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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

why does ex's wife want to be my friend on facebook?

83 replies

feelinglonely · 22/07/2012 17:15

I am friends with my ex on facebook and weve been exchanging msg and text once a while.Is been 8yrs since we split up but hes always been in contact.I left him bcos i wanted to settle down but he wasnt ready and he wasnt there when i needed him.I know he was hurt bcos he kept telling friends and family how much he still love me and want to do anything to have me back.I got married,had a son but it didnt work out,got back with him and we got on well.I had to relocate due to a better job offer,i manage to get one for him but yet again he wasnt ready to move with me.I got married and had three kids but he kept in contact and knew everything,sends romantic msg and tells me he still loves me.Unfortunately am seperated from my partner but i havent told him abt it.Dnt think it will be fair on him to get back with me after two marriages and four kids.(honestly i still love him).
I got a friend request from a woman on facebook and when i checked the photos,she had all this wedding pictures of them kissing,etc.I was shocked bcos i didnt know he was married so i sent him a msg to confirm but he didnt reply so i sopke to him on the phone which he confirmed they got married last two weeks.One of my friends attended so she confirmed too.Told him abt the friend request from his wife and he told me to ignore it.Am just confused why she want to be my friend.I dont hate her and am glad hes move on too but is just awkward.

OP posts:

oldqueenie · 23/07/2012 09:42

you really can't understand it? or you choose not to think about what it would feel like to be in her shoes... newly married to a commitment phobic, sneaky, disrespectful twat.... really ? you sound like a bit of a drama queen to me and completely blind to the reality of this man.

Original poster

feelinglonely · 23/07/2012 09:53

Drama queen?this is reality, something that is going on which is confusing. What drama am not sure.

OP posts:

JustFabulous · 23/07/2012 09:59

You really need to grow up. I know that is hard to hear as I have had it said to me when I was mooning over an ex. It is true though. You are talking like you are trying to make out you have no idea why she would be messaging you when you know exactly why she is.

Cut all contact. Block him. Stop being an idiot and sort your life out. You have kids that need looking after.

Original poster

feelinglonely · 23/07/2012 10:02

Am here for honest advice please not to be bulied.I do not consider this man as part of my life right now is just stupid I still love him and just need advice.Drama queen(shocked).

OP posts:

JustFabulous · 23/07/2012 10:06

You are getting honest advice. You are not being bullied. Sometimes advice is right but hard to hear. If he is not part of your life why all this?

You have had plenty of advice as to what to do and from experience the only way to get past feelings for someone you can't be with is to cut all contact.

PineappleBed · 23/07/2012 10:13

It isn't love it's a crush OP and a crush that it completely divorced from the reality of him as you know because when you've been with him he hasn't lived up to your fantasy of him and it hasn't worked out.

You aren't soul mates, you aren't in love, it isn't a matter of right person wrong time (as you've been a constant presence in each other's lives) it's just a crush.

He sounds like a dick too. He's been hitting on a married woman who he's messed about twice, acting like he's single when engaged and tries to dictate to you who you can have as friends on Facebook as he's a coward and doesn't want his WIFE to see he's carrying on an emotional affair with you.

Delete him and his wife from Facebook, delete his email and number, change your number. Don't be the other woman to this idiot you deserve more.

Take some time to yourself before embarking on another relationship and maybe consider some counselling as it seems like you've been through a lot.

I hope this help!

droves · 23/07/2012 10:14

Delete all those fb pictures and comments of him . It's not doing you any good , it's probably why he's "targeting" you for possible EMA . He thinks your still with your H and he's just got married FFs !

He's a skank who is trying to find out if your up for an affair . Basically he's wanting to see if your daft enough to let him use you . He is a lying ,cheating (by intent at least) time waster .

If he wasn't , he wouldn't have married his wife ,he would be single , he would have told you he'd wait until you were free to be with him , instead of trying to take your attention from your H ( he thinks your still with ? ) .

I think your just pining for a little bit of love and affection , and have rose-tinted memories of him .

There are better blokes out there who would respect you enough to be honest with you .

2blessed2bstressed · 23/07/2012 10:16

Just not liking what people are telling you doesn't mean you're being bullied You're seriously trying to say you don't know why she's asking about her husband and his relationship with you?

Original poster

feelinglonely · 23/07/2012 10:17

This has nothing to do with my kids.As far as I knw I can never be with this man.he's just a friend and his wife wants to be my friend but not sure if is good idea to add her.She can be friend if she want want to I don't her.Blocking him will even be childish and unreasonable.Drama Gueen,grow up?I dnt need all this.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2012 10:20

The wife is marking her place. She probably suspected that he hadn't told you and this is a non-aggressive way of saying 'he's mine now, back off'. Seems like he wasn't a commitment-phobe after all.

Kaluki · 23/07/2012 10:23

So you didn't know he was married till his wife sent you the friend request?
Now you do. That was probably why she sent it - to show you!
Back off and let them get on with their life.
He doesn't love you and you don't really love him. Its just an infatuation.
Delete him from FB and your life and concentrate on meeting someone who is available and worth having.

Original poster

feelinglonely · 23/07/2012 10:25

I dnt hate her.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2012 10:27

You don't hate her but she probably doesn't like you. Now you know the score, her objective has been achieved. Delete and move on.

Halfling · 23/07/2012 10:28

feelinglonely why did you post here if you did not want any advice? The suggestions given by others are spot on.

Unfriend your ex on FB and delete all his comments. That is the only right course of action.

droves · 23/07/2012 10:30

Being completely honest , you are understandably a little vunerable right now .

You've just separated from your ex ( it's upsetting when you split ,regardless of who initiates it ) , and having been divorced before you must be hurting on top of that ,because you know what's ahead with the hassle of lawyers .
Dealing with the end of a relationship /marriage can be a little bit soul destroying .

Either way , the worst thing you can do it look to the first person who pays you attention to heal that hurt .

You need some serious confidence boosting , then you won't be such easy pray for dickheads .

Get your friends round for some fun ,pamper yourself as much as you can .Do something for yourself that you've always wanted to do but never had the chance !

The first person you should fall in love with after a break up should always be yourself . ....sounds mad , but honestly if you look after yourself and give yourself the attention instead , then you will begin to look at possible boyfriends with a " is he good enough for me ? " kind of attitude .

JustFabulous · 23/07/2012 10:31

It has got everything to do with your kids when you are mooning over this idiot you are not giving them full attention.

"As far as I know I can't be with this man." FFS. What are you on? He is MARRIED.

He is not just a friend and since you don't seem to be getting it - she wants to be your friend only in the FB sense as she sees you as a trollop who will shag her husband given half a chance and NO it is not a good idea to accept the request.

Blocking him would be sensible and proactive. Keeping him as a friend is ridiculous.

Original poster

feelinglonely · 23/07/2012 10:41

Thanks drove,I appreciate ur advice and lots of archives from start.just piss off with bullies trying to tell me to grow up and look after my kids,drama queen.( how dare them).You have no idea what I've been through this is just something that I haven't come across n needed advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

feelinglonely · 23/07/2012 10:43

She is trying to tell me he's hers but I moved on long time ago.

OP posts:

Hopin · 23/07/2012 11:10

She might want to be friends because you are her husband's friend?

It is a bit odd that she's asked you when you haven't met.

Original poster

feelinglonely · 23/07/2012 11:11

They are married and i wish them all the best,is about why she wants to be my friend not about my life and my kids life.If i needed advice about me and my kids life i would have.I just gave honest background of how things are btn us and not chasing him.

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 23/07/2012 11:17

Well if you say you moved on long ago, then just move on y'know? You're already engaging with him on FB in what could be termed an inappropriate way, or at least responding to his inappropriate comments (inappropriate cos he's married and as far as he's concerned, you're married).

You may have feelings for him based on the past and that's fine but don't confuse them for love. There's nobody in your life at the moment and you're looking to fill that gap, and also possibly (deep down) looking for a bit of excitement to take your mind off the daily humdrum... but you shouldn't be looking to do that this way.

I also totally agree with this by JustFabulous:
It has got everything to do with your kids when you are mooning over this idiot you are not giving them full attention.

One way or another, this guy is taking attention away from your kids, whether you're prepared to admit that or not. Whether you block him or not, just stop engaging with him in relation to this (although it sounds like you won't while he keeps engaging with you), ignore the friend request and move on.. like really, move on...

Hopin · 23/07/2012 11:18

Perhaps it is her way of saying hello and introducing herself. Has she recently added lots of his friends?

Kaluki · 23/07/2012 11:26

I find that people often add you on Facebook not so much to be friends, or from an interest in your life but more as a way of showing off you their life. "Look at me, look at my photos of my lovely house, lovely kids, perfect DH" etc etc (puke making)
In her case it is "Look at MY wedding photos. He is MY husband. We are happy". Just to remind you that he is hers and loves her, not you.
She is probably insecure and a bit suspicious of you!

Original poster

feelinglonely · 23/07/2012 11:30

thanks,i know hes married now and will not entertain him,(i will never get involve with a married man anyway).Two things that came to my mind when i saw the request was 1.she is just adding friends from his friends list 2. shes just wants to see how i look like.

OP posts:

Kaluki · 23/07/2012 11:31

Probably a bit of both. Sussing out the competition maybe!

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