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Original poster

Dating Separated Men

46 replies

sandy167 · 19/07/2012 15:13

Could do with some honest and to the point advice about separated men.

I met a nice man 3 months ago , have lots in common, really hit it off and enjoy his company so much. I know its early days but i just feel he is right for me.

Now here is the but, he is still technically married however he has been separated from the ex for 13 years and although it is amicable they only see each other once a year or not that.

They don't want a divorce as neither wish to remarry and find that they have amically split and see divorce as unnecessary and expensive. He assures me that he has no feelings for the ex anymore and its is 100% over and he has moved on.

Would you date someone that had separated for 13 years but not divorced?

Should i continue seeing him or just keep it as friends?

Sandra

OP posts:
Lueji · 19/07/2012 15:16

I might date, but I'd never consider more than that.
Definitely not living together.

Financially it would become too complicated.
Not sure in terms of inheritance, etc, but each may have a claim to each other's assets.
Others may be able to clarify it.

And if they divorce amicably, it should not be that expensive.

nocake · 19/07/2012 15:18

There are very good reasons to get divorced, even if you don't plan to marry again. There's no need for it to be expensive if it's amicable, particularly after 13 years as I assume their finances are completely seperate? So you need to ask yourself, what's the real reason he isn't divorced.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2012 15:20

No. He sounds like a right catch - not. He's not a nice man, he's looking for an opportunity.

Do you truly believe what he says re the ex wife and being separated for 13 years?.

As for him being technically married, well you are either married or you are not. He has way too much baggage and apart from anything else is still married seeing as divorce to them is too expensive!.

Run, not walk away. You deserve a better man without all this complicated crap behind him. Raise your own relationship bar.

Lovingfreedom · 19/07/2012 15:20

Are you in Scotland? Reason I ask is that it is the more common route in Scotland to do a separation first. I'm separated but not divorced myself. My solicitor said it will cost me about £1300 for a divorce (can't get quickie cos of DCs under 16) and the only difference it makes is that it frees both partners up to re-marry. In the separation agreement have finalised the finances, separated property, right to inheritance etc and severed all other commitments. If he's done the same thing and just not actually got the divorce then don't see a problem, unless you really want to marry him or if you suspect that he is lying and he is actually still 'married' as in attached and committed.

Original poster
sandy167 · 19/07/2012 15:21

Do you think alarm bells should be ringing then? I want a long term relationship nothing less.

What reasons are there not to divorce? Have never been in this position before.

OP posts:
Original poster
sandy167 · 19/07/2012 15:23

@ loving freedom im in England so not familiar with that situation in Scotland.

OP posts:
Original poster
sandy167 · 19/07/2012 15:25

@ Attilathemeerkat supposing he is the one though? I could chuck something good away just becuase of a legal issue.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 19/07/2012 15:25

I think things are different in England/Wales. Is Scotland the separation agreement is really the important bit for splitting assets and the divorce can't happen without it. Mind, if he has been separated for that long, chances are kids are over 16 and he could get quickie divorce for about £250 or something..in which case, why doesn't he? [the £1300 quote was based on assuming that both parties agree and no complications - that's another reason I personally haven't done it yet...couldn't be sure ex wouldn't start playing silly buggers re access to kids which is a boat I don't partiucularly want rocked at the moment...def not cos I am still attached to him...!]

Lovingfreedom · 19/07/2012 15:32

OP - cross posted. You're in England so prob best to ignore my prev posts! lol. Erm...dunno...ask him? TBH it doesn't sound that unlikely to me and I'm usually fairly suspicious/harsh on the guys. I'd guess that the most likely explanations are: 1. he didn't instigate the split and his ex has never pushed for the divorce so he didn't either (and he's maybe slightly lazy/hapless/ridiculously easy going)...2. he's lying to you and he's actually still married and not separated at all.

Original poster
sandy167 · 19/07/2012 15:34

£250 well if that all it costs then find it funny that he hasn't done it.

Honestly what reason is there to stay separated and not divorced. I can honestly say i do not know anyone at all who is separated and once there marriage was over they got divorced end of.

OP posts:
Original poster
sandy167 · 19/07/2012 15:36

Well he is married but is 101% separated. I trust what he says and he was upfront and honest about before we got to attached to eachothers company.

OP posts:
MissFaversam · 19/07/2012 15:37

Nope OP. I wouldn't enter into this to be honest. I don't like people who won't shut one door before opening another.

Original poster
sandy167 · 19/07/2012 15:38

@ MissFaversam Even after 13 years?

OP posts:
IslaValargeone · 19/07/2012 15:44

He's still leaving the door open though isn't he.

LapisBlue · 19/07/2012 15:46

Yes, he really is leaving the door open.

I understand that one can divorce quickly and easily after such a long period of time. OP, ask him again. And make sure he tells you the truth. Also, present him with the facts about how easy it is to legally end his marriage - and then see what he says.

MissFaversam · 19/07/2012 15:49

Not necessarily to get back with wife but leaving unfinished business knocking around. Don't like people who do this sort of thing.

It shows a great deal about a person in my eyes and not in a good way.

oldwomaninashoe · 19/07/2012 15:50

I've known a woman in this situation who wouldn't divorce because it was against her religous beliefs.

Original poster
sandy167 · 19/07/2012 15:51

I will email him later and ask him as to me after 13 years it is very weird in my oppinion. He does have children though they were put up for adoption. He is 47. His children are mentally messed up because of that. He is a complicated guy.

This is hard becuase we get on like a house on fire and so compatibilty.

Is it true that you can really like someone, be compatible, have a lot in common and still not be right for eachother?

I myself can't sleep properly as i am worried i will get hurt.

Just wish i could meet someone with not so much baggage. He is 47 like i say and i am 30 which isn't an issue. I have never married before.

I actually met him off the internet so perhaps that isn't the best place.

OP posts:
DitaVonCheese · 19/07/2012 15:58

Explain the kids thing? Confused

solidgoldbrass · 19/07/2012 15:59

His children were put up for adoption? FFS they are not puppies or kittens. Unless there is a very good story behind that, I would be running a mile from a man like this. 'Complicated' my arse, the word you are looking for is almost certaily spelt A B U S I V E.

TBH you sound utterly desperate for A Man and that's a bad place to be. You will only attract headcases and predators when you are on a frenzied mission to be Not Single. Take some time right off dating, work on making a good life for yourself as a human being, not a 'half' looking for the 'other half'.

MissFaversam · 19/07/2012 16:05

Children up for adoption? FFS OP run.

MissFaversam · 19/07/2012 16:07

One of my pre-requisits, knowing at my age that people have a past/children, is to find out whether he has a good relationship with the kids, if not it's bye bye.

Lovingfreedom · 19/07/2012 16:07

The stuff about kids puts a different spin on it...ignore my other posts...give him a body swerve. There's tons of nice guys out there...don't bother with this guy or like SGB says enjoy being single for a while.

Lueji · 19/07/2012 16:09

I would wonder about the reasons for putting own children for adoption.
Particularly if not as newborn babies.

Then I'd start backing off slowly, and then run for the hills.

I understand people who have trouble feeding their children in some countries. Not in the UK, FGS.

KirstyWirsty · 19/07/2012 16:10

My sister's DP has been with my sister for 10 years and separated 2 years before that and he is still married

I am still confused about why he says he 'can't' get a divorce - it's something to do with wrangling over money however my sis is quite concerned that his wife would have some share in their house should he die (he is 16 years older than my sis too!)