Found his stash of booze

[amverytired]

Dh has had problems with drinking too much in the past (7-10 bottles of wine per week), and being abusive to me. He had several years of therapy, things had greatly improved. But he finished therapy several months ago. Since then things have been fairly stressful for us, we've just bought a house, eldest dc hs been diagnosed with asperger's/adhd, his work (family business) is very stressful and he has a very difficult relationship with his horrible father (ongoing).
I'd noticed bottles of spirits being emptied (we had a fair few given to him as gifts over the years, we never drank them, all in a box since the move) - but he explained them away on a party we'd had. Then I noticed a few more opened in a box, kept an eye on the volume - and sure enough in the last week 3/4 bottle of gin and 2 1/3 bottles of whiskey have been finished - we haven't had any parties etc. during this time. This is on top of him drinking too much wine anyway (possibly 6 bottle a week, I find it hard to keep track - I too have been drinking more than usual (a large glass most evenings).
I know he is going to lie about it first, then blame stress/me etc. but I need to be strong tonight.
What do I need to hear from him?
I can barely function now I am so shocked, but I can't ignore it any more

does he want to stop drinking?

I would imagine not, unfortunately. It's his form of self-medication.

Arrrgh, I know he needs to want to stop himself, but I'm obviously falling into the trap of hoping that if I confront him with it he will want to make changes himself.

then really there is not a fat lot you can do

i see you have recently moved house, but get those bottles out of the boxes and out in the open - this is enabling him to hide his drinking

tell him you know he is drinking, tell him you are worried (i take it you are) ask him if he is aware how much he's drinking, secretly keeping tabs on the amount does nothing to help either of you

How about you stop buying wine, for starters.
If you stop drinking too as a day to day thing its going to be a lot easier for him.

what's the for Jareth?

i know what its like to find this - i bet you feel cheated on, deceived, angry, frustrated and emotionally drained.

i lost count of how many times this happened to me with my then my DH.
i agree with Unchartered and like you say he's got to want to do it himself. This is bigger than him or you or the kids -you can't do it for him.

You could try giving him an ultimation - no improvement in 3 month and split.
Contact al anon for yourself and the kids
Good luck x

response to PP saying implying it was the OP's fault for buying wine (when she doesn't even know if that's the case). Dunno.. was just the tone. :)

I don't think it's advisable to have a constant supply
Of booze around someone with alcohol issues - I was really upset when my friend finally faced up to her alcohol addiction and her Dh carried on drinking in the house.

thanks for explaining Jareth

i don't think banning alcoholic drinks from the house will make a jot of difference, shops sell booze, pubs sell booze

amverytired

You sound like his enabler to him and his accompanying alcoholism. Moving house has not worked, you still have these ongoing issues. To him the alcohol comes first; you and everyone and everything else are but of secondary concern to him even if you do figure anywhere on his priority list (which you do not). If he did originally go into treatment because of family pressures rather than because of him and only himself deciding to address his alcoholism, then it was even more likely it was not going to work. Am not totally surprised therefore that he is drinking again. He is likely also badly underestimating how much he is drinking as well.

Do not drink alcohol with him. He cannot control his drinking and you cannot even begin to go down that route of trying to, because it will not work.

Why have you not left him?. What do you get from this relationship now?. I ask that as something keeps you within this. I would also suggest you read up on codependency as there are often elements of this within these types of dysfunctional relationships.

Alcoholism is a family disease; you are as caught up in his alcoholism as he is albeit in different ways. The ongoing chaos is not all that surprising; it will not change.

Al-anon would be a good place for you to contact.

There are 3cs re alcoholism which you would do well to remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot change this
You cannot control this

You cannot cure this re his alcoholism.

I'm confused. His therapy wasn't actually for his drink problem? Does he think he has one? Has he ever even said he intended to cut down? (Given even his public level of drinking barely dropped during therapy, I can't quite see what he's meant to have signed up to).

I don't think the tone was bad. The post was correct, having an endless supply of booze in the house is going to make a huge difference.

It's not ops fault at all.

But the first thing that should have happened when he went to get help and start his road to recovery .Is ALL the alcohol and by the sounds of it, we are talking large amounts here should have gone. With family members not buying it in to drink around him. Gifts or not, it needs to go.

It's like starting a diet, and you keep all the junk food in the house, then your husband comes home every night and eats a Chinese Infront of you. The temptation is there, right there in your house. So, you delay starting, it's easy to slip up, etc. the availability of alcohol in the home will make a huge difference.

He buys the wine 90% of the time. Things are stressful and as I said already, I know I am drinking more than usual, which I suppose gives him license to do so as well, I just didn't expect the hiding of the spirits. We have had these bottles in the house for about a decade - now they have been used up apparently in a matter of months.
His mother died from alcohol-related issues when dh was in his early 20s. She hid her bottles of vodka around and dh found them all when he was clearing up the house (he was living with her). I think that's why I'm so shocked. He must realise he is starting to do the same thing.
I'm in therapy too, things had been going really well, but he finds stress hard to deal with, as do I obviously.

So it's a vicious circle isn't it? You are both using alcohol as a crutch, him so more than you, but still.

If you are both doing it....he needs to face up to his drink problem. But the booze needs to go if he is to stand a chance.

I think the diet analogy is a good one, food addiction, alcohol addiction. It's like presenting someone who's crash dieted, whose mind has not yet caught up with a huge box of chocolates or something. The temptation is there. It's hard to kick. All temptation needs to be removed from the home.

if you are both drinking too much, the maybe there will be some mileage in facing that together

you still can't make him stop though, if he's drinking in secret then he can still do that whether there is booze in the house or not

When dealing with someone with a drink problem, removing booze from the house makes sod all difference. If an alcoholic wants to drink, they will find a way to drink, and they will lie to you about it. Seriously, you can catch them with empties in their bag inside the house, and still how could it possibly have got there, must be the neighbour. It is not like a diet. You could compare it to someone who is a compulsive overeater or bulimic though. Again removing all food will not stop binges. An addict needs to learn to stop drinking all by their pretty selves, and no one can will the problem away by not eating chinese or drinking at home.

It is 'simple' how you deal with it, you go to Al Anon or some support for you and learn to help yourself. You decide whether you are willing to accept the drinking or not and set down boundaries, and stick to the consequences. when I say simple, the actions are simple, emotionally it is the hardest thing you will ever do, and the best.

And I say this as someone who lived with a functioning alcoholic for many years, and getting him out of my life has been the biggest struggle I have ever faced and the best decision I ever made. Believe me I did the no drink at home stuff and no - absolutely no difference. It is just a form of enabling, because the addict still doesn't need to face the consequences of what they are doing, if you are doing all the hard work for them. They are then just along for the painful rollercoaster ride.

my own father is a secret drinker btw

mother hasn't touched a drop of alcohol in over 20 years to help him get over it

he still has bottles stashed in the garage, goes on little visiting trips to drinking buddies houses, keeps miniatures in jacket pockets

all her behaviour has done is push his drinking further into secrecy

The OP drinking is a red herring.
It may help, but ultimately it's not cause at all.

I didn't drink, but OH insisted on buying wine, beer, etc Wine supposedly for cooking but it all disappeared pretty fast.

And he would go to the supermarket during the week, but only if alcohol was bought.
Wouldn't bother if anything else was necessary.

It is 100% down to the drinker to sort their own drinking out. I used to drink alot-around 2 bottles of wine a night, every night, for years. Nothing anyone could say would make a jot of difference. I never lost my job, looked fine (people used to ask what moisturieser I used as my skin was always really clear). After years of drinking so much, I just decided enough was enough. I now have one glass after work and that is it. Not having drink in the house wouldn't have made any difference. I would go out and buy it. I would take bottles to the recycle banks to hide the evidence. It is a very secretive and complicated disease. Comments like 'the OP is enabling her DH's behaviour' is bollocks.

And I never saw him drink more than a beer at dinner.

The hiding is a clear symptom of alcoholism.

If it's creating problems in the relationship, and he doesn't recognise he has a problem, there's only one way...

I'm afraid I agree with daffydowndilly and UnChartered - if someone wants to drink then they will find a way to access alcohol, whether it's in the house or not (I'm the daughter of a currently dry alcoholic father BTW).

I also share tripot's confusion - I too interpretted your OP as saying that he had therapy because he was abusive towards you, which was unrelated to his drinking. Was his drinking in any way addressed as part of his therapy?

If not, then his previously abusive behaviour and subsequent therapy is a red herring - the real issue is that the extent to which he's drinking seems to have escalated enormously over the past couple of months.

Have you talked to him about his increased drinking?

Yes it's down to the person drinking, yes if they wanted to, they could. Blah, blah, blah.

But it's basic common sense and standard advice to people recovering from alcholism or wishing to start that journey. Remove all booze from the house. As it is so easy to just grab a drink, if it's already there.

There is a reason, why the alcoholic charities and councillers tell you to do this, because it DOES help.