DH lies a lot about silly things. Any hope?

[PantsOnFiore]

DH is lovely. Great company, great round the house, great with our dc. He isn't so great at telling the truth though

It seems to always be little things, but he just lies all the time and makes up stories and I'm starting to get really pissed off. I feel like I don't want to talk to him or be with him because I can't trust him.

Examples are - 'Did you order my prescription?' 'No, I tried to but the pharmacist didn't understand what I wanted' 'You mean you forgot?' 'Yes'.

Or 'I bought this for the car for £40' 'Excellent'. Friend comes over 'That's great, that car thing, I saw them for £80 in Argos' me to DH 'You said it was £40!!!!'

All quite silly but starting to really annoy me as bringing dc into it now. He went to shops in car and left dd (6) in car. I don't like him to do this. Came back home and she told me. I was annoyed and said 'Did you leave dd in the car????' he said 'no' which then made me have to question dd and 'choose' who to believe (he finally admitted he was lying and he did leave her).

So, is there any hope? Should I just leave him? His mother is incredibly scary and I think this all stems from trying to avoid being screamed at when he was a child, but that doesn't make it any better for me

This would be a deal breaker for me. He made you question your 6you - the fuckwit

Nooooo don't leave him! At least it sounds as if he's a really rubbish liar.

What does he say when you tell him how annoying this is?

Does he lie at work? If not, why?

How do you react when he tells you an uncomfortable truth (if he ever does?)

Do you ever give him one positive feedback for being straight with you?

Until you mentioned his mum, I thought there was nothing to save here. If you can't trust someone to tell you the truth, what kind of relationship do you have?

However, if his mum is like this, he has simply learned to lie to avoid being screamed at (and maybe being hit?) Do you think he panics now at the thought of being 'in trouble'?

I think joint counselling would do him the world of good.

I am really sorry but I couldn't live with anyone who, if he said anything, i was always questioning if he was telling the truth or not.

He is a bit 'childish' in his explanation of why he lies. He says that he lies because he 'doesn't want to get into trouble' and thinks I will think badly of him if he tells the truth, ie that he forgot to go to the pharmacy.

I've told him again and again that I don't care about what he's done or not done, but that the lying is starting to be a dealbreaker.

When 'caught out' he apologises profusely and says he needs to 'man up' and take the consequences of his actions rather than try to lie his way out of them.

We've been together 8 years and have 2dc so I need and want to try to make this work.

He definitely panics at the thought of being in trouble, yes.

Joan - I'm not sure about at work. I know he lies to his mum all the time.

I've tried not reacting badly when he is honest, or more often when he confesses quickly to a lie but it doesn't seem to have any effect.

I have gone mad in the past at him doing things I don't want him to do, ie leaving dd in the car (to pop into corner shop not do full Tesco shop ) but what I don't understand is why he thinks 'she doesn't like me doing this, therefore I'll do it anyway and then lie' rather than 'she doesn't like me doing this so I wont do it' OR 'she doesn't like me doing this so I'll do it but explain to her why I'm doing it first and my point of view'

Being slightly prone to this sort of thinking myself, I can honestly say that in my case most of it is just thoughtlessness and laziness, plus a profound dislike of conflict, any taste of which leaves me flailing in a pit of the horrors. It's not complicated, it's just not very admirable.

It's possible he would find CBT useful, if he actually wants to sort this out. It sounds so ingrained he might need some help to break the habit - it might not be possible for him to simply say 'I'm going to tell the truth from now on'.

His mother was erm, interesting, when he was younger, very up and down, very screamy etc and I think the fear is deeply ingrained.

Joan - thank you for sharing, I will suggest counselling I think, whether CBT or general, because him just saying 'I'll stop lying now' obviously isn't working!

i wouldnt leave him for this. id just pick him up on it everytime. and remind him women only ask questions cos they know the answer already they r just checking what u say. my guy used to do it... about smoking mainly... he doesnt bother now thank god. good luck and have a word!

You didn't have to question DD, you chose to do that.

Lora so true

Tinker - well I suppose not, but as she was next to him when he denied what she said, it was a bit difficult not to.

My sister in law's DH is like this.

He's generally a lovely bloke but makes up all sorts of tales. We're used to it now and take it with a pinch salt. He's otherwise sane....

I would find it difficult to live with because of the practical considerations you mention. Can you pick up on it every time it happens, say for a week or two, and list it and then sit down and talk it through with him?

Come to think of it, I have a habit of doing that re cost too when discussing stuff with DH. So he'll ask how much the weekly shop was and I'll often knock ten quid off. I can't face the argument otherwise! Could this be what is happening with your DH albeit in respect of a lot more issues?

He left your 6yo dd alone in the car while he went into a shop

And this is not the first time he's done this
And he then sat next to her and lied about it after she'd told you?

FGS, where is this man's brain?

Bringing the dc into his lies has to be a dealbreaker.

At least you get the truth in the end. Having lived with a compulsive liar, its a situation i wouldn't repeat. Your poor dd.

I think I used to be a bit like this in relationships when I was younger. It was mostly low self-esteem and utter terror that someone might get upset with me (yes I have mum issues too ). It's hard to describe but the anxiety of someone being upset with me, even if they're not actually that upset, can be overwhelming.

I still have this anxiety but over the years I figured out it was easier to just do the right thing and not lie about it. It took some serious effort to break the habit though.

i would strongly recommend counseling, CBT is great for this, it's all about ditching bad mental habits.

Leaving a young child alone in a car while he goes into a shop is reprehensible behaviour.

Leaving a young alone in a car while he takes himself off into a shop after he's been presumably read the riot act told not to place a child at risk in this manner renders him worthy of ditching - and he can take his bad mental habits with him.

I was on the fence because of what you say about his mum, but actually I'm with izzy on this, sorry

I think he needs to speak to someone. It seems like its ingrained in him because of his upbringing. It's like he can't 'switch' it off.

"he finally admitted he was lying and he did leave her"

If, heaven forbid, a child he'd left alone in a car while he pootled around a shop was abducted from the vehicle or driven off with, would he lie to the police?

This man's moral compass is so skewed that IMO there's a strong possibility that he'd delay informing the police for fear of censure, or he'd claim the child had gone missing from his side while in the shop or some other such cock and bull story.

If his prevarication impeded or otherwise hampered a search for a child that he'd needlessly placed at risk, would anyone have any sympathy for him?

I don't have any sympathy for anyone who has repeatedly placed their dc at needless risk of harm and who shows no sign of ceasing to do so.

If he hasn't done so already, he'll soon be coaching your dc to collude with his lies. He'll turn it into a game - your dc and their df pitting their wits against you. What fun your dc will have

To me, this is a complete overreaction.

He's a great dad, great around the house.

He has an achilles heel, which is that when cornered over relatively trivial things, he lies.

He is not lying over affairs/losing his job/big troubling lies.

I don't count knocking £40 off the price of something as a serious lie, I do that all the time and I know my husband does it to me, we mean it was 'about' £40! It's a white lie and I don't think this is a hanging offence.

With the car, I obviously am a very dangerous person with no regard for my childrens' safety, as I have started leaving my 6 year old in the car when I pop my other child into ballet. It takes about five min, she's very tired, and I have made the judgement call that it is safer for her to stay in the car with her book than get out, cross a busy road twice and come with me. It is 5 min max and that's what I feel is acceptable. My eight year old often reads her book in the car in the same situation. If a policeman came along, they would see a child sitting in the car, reading a book, with the window open, and I would be back within a few minutes. So what?

Now- he shouldn't lie about it. And, if he's a good parent, and the other parent expresses real concern about this judgement call, he should do what you want, out of respect for you (my husband on the other hand thinks we are absolutely bonkers about safety, as he comes from a European country in which 6/7 year olds walk to school, all of them, go away from home for days with the school, and go on skiing trips whilst in nursery, so has an entirely different understanding of what 6 year olds are capable of).

Sit him down again. Say: you are really pissing me off with the lying. In particular, you know I don't like you leaving X in the car, so DON'T DO IT. And, I will be checking.

The other lies, be honest with him about how much it upsets you.

But really, do people honestly get up and walk out of perfectly ok marriages (which could be worked on) for stuff like this? Will the children really be safer/protected from this (nice) daddy who happens to tell the odd porkie if they are separated, with all the trauma and distress that brings even if handled well? And, let's face it, if you separated, he has sole care for his portion of time, he can do what he likes and say what he likes!

This would be a total dealbreaker for me.

I have no time for casual liars.

Good Dads don't leave small children in the car alone while they go to the shop.

Nor do they then teach the child that fathers lie and mothers are to be lied to.

To allow a 6 year old to get in trouble to cover your own inability to be honest is appalling.

People who can't tell the truth are pretty much worthless.

On reading your Op it struck me immediately that he is worried about your reaction/being reprimanded! When you then said his Mum was very scary and screamed at him, it makes sense. Agree with posters who suggest you calmly tell him how much is getting to you. If he wants (and perhaps would be helpful) he can self refer to IAPT for CBT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies for Cognitive Behavioural therapies - GP can give number or google for your local area). Good luck - sounds like a good Dad otherwise and I would not have him hung drawn and quartered for leaving 6 yr old locked in car x

Dh does this. but he never admits it's a lie. I have to prove him wrong. it's exhausting.

I don't agree with Izzy that leaving the six year old in a car is 'reprehensible' - stated as fact.

Plenty of parents choose to leave their children alone in different ways and situations - it is a matter of personal choice and opinion. You only have to read AIBU to see that! One parent's comfort zone is entirely different to another's.

The lying about it and other things is a problem, of course. It must be exhausting as EyesDoMore says. And deflating. And infuriating. And stressful.

I don't see it as a dealbreaker - but only you can decide this and know how deeply it is affecting you and your marriage.

I see it as something to work on and in all honesty a cross to bear - we all have them in our relationships.

The scary mum stuff makes perfect sense to me and I have some sympathy with your dh as well as with you.