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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating Separated Men

46 replies

sandy167 · 19/07/2012 15:13

Could do with some honest and to the point advice about separated men.

I met a nice man 3 months ago , have lots in common, really hit it off and enjoy his company so much. I know its early days but i just feel he is right for me.

Now here is the but, he is still technically married however he has been separated from the ex for 13 years and although it is amicable they only see each other once a year or not that.

They don't want a divorce as neither wish to remarry and find that they have amically split and see divorce as unnecessary and expensive. He assures me that he has no feelings for the ex anymore and its is 100% over and he has moved on.

Would you date someone that had separated for 13 years but not divorced?

Should i continue seeing him or just keep it as friends?

Sandra

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 19/07/2012 16:12

OK, if 'his children were put up for adoption' means he got a teenage girl pregnant, she chose adoption over abortion and he has never seen or had contact with the DC, that's sort of acceptable, though from the late 70s onwards, adoptions were less likely to be 'closed' to the extent that the bioparents never saw the DC.

But if the truth is that these DC were born within his marriage and neither he nor his wife are looking after them... well, you'd need to know what did happen, and how he feels about it now.

Original poster

sandy167 · 19/07/2012 16:14

Well MissFaversham he only sees them a couple of times a year. Well judging from what most of you have written on these posts i think ill ditch him and find someone else. Can't be doing with baggage like that. In future i will make it clear if i ever do internet dating again no married or separated men!

OP posts:

scentednappyhag · 19/07/2012 16:14

My mum and dad have been separated for twelve years and never divorced because, well, they just didn't.
They're both now in 10 year+ relationships, and have no romantic feelings for each other at all.
Different strokes and different folks blahblahblah

Alurkatsoftplay · 19/07/2012 16:15

I was going to say some people can't be arsed, can't find the paperwork etc to sort out the divorce. I didn't for ages until my now DH was v annoyed. However, the children being adopted is weird - child ok, but children?

ThePigOnTheWall · 19/07/2012 16:16

Can I just say that I have been separated for 5 years, but am not divorced.

I am happily in a long-term relationship and my (D?)H lives with his girlfriend

We've just never got round to it. sorted out money and the kids between us which has worked, amicably, for 5 years. Just never made it legal. Don't know why really. It's certainly not to keep the door open to reconciliation [horror]

However, having said all that, the bit about the adopted kids made me a bit "wtaf"? about this man OP. you need to know more

scentednappyhag · 19/07/2012 16:17

Ah, ok, missed a few posts there... Ignore me!

Mama1980 · 19/07/2012 16:17

Leaving all other issues aside (?????adopted children) I have a friend who married at 18 had a baby with his wife she left him less than a year later. They are still not divorced 10 years later simply as because underage dd is involved the minimum cost was 1500£ which they haven't got to spare. They both have other partners and have just filed it away as something to sort out at a later date, when money isn't so tight etc.

MissFaversam · 19/07/2012 16:18

Oh and only men who have a healthy relationship with their kids OP, don't forget that major one.

schmarn · 19/07/2012 16:24

Just a quick point here for the OP and any others living with someone who is separated but still married to someone else. Unless they have written a will saying something different, their entire estate/inheritance will pass to their estranged wife if they die. You may have lived with them for 20 years but you will have a legal fight on your hands to get anything. The default position under law is that the spouse gets the lot unless they have a written will that says something different. Being married still means something I'm afraid.

HarrietSchulenberg · 19/07/2012 16:24

Like Pig, H and I are separated but not divorced. We've been apart for nearly 3 years, although we split up but lived in the same house for a year before that.
We're friends and can't be bothered going through the process of a divorce, which IS expensive.

I have no intention of marrying again and neither does he. Both of us see marriage as purely a legal issue and the hassle of dissolving shared assets (house) is one that we can do without.

Should either of us ever meet someone else we'd have to look at a divorce, but being separated for a long period of time doesn't imply a continued emotional involvement.

solidgoldbrass · 19/07/2012 16:28

You're doing the right thing to bin this one. For one thing, he could actually be dangerous: the children may not so much have been given away by him as taken into care because he and/or his wife were abusive parents.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2012 16:32

For, far too complicated. You do not need him and his assorted baggage.

Bin him!!.

Lovingfreedom · 19/07/2012 16:35

Note, not for OP, but for others/the record. Different in Scotland. Separation agreement usually negates succession rights so in my case, if/when I die H gets nothing...and vice versa.

Original poster

sandy167 · 19/07/2012 16:36

Well despite one one of the posters on here said i am not desperate!

I am just fed up of being single for 6 years now and like to find someone who has not much baggage and who is right for me. I honestly at the moment don't feel i will ever meet the right person.

Perhaps thats why he used the internet then to meet people because women in the real world would have seen through him straight away.

OP posts:

Original poster

sandy167 · 19/07/2012 16:42

@Solidagoldbrass i don't think he was abusive to his kids. But neither of them wanted them so why the hell have them hey? Im not going to bother with this guy, mind made up :-)

OP posts:

ThePigOnTheWall · 19/07/2012 17:30

Oh op you will meet the right man when you least expect it. Promise

Tbh the more I hear, the more I'm thinking you're making the right decision to ding him. The poster who said to look for a man who would walk over broken glass for his kids was right. This man sounds the opposite

Finallygotaroundtoit · 19/07/2012 17:42

Sandy, have you actually met him or is this all online?

Original poster

sandy167 · 19/07/2012 17:47

Ive actually met him in real life.

@ Pig i honestly thought he was the right man. We clicked instantly! Have so much in common. Such a pain in the arse.

OP posts:

kinkyfuckery · 19/07/2012 17:58

"neither of them wanted them" - the kids?!?!? It wasn't a frigging car or coffee table that neither of them wanted upon separation! That itself would have me running for the hills, never mind the lack of divorce!

Do you want kids at some point sandy167

Original poster

sandy167 · 19/07/2012 18:04

I don't want children no.

OP posts:

SorryMyLollipop · 19/07/2012 18:05

If he has face to face contact with his dc's them presumably he has not been abusive/violent to them.

BUT

Heed the posters who have said that a man's good relationship with his dc(s) is critical. I have been online dating and have only been looking for men who have children for this very reason, how they are with their kids tells you so much about them, how responsible, caring, unselfish they are etc.

Even if he hasn't been abusive/violent to his dc's then surely there are other red flags here regarding his levels of commitment/responsibility etc if they have been adopted.

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