to - but this won't end well and you WILL get hurt.

JustFabulous · 23/07/2012 12:18

Why are you adding her?

If you have truly moved on and want nothing to do with him you wouldn't want anything to do with his wife either..

Original poster

feelinglonely · 23/07/2012 12:18

ok ok thanks.block is the answer i think as i dont know how shes like,she may have a hidden agenda.block block and thanks for all your advice.

OP posts:

Offred · 23/07/2012 12:23

Do you not think both you and he have a "hidden agenda"? Please don't fall into the OW trap of thinking you are somehow more special and amazing than she is to him and that she is probably a psycho bitch. I don't get what it is that is so great about him anyway? What are these "attributes"? remembers golden cock comment

Original poster

feelinglonely · 23/07/2012 12:37

I have no hidden agenda,but hey special or no special i love him and thats how is it,facebook or no facebook nothing more.i wouldnt request a friend from her so why is she?

OP posts:

Follyfoot · 23/07/2012 12:41

I dont think you have a hidden agenda, but you definitely have an agenda ('I love him'). Dont interact with him any more, until you stop this and move on, you will be miserable.

Offred · 23/07/2012 12:42

Your hidden agenda is that you think you love him, and you are hiding away in your relationships and his that you are messaging inappropriately, it is hidden because you plan to hide it by deleting comments and pretending you are friends. I don't believe you do love him, I don't see how you could if you only speak in fb and phone and aren't together, that is infatuation not love. You sound like you want to possess him and him you, that's not love and it is a shame you have allowed an infatuation to wreck your other relationships.

Offred · 23/07/2012 12:44

And to be fair even if it was love once it is not now and it didn't work out, you were together twice and it has never worked out so I think you are crazy to not move on and to keep the secret infatuation going for so long.

ChitChatFlyingby · 23/07/2012 12:46

You may not be actively contacting him a lot, by sending him messages, etc. But you are allowing him to send you messages, which you are reading, regardless of whether you are responding. That is still 'contact'. That is why people are saying block HIM from facebook. By having him as a friend on facebook he gets to see all of your updates, that is CONTACT.

Be kind to yourself, be kind to his new wife (the poor thing!), and stop all contact. That means blocking him on facebook so that you can't see his updates and he can't see yours. That means not responding to txts and emails. That means not answering the phone. That is what going no contact truly is. You're not really 'no contact'.

doinmummy · 23/07/2012 12:49

She has added you because she knows something is going on and wants to find out more.

He is obvioulsy a shit. Concentrate on yourself not a doomed relationship that will never be any good for anyone involved with him.

It sounds as if you are flattered by his attention and are reluctant to really let go.

Original poster

feelinglonely · 23/07/2012 12:53

thats why ive said am blocking him and have not contact since i spoke to him.I will not contacting him agian i know is stupid love JUST BEEN HONEST ABOUT MY FEELINGS.I will block him now thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

feelinglonely · 23/07/2012 13:00

i have said over and over again,i will not get together with him but pp keeps saying i will.Love is not something that just go away.As far as i know he is just a friend i love but will cease any contact from now on.

OP posts:

Shelby2010 · 23/07/2012 13:04

Maybe she's wondering why you didn't send them a wedding present or at least a card. Which would be the normal thing to do if an old friend was getting married.

Your ex isn't much of a friend as he has been lying to you for that last year or so about his life. Obviously he has never mentioned her to you, certainly not in terms of it being a serious relationship that he was finally ready to commit to...... Aren't you really, really annoyed about that? I would be.

I understand that you are feeling hurt & upset about all this, when you have just come out of one relationship it's easy to look back on previous ones with Rose-tinted glasses. However you have to accept that it wasn't that he didn't want commitment, he just didn't want it with you.

Block them both & move on!

EmilieFloge · 23/07/2012 13:08

I think that he sounds a really useless friend to have - he wants to keep you separate so you are still a nice fantasy for him, as well as having his new wife which I think makes him sound a proper arse, really.

I'm sorry, I do think it is best if you cut him out of your life not because you are a threat to his marriage - you sound nice - but because he is using you.

And you don't need a friend like that, honestly.

I have had similar issues with my first child's father who when he began seeing our child after many years absence, began to make moves on me as well - I am single, he is married to someone new, but I think he likes having these little compartments in his life. It makes me feel sorry for his wife, and though I know I am not a threat to their marriage, I do realise I'm being used by him as some kind of escapism.

As far as I'm concerned he can keep on fantasising as we were together when they met, so I almost think she doesn't deserve for me to devote a lot of indignation to the situation - he's that sort of man - but it makes me respect him less.

I hope you are Ok OP.

Original poster

feelinglonely · 23/07/2012 13:13

THANKS i understand and thats why am blocking him, do my best to forget the stupid feelings,and give other men the chance in my heart.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4