Sad and feeling hopeless

[timehangsheavy]

I am a regular but have name changed ... to lay myself bare!

I am joining the sad fucker brigade, confirmed by the fact that all I have is to tell anonymous people about my sadness, no real friends to draw on for support.

Have a DD for whom I need to make life as good as I can.

I'm old, work from home so often very isolaged. ExP left after an affair and then couldn't believe it when met someone serendipitously who I slowly allowed myself to trust and love and have enjoyed a good few years with. He became a full part of my life, ie meeting DD and my 'friends'. He is now gone after another stupid argument, initiated by me, as to why I am 'boxed' off from his circle beyond me. It has hurt but I am not true to myself if I just enjoy what there is on offer and do not question the limitations. There is no one else involved but the situation has many similarities with being on the receiving end of being with someone who was having an affair.

I don't have a specific question to ask for advice, I know what is ahead and have dug myself out to be content with myself post separation from a long long relationship before. Just feel more hopeless and isolated this time.

I haven't any words of wisdom, but hated seeing your post hanging, so I'm bumping it for you. And because I have been in a similar place to where you are, and I think I know your pain. Do you think you're feeling more isolated this time because you haven't got the anger of an affair to fight against? It makes it harder, doesn't it?

All I can offer in advice is that you have to look after yourself, in order to make your DD's life as good as possible, which means you need to be kinder on yourself. I know, easier said then done!

Sounds horrid. Why boxed off?

Your post is rather cryptic, so I'm not sure about the nature of the argument, but is he gone gone? Or gone as in out and may come back?

Either way, I'm sorry you feel isolated and sad, sometimes life is a bitch.

But, you have done it before, and can do it again, I can see why having this happen again is upsetting though. I also wonder whether now is the time to make some changes, not least meet more people and have more fun in the life that you do have- it does sound rather like he was your source of happiness and not much else. Working from home is isolating, so you do have to make more of an effort as that interaction doesn't come naturally, I would actively do this otherwise I do agree it could get quite lonely sitting in.

Best of luck with it.

Thanks for replying. Pathetic as it sounds it represents the sum total of my communication today and it is very much appreciated.

As you get older doors close. I do push to open them but am not very successful in kicking things off. The relationship I had was for me - not for shared bringing up of children or financial security. The hole it leaves is enormous and a few years down from split with exP my resources seem dimished, not least friendships.

I don't mean to be cryptic but my head is not very together, but 'boxed off' as in just hooking up when it suits. It is how he is, not because he does not love me, because I know he does. It does not go down well with me when I feel I am 'convenient' rather than 'chosen' iyswim; I was just too bloody available.

I have drunk too much in the hope it will induce sleep, and tomorrow will be a new and very different day.

If he doesn't make you feel happy and fulfilled, box him off, for good.

I wish he had not made me both happy and fulfilled, unexpectedly so. It is the end of this happiness and fulfilment that makes me so wretchedly sad. In truth the reason for the argument was not so important to me, just nit picking really, but it spiraled into an attack on the fundamentals of our relationship and it really is tits up I think. I just need to get used to this unexpected turn, all the time wishing I did not have to.

I'm shamelessly bumping my own post. The day already feels long, particularly as both the roles I have as parent and partner are redundant (DD away with her father). I would welcome the virtual interaction.

I know the drill and I will not contact the person who has made me so happy and now so unhappy. He knows where I am if he decides my insecurities are not a deal breaker. I know to keep busy and have already run round the park and read the paper. I had a glass of wine for breakfast, sad I know but it takes the edge off reality for today, but this will not be a pattern because DD does not need to see her mother crest fallen again.

I lost my closest friend in the aftermath of the split from exP and in truth only have acquaintances now. I have a highly tuned radar for the potential to make new friends and am always the one to try and make this run. How is it that I 'owe' no one?

As said upthread, life can be a bitch - I know too well the errors I have made, but may also be intolerable in the long run because of the spanners that have been thrown that have not been of my own doing (mother's black sheep, dead child, exP's affair). I want to walk on firm foundations, not shifting sand - it brings out the very best in me; make me vulnerable and I probably am intolerable and drive those I love away.

I'm writing this down really for me but if anyone cares to respond I will be as open as I feel able.

Hi time, another 'oldie' here! Please, no more alcohol today. Eat something and then do something nice for yourself.

I know it's age-old advice and harder than it sounds but do look into volunteering. You may not meet soul-mates but it will give you a focus and widen your circle. I've recently met a bunch of feminists who are working on an event - I don't know if they're going to bosom buddies yet but they accept me, seem to appreciate me and they're a laugh - they raise my spirits. It sounds like yours could do with some raising too.

You sound so low - but you should be proud that you're not accepting this 2nd-rate relationship. You know you're worth more and quite right too. And I'm so sorry for your loss. But you know deep down you're a survivor and you've got your priorities right regarding dd...you're not a sad fucker at all x

Tall, the decision wasn't mine, excepting the fact that it was me who instigated the row so perhaps I knew what was coming, although I thought our relationship had resiliance. I now know otherwise. I do on occasion behave like the Spanish Inquisition and this has made him secretive, which with my recent history of experiencing infidelity raises my volatility, which I absolutely appreciate is a complete turn off when you are on the receiving end.

Volunteering is a good idea; I just have to get my head around my complicated pattern of co-parenting (the bulk of it done by me) and working as a freelancer, which always means feast of famine, so difficult to commit to regular hours. But absolutely I need to find new beginnings as there is nothing on the back boiler for now - I know that I have to generate this.

Yes I have priorities right re DD; it is for her that I have worked hard, and buried much, to ensure all is amicable with exP. In fact I have bent over backwards in this pursuit. That is why I am particularly sad because after so long being the primary carer (ie 95%) I had windows of life where I was not first and foremost a parent. It was good for me but I know it was my last hurrah. Apologies if I come across as being consumed by self pity.

I think it is understandable that you feel like you do right now
And someone else may come along at some point if that is what you want.
Agree with no more wine for now,and the volunteering.
Volunteering on the whole is just that,volunteering,and is much more of a come and go thing.So,people understand if you suddenly have work to do.
And I think as we get older,we understand ourselves better which is good.

Amillionyears, that's how old I feel. But whatever your age, you can only go forwards. I agree one can never predict what the future holds and sometimes surprising things happen. My surprise has been and gone sadly and I'm pining (hate that word) alone, feeling utterly desolute but resolute that I will not take any steps to effect a reconciliation. I said, and not for the first time, that the lack of public exposure I had in his life did not feel entirely normal; I have no regrets but the taste of the result is not good. I realise rather astonishingly that there is very little to tie up and will leave it a good few weeks before I approach repatriating stuff - in fact I have a date 1 Sept.

I am looking into volunteering at a food bank, spurred on by hearing a woman on the radio saying she had £15 per week to feed herself and children and was dependent on the food gifts she received.

All above sounds good.Good luck.

Hello there Time,
I'm sorry to read that you are in such a dark place just now, but it seems as though you are finding that there are, after all, small glimmers of light there.
You seem to be doing all the right things, I'm sure the run in the park made you feel better, and you've started making plans for the future already.

You sound as though you have a quirky sense of humour, so I hope that helps you through this hard time.

Reading your posts, my heart goes out to you, you seem to be trying to come to terms with the end of both these relationships at present, so no wonder it is difficult.

I'm a new poster here, so maybe I can get away with sending you a hug, you seem to need one, and it will do me good too. Take care.

God, you sound like a mirror image of me - sitting in my kitchen on a sunny day, can't be bothered to do anything. Lonely and alone, my 3 teenage kids are at their dads having a picnic with gf and babies - it feels like a world away. Like you, they're the only reason I wake up in the morning and when they're not here, everything's empty and quiet. I've looked at volunteering but haven't got anywhere with it yet - I'm so sorry you feel you've come to the end of another relationship - its a shitty feeling when you thought something may have had potential.

I'm old too - when I split from my ex a very good friend said I might never meet anyone to share my life with (thanks for that!) and five years on, I think she may have been right - an old, solitary woman is not the role model I had planned to be for my daughter.

I need to do something and shake myself out of this ...

I'm sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread, just to let you know you're not alone.

Take care

Thank you all. I forced myself to go out - it helps to be on the move and stops me twitching about whether the phone will ring.

There was an article in yesterday's Guardian about loneliness - the one thing we are too embarrassed to admit too, particularly when there are so many means of communication and it should be so easy to connect.

But my phone does not ring and there are no messages. I only want one person to be in touch with me but it has to be that way round and as time marches on, I think it more and more unlikely. I have learnt never to hope, so as not to compound unhappiness with disappointment. I have lost something very precious, maybe not perfect but representing 3 years of much happiness and a large part of my future (I thought). I will be sad for a long long time and know an old, solitary woman is what I am, but for today I have shown a brave face (to myself at least).

I think the many many ways of connecting (phone, text, FB etc) and their excessive use are signs of loneliness not the other way around. I hear what you say and I too fear what you fear. I think you are grieving this lost relationship. That will take time .

Yes, give yourself time - and a big pat on the back.
If you hadn't had the courage to leave your previous relationships, particularly the relationship with your DD's father, your life would certainly be bleaker... being with an unfaithful partner, questioning, doubting, suspecting, would be a worse kind of lonely.
The lonely you feel now CAN change. You just have to "put yourself out there" - horrid phrase and horrid to do. At the start.

Taking my own advice, I recently joined a book club. Walking in to the established group was so hard, but I met some lovely people... and one creepy man (are they everywhere??)
Anyway, when you are feeling low, it is so hard to DO these things. I force myself to do one social thing a day - whether it's enquire about the book club or volunteering, talking to someone as I walk my dog or calling a friend to talk about their life.

A hug from me too. It's hard. But doable. And no more wine.

Your messages do help to keep me going; they break the silence and I am grateful for the wise words.

Yes I am grieving - and it is a horrid mature grief. I am not sure how to package away the love and friendship I hold for this man. I am trying but it keeps escaping and behind closed doors the tears run very freely. It is the feeling of being not at a crossroads but the end of a blind alley and all the 'never again will I...' crash in. Last weekend was so happy; this one such a struggle.

Of course I want him to call and tell me again that he loves me and the incompatibilities as he sees them are not insurmountable. All I wanted was more public recognition - one shouldn't need this but I did. If he comes to this conclusion I will be overjoyed, but that is for him to do rather than for me to persuade (did try a bit of that yesterday morning I am ashamed to say). He told me he wanted out, and through some snot I asked him to confirm this and he did, well his actual words were that he wanted to change the dynamics of our relationship, which amounts to the same thing.

This is the only place I can be as self-indulgent as to express my grief, and it helps.

Poor poor you. And yet I am in awe of you for having the courage, yes courage, to risk falling in love again after your marriage ended. It would have been so easy to say, "no way" but you didn't. That takes heart. And that kind of heart will stand you in good stead for the future.

nkf, thank you for saying that because I do think it took courage. I met him a year after the end of a 17 year relationship and shortly after one of my DC had died (all very expected and sadly the best thing). I was wobbly and unsure at first, convinced the relationship would not have legs. Love is always a risk and I do not have any regrets as I have a very large bank of happy memories. It was a very great love for me and I think for him too, and love just for that and joie de vive.

I do question whether in the long run I am not really loveable. While very shy, I know I am volatile, will pick at small details and given half the chance am loud and probably aggressive. I do work at it but a flaw in my character gets the better of me all too often and this time has lost me what was at the core of what made me feel truly alive, valued and loved. I think I am a giver by nature, but when I am out to take I go after it on all cylinders. It feels like a third death to experience in as many years.

When exP and I separated I contacted everyone I could think of and bored them stupid with my tale of woe; hence, probably, my rather friendless state now. This time I am very quiet and it will be a private grief (other than on here). Last time I think I was derailed by the loss of security and the sense of family; this time it is the loss of giving and receiving love that I mourn.

Hi again Time,
Thanks so much for your kind post on my thread, it lightens the pain a little to know that someone else is there listening, I think.

You say "This is the only place I can be as self indulgent as to express my grief".
I honestly don't believe that it IS self indulgent to express grief, I think that it is part of the healing process.

I know so many people who have trapped their grief inside themselves, for instance, years ago bereaved women were routinely prescribed serious anti depressants, often for many years, so they were never able to fully express or explore their grief, and so they never recovered from their loss.

You have certainly experienced some major life trauma in the last few years, I think you should be proud of how well you are coping, as it shows how brave you are.

I wonder if perhaps it might help you to keep a journal, where you can be as sef indulgent as you need to be. I've done this for about a year now, and I'm sure it has helped me. It is a place to vent and bitch and ponder and plan.

Just a thought.

Take care.

Oh, I hate the early waking. Stupid thoughts - is this really the end? I waant to know with cetainty but I know that there is no way to find the answer other than to be patient and see what happens, but when is that time up? I am not forgetting what I have been told so perhaps I have that answer and all is black and white, no grey doubt.

There are of course some planned dates ahead that will come and go, and I will do as planned but now alone. Each will feel significant and I am sure that in the run up to each I will loosen the lid a little and allow hope to rise. There is a short and low key holiday with DD and her friend, a concert and night's stay with my sister and lastly in mid September something else we have tickets for. And that will be the end of my trail.

Allalonenow, I had not thought of keeping a journal, not sure I want a record of all this. To fill time probably, I do write to him (never to be sent) to express the loss I feel and of course how I would make it all hunky dory again.

This does feel overwhelming much of the time, but I have not buckled yet. I will soon need to step away from MN but if any of you have the patience to hold my hand for a little while yet, it does make it all a bit more bearable and less lonely. Than you

Ah I feel for you.... I am tryng very hard to get out of an abusive marriage and I have no one... No real friends and family are miles away. I hate spending every evening alone. I hate it.

I am considering getting a cat. I will be an old cat lady :) I still feel though, that no relationship is (marginally) better than an abusive one.

Getting older is hard, emotionally, I feel a gnawing sadness that seems to deepen as time passes. I'm trying to think less about the shit out there. And in here, but wow its hard.

You're not unloveable but after a break up/big row, its absolutely inevitable that you feel that way, some of us introspective types do that. I hope your bleakness passes soon

I am sorry for others' bleakness, I am not yet able to provide the solution to this but when I have more insight I will resume my usual name on here. I am very fotunate to give and receive the unconditional love of my DD (and so so ashamed that I have been disappointed to find that the messages I did receive over the weekend have been from her) but I felt more complete with conditional love as well for another adult as well, love that I had induced, formed and shaped.