Found his stash of booze

[amverytired]

Dh has had problems with drinking too much in the past (7-10 bottles of wine per week), and being abusive to me. He had several years of therapy, things had greatly improved. But he finished therapy several months ago. Since then things have been fairly stressful for us, we've just bought a house, eldest dc hs been diagnosed with asperger's/adhd, his work (family business) is very stressful and he has a very difficult relationship with his horrible father (ongoing).
I'd noticed bottles of spirits being emptied (we had a fair few given to him as gifts over the years, we never drank them, all in a box since the move) - but he explained them away on a party we'd had. Then I noticed a few more opened in a box, kept an eye on the volume - and sure enough in the last week 3/4 bottle of gin and 2 1/3 bottles of whiskey have been finished - we haven't had any parties etc. during this time. This is on top of him drinking too much wine anyway (possibly 6 bottle a week, I find it hard to keep track - I too have been drinking more than usual (a large glass most evenings).
I know he is going to lie about it first, then blame stress/me etc. but I need to be strong tonight.
What do I need to hear from him?
I can barely function now I am so shocked, but I can't ignore it any more

House

the counsellor will tell the drinker to do this, as part of 'cleansing' the process

not for the drinkers family to do it

Yes I know. But my point still stands. Like I said originally. It's the first thing that should have left the house, when he started therapy, I presume for his drinking.

Having it lying around the house, will not help. It's quite frankly dangerous, if not misguided advice from those telling op, it won't make a difference. There is a reason why all the agencies/people qualified to do so, advice someone wanting to recover, to remove ALL booze from the house, as it's necessary to help them.

So if op would like to help him. He needs to want to himself, firstly. But the massive amounts of booze in the house need to go.

Some alcoholics once dry can cope with booze in the house - my DF is one of them.

Other dry alcoholics I have met can't cope if their OH is having a glass of wine while eating out. I know several who can't kiss their OH if the OH has had a drink.

I know still others who relapse if they drink alcohol, but can happily eat a portion of my DM's knock-a-buffalo-out sherry trifle.

Alcoholism, even for non-drinking alcoholics, is much too complicated and individual to simply say booze-in-the-house-bad-booze-not-in-the-house-good.

There is a reason why all the agencies/people qualified to do so, advice someone wanting to recover, to remove ALL booze from the house

The OP hasn't mentioned even once that her DH wants to stop. Until he does, it makes no odds how much alcohol is in the house.

I don't buy the drink in the house making a difference theory. I really don't. DH having a drink didn't make any difference either. In fact, if he was drinking, I was less likely to as it was my private, secret thing that I did. It is so complicated I don't understand it. Even now, coming out the other side. It boils down to the drinker either having a light bulb moment or a serious accident that shakes then into stopping.

Yes they have to want to stop 100%. Still does not change the fact standard advice when starting recovery is to not be around booze and to clear it out of the house, to avoid temptation.

Some can never be around drink again, some can. The first stage is getting him to admit it and wanting him to change. But there is no way, having, bottles and bottles and bottles of boxed spirits will be helping him at all.

There is drink every where we go...supermarkets, off licenses, advertisements. Shy of locking someone up, alcoholics have to learn to cope with resisting the alcohol that is all around them.

Still does not change the fact standard advice when starting recovery is to not be around booze and to clear it out of the house, to avoid temptation.

Yes. As loads of us have said, that's good advice when someone is starting recovery.

If the OP's DH isn't starting recovery - and she's said nothing to suggest he is, or has even acknowledged the problem, quite the opposite - then it's completely irrelevant.

As a child I used to empty my dads alcohol stash down the sink. He knew I was doing it and actually went to my mum and told her he was concerned that I had a problem as I was drinking his stash! Complete denial on his part, my mum didn't believe him for a minute. I used to drive myself mad trying to empty as much as possible, but it was soon replaced, hidden more carefully or drank more quickly.

BUT I do think that you should knock your 'large glass of wine every evening' on the head- you can control that and will feel better for it (alcohol is a depressant so will make your stress worse).

As a child of an alcoholic my biggest fear is becoming one as well, so I imagine your dh is locked in a cycle of love/hate with alcohol and will be in immense denial.

I do think you need to get rid of alcohol in your house though- it won't stop him drinking but you can take responsibility for your own drinking.

Please please don't stay together 'for the kids' either- its far more damaging in the long term- I know this as such a child.

Yes, but bangs head against a brick wall. He has been to therapy, she said, and had started up again. As they are both turning to booze, to cope with stress.

Which admittedly therapy may or may not be for booze, but, he has shit loads of spirits in the house. It's like an off licence and then op has her wine.

Whilst the only person at fault here is him, and he has to face upto it. Giving op a false sense of security and implying having a practical off licence in the house makes no difference. Is not only foolish, but flies in the face of the advice given by qualified agencies.

Having shit loads of free booze in the house, which he isn't having to go and buy at £20 a bottle is enabling him. Like it or not. That's not op enabling him, having lots of booze in the house however is. So the situation is enabaling him.

Until we know whether the DH actually acknowledges the problem and wants to stop then you're talking rot. Sorry, but you are. Neither of us knows what the therapy was for - may have been the abusive behaviour, may have been the drinking, who knows.

His therapy was not for drinking, it was for his anger issues and his behaviour towards me.
During the just under 3 years that he was in therapy he cut down on the drinking to more or less normal levels and owned up to how he was treating me. He genuinely made progress here and our current relationship is much much better.
His therapist was very clear that he was not an addiction counsellor, but dh's better understanding of himself, plus being able to discuss his worries helped with the drinking part I think.
He finished his therapy (his decision, principally financial), but given the increase in his drinking since (along with all the extra stresses, which I'm guessing he will blame), he obviously needs to think about going back. He may have confronted a lot of stuff, but his coping mechanisms are not great still.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to stop drinking completely. That will be a step too far for him. He will talk about cutting down.
I am not an alcoholic, nor nearly one. I said I know I have been drinking more than I usually do (which is a few glasses a week), but I'm aware that I am and have realised that dh is using this as a convenient excuse to increase his own drinking. I will stop that (my extra glasses of wine). But I don't think that alone is going to solve his problem.

Alcoholics can't cut down they need to do it completely. So if hrs ready to face up to it and get help. The booze needs to go. Anyone who says having booze in the house is not making a difference is talking rot....it is making it easy, if he wont stop you have to decide of you want to live with an alcoholic or not

Interesting thread OP, have popped over from the Brave Babes. Am a problem drinker myself and decided to completely stop about 2 months ago so have an idea how hard your situation is.

Firstly, I agree with all those who say don't keep ANY booze in the house, it does make it easier for someone with a problem to drink. Sure he'll buy it secretly, but readily-available booze is a temptation impossible to resist. Secondly, it's great that you've decided not to drink, IMHO that's the best way to proceed if you're living with an alcoholic (my brother is/was one, now dry for 2 years and we never drank around him).

Attila's post is, as ever, insightful and spot-on. You can't make him cut down/stop, you can only put your own boundaries firmly in place and look after yourself and your family. Good luck.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. I personally do not have any alcohol in the house and I tend to avoid pubs because they revolve purely around the drinking of alcohol and I'd rather not torture myself frankly.

I have exceptions to these rules, eg if I have friends over for an evening that enjoy a glass of wine, I'm happy for them to bring a bottle with them, and if I am going to a pub for a specific reason ie a meal for a friends birthday, then I will go and enjoy myself, but probably not hang around for ages if the meal is going to progress onto a long session of evening drinking.

In other words, I'm not prepared to cut myself off from the world and sacrifice my social life, but I have boundaries around alcohol that are important to maintaining my sobriety and peace of mind.

However, the sole reason I have these boundaries and am able to maintain them is because I really want to. I have accepted that I am powerless over alcohol and that if I want to lead a happy and decent life then I must abstain completely. My sobriety is everything to me because without it, I'm fucked. There is no cure for alcoholism. You are either an actively drinking alcoholic or you are a sober one.

Your dh is in the grip of a horrible destructive illness that has nothing whatsoever to do with anything you do or say or try. He can only help himself. Nothing you do can make any difference. So with this in mind, do only what is best for you. Time to think only of yourself and your kids if you have any. If you want to leave then do it. Do not stay thinking that your faith and strength can help him. It won't.

Alcoholism will turn the most kind hearted, intelligent, empathic, wonderful person into a self centered, dishonest, self pitying, self loathing monster. And you don't have to live with that.

A week later, and I'm still wondering what to do.
I confronted dh with the stash of booze, and after denying, then trying to blame me, he accepted that he was drinking in secret. The first thing he did after I confronted him was to pour himself a large glass of wine.
He blames the stress (which was substantial) and promises that he won't do it again. However he doesn't accept that he has a problem, neither will he give up. Not even during the week. He had 3 alcohol free days, and since then he has had only 1 'small glass' each evening. His 'small glass' is 1/3 of a bottle though.
I am fairly stressed about it. He's accusing me of being controlling, of trying to make problems where there aren't any. I just don't know what to do. I'm on edge as I'm wondering if he is going to have wine or not, then I get angry (internally) when he does. Last night I just went to bed once he had poured himself the glass.
He's not drunk, so half the time I'm doubting myself, wondering if I am being just a drama queen.

No, you're not a drama queen. He doesn't want to stop. You have a clear choice if he won't stop or address it - you either tolerate it or he leaves. Please do contact Al Anon.

My father's an alcoholic. I have no tolerance for this but I am very familiar with the utter devastation this addiction causes.

Sweetheart, you've really been giving this your all.

It's OK to let go.

His drinking is his problem - you don't need to monitor the alcohol-free days and the 1/3 of bottles here and the small glass there.

YOU are getting sick over this, though. Quit focusing on him, and focus on your own health and well-being.

I've no chance of going to alanon until children are back in school unfortunately.
Does not focusing on him mean I turn a blind eye to the drinking?

Whether or not there is booze in the house is really not the issue here. An alcoholic will always find ways to access alcohol whether it's readily available or not. It's a widely held, but unfortunately inaccurate belief that you will 'help' someone with an addiction by abstaining yourself.

Sadly i don't have any advice, merely empathy. My dad did this when i was growing up (and on one occasion i was the one to find the 'stash') and my bil has similar issues. If my sister doesn't have booze in the house he gravitates towards it regardless - like just disappearing down the pub for several hours for example. And he always blames something for his addiction - my parents, losing his job, finding a job, 'the dog did it' or whatever. It's a disease that can really only be cured from within. Sadly, very few people beat it precisely because of that reason - they don't want to give it up.

All i can suggest is that you remind him how badly his drinking is affecting you and that he goes back to therapy. But if he's unwilling to do that i don't think things will change. At which point you will need to decide if you can live with it or not. Sorry that is blunt. I hope your DH is one of the people who has a steel-like inner strength. Perhaps by telling him how badly you are being affected it might convince him to return to therapy. Good luck [hug]

Does not focusing on him mean I turn a blind eye to the drinking?

No, it means you focus on your own needs, and your own resulting actions, first.

His drinking makes you unhappy? By all means say so. He denies/blames you/won't stop anyway? His business. What can YOU do to pursue your OWN happiness? Something not dependent on what he does or does not do?

OP I am very sorry, but if your partner is drinking spirits in secret, and his first reaction is to pour himself a large glass of wine when confronted about his secret drinking, but he still refuses to accept that there is any problem and instead accuses you of being controlling when you try to discuss it, then there is absolutely nothing you can do.

His promises not to do it again are meaningless. Without acceptance of the problem and a commitment to treatment, alcoholics cannot control their drinking anymore than someone with dysentry can control their diarrhea.

I can remember a million promises to family and friends and myself that I would stop drinking. I meant them at the time. I'm not stupid, I could see that my drinking was causing devastating problems in my life and wrecking my relationships. I wanted to stop, but I couldn't.

The reason I am able to remain sober now is because I have accepted that I am an alcoholic, that I am powerless over alcohol, and that the only way to restore myself to sanity is not to ever feed my brain and body with the substance to which I am addicted. I seek group support often from other alcoholics who have accepted the same and we help to keep each other sober. It is not always easy. Sobriety takes commitment, vigilance, and mindfulness. You have to really want it.

Your husband doesn't want it. That's the bottom line. And nothing you can do or say will make him want it.

Your options now are live with it (and it will get worse because alcoholism is progressive) or don't. I'm sorry.

OP, i havent posted on here for years but i am in a very very similar situation. DH drinks 60-70 units a week, has for years. he hides the empty bottles. and nothing makes any difference. he has a well paid job, isnt abusive,doesnt get drunk or get hungover. no one would know he's got a problem. we've got 2 kids and live abroad so there's no support.

i dont have any words of wisdom but i can tell you that it isnt your fault, and there's nothing you can do - he has to want to stop. if he doesnt, you have to figure out if there are terms on which you can stay together, or choose to walk away. ultimatums dont work. not having booze in the house will just make him look further for drink. i think the most important thing is to try to look after yourself and find support for yourself. what he does is ultimately up to him. its heartbreaking but you must face it for your own sanity. i'm so rusty with mumsnet but if you want to message me, i'm here.

...i should add that i'm currently trying to figure out what the hell to do myself...