Just had a screaming match with DF over DD

[WillowTheWitch]

Went to pick DD up from parents after work and DF started on at me about something I haven't followed up on yet . Then went on about how it's a disgrace I don't make her do something he thinks I should .

So I said thats not his place it's up to me to decide Shes my daughter and if its my choice . He then said well if that's the case you can watch you own kid .

Well . I exploded . I screamed at him so if I need him to watch DD to go to work that means I have to do exactly as he says . That he needs to remember I'm an adult and she is my daughter and how I bring her up is my decision . I told him he was out of order and id be getting an apology before I would speak to him again .

I then took DD and went home . I'm now sitting in a crying mess wishing DH was in

I'm sick of him constantly telling me what to do .

I think you should definitely apologise about shouting.
Is it possible for you to talk to him calmly about the way he speaks to you?
I would definitely have issues with the "I'm telling grandpa " thing. He has to realise he is undermining you.
Is it possible to source different childcare? I certainly wouldn't put up with someone holding me to ransom because they were doing me a favour.

I'm sorry Willow but there is no excuse for your DD not having brushed her teeth every night. Shift patterns are irrelevent, it only takes one adult to support her with this. If she is falling asleep before brushing her teeth then her bedtime routine needs sorting out.

Your Dad was absolutely right to speak to you about this, and you were out of order for 'exploding' and 'screaming' at him, particularly with your DD present. Time to grow up

I meant either not both . And either sil or fil look after her during the week . And my parents at the weekend .

Isn´t the issue more why would you want to be leaving your child with some who shouts at you?

It sounds as if you need to spend less time with your DF, or practice a way to calmly but firmly say 'Thanks for the advice - I'll consider it' and then change the subejct, or 'thanks for the advice - now I'm grown up I'll think seriously about that and make my own decision' or whatever. Just be calm and controlled. Or see less of him.

AND

Make sure your dd brushes her teeth. At 7 she should have it down to a routine to do by herself anyway. Or make it the habit that she does it 30 mins after her tea. But get it done, it is important. Non-negotiable, really.

I think if you are relying on them for childcare & he treats you as a child it could be because you still need/depend on them iyswim.

It never actually occurred to me to do it after her tea. I think I will do that . I just remember as a child being dragged (not physically lol) out of bed half asleep because I had forgot to brush them .

Probably diddl although he would never dream of shouting at her .

I think the problem is I know she should be brushing her teeth but the way he rants and raves it makes me think he thinks I'm incapable he treats me like a child and an idiot and I honestly think he wants to say she would be better off with him but just won't go that far .

I don't need them I could cope perfectly well without them . The insist . (although to be fair dm really done make my life easier and I am grateful for that)

Well if you´re not doing such a simple thing, I can see why he would wonder why.

But how does he know?

Well if you can manage without them-do it!

DD told him . He asks her things and gets at me if he doesn't like the answer .

I really think you need to get some distance between you then. Asking her things so he can criticise your parenting is bloody awful, and your dd is picking up on his criticism too.

Your father needs to learn to treat you as an adult, this is true - however, you going off pop at him isn't going to encourage him to view you as a mature woman, sadly.

If you think that he is undermining you with your DD, then tell them that you are not prepared to have this situation continue and you will henceforth be putting DD into childcare instead of letting them look after her, as you will not accept being treated as another child whenever you are in their home.

My own father tried something like this on me a couple of years ago - I didn't rant and scream at him but I did give him a very chilly response and refuse to allow him to speak to me like that in front of not only my son but also a friend of mine - how very belittling of him! He hasn't done it since.

Do apologise for the ranting and screaming though - and apologise to your DD for exposing her to that. I'm sure your pg hormones may have fuelled the rage, but still, you need to learn to respond in an adult manner to your parents, not revert to child status when around them.

1. I think telling you it is a disgrace dd doesn't brush her teeth after her last meal / before bed is an honest thing to say, though best said with love not disgust. The build up from the days eating will attack her teeth at night with gusto and childrens tooth enamel is softer than an adults so more vulnerable. You may remember being dragged out of bed for it, but she won't thank you for extractions/fillings.
2. Your Dad shouldn't subject you to a constant litany of things you should do differently or better, it is disrespectful not to recognise you are an adult now and he needs to stop parenting you like that, it isn't a good sign that your daughter knows he has you on the run.
3. Your Dad should not have shouted at you in front of her but neither should you have shouted at him so seems like you are both at fault there.
4. I think your Dad will be mystified why he should apologise for trying to emphasise the importance of not being lax with teeth. So you might be waiting a while. However if you explain it is the constant corrections more than that single issue you have a problem with he might be more able to understand the degree of upset.
5. An honest chat about the dynamics of your relationship wouldn't go amiss, assuming it will ever change. If you don't talk about it, it never will.
6. Maybe discuss putting your daughter elsewhere for the regular care, so they can just be indulgent Gp's not surrogate parents, might help get some space into this claustrophobic situation.

Has he mentioned it to you before? I'm sorry but if he has done and you've ignored him, he could be shouting out of frustration at you.

This is a massively important issue. Teeth are one of the few things that are essentially non-replaceable if they rot. You only get one shot at this and she has to clean get teeth.

DH is a dentist and has dealt with the issue of children not cleaning and the resulting fall out (literally). He's had pare ts tell him that. Holden don't like it, have gone to sleep etc and it's not acceptable. I am NOT saying this will happen or wanting to get in to a debate re social workers but in some instances it has become a child protection issue and if parents seem not to be coping, he has made a referral to social services. I am NOT saying that this will happen. I'm trying to highlight to you that ensuring your child cleans her teeth twice a day is seen as a basic parental duty that you (or her carers) have to ensure is done.

For whatever reason, you have a fair bit of child care provided by family. That's fine. But everyone needs to be on the same page re your child's needs. You need to speak to BIL and SIL re her nighttime routine and what needs done. To be honest, if they don't see teeth cleaning as a necessity, it needs to be pointed out. She can't be left with people who aren't meeting or helping her with her basic needs.

I think you need to apologise to your dad too. He is right and this needs done. You can have a chat with him re how he brought it up. However, I think this thread demonstrates that this is a non-negotiable parental requirement and he is perhaps very worried and frustrated that you don't seem to see it as such. Rightly or wrongly, it makes the observer wonder what else isn't being done.

I don't know why everyone is getting so hung up on the teeth brushing thing I'm not an idiot I know it needs done and its not like her teeth are rotting her teething are perfect .

Have you read my post? Do you realise that this is potentially a child protection uses which could lead to a referral to social services? Particularly as you (as her primary carer) are appearing not to recognise the importance of the issue and also appear to be belligerent and uncooperative

"issue" not "uses"

Don't be so inflammatory, shinyblackgrape. When do social services check teeth and take away children under the Child Protection Act if they're not brushed. Use your common sense ffs!

Shinyblackgrape get a grip if what your saying was true there would be no dc with their natural parents!!!!!

Willow - people are getting hung up on it because in your opening post you seemed to be suggesting that if you chose not to make your DD clean her teeth at night then that was your parenting choice and since you were her mum, it was your right to make that parenting choice. People are objecting to that.

Doubtless you were being a touch petty since, from what you've said, your Dad picks you up on many other issues and this was probably the last straw - but still, it's a daft one to "stick to your guns" over, isn't it?

Shiny you are overreacting a bit, the op asked for advice on her df overbearing behaviour!!

Willowthewitch I think you need to back off from your df for a while.

Get alternative childcare if possible so your df cannot dictate how you raise your dd. Then you don't owe your df anything its harsh I know but your life will be your own and you won't owe anyone nothing.

imperial - they do intervene when there is a referral from a dentist. At no stage have I said that they automatically remove children. Please read my posts and get a grip yourself.

Lack of dental care leading to decay and possible multiple extractions is a sign of neglect. This leads to a referral to social servIces. Particularly when a parent can't or won't accept that they need to make sure they clean their children's teeth.

This is a matter of fact - whether you agree or not.