Just had a screaming match with DF over DD

[WillowTheWitch]

Went to pick DD up from parents after work and DF started on at me about something I haven't followed up on yet . Then went on about how it's a disgrace I don't make her do something he thinks I should .

So I said thats not his place it's up to me to decide Shes my daughter and if its my choice . He then said well if that's the case you can watch you own kid .

Well . I exploded . I screamed at him so if I need him to watch DD to go to work that means I have to do exactly as he says . That he needs to remember I'm an adult and she is my daughter and how I bring her up is my decision . I told him he was out of order and id be getting an apology before I would speak to him again .

I then took DD and went home . I'm now sitting in a crying mess wishing DH was in

I'm sick of him constantly telling me what to do .

Is he worried about you getting gestational diabetes? I noticed he didn't want you to have juice or dessert. What's his concern there?

I think he was right about your daughter's teeth. I don't think it's for you to decide, really - not in the sense that it would be your right to decide on wallpaper for her room. It's your duty to take care of your child's teeth and yes, your father shouldn't have to tell you this, but he does have to because you're not making sure her teeth are clean at night.

Teeth brushing may just be the tip of the iceberg.

Exactly

If the OP's child is brushing her teeth once a day then it's very unlikely there'd be a referral from a dentist. I know of plenty of children who have had quite a few fillings (not my own, I hasten to add) and there's been no social services involvement at all.

Oh no thumb it's not like that at all it's not like that at all I see what you mean no it's not like Im like no DD it's ok she doesn't need to brush them . I didnt even realise it read like that .

shiny I know where you are coming from re ss etc But I'm sure the teeth would need to be neglected to the point it was damaging them and there would be other factors within the Childs life as well it would be one of many factors that would lead ss to become involved .

imperial - it entirely depends. How well are they being cleaned the one time day? Is she going to bed after drinking ribena\eating sweets? What is her evening diet like generally?

I was quite clear in my post and did not say that children who have fillings are necessarily referred; particularly if parents are cleaning their teeth properly and accepts it needs done properly twice a day. . OP doesn't accept that.

willow - I'm going to come of this thread now as we clearly have very different ideas regarding what is acceptable in terms if child care. I've highlighted to you what the risks are as explained to me by DH.

If you can't be arsed, which is how it appears to me, to what is the right and best thing for your DD by having a two minute conversation with your SIL and BIL to make sure she cleans her teeth, then nothing I say is going to be of any interest or help to you.

You carry on kidding telling yourself that your way is best.

shiny what exactly are you reading I've said in about 4 posts now I do know it needs done it's just something that doesn't always get done !! It's not like I'm deciding I'm not going to bother it's one of those things that sometimes gets missed . If I put her to bed and I've forgot to get her to brush her teeth I won't get her back up again if she's sleepy because I think I good nights sleep is more important than missing a night of teeth brushing .

He sounds controlling to me. It is completely right that your child should brush their teeth twice a day. But from the sounds of it, this problem runs deeper with your Dad. Does he regularly undermine you? All in front of your DD? As that's not acceptable.

You shouldn't have shouted but I suspect this has been building for some time and something had to give.

I've actually had to stop seeing my Dad due to his treatment of me. I am wondering about your relationship. Perhaps I am seeing things that aren't there, due to my experience? My Dad was so critical of my parenting, every visit was fraught and my stress levels would be sky high on arrival of what would happen this time. Life is far calmer now I do not see him. Although my fathers issues were different, he believed I should smack my children I disagreed. He used every visit to illustrate his point and state that I should be smacking etc. But regardless you are the parent. Not him. He should respect you, or ultimately your daughter may come to not respect you either, if she spends enough time with him behaving like this imo I would stop using them for childcare for now and have some better boundaries in place, but perhaps that's just me.

OP : "And I'm sick of him speaking to me like a child in front of DD . She has already said I'm telling grandpa on you to me . Shes 7 ."
Ooh, that needs nipping in the bud. And it indicates that this is far from a one-off situation, this is just his latest go at you, isn't it Willow?

IslaValargeone : "I really think you need to get some distance between you then. Asking her things so he can criticise your parenting is bloody awful, and your dd is picking up on his criticism too."
Exactly. He is driving a wedge between you and your DD.

You say that you wouldn't struggle if they did not provide this daughter-abuse childcare, so that is the road to go. Make alternative arrangements, and if he doesn't like it, tough. It is the consequence of his behaviour, and he should have learned about consequences long since. And your DD needs to learn about consequences too, although obviously she is not culpably - but "I'm telling grandpa on you" has to be stopped, and it has to be made clear to her that this is not acceptable behaviour.

Yes you are risking losing her respect for your authority if she sees this sort of criticising going on regularly - that would be my greatest concern in this situation and enough for me to want to use alternative care. You will need all the authority you can get when she is older and testing the boundaries. :)

Teeth cleaning seems to be more important to some than others.

I suppose it depends how often it gets missed, but if my GD´s teeth weren´t regularly being cleaned at night, whilst I wouldn´t think that it made my own child a bad parent, I guess I would wonder what was so difficult about making sure such a simple thing was done.

You say you wouldn't struggle childcare wise without your parents - then find a childminder. My mother used to look after DD and for some reason she felt this gave the right to interfere, boss me about, generally bitch about everything.

I got a childminder and it helped to put some distance between us. She could no longer feel like she had some power over me and I had no reason to feel beholden to her.

Best thing I ever did.

Not content with the thought police, now we've got the teeth police?

If your dd's teeth rot and drop out she'll need false choppers until she's old enough to have implants, the high cost of which will be down to her dps for not imposing, enforcing, or otherwise encouraging her to clean her gnashers morning and night as part of her daily hygiene routine. On your head be it. End of.

However, what you've got here is a far more worrying source of decay, namely, your overbearing father whose dictats are undermining your relationship with your dd to a point where she is threatening to 'tell on you' for any sins you have committed according to his holy book of childcare.

This is where the rot buck should stop - and stop now before your dd becomes the type of child who is not endearing to adults and whose peers won't want to associate with her.

Your df sounds toxic and unless he's willing to see the way in which he's undermining and damaging your parent/child relationshp with your dd and change his ways, I would suggest that you ensure that she rarely gets to spend very long in his company.

And now, my dear, put your feet up and have a Tomorrow is another day on which you can start as you mean to go on and resolve not to let your df press your buttons to a point where you lose the plot and start screaming at him.