Please please help me. H has gone.

[Memoo]

H has gone. My decision, but rather sudden so I am in shock.

I have no money, no job and no idea what to do.

I need to claim benefits I think but what exactly do I do?

Please help me.

Hope you had a good nights sleep Memoo.

Just take it one day at a time, with regards to benefits and stuff there's nothing practical you can do at the weekend so maybe just try and have a nice weekend with your girls, enjoy the weather, have a picnic or something?

Write a list of all the people you need to contact on Monday morning, and then you can tick them off one by one.

For housing benefit and council tax you need to go to your council office, fill in a form and take your id, as far as I remember you need your birth certificate/passport, the DCs birth cert, 3 months worth of bank statements, and wage slips if you are working/proof of benefits if not. And your tax credit award if you get that.

So get all that together, and look up where your local council office is.
You can go to your local job centre and they will tell you the process for applying for JSA I think you have to fill in a form and then have an interview but they will tell you all that, you will need the same documents.

Actually, if you do receive tax credits, the office is open today, you can call them today, the office is open and tell them your circumstances have changed and get the ball rolling with changing your claim today.

It will all work out lovey, it will take time, it will feel heart achingly hard for a while but you will get through it and if you are struggling, there's always someone here to listen.

If H admits everything and says he is sorry use that to your advantage and get the money sorted out now, while he still has guilt to motivate him. Have a lovely day with your DCs but this evening sit down with your bank statements, work out how much you need to live on. Look on the CSA calculator to find out what he needs to pay you (remember that's just for the child, there should also be an element paid to you for your upkeep too)

Open a personal bank account if you don't already have one and write a list of what needs to be transferred.

With a 2 y/o you will be eligible for quite a chunk of Income Support until they are 5 (presuming the rules don't change!) so you will be ok financially. You also get Child Benefit so make sure that is paid into your own account too. I assure you that once you get your financial security sorted you will feel so much more in control.

You've made the hardest decision already and you knew it had to be done (I've been there and done that! I have likened it to that film 127hours, where the guy gets stuck down a craggy rock and has to cut his own arm off to free himself - he has tried everything, but this is the last resort) Its horrendously painful but totally necessary for your survival and once you are free from this relationship you will be able to make your way out into the world and be happier.

It will come, just a few short weeks down the line things already look brighter for me. There are still wobbles and tears occasionally, but on the whole I am much happier without him in my life and you will be too.

Bear in mind that he will probably carry on like nothing has happened and that it is all hunky-dory, which will be the most frustrating part of this. They seem to have an ability to switch off the emotional aspects of splitting up and just continue on with a smile and a shrug.

Don't take this to heart. Its his way of dealing with it and you will have your way. Good luck with the next steps. x

Hello Memoo, hope you're feeling a bit happier today, have been thinking of you today

Hello memoo, always happy too chat when you need to, I'm not far from you either :)

Hunni im in warrington happy to meet for a coffee xx much hugs xx just pm me contact details if u like to meet x im 39 got two teenagers ( though they now live live wiv there dad lost story) ranaway the exh nearly 8 yrs ago x

I sent me Mum a message last night telling her but she hasn't got in touch yet (and probably won't.) I also sent an email to my sister. She lives in Australia so can't support much on a practical level. She is going to phone me tomorrow morning though.
That's it really, there is nobody apart from a handful of fair weather friends.

I've found it very difficult to keep it together today. I've just been crying on and off all day. We haven't done much but the weather is good so we've been in the garden.

H came round to collect some clothes this afternoon. I actually couldn't look at him and was relieved when he'd gone.

Going to have an early night. My head is pounding.

I really feel for you Memoo, having real life support is so important. Is your mum not normally very supportive or is it just this?

Its really sad that you don't think your friends will be supportive either - you might be surprised when you tell people. I've had lots of offers of a cuppa and a chat from people who I didn't know that well before. Maybe they just want a bit of gossip, but I like to think that they genuinely care and want to be friendly. They always offer help with the DCs if I need it too, which is great to know. Don't be afraid of letting people know.

I understand about not looking at him. I feel physically sick when I look at H's eyes and see nothing there. He's lost loads of weight since he left about a month ago, has new clothes and just looks totally different. I avoid eye contact at all costs and haven't yet mastered the art of opening the door with a big smile like I don't care, so I just look at the floor.

At least you've got a few weeks without the routines and restrictions of school so enjoy the hols, relax and take time to nurture yourself. You need to look after yourself to be able to look after the DCs. Do you have any plans for the hols?

There's a lot to sort out, so make a list and don't try to do more than one thing a day. One achievement is enough to make you feel that you're moving on without stressing you out.

Hope you are ok. You won't feel like this forever. The pain and shock will fade and eventually go altogether. I promise.

Glad at least that it's been sunny and you could get out in the garden - let's hope that continues for a bit !

A small {{hug}} for you memoo. Wolves, DoingIt and everyone - what they said x

I have no idea what I am doing. I've let h come home, though we're not back together. The dc were crying for him and I just feel so guilty.

I don't know what I want. He touched my arm before and I jumped away.

I know we need to talk but every single word he says is a lie. I honestly don't know what the truth is anymore. He has twisted my head every which way and I can't get it straight.

Well, I guess one way to look at it is he's visiting to see the DC's since they were missing him.

Change is always hard so why not take it slowly if you can ?

If you can be friendly with H and all spend some time together then that will probably help your children.

Hope things go well with H around for a bit.

Memoo, have been wondering how you are doing? x