I am being awful to my dh but I'm just so angry with my life

[Fuzzlehead]

I don't know why I'm being like this or how to stop.

I am married with a ds 5 weeks old and a dd aged 9 from a previous relationship. Have been with my dh 3 years now and we tried for ds for a year. We both had fertility issues.

We have always had a bit of a fiery relationship. We both tend to argue with one another, dh has more of a temper than me though. However, he is a good partner, always wanting to help with ds and dd and works hard etc etc and does housework. There's nothing for me to feel resentful about if you see what I mean.

Since we had ds I'm finding it all such hard work. Ds is a demanding baby. He has reflux and will not sleep mre than 2 hours if that. When we were at the hospital having him we were all so happy and over the moon and gradually I am actually starting to get sick of the sight of ds. I don't know how to feel differently.I had pnd with my dd but this is different, its like an irrational anger and I feel like I want to walk out and fuck everything off.

Dh is a little like this too in that I know he is stressed out with ds as anyone would be with a reflux baby. (Ds is on medication etc, we are dealing with it).

I find myself being extremely cold and unemotional towards dh and I feel so empty about our relationship. I don't want to touch or even have a conversatin with him. He is very upset to the point of being in tears this morning but even though I could hear him crying next to me in bed I ignored him, which is horrible I know. He then got upset with me ignoring him and said I don't love him anymore. I said I do I'm just tired and angry.

Its got to the point now where we don't talk hardly at all. I feel constantly on edge in case ds wakes up so I can't relax. We sit in the same room and he's on the computer and I'm on my phone on the internet. I have nothing to say to him.

He says I am emotionally cold and doesn't understand why I get like this. I said I just get very down and want to be on my own.

Other days - good days- I am warm and affectionate and cuddly. But I find it so much energy to be like that. Dh says it shouldn't be effort but for me it feels like it is.

I've always been like this. My last marriage ended because my dh walked out saying he couldn't handle me being so miserable.

I am very indepdent and dh says I don't let him help or do things. I try to let him but for example when he is looking after ds I find it hard to listen to ds cry and not want to get involved, even though I am stressed myself.

Before I met dh I was very independent and lived quite a wild life really... Lots of drinking, seeing a younger man on a casual basis (who I feel for but he left to go travelling), my mum looked after dd a lot for me and I had a lot of freedom. Now I feel very constrained. And yet at the same time I've "made my bed" as it were. I just don't know how to lie in it comfortably.

I feel like I'm having a mid life crisis. But I'm not very old- early 30's. I miss my old life. And yet I know most people would love my current one. It just doesn't "fit". I also feel like dd and I are one family and ds and dh are another. Not because of dh - he is wonderful with dd, but because its always been me and dd and I feel ds and dh are new add ons.

I left dd's dad when she was 6 months. I wasn't happy then either.

Maybe I'll just never feel happy. I am lost.

I have had two reflux babies.

I was a monster at the time. All my love went to the dc, and dh was my lightning rod for the anger and frustration I felt at being impotent to help my suffering babies.

Fortunately we had already been together for 15 years by then so he 'got' what was going on, and knew that he just had to tough it out.

The dc are older now, and our relationship is all the stronger for what we have been through together.

Thank you for the replies. Ds is now on a different medicine and it seems to be helping. He's actually sleeping for an hour or so at one time which is ages in comparison to the odd ten mins he was doing...

As for the dairy allergy - thanks for the suggestion. I will look into this further.

I am having a hellish time with dh :( ... Last night he took ds upstairs in the moses basket for me so I could settle him to bed and I don't quite know what hapened but anyway accidentally the basket slipped and ds rolled out onto the floor (carpet - the basket was an inch off the ground). Ds was absolutely fine and didn't even cry. But dh sees this as an indicator of what a "horrible person" he is that he dropped his son on the floor and then got very upset saying how everyting has "gone to shit" and how I don't want him anymore, he's lonely etc etc. He said he must have done something awful in a previous life to end up with such a shit time.

He then went downstairs and slept on the sofa and this morning wouldn't hold ds when I asked him to (so I could get something) as he says he "doesn't trust himself" after dropping ds!!!

So now I feel very alone. I don't know how to sort things out.

We have been texting as he is at work and he says I don't want anything with him anymore. No intimacy - he keeps saying he doesn't just mean sex but if we do have a cuddle he seems to want it to lead to sex.... (Which I guess I understand as we have had sex twice since ds arrived). I have zero sex drive and keep telling him its not him I'm just knackered but he keeps saying I don't want him anymore!

So then he apologised and said he's sorry he's not making me happy and I iignored that and said its difficult with a newborn - and that seemed to make him annoyed as I "let him take the blame for everything"... Wtf??? Am I going mad!?

I just don't know how to cope anymore.

OP, as has been said by others, you are only 5 weeks post birth, so you will be exhausted, full of hormones and probably anxious. It can make you feel very out of sorts.

This will pass though, you will recover from the birth and get into a routine with both DC's.

I think your main issue is not the new baby but perhaps the fact that by nature you are free spirit who is feeling panicked and trapped because you are now at the centre of a family unit and maybe deep down, you feel that that's not really what you are about? Im not saying any of this as a criticism btw, I think it's good that you are an independent individual but you will struggle in a conventional family unit. However, once you are feeling better from the birth, you need to spend some time having fun, go out for the day or have a good night out. Also have some quality time with your DH.

I think you are mourning your old life and are havin a bit of a panic and getting in a state. Try to take one day at a time, heal from the birth and get into a routine. Arrange some days out / nights out with friends.

Be kind to your DP, you are in it together so work together!

You are not going mad, your DH needs some help with his feelings. He has absolutely no right to be so selfish and he really needs to sort himself out. Everything he said is about how terrible things are for him. How difficult for you! Why on earth is he being like this?! Is it what he is normally like?