I am being awful to my dh but I'm just so angry with my life

[Fuzzlehead]

I don't know why I'm being like this or how to stop.

I am married with a ds 5 weeks old and a dd aged 9 from a previous relationship. Have been with my dh 3 years now and we tried for ds for a year. We both had fertility issues.

We have always had a bit of a fiery relationship. We both tend to argue with one another, dh has more of a temper than me though. However, he is a good partner, always wanting to help with ds and dd and works hard etc etc and does housework. There's nothing for me to feel resentful about if you see what I mean.

Since we had ds I'm finding it all such hard work. Ds is a demanding baby. He has reflux and will not sleep mre than 2 hours if that. When we were at the hospital having him we were all so happy and over the moon and gradually I am actually starting to get sick of the sight of ds. I don't know how to feel differently.I had pnd with my dd but this is different, its like an irrational anger and I feel like I want to walk out and fuck everything off.

Dh is a little like this too in that I know he is stressed out with ds as anyone would be with a reflux baby. (Ds is on medication etc, we are dealing with it).

I find myself being extremely cold and unemotional towards dh and I feel so empty about our relationship. I don't want to touch or even have a conversatin with him. He is very upset to the point of being in tears this morning but even though I could hear him crying next to me in bed I ignored him, which is horrible I know. He then got upset with me ignoring him and said I don't love him anymore. I said I do I'm just tired and angry.

Its got to the point now where we don't talk hardly at all. I feel constantly on edge in case ds wakes up so I can't relax. We sit in the same room and he's on the computer and I'm on my phone on the internet. I have nothing to say to him.

He says I am emotionally cold and doesn't understand why I get like this. I said I just get very down and want to be on my own.

Other days - good days- I am warm and affectionate and cuddly. But I find it so much energy to be like that. Dh says it shouldn't be effort but for me it feels like it is.

I've always been like this. My last marriage ended because my dh walked out saying he couldn't handle me being so miserable.

I am very indepdent and dh says I don't let him help or do things. I try to let him but for example when he is looking after ds I find it hard to listen to ds cry and not want to get involved, even though I am stressed myself.

Before I met dh I was very independent and lived quite a wild life really... Lots of drinking, seeing a younger man on a casual basis (who I feel for but he left to go travelling), my mum looked after dd a lot for me and I had a lot of freedom. Now I feel very constrained. And yet at the same time I've "made my bed" as it were. I just don't know how to lie in it comfortably.

I feel like I'm having a mid life crisis. But I'm not very old- early 30's. I miss my old life. And yet I know most people would love my current one. It just doesn't "fit". I also feel like dd and I are one family and ds and dh are another. Not because of dh - he is wonderful with dd, but because its always been me and dd and I feel ds and dh are new add ons.

I left dd's dad when she was 6 months. I wasn't happy then either.

Maybe I'll just never feel happy. I am lost.

Sounds like you need to visit the GP urgently and try some antidepressents and some sort of counselling/therapy to work out how you are feeling and how to deal with it.

Have you posted about this previously, sounds very similar to another recent thread?

Nobody can be jolly and affectionate when they are exhausted and stressed. It totally fucks up all your emotions. I find that after a full on day with my kids (I am a SAHM) the last thing I want to do is give out any more affection to anyone else - I just want some space. I have explained this to my DH and he understands it's not 'us' it's just what I need. You might be getting depressed too (as anyone might with a crying baby and no sleep). I think you should go to the GP too also if you can get any kind of break you really need it. Go out on your own for the day next sat or sun, leave him in charge of the kids and just go and see a film etc by yourself. I was going down your path (like you I was a formerly very independent person and an older mother) I was feeling very suffocated and angry with DH because of it. Now he encourages me to take a 'mental health day' any time I need one and we all benefit from it. Good luck.

You have my huge sympathies. You are sleep deprived, your life has changed again with the arrival of DS and he is a difficult baby. I remember our first few months with DS were like this. I don't know what he had (never got a proper diagnosis), he screamed when we fed him, we would spend from 45 mins to 1.5 hours trying to wind him and get him to settle only for him to start screaming bloody murder 10 mins after you lay him down, this was every feed day and night. I felt like I was losing my mind and that he hated me. I remember crying a lot, bickering with DH and it got to the point where I wouldn't go out anywhere. I didn't go to the GP as I felt too ashamed and would feel like a failure (not sure why). I really wish I had, I had PND. The overwhelmingness of under estimating how hard having a newborn would be and how it changes your life beyond recognition.
My advice- talk to your health visitor or go to the doctors and tell them exactly how you are feeling. With your DS, is the meds working for him? Have you thought about cranial osteopathy? If he had a difficult birth this may help. DS had it and although me and DH were very sceptical at first it did help a lot. Good luck OP.

Get help! Gp? Hv? Family? Friends? Other mommy friends?
Please don't question yourself. Having a child is hard, hormones are horrible, and pnd is not always the same. Go easy, take account of your surroundings and do what it takes to reflect and recover.
Tiredness is a real problem and no decisions or thinking can be lucid when exhausted.
I don't know if I am helping in any way, but I have come close to feeling the way you feel now and it's not a nice space to be in.

Take care!

I too found the first few weeks difficult to the point I thought I was going mad. I just felt awful, depressed, cold, anxious, quite similarly to you, and also like my life was over. I cried every day of the first month with my dd1.

However, looking back, it was the shock of a baby coupled with exhaustion, and although I might have been a candidate for PND, I actually didn't get it and picked up quite a lot after that. I found once I was in more of a routine (meeting baby's needs responsively didn't work for me, because I couldn't read them and then felt shit), I felt much better and a corner was turned once she started sleeping through the night.

I don't see how any relationship can look great through the fog of extreme exhaustion and hormones and great life upheaval.

But, you are still the same person, it won't be like this forever, I now have one or two times a year for a week or two without children, I go out quite a lot, I have kept my career (as it was very important for my identity) and in many ways have a very interesting life, as well as being a mum. You don't have to resign yourself to sensible shoes and a dull life if you don't want, but you also shouldn't make decisions about your relationship at this very delicate stage. Tell your partner how you feel - or show him this thread.

Also- you can often feel cold/distant/not affectionate, I've found, when breastfeeding/after a birth, it just seems to swing about. You will find a more steady state in time. Good luck.

I really feel for you. I know exactly what you mean - a lot of your post is familiar. But you can't judge the whole of your life and personality and relationships right now. You've just had a baby, everything's up in the air, you're not sleeping, you're probably vitamin deficient and your hormones are all over the place.

I'm guessing you just want to get in a hole and hide from everyone right now. Well, you're not crazy. It makes perfect sense to me!

Give it time, visit the gp if you need to but please, please take it one day at a time right now.

I do think it sounds like PND. Why would it be the same each time? Also sleeping for two hours at five weeks is fairly normal for a baby, the reflux is horrible but you seem to be projecting a lot of bad feelings onto the baby "he is difficult" "he won't sleep" "him and DH are separate add ons". There is no such thing as "a difficult baby", they are all really hard at first, most of them have something that makes them harder like reflux with yours, that's why I think it is PND because you are separating yourself from ds and you are blaming him for being bad. The truth is, I think, that having a newborn is hard, you are convincing yourself you are flighty because you get PND and want to leave, it is ok for it to be hard and for you to struggle and need help, it is not healthy to separate yourself off from your baby and your husband and it is not sounding like a rational decision but an emotional reaction originating in PND.

And I dare say you probably feel much worse than you are actually being.

Ok... This was my thread (- namechanged but can't be bothered again).

I don't know what to think to be honest. I always thought that pnd followed the same pattern for some reason but maybe not.

I'm scared that if I go to the doctors or health visitor that they won't leave me alone. I really don't want people visiting me etc. My biggest fear is that they will think I can't look after my dd. They have no reason to think that at all but I just don't want anyone official involved, esp while I am trying to work out how I feel about everything.

You're right. I am putting everything on to ds. That is unreasonable of me but at the same time I am so angry towards him. I feel like he's come along and essentially taken my life away from me. My dd was an easy baby in comparison and I know its not ds' fault but I find myself getting really irritated. Last night ds would sleep for ten mins and then wake up again for 6 hours. I have tried everything. Everything. And I am fed up. Dh and I ended up sitting there with the light off and the tv on quiet as its the only way and place he wanted to sleep. Dh and I spent another day not really talking to each other.

I am also realising that the age gap of 8 years between ds and dd was a stupid idea as its near impossible to entertain a 9 year old for 6 weeks of holidays and a newborn who won't be put down and cried a lot of the time.

Things like cinema, shoppping and lunch for dd are all out of the window as I can't really go anywhere without ds stressing. So I have limited dd to a summEr of tv and pc and the occasionaly walk to town.

I am really desperate for ds to start sleeping through and I've told dh that until that happens I can't see me feeling or being any better about things. But although dd was sleeping through at 7 weeks I know this is veryearly and realistically ds may not sleep through for a very long time yet and that fills me with dread.

Dh has said he will help with night feeds and he does although I have to wake him as he doesn't wake naturally so I'm awake anyway so what's the point?

I feel I have no life at all.

I can ask my mum to look after ds for a little while, an hour or so but because he has reflux badly its hard as people don't know how to look after him.

Listen, reflux babies are bloody difficult. I had 2 and thought I was going insane.

You must ask for help - if you don't want the gp, see if you can find a support group. It is incredibly incredibly hard and I actually vowed to set up a support group for mums of babies with reflux but never got round to it :)! Once he improves, your life will also improve immeasurably.

Hang on in there and don't be afraid to ask for help x

I feel for you, the way you are feeling sounds so familiar. I know it's hard to accept, but it's all down to hormones and sleep deprivation, which are mean you're just not yourself. Of course you feel angry towards ds, he's brought this all on! But when this horrible stage passes, you will start loving the shape of the family you have, and will find ways to deal with the age gap, which isn't massive.
Does ds sleep in the pram? My lifesaver has been regularly getting a walk into town for a cup of coffee and a read of the paper or a magazine. Ds3 would fall asleep on the way, sleep long enough for me to have my decaff capuccino and a scone. Then when he started stirring, I'd be off walking again and he'd go back over.
I've no direct experience of pnd, and I partly put that down to getting out of the house with the pram when things were starting to get to me, with all 3 babies.
I'd also second showing dh this thread. I know that's hard to do, but he sounds lovely and I think he will just give you a big hug and fo whatever ge can to help.

Yes, people can learn how to deal with him though and no doubt they probably would want to help if they knew how bad you feel. Your circumstances are very different now so it stands to reason that PND might come out in a different way. It isn't unreasonable as such, it is a very normal cerebral response to great stress, totally and completely understandable and a sign of not having adequate support if anything. I can really, really understand the not wanting people to interfere but you need to do something. You sound rational and strong, looking at it rationally do you have any reason to suspect the services would not be helpful? Is it just that sometimes when you are quite depressed you are protective over your pain, you like to keep it there to hurt yourself with because you think you deserve it? Is that why you are worrying about your mum not knowing how to look after him?

Just a quick post. Please have a chat with your HV or doctor, if you do have PND - it does sound like it, then it's best sorted now rather than trying to cope and waiting it out. It will be difficult for you to ask but your life will be so much better for it.

It sounds as though your DH does want to help, so let him. Go back to bed while he takes the children out for a couple of hours.

As your baby won't go down to sleep (know the feeling, dd1 would only sleep in our arms until she was 13 months), have you thought about trying him in a sling? I have read that it could also help with the reflux. Dh used a sling with both dc's and he found it much easier. I couldn't get used to it so used to carry them.

Is there any other medication for reflux that you can try that could be more effective?

5 weeks is such early days. It will get better. I also had a hellish second child (reflux). He fed every hour and a half and wouldn't sleep anywhere except on me. If he wasn't feeding or sleeping, he was screaming. It was awful.

Please go and see your GP for help. PND can manifest itself in many different ways. Take any help you can get and remember "This too will pass"

Show your DH this thread. I think its hard to appreciate the effects hormones combined with lack of sleep can have on someone (even without any PND).

Sorry - meant to say as well, after fertility issues there seems to be this added internal pressure to just be immensely grateful and love every second of having your baby. There is just so much going on. Be kind to yourself x

Please go and see your GP.

Yes, it's the crying and the pain of a refluxy baby that is particularly bad. All my four babies all fed as often as that at 5 weeks, some of them wanted to be constantly carried, bedshare etc but with the reflux one it was the crying and the choking which was hard. It can be really hard getting over the psychological barrier to ask for help but it is mad not to ask when people are normally able and wiling and when other people who are not feeling down would just ask and not worry.

Thank you. What you are all saying makes so much sense but I am so tired. I'm just struggling from one day to the next with no real sleep and no end in sight.

My mum looks after him for an hour here and there but she's quite old now and doesn't cope well with the demands of a small baby. She did have dd overnight (and took her to the zoo) though which was helpful. Keeping dd busy and her not moaning she's "bored" is really hard.

I'm scared to go on anti depressants as when I was on them with dd (citalopram, prozac and effalex or whatever it was) I forgot huge chunks of time / memories and I don't want to do that.

Have had a huge row all day with dh. He's very upset there's no affection between us, no holding hands or cuddling, not even a goodbye kiss and he feels broken. He feels like we're growing apart and he keeps saying he doesn't understand why I don't want to be affectionate with him. He thinks I don't love him and basically our life as a couple is over and he feels we are "roomates".

That is true at the moment. I feel very empty and to be honest I just want to be on my own. I don't even want to talk to anyone. About anything. He keeps trying to talk about something on tv or whatever else and I just think what is the point in anything, its not like I have the time or energy to enjoy anything.

I'm not even sure I am depressed. I'm sure if I could buy a ticket to somewhere hot and sunny for two weeks on my own I'd be right as rain. And I know that's socially and morally wrong of me.

I'm dreading dh coming home as there's such an atmopshere. All ds has done all day is sleep for 1 hour and cry for the rest of it despite me cooing at him, giving him a bath and everything else and dd has been moaning she's bored even though I took her to the library and rented her a couple of games....

Really hating everything right now.

Dc3 had silent reflux, it was HELL, pure hell, unending misery, I went back to work early to get away from her!

Can you afford any help? Could you afford a night nanny just for a couple of weeks?

If he really does scream and never settle I would take him to the GP to try stuff for silent reflux, even just to rule it out.

I've just reread the op and see he does have reflux, perhaps his medication needs changing plus as the get bigger they need the doses upped.

Can you face dd having friends around so she has company?

Thanks.. He is on infant gaviscon but to be honest its not making a lot of difference. In fact he doesn't seem to want to drink milk with it in so I'm going to ring the doctors tomorrow to see if we can try something else. I've just managed to get him to sleep now for a nap after 4 hours of screaming / fEeding / pacing up and down / bouncing / etc etc. I don't know if he will sleep or not... He looks asleep but he could be up in 5 mins.

I'm going to get some friends round for dd in the next few days. I feel so sorry for her. I am letting everyone down.

Honestly it is so so so hard to have a reflux baby. It sounds like the gaviscon isn't enough for him, there are other drugs that are needed for many reflux babies.

I can also highly recommend a craniel osteopath, not cheap but can often make a huge difference.

Please be kind to yourself and tell your partner that however things seem between both of you at the moment, this phase is about surviving and it will not be forever. It is only now looking back we can recognise how it affected our relationship and how utterly upsetting we both found it then and now if we think/talk about how it really was.

did you post about this when you were pregnant?

you are only 35 days into being a new family. newborns are exceptionally hard physically and emotionally for everyone. your hormones will be all over the place. you need to give yourself a break, this time is never easy.

try to get some respite and see how you feel in another few weeks.

You are not letting anyone down, you have bathed the baby and taken dd to the library, honestly that is absolutely loads! You cannot expect to keep dd entertained with the newborn but it only lasts for a very short time out of her life, try and get her to help you instead of sitting around moaning.

Your DH needs to back right off pushing and shouting at you like that is the absolute worst possible thing he could do right now, he's being very selfish.

With such a small and difficult baby I'm not surprised you and your DH feel like this. I have been in a similar situation with DS, and it's only now that DS is 10 months old that DH and I are starting to get our relationship back on track. I definitely do think this is normal to some extent - and I would also recommend talking to your HV about how you feel.

On a more practical note, have you considered a dairy allergy may be the source of your DS's reflux? It's very common in babies with reflux. Giving up dairy products yourself (if you're breastfeeding) or changing to a prescription non-dairy formula (if formula feeding) would be worth a try. I gave up eating all dairy and soy (allergy to soy is also related to dairy allergy) and my DS's awful reflux was gone within 24 hrs. He grew out of the allergy at 7 months and he and I are both able to have dairy/soy again now.