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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sad and feeling hopeless

46 replies

timehangsheavy · 21/07/2012 22:41

I am a regular but have name changed ... to lay myself bare!

I am joining the sad fucker brigade, confirmed by the fact that all I have is to tell anonymous people about my sadness, no real friends to draw on for support.

Have a DD for whom I need to make life as good as I can.

I'm old, work from home so often very isolaged. ExP left after an affair and then couldn't believe it when met someone serendipitously who I slowly allowed myself to trust and love and have enjoyed a good few years with. He became a full part of my life, ie meeting DD and my 'friends'. He is now gone after another stupid argument, initiated by me, as to why I am 'boxed' off from his circle beyond me. It has hurt but I am not true to myself if I just enjoy what there is on offer and do not question the limitations. There is no one else involved but the situation has many similarities with being on the receiving end of being with someone who was having an affair.

I don't have a specific question to ask for advice, I know what is ahead and have dug myself out to be content with myself post separation from a long long relationship before. Just feel more hopeless and isolated this time.

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AuxeyDuresses · 23/07/2012 09:21

time you sound in a similar situation to me in many ways. I am 50, and as someone else mentioned I am finding it difficult emotionally to adjust to aging and everything it entails. Also incredibly isolated - working from home. Although I've always been quite sociable I have lost 3 friends in the last 10 years - one during my divorce and the other two both emigrated. I haven't met any new friends since. My phone never rings...
I also hate to admit to this loneliness and I worry about how it's affecting me emotionally...

timehangsheavy · 23/07/2012 10:42

I am so sorry Auxey that you are also in the mire of bleakness about present and future.

And tit! This is where my script departs into fantasy; you could only make it up.

I have considered myself late perimenopausal if not menopausal but after some heavy bleeding a few weeks ago and light sporadic bleeding since, I have been having some tests to check this is not anything sinister. Cervical smear was negative and there was just the ultrasound this morning. The ultrasonographer considers that I have been experiencing a very early miscarriage (I know, I know all the advice about contraception). Never suspected this as I am close to mid century and absoulutely no symptoms other than terrible back pain and clearly more irracible behaviour than normal.

It changes nothing (except I do feel a bit younger!) and I will keep this to myself (other than here of course).

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Allalonenow · 23/07/2012 14:19

Time,
I'm so sorry to read that you have had this extra blow to bear today.

You sound to be a lovely Mum to your daughter, I hope she is back home with you soon, and I'm sure she will bring some joy with her.

Be gentle with yourself Time, I wish I had some balm that would soothe your pain.

RoxyRobin · 23/07/2012 14:36

Why don't you tell him about the miscarriage?

Whilst I suppose you wouldn't feel happy about becoming a mother again in your late forties, miscarriages take their toll on women both physically and emotionally. And now you are keeping all this distress to yourself.

You shared your body with him and he helped form this potential baby. If you tell him, he has the chance to comfort you. You could make it clear that you are not telling him to make him feel guilty, but that after debating the pros and cons you thought he might want to know what you've had to go through.

I know you are anxious to preserve your dignity and self-respect and feel any move has to come from him. But he is now not in full possession of the facts. And as you say, the hormonal disruption has caused you to be more irascible than usual. If that has pissed him off, he ought to be told the circumstances.

As to the 'boxed off' issue, I don't really know. Relationships in middle-age can be complex, and there is often a mismatch between the wishes and expectations of the two parties.

My DSis was widowed in her late forties and began a relationship with another man a couple of years later. She did love him, I think, but whilst his greatest desire was to marry her or at least live with her she wasn't interested. She said she wanted her own space and never wanted to live with a man again. It was a bone of contention, and they'd regularly argue about it until he unfortunately died suddenly.

I know this is not quite the same issue as yours - I just wanted to illustrate that these mature relationships are often fraught.

The passion and warmth of your feelings for this man glow from your posts. I know you're not happy about the compartmentalisation, but is it so fundamentally important? I suppose it must be for you since it's been a deal-breaker. You seem so very sad, though.

Btw, I'm another home-worker who often feels isolated, even though I've always been one who enjoys her own company. Also, I had two very close friends from childhood; one died at Christmas and the other has had to move away to look after her elderly parents. I feel bereft. Lots of loneliness about.

Don't know how you can say you are old when you're not even fifty though. I'm almost fifty-seven and am still a total babe. I know because DH tells me so (he knows what's good for him, and is also very short-sighted).

Southdevondelight · 23/07/2012 17:42

Well several of the posters on this thread could be living my life too, so I'm watching to see how others cope with the loneliness and wondering what the future holds, how to best help ageing parent, support DD through her own emotional trauma, redundancy and try to keep at bay the "is this really all there is" thoughts that sneak in sometimes, despite huge efforts to keep busy and distracted.

I'm normally the positive, capable one but sometimes, just sometimes, it's really hard to keep up the front. MN is a lifeline for letting this out anonymously and I send good wishes to all in a similar situation. We WILL survive :)

tallwivglasses · 23/07/2012 21:43

Yes we will South. Oh, I want to hold everyone's hand on this thread Sad Smile

Allalonenow · 23/07/2012 22:01

Hi there Tall,
Here's my hand

I'm sure there is a haiku in there some where!!

timehangsheavy · 24/07/2012 01:43

Roxy, thank you for your thoughtful post.

I have had a quiet day topped by my beautiful girl arriving back this evening.

I have mulled over the wisdom of telling him but do not think it would have any purpose other than smacking of a desperate appeal for attention. There is no real emotional fall out for me from this; my child bearing days are well behind me. Just a bit of a pain to deal with as I now have to go and have a scrape to get rid of the stubborn bits. Also, I feel very stupid.

Hoping sleep comes soon.

OP posts:
timehangsheavy · 24/07/2012 06:00

Oh bugger, having been awake all night I did send a matter of fact message, rather than one pleading mitigating circumstances. Have I been a fool?

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timehangsheavy · 24/07/2012 08:32

Help! My resolve is not as strong as it was and I'd really welcome the views of strangers as to whether I have done a very foolish thing. Starting not to think very rationally on my own.

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RoxyRobin · 24/07/2012 08:58

Well, I don't think so obviously, since I'm responsible for suggesting it.

No, you haven't been a fool. It's all very well putting on a face of being strong and tough, but in fact we're all vulnerable at times, and we shouldn't be so afraid to show a bit of that and give people a chance to respond with kindness. If they don't show it, that's when we have to be strong and tough!

As you say, you've been factual - it's not as if you are clinging to his leg sobbing hysterically. He will know your style and realise it's not a plea for attention.

If you saw the Guardian article about loneliness you may also have seen the one about having a baby post-45. A nurse mentions to Emma Cook, "We had a 49-year-old in last week who gave birth to her first." Mein Gott! Do you think she's one of these ones who have separate day- and night-nannies? If not, you can only admire her bravery.

I think I'm in need of hand-holding today, myself - I feel even more isolated, having had a massive row with DH, who has gone flouncing off to work. A waste, really, since he spends so much time away with his job - you'd think all would be sweetness and light during the little time we get to spend with
each other. Doesn't work that way, though - it just means you have to address problems and tensions in a concentrated period.

Never mind - I have lovely DS coming for the weekend, so DH can sulk unnoticed!

timehangsheavy · 24/07/2012 09:50

Roxy, here's my hand. Your row will surely blow over but if we could give each other a bit of company today that would be lovely.

I have had a reply simple saying he was sorry and hoping I was OK, which I appreciate. Also something about how he had a message from my DD (they are very close and I have yet to enlighten her as she is just back but will surely twig very soon) but did not know how to reply.

So do I reply to open a line of light communication - perhaps just a simple 'I am absolutely fine, thank you'? Isn't it ridiculous that as a grown woman I am asking a stranger (albeit a very kind one) to guide me. Also, I have now drafted a letter (really just to occupy me) - it has a bit about regret but actually is a rather funny (I think) letter of thanks for much happiness. This would be too much wouldn't it if I sent it?

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timehangsheavy · 24/07/2012 10:07

Roxy, I have PM'd you with apologies

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RoxyRobin · 24/07/2012 10:28

A reply saying you are fine and thanking him for his concern would be just right.

I should sit on the letter for a little while - think of it as a work in progress. Men can be remarkably insensitive to nuance, and if he's anything like my DH (well, not so D today!) he would simply read it as you saying you now consider him very much a part of the past. So long and thanks for all the fish.

You may in fact want to give him this message - a quick clean cut rather than death by a thousand cuts. But would it really be so demeaning to leave the door a little ajar? He won't be returning with his tail between his legs, but may be wanting to find some way of being with you that would also satisfy your need to be respected.

I don't know why I'm giving advice, though - I hardly ever even take my own. I'm having to restrain myself from firing off unpleasant texts to DH. They'd all end "... and don't bother coming home!" But am managing to remember that I am not in fact seventeen.

But the purpose of seeking others' opinions is usually to help clarify one's own position, not necessarily to take any of the advice.

I'm in the middle of touching up my roots and had better go and wash the dye off. Made the mistake of looking in the mirror with my glasses on this morning and thought, "Roxy, you do look like an old bag!"

RoxyRobin · 24/07/2012 10:32

Sorry - didn't see your last message.

I'll look as soon as I've got this wretched stuff off.

timehangsheavy · 24/07/2012 10:33

Roxy, I'm heeding your advice - an outsider's opinion is better than no judgement at all. Thank you and ignore PM

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Allalonenow · 24/07/2012 11:08

Hello Time, no I don't think you have been foolish to send you message. You might always have regretted not sending it. I would not send the letter though.

Maybe now you know that your hormones are doing the can-can you can be a little easier on yourself.

Take care.

timehangsheavy · 24/07/2012 11:40

Thank you allalonenow. No letter will be sent.

In truth I am rather all over the place today. Finally we have some sun but I'm twitching around frantically refreshing MN, checking my phone, hugging my DD (which I know she finds creepy), opening up work but not doing any. A mess of angst in fact and I will drive myself mad if I do not settle on something very soon or at least have some sleep. I really do have to get a grip, accept life has changed dramatically, and plod on. Just want some enthusiam back.

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Allalonenow · 24/07/2012 11:54

If you have have a garden, or I think you mentioned a park, why not make a basic picnic and have a fun lunch with your daughter? Nice for both of you, and I think you need ice cream!

Take care

RoxyRobin · 24/07/2012 12:23

Have PM'd you anyway.

Have to send some tax details to DH now - will emulate your dignity and keep it civil!

Allalonenow · 25/07/2012 14:38

Hello Time,
I hope you are feeling a bit brighter today, and are just enjoying being with your lovely daughter.

Take care

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