Do I need help?

[birchykel]

Not sure how this will all come out as its jumbled in my head.

My dh and me have a one year old daughter, a 9year old daughter and a my dh has a 12 year old son ( who lives with his mum). our life's , as everyone's, has changed a lot. But it feels like mine has taken a massive change, I am a stay at home mum now, where I use to work and bring in an income, i do baby things during the day which is great of course, pick my daughter up from school, come home, cook, clean, wash etc etc.
My partner over the year has, gone to the gym, started enjoying bike riding, lost loads of weight and seems to be enjoying life. He is now trying to build muscle so goes on and on about food, exercise etc.
I am happy for him because he is happy and enjoying the things he does. But there is always the same argument, he has a life outside the family and I don't.

Having said that this week I have been lucky enough to be invited round a friends for an evening and I am going....but my dh keeps making remarks (he says he's joking) like god what a social life, just going out and leaving us. It pisses me off to be honest. I always ask if it's ok to go out without the kids, which doesn't happen often. He told me last night that next week he wants to go gym three times a week and do a bike ride twice I felt jealous, annoyed, and just felt like crying. What's that all about? Am I being unreasonable? Am I depressed?

He says I need to find a hobby too but he doesn't seem to get that I look after the kids all the time and I'm too shattered to do much come evening.

Im beginning to get paranoid that he is just going to get fed up with me not being as active as him, slim, sexy etc. part of me feels like leaving now to stop more hurt later on.

I can't keep talking to him About this cos he always says he will support me in anything I wana do but what do I wana do? Lose weight for sure, would love to be more fit, and find an interest that drives me like his bike and gym. But I don't see how I can when I'm constantly mummy and a partner.

Are our lives growing apart?

Do I need help?

My heart goes out to you. Your relationship sounds unequal, your h does whatever he wants, you are subservient and do whatever he allows you to. Only you can start the dynamic change- why would he when he has such a great deal- benefits of being single plus benefits of being in a family.

You've every right to feel aggreived. You need to consider what you want and find a way to talk with him about it.

If he is going to support you, then you need to do it. Whether its the gym, or something non fitness related.
Womens lives do seem to change more, especially when you become a sahm. But its sounds like your dh does want to take the responsibility on and give you some time.
Your post seems you want to but the 'But I don't see how I can when I'm constantly mummy and a partner.' part seems that you don't.
It is a bit weird to be 'mummy' then walk out and be you for a while. Especially when it has been a longtime. But you will get used to it.
Do you think he will support you? Or is he just saying it. I based my post on him being genuine but could this be the issue?

Hi birchykel You definitely won't be alone in this situation. I'm maybe not the best person to talk to as I am now divorcing my h.
But yes I do think that you finding something to do for your self would really help. You may also want to find something that you can do with your dh, something neither of you has done before that puts you on equal footing.
In my case, stbexh got fitter, more into his appearance and way less patient with me. I have struggled to loose the baby weight (youngest is 3) and he couldn't understand what I found so hard.
I wanted to learn Italian. I found a lady who comes to my house one evening a week to teach me. Could you learn a language? Either alone or with dh?

I don't think its reasonable for him to be going out so much when you are not. Its not fair. I don't care how driven he is to be fit. He has a wife sitting at home who needs him. I really hope he is not ducking out of bed time with the kids to do these sessions??

Don't sit on this. Book dates and weekends away with your dh. What ever is possible. And as for being interesting, if you need something else in your life then go for it. But don't be worrrying about what your dh thinks.

Can you get a jogging buggy? You can jog with your 9 year old. I take my older kids jogging they are 7 and 5. Could you get bikes and cycle to school? I cycle with my children everyday and do about 40 miles a week as a minimum with all four on a cargo bike and my fitness, weight, health, happiness etc has all improved hugely in the last year of having the bike.

I'm not sure if it is depression true but you definitely sound like you are in the mum rut and must have been for a long time with a 9 year old and a 1 year old. It doesn't last forever though and you sound like you have got into a pattern of feeling upset about being isolated and taken over with children but having anxiety about doing anything to change it.

The comments your DH is making are mean. You need to explain that you feel upset and isolated and have for so long that you have anxiety about socialising and guilt about leaving the children/him so although he probably means it as a joke, it is not something you have a sense of humour about.

He's not supporting you at all OP, he's a selfish arse. He's bloody sabbotaging every attempt you make to have a bit of a life outside the home.

Appreciate what you are saying about a jogging buggy etc Offred, but why should Birchykel have to take the DCs out when she goes jogging - her H doesn't even think about being able to leave the house several times a week with no DCs in tow. Family fitness should be just that - time with ALL the family, while time on your own is a different thing altogether.

Like ShyBairns, I'm afraid I too have experienced an H who got so into the gym and running and looking after number 1 that he forgot that he should also be spending time with me and his DCs!

I told him to leave and now that they go and stay with him on his days off I imagine he has less time for his own hobbies, while I get 2 child-free days to work, go swimming/running etc.

Perhaps if he doesn't take your gripes seriously, spell out what the alternative looks like for Hs who don't have time for anyone but themselves. I tried and XH didn't listen, but now he's getting to see it first hand.

How much free time do you get compared to his ? You need it to be equal really, or at least not what appears to be him having all the free time

Am liking the jogger idea but would need a cheap one really. Any ideas?

I can see your point doingitformyself I didn't really think about it that way, I tried talking to him a little while ago. He seemed shocked that I felt we were growing apart. It is difficult as his job means he does different hours each day and each week, he works hard for us. I appreciate that honestly. I explained that it seems he thinks what he is going to do in his free time rather than think about what we could do together. He said if I found a hobby would I still feel like we are growing apart....hmm not sure I guess I would though.
He said sometimes he comes home from work during the day and I'm not there, usually off doing baby things but he said I'm still socialising and I don't think about the fact he may be looking forward to coming home seeing us....bit stupid I think as am I suppose to stay home just incase he feels like spending time with us???
He admits he can be a little self absorbed at times.
I don't know he has a heart of gold really but I feel lost. Maybe he isn't the prob, maybe if I did something active I would feel better?
Shybairnes, he actually has done bath and bedtime all this week to help me out so maybe I'm the prob? That's what makes me think maybe I'm depressed and need help?
Maybe if I did things for me, lose weight, exercise more, find a hobby then I'd be better but I just don't know when I can do it all. He has more time than me defo, but I don't know how to change it.

I've gone on and on sorry

Doingitformyself - because he is at work in the day and because it gives you freedom to go when you want and not wait around for him to come home, does not mean she has to always go with the children but means she can choose which is one of the problems with the mum isolation, your choice can be limited to waiting for someone to take over your responsibilities. I find it more liberating to find ways to do the things I want while I have the children so I'm not dependent on my husband.

And I like the children for company I have found.

Try eBay op!

Offred yes I agree, I did say this to him too. Waiting for him to take over means I'm kinda restricted so I could just up and go when I feel like it.
Not really sure what I'm looking for to be honest but will check eBay.

Offred I see what you mean about not waiting around for him to help, but he does seem to be getting the better deal here. I know he's at work in the day but SAHMs are at work in the day too - and all evening/night!

My XH worked random days/hours too Birch, and I found myself waiting around hoping to spend time with him when he was at home, only to find he preferred to go it alone. He treated time with me & the DCs as a bit of an inconvenience, he endured it to 'earn' me-time. If your H isn't like that, then by all means try to work it out by improving yourself, getting your confidence back and finding some new hobbies that you can enjoy with or without the DCs.

FWIW I thought I was the problem all along, but all that happened was that when I found myself a hobby, some confidence and a backbone I realised that he's been taking the piss for the past decade! Sorry if I'm projecting that bitterness onto your situation, I hope for your sake that your H is more willing/able to accommodate your needs than mine was.

Well, you both work, him outside the home, you inside looking after your one year old.

You should both have 'down-time' or time away from the children in the week. So, in our house, my husband might take the children out on Sat morning to give me a morning to do what I like, then go to the gym in the afternoon, leaving me with the children. We then all eat as a family and go out on Sun together.

The point is here that your husband thinks that his time 'off' is not family time to be shared by all people but time in which he can do what he likes. 5 gym/sports sessions is ridiculous, unless you are happy with this and can also have 5 sessions to yourself.

I agree with Offred that you can do things like go to the gym in the day with a 1 year old, but the point is: when do you get your down/relaxation time AWAY from the one-year old. I love my children but I also love a few hours a week to do what I liked.

I also don't think you should have to take up a hobby to get downtime, I often just use my time away from the children to have a nap. I work, I'm tired, that's a treat for me.

Basically you need to call him on this now and point out the inequality and suggest a solution. Also point out that you don't expect 'jokes' to be made when you go out, given the rarity.

Yes, it's amazing how men's life's can change so little while women's so much!

It does sound like your DH has a single bloke's life. Does he have any domestic responsibilities? Or spend time on his own with DC? If not, he should do.

My DP would B's supremely selfish, if I allowed him to be. He would be quite happy to work f/t, play golf at the weekends & go to the gym a couple of night's a week.

Apart from I'm having none of it. I also felt he didn't pull his weight domestically & didn't support me in having some me-time to myself.

My solutions: got a cleaner, put DC in childcare 1 morning a week, which is my me-time & absolutely sacrosanct. I use it for exercise mainly, or split it between that & shopping.

I also have 2 weekends or so a year, where I go away with friends or family.

OP, I wasn't clear from your post what you actually want? You seem unhappy & to be bearing the burden of the home/childcare stuff.

Do you want him to give you an evening or two off a week? Or a morning at weekends? Do more round the house?

Are you sure the comments of "god what a social life" aren't meant deliberately to highlight how little you go out? Perhaps your DH is really trying to get you to go out more?

I think the only thing you can do is to take him at his word and start doing stuff for yourself while he babysits. If he plays up about it, he's an arse. If he doesn't, then it will do you the world of good.

So, my husband has had a week off work this week for his hobby, but has taken our 11yo with him. He popped back today, gave me a hug and said to our 3yo (I'll spend the day with you tomorrow!); code for DW you can have some time off!

We both work, he earns roughly 3x my salary (I am a teacher!) and I suppose my hours mean that I more than pull my weight in the house as he doesn't get home til late. However, I don't feel he takes advantage of me as he does nothing else except work during the week, always calls me when he leaves the office and I know he is doing it for us. I would be furious if my DH's hobby took him out of the house 3 evenings per week and I was left at home.

Things need to be more equal between the two of you and I think that you need to ensure that that happens. Can you not get a babysitter and go to the gym together once a week and then find something that you enjoy for yourself alone?

Good luck

You are misreading me doingit, I just mean that because he is at work in the day he cannot be at home. My DH is absolutely fantastic but if I have to wait until he comes home from work to do the things I want to do I feel stressed out and there is a lot of pressure on him to facilitate my social/hobby time none of which helps my social/hobby time. I am not trying to say being a SAHM is not work, not at all.

I did a search for "jogging buggy" but you could do some research on which one you like and then try to find one on eBay.

My DH is out of the house for 10 1/2 hours a day at work so that is 10 1/2 hours each day, 52 1/2 hours a week when I am by myself with full responsibility for the children. I study 12 hours + both weekend days between feb and mid oct and DH has children so there is limited time for our hobbies if they involve going out sans childers. He gets out to the pub once every couple of weeks, I visit a friend once every couple of months, we try to get out together and I would like more time for me and dh would be supportive but it isn't very possible right now. I enjoy the child free break at the weekend while I study!!

birchykel.... like the other posters, I can't help noticing that your DH seems to have an awful lot of spare time - and energy - for a man with two young families, including a one-year-old.

Which suggests that the burden of care is falling heavily on your shoulders, and his ex's for that matter.

You have a little one, and there is quite a gap between her and your eldest daughter. So you have to make quite large adjustments to cater for each of their needs, and each wants a share of your time. Do they get a good share of their Dad's time, I wonder, other than bath and bed? Do his older children go biking with him?

In fact I'm wondering how much actual time he spends with them, or you. Maybe it's worth timing it (quietly and privately) to get some perspective on this!

And then there's...

He says I need to find a hobby too but he doesn't seem to get that I look after the kids all the time and I'm too shattered to do much come evening.
-- So would I be. Hobbies are for when you've got some spare time and energy. Reading might be about my limit, in your position :) but we're all different.

my dh keeps making remarks (he says he's joking) like god what a social life, just going out and leaving us. It pisses me off to be honest.

-- Well I love to laugh, but I can't see the funny side of that, and plainly you don't either. Depends what he was really trying to say.

I'm also a bit about his complaints re you not being home during the day when he happens to pop home?.? That doesn't make a lot of sense.

I have the impression that your DH is living somewhat in his own world, and dropping in on his family/ies at his convenience. :( Even if you are depressed, there is more than that going on here.

Ladywordy u have given me lots to think about. I honestly don't know if he means to be his own little world, sounds silly I know. I've been very poorly the past few days, chest infection, feeling faint and just feeling poo. He has stepped up and had the baby all night and this morn ( she still wakes at mo from teething) he cleaned the kitchen and put washing on. He was meant to go gym today and didn't. BUT he did like to mention that he was suppose to go gym but isn't so he can take care of the family. Annoys me as surely he should just do that anyway without thinking about the poor gym? It's like he always needs recognition of his good deeds.

He works hard, one week earlies the next lates, hardly has days off so I guess I feel bad if I want him to stay at home with us or do something with us instead of going off to do something on his own.

He loves his family a lot, he felt sad for having to go to work today cos he misses the children. I think looking after the kids falls on me big time and I'm the one who has to think of it all when it comes to them if that makes sense.
He has always been there for his son, helped his ex from day one and see his boy as much as possible. As my step son has grown up he would rather go out with friends and so he comes round whenever he feels like it now. Or we try to go see him whenever possible. But it has become more like we have to try to fit in with his social life which to be fair is probably normal as he almost a teenager now and I think it's great he has lots of friends.

I'm just not sure what's wrong with me, feel like I'm just moaning. I need to sort my head out, find an active hobby and try to encourage quality time with my dh. Doesn't help that I'm poorly.

When I feel moany or angry like that it means one of two things.

1. I am not being supported or respected by others, receiving my fair share of give-and-take, and as a result feel I have the world on my shoulders. Its OK if its occasional, though still a bit of a "grumpy" effect, but if its chronic I think it can have longer lasting effects. OR

1. I am not giving myself the credit I deserve, the self-respect and love I deserve, including getting what I need, instead being too much of a martyr.

Either way, I'm doing myself down.

He says he will support you in what you want to do but what do you want to do.

Well why do you have to want to do anything? Why cant he support you in what you already do, looking after the kids and house? If you had support in that area then maybe you would have more energy to go out with friends for coffee or find a hobby.

The relationship sounds very unequal. And whether you are depressed or not the inequality needs addressed.

I really feel for you xx