Do I need help?

[birchykel]

Not sure how this will all come out as its jumbled in my head.

My dh and me have a one year old daughter, a 9year old daughter and a my dh has a 12 year old son ( who lives with his mum). our life's , as everyone's, has changed a lot. But it feels like mine has taken a massive change, I am a stay at home mum now, where I use to work and bring in an income, i do baby things during the day which is great of course, pick my daughter up from school, come home, cook, clean, wash etc etc.
My partner over the year has, gone to the gym, started enjoying bike riding, lost loads of weight and seems to be enjoying life. He is now trying to build muscle so goes on and on about food, exercise etc.
I am happy for him because he is happy and enjoying the things he does. But there is always the same argument, he has a life outside the family and I don't.

Having said that this week I have been lucky enough to be invited round a friends for an evening and I am going....but my dh keeps making remarks (he says he's joking) like god what a social life, just going out and leaving us. It pisses me off to be honest. I always ask if it's ok to go out without the kids, which doesn't happen often. He told me last night that next week he wants to go gym three times a week and do a bike ride twice I felt jealous, annoyed, and just felt like crying. What's that all about? Am I being unreasonable? Am I depressed?

He says I need to find a hobby too but he doesn't seem to get that I look after the kids all the time and I'm too shattered to do much come evening.

Im beginning to get paranoid that he is just going to get fed up with me not being as active as him, slim, sexy etc. part of me feels like leaving now to stop more hurt later on.

I can't keep talking to him About this cos he always says he will support me in anything I wana do but what do I wana do? Lose weight for sure, would love to be more fit, and find an interest that drives me like his bike and gym. But I don't see how I can when I'm constantly mummy and a partner.

Are our lives growing apart?

Do I need help?

Oooh, sorry to hear you aren't well birchykel, that sounds absolutely wretched. I'd want lots of and to make up for that.

I like the sound of your/DH's relationship with his son, it sounds very relaxed and open.

But Wannabe and others have said your relationship is unequal, and I think they're spot on,

For example, his taking it for granted that the childcare/housework is your affair, unless you're very ill, in which case he will chip in. Hmmm. When your family is ill you are meant to look after them. It's not a favour or a concession. And in fact you are meant to look after them anyway! ? it's what you do, after all, day in, day out. You can't just supply the money and say, ok, done that, now what do I feel like doing. Well, not in the 21st century anyway.

I don't think you need a hobby either, unless you WANT one (that's different). You really need some time for yourself, without your kiddie-radar on! Something, especially for YOU, that YOU want to do. Wallow in the bath, coffee with a friend, whatever you want.

Somewhere along the line you definitely ought to be doing things as a family, and sometimes, as partners. I don't know if that's happening now.

A family is not a task to do, or an accessory to pay for after all? it's a way of life! I like Shybairns' idea of doing something together where you are on an equal footing.

I hope I haven't confused issues further, and that you feel better soon, birchykel.

No u haven't confused me, not that it would take much haha.

I agree with you all, I just don't know how to say it to him without a massive argument and him feeling as though I'm ungrateful. Cos that is basically how he would see it and he would feel unappreciated. I know how that feels and wouldn't want to make anyone feel that way. But things need sorting so how do I go about it without the rows.
The other day when I said I needed to talk to him he rolled his eyes and said oh no not again.

I would like a hobby, like I said before I think I need an active hobby to try and help get fit and also help with the happy feelings I'm lacking....maybe? I do need child free time and I hardly get it, I did go round my friends on fri eve and it was nice but the next day was came down with this chest infection but am on mend now don't feel as light headed this morning at the moment.
But today was planned last week that it would be my lay in morning till 9 and then I'd take over so he could take his bike to a shop in London to have a service!!! I was looking forward to a lay in but he came home from work last night at ten (I was in bed) he asked how I felt and I said much better....he saw this as a relief for him it seemed as he then said 'well can you get up with baby then'? I told him I thought it was my lay in but he said 'well I was up most of the night with her, when do I get my lay in'? I was fuming and just said fine I'll do it, then turned over fighting the tears. He went downstairs and finally came to bed about 12ish, saying that if I get up and feel poorly to go and wake him at 7 and he will take over (obviously until he goes off to London) then he cuddled me telling me how much he loves me and couldn't be without me.
I beginning to feel empty, I love this man and want us to be together forever but the more he is like this the further away from him I feel but at the same time I just have no energy for arguments and he always seems to twist it round so I end up feeling the bad guy.

Have to say I'm finding coming on here having a rant helps sorry guys haha.

I'm just not sure what to do, I made an appointment for doctors this morn but I can't even go there without the kids. I'm going away with my parents in two weeks with the kids and I can't wait for the break without him.....I used to hate being without him. I need to tell him all this cos it isn't fair him thinking it's all great when it just isn't....for me.

I guess tonight when he is at work I'll write down things I need to do to change all this and maybe write him a letter incase it goes wrong and he gets the hump he can read what I need to say.

Oh and janelikesjam....I'm the same, either way we put ourselves down.xx
Thanks for advice guys and being there it helps a lot.
Xx

Not sure the doctor will help you really! You really need to be able to express your feelings to your husband. I find it hard too but you really need to, he can't be expected to accommodate your needs if you can't express them, if you do and he won't that is a separate problem but deal with one at a time.

Well def think its me with the prob, I'm finding myself getting annoyed by everything. I think I want/need a break. Yesterday he kept snapping at my eldest girl, but what he snapped her for was actually the one year old doing it so I had a go at him, but he once again turned it round. Said I'm not perfect and snap sometimes worse than him.......then he came home from work and I told about the neighbours daughter being abit of silly by keeping our daughters ball saying it was her brothers (she is 17) and he had a go at me cos I didn't go straight round and put her right.....I was unable to lift my head up yesterday so I told him this and then he shouts at me saying I'm so sensitive and he can't say anything right.
I'm so confused, maybe I am doing this to him, I know I love him but there's things that I feel need ironing out I just don't know when the right time to do this is or how to do it without a row.

Feeling a little Better today but then I said that yesterday and ended up on sofa again all day.

Think I need to really think hard about what is really going on here.

Hope your all enjoying this lovely weather.
Xx

I think you're worrying too much about him, his needs, his reactions, what the effect of you on him is..... This is not healthy because it means you are placing yourself at least #2 if not #3 after the children. If you raise any concerns you seem to be knocked back for it, not taken seriously, treated rather contemptuously or told that you have faults. That is simply unacceptable.

I would therefore advise you to

1. Be more selfish. Stop thinking about him and make plans that please you. 'Announce' rather than 'ask'. 'Tell' rather than 'suggest'. Then expect him to fit around you, not the other way around. He won't like it but you have to make the point.
2. If you are ill see the doctor, get the treatment and then take yourself off to bed for a whole week. Do not 'soldier on' or try to be brave or this will prolongue the illness. He probably won't like this either but I think some extended time taking care of the whole family is long overdue
3. Finally. Knock all this gym-time and bike riding etc. on the head. Limit him to one day a week. It may get dressed up as keeping fit or whatever but it's no more contributing to the household than if he was propping up the bar in the pub.

This is how it works though, he drives you mad then says "you are mad". It cannot possibly be all down to you and he is blaming you for him getting cross - how does that work?

Hey birchykel, I hope you were able to write that letter.

Looking back at your posts, your DH shows signs of selfishness to say the least, and this can be dealt with in a loving relationship. But I get the distinct impression that he's got his fingers in his ears, going 'la-la-la not listening'; and worse, I see hints of controlling behaviour.

You said:

• I just don't know when the right time to do this is or how to do it without a row.
• The other day when I said I needed to talk to him he rolled his eyes and said oh no not again.
• he always seems to twist it round so I end up feeling the bad guy.

?sounds a little like it's always your fault in his eyes. So is he one of those people who's never wrong? And you end up feeling in the wrong instead?

I don't much care for you getting an earful for dealing with the neighbour 'incorrectly', and when you quite rightly fight your corner to say you weren't well?.you're still wrong because you're too sensitive??

Don't like the feel of that and a warning amber light is on in my mind. Does he actually care, do you think, or are they words he says to placate you?

No need to respond btw, just offering my reflections.

Thanks I appreciate the advice and people's opinions, I'm just confused to be honest. Last night it turned into a kinda row, he was going to work and once again began preaching about how great he feels mentally and physically because of the exercise (which I do agree ) he said that another guy at work thinks the same.....when he does this in his head he thinks he is doing good by telling me this all the time, he thinks he is encouraging me and I know it's because years ago he had depression and could never find a release but the gym has helped this and I am proud of him to be honest. He is very enthusiastic as you can probably tell....but I do understand why. He doesn't have a lot of friends and so enjoys sharing it all with me. But last night I took it personally like a dig at me for being unfit and overweight. I tried to let it go over my head, but then he said ' you don't do anything do you don't know the feeling'....on this I took our daughter and just walked inside. I received a text later saying how he is sick of me snapping at him, he said he was trying to be positive and I take it as he is putting me down and being preachy. He said he always tries to support me whatever it is that bothers me but I throw it back in his face. He said he is sick of hearing how easier it is for him and that me saying he has more time for himself is bullshit. He said I can sort out what I want to do with my life and have determination to do it on my own, nobody else can. I put hurdles in the way and if I stop doing that then everything else will fall into place.
Sorry didn't mean to go into so deep but I need others view.
I didn't let him get away with it, I told him a few things of how he has been making me feel but he puts it all down to me feeling shit about myself, I made sure he knew that his actions make me feel shit.
We said a lot but I still think he doesn't get it. I told him I need more us time, more romance, abit more affection but we will see. We have arranged a day in a weeks time for just us two to spend together but I'm not convinced it will go well having said that I will be positive and put my all into the day.

I actually wish I could read what u have all said to me to him because u all word it better than me and it makes sense, but when I try to tell him it never comes out properly.
It's like he has forgotten what it's like to feel as though ur in a rut, alone and just worthless. Because believe me he has been there. I miss my family as they live 103miles away.
I've said what I have to say to him so now I've just got to give him a chance. He said if I want to do something when he gets back from work that I've gota say and not just agree with him if he wants to go to the gym.

Sorry again for going on and on

Don't be sorry for speaking your mind birchykel.

As I see it, when he talks about the gym, you say he thinks he's encouraging you?..but you AREN'T encouraged, really, are you?.and he doesn't notice or care, apparently.

'You don't do anything do you don't know the feeling' ?AARRGH?you don't do anything?? To walk quietly inside shows great self-restraint IMHO. Bringing up a family and running a home is not doing anything? Has he tried it himself...

And worse, on seeing you were upset he isn't in any way mortified, wondering what he can do to make amends?.but tearing you off a strip, yet again.

And forgive me but "I can sort out what I want to do with my life and have determination .... I put hurdles in the way and if I stop doing that then everything else will fall into place" ..... is a lot of motivational ????, have read plenty of that over the years and wondered how much the people who say it actually have to do in their lives. Someone else cleans their loo and takes their cat to the vet, I think . We all need others to help us reach our goals.

Still, it's great that you've been able to talk at least, to let him know you aren't happy and why - and fix a date night for yourselves. That is a real step forward. Hope it goes OK.

Thanks lady,
Your right in what you say. I think he is fed up with me 'moaning' or being 'miserable' all the time. Have to say things seem strange between us, not sure if it's in a good way yet. But he took me to the bike shop today and I got fitted out for a decent one, I was looking at cheaper ones but he insisted I get a good one, so I bloody did and I got a decent child seat that fits at the front. The girls got new helmets too! He did say when we were there for me to go and get on with it, well I have no idea about bikes so as he walked off I followed and told him I need his help as I'm not sure what I'm doing and he did come and help.

Tomorrow he has the day off and is taking us to the zoo and then off to see my step son for a meal in the evening. So that is great and I'm looking forward to it but it does feel as though he wants to be with kids rather than me but I could be paranoid from how ive been feeling lately. I have tried more to be affectionate towards him so at least I'm trying and if it fails then I can walk away knowing I gave my all.

I do agree with you though saying I do nothing was horrible, I just don't know how I walked away calm. I was hoping he would of have texted saying sorry but no.
Fingers crossed for a good day tomorrow.

Thanks again.x

It sounds as though he may have an unfortunate manner but has his heart in the right place. Time will tell I'm sure!

Yes your probably right offred, think I've always just got with it and not really been bothered by it but since our youngest has come along its got to me and I've got to sort it because it's bringing me down, I don't feel like a real woman at the moment so really working on it for myself! X

I agree with Offred, it sounds very promising birchykel.

Today sounds much more loving and family-like, and I do hope tomorrow is fun for everyone too! Everyone is trying, so as you say, whatever happens - you are giving it your best. No-one can ask for more.

If he will help you do what you want to do, as he did today, that is a great way forward.
Hoping you all have a lovely day! :) :)

It is very isolating being at home with the relentless hard work of a young child. I think he could do with being more self aware as just having good intentions is not always enough but it sounds as if he does at least have good intentions which is half the battle!

CrystalsAreCool thank you for that, that's really helped. Yes I think I'll do just that, I did mention working out a timetable but he did snub it but if I am more assertive then it shouldn't be a problem. Have to say I think where I've lost my assertiveness and all that goes with it I feel more like a child then a woman if that makes any sense. It's time for me to work out what I want to do and start feeling like a woman again.

Yesterday went really well, was a little moment where he seemed miserable but I kept positive and enthusiastic and it made a difference. A nice meal in the evening and we cuddle up in the evening watching the television and it was nice, felt like there's a big chance it can all work out.