Not sure if I have anger issues or if DH is being weird.

[openerofjars]

How can you tell if someone is having anger management problems or if they are responding normally to an unreasonable situation? DH has told me a couple of times that I am horrible and always angry. I'm not sure I agree with this but I do feel irritable a fair bit of the time. We had a massive row this morning which started out as a discussion about something different, and when i tried to put my point of view across he said I was being angry and irrational, which I admit did make me cross. I'm not proud of the fact that I called him an angry little man. I have texted him to say sorry but he has not responded.

I feel that I'm not angry all the time but that I am tired (DD is 7 weeks old) and stressed (we are moving house very soon and I have assignments to do for my MA) and occasionally it all gets a bit daunting. I don't feel that I am mentally ill, but then I would say that even if I was, wouldn't I? I also feel as if he has lost respect for me since he went back to work after paternity leave, e.g. doesn't take me seriously, ignores me when I'm talking, talks over me. But that is just how it feels to me, and it's not like this all the time. He is very considerate at other times and e.g. gives DD her late feed so I can get some sleep.

So how do I know if it's him or me being unreasonable?

Wait about 6 months till your baby is a bit older, you've moved house, your MA work is done and you're getting a bit more sleep. If you're still 'acting irrationally' at that point, then it might be worth thinking about how you respond to anger etc.

You don't say if this is your first DC so sorry if not but you are in the middle of the most stressful bit at the moment and IMHO your DH probably needs to cut you some slack.

We also have a lovely 3yo DS who witnessed the argument this morning. . I am a shit wife and a shit mum.

Having a baby and moving house are both really stressful events. DH and I had some real barneys when we had a small baby as we were both so tired.

Has he always made out that you're irrational, or has it just started since you had your baby? If its the latter its possibly just tiredness and stress.

my 3yo dd witnessed a row this morning too and I feel the same. hopefully they wont remeber as it's not a regular occurance (in front of them anyway)
x

With all that going on, it's no wonder you feel stressed and irritable.

You certainly have a lot on your plate at the moment. Try to cut yourself a bit of slack....you don't sound like a shit wife & mum at all from what you've written. It's difficult juggling all that...and staying cheerful. Too much. Couple of things about your partner....if you've apologised by text then he could at least respond to that (assuming he's seen it etc). Silent treatment is cruel and childish (at best). Also ignoring you, talking over you etc is down-right rude and, as you've identified, suggests a lack of respect. You don't come across here as someone with mental health issues, but as someone who is trying to manage a lot of responsibility and tasks who might benefit from a bit of kindness and support. Take care. Feel for you. x

Thank you. I am doing a shite job, though. There is nothing in the fridge, I have done nothing all day apart from feed and change DD, so now I have to drag poor DS round Tesco after nursery to find something for tea. I have no idea if DH will be joining us for tea as he still has not texted me back. I am only assuming he is coming home because his stuff is here and he would miss the DC if he didn't.

I am feeling far too sorry for myself as well as sorry for being a twat this morning. I am now going out to pick DS up from nursery and can't actually seem to stop crying, so now the staff are going to think that I'm an unfit mother and a freak as well. I don't actually think I can hold it together long enough to get in and out without giving the game away and if anyone asks if I'm okay I will dissolve. I feel like my heart is breaking, like actual grief. Wtf?

On the bright side, I guess that establishes who is in the right here. Clearly I am a nut job and DH is perfectly reasonable.

Seems like he turns things around a bit doesn't he?

I don't know, I could be imagining it, iyswim. I can never remember who said what in an argument (my sister used to love that when we were kids!) but he can quote chapter and verse. I just end saying, "yeah, well, you smell of poo" or similar. I suck at arguments.

Really must go and get DS. and chocolate.

OP - I do feel for you. It's hard work, you're having a difficult time (understandably), I'd guess you usually manage it all pretty well but today it's come to a bit of a head. I wouldn't at all infer from what you've said that there's anything wrong with you pschologically...sounds like pretty normal reaction to stressful situation. Your DH sounds like he isn't helping as much as he could be and is being a bit of a prick (at best) by accusing you of being moody, horrible angry or whatever it is rather than giving you proper support that you need. Is there anyone in RL who can give you a bit of a breather today? Try to dump some of this stuff on DH and get a little bit of time to yourself at least today.

Sounds like he was losing the argument and he's diverted it into an attack on you so he can claim he was winning...

next time he tries something like this tell him that he's not the one with sleep deprivation, recovering from giving birth, looking after a toddler and so on, not to mention a partner that ignores me and talks over me when I'm trying to talk. Say that his attack means he knows he is losing, that he is the one getting angry and that you'll continue the conversation when he has calmed down and can have a rational discussion without needing to attack you when he is losing.

And then just turn around and walk away. If he tries anything just do the toddler thing of repeating that you will talk to him once he has calmed down, stops attacking you and can have a sensible discussion like a grown up. Oh and once you have managed to catch up on several weeks worth of sleep...

Don't be drawn into thinking that because he says it, it is true!

Sometimes a man who provokes his partner until she loses control and then blames her for being angry is an abusive man. Sometimes calling you angry and mad is just a way of making you shut up and obey your lord and master.
You;ve got a young baby, how much of the domestic work is your H doing? Just because he works for wages rather than in the home doesn't mean he is the only adult entitled to leisure time; you should both be getting the same amount of time to relax (which admittedly wont be much, with a newborn, but this stage does pass).

this just sounds so much like your DH hasn't a clue what you are dealing with...physically, emotionally, anything...

he wants to be finding some compassion and respect for his DW...pronto!!!
How the fuck dare he have a go at you and turn this into your fault....dreadful...ignoring you too!!...verbal good bloody slap in order!!!

Yes, tell him you have been through alot, are adjusting, helping DC1 adjust, finding your feet with managing 2 DC's, trying to pack a house, the physical side of your pregnancy and birth is a major adjustment in it's self.....if that makes you a bit grizzly, exhausted and not able to find the funny side right now....maybe he should stop and think about whats been happening at home for his DW and try to look after you better and with more thought....whilst his life has remained it's normal routine and feeding a baby a last bottle before his bed is hardly fucking demanding.....!!!

I'm so upset on your behalf.....xxxx ((HUG))

Just popping in v quickly, dc being ace & quiet in car after Tesco shop. Have read all posts & v grateful for support. I am not all innocent & put upon & I know I can be a grumpy old arse, but agree I felt taunted this morning.

The irony of it is that we were arguing about feminism.

I am not leaving the bastard, though. He does good stuff too. And he has texted back.

Will report back later.

On phone and bfing DD so this will be short & badly written..

Can't talk to DH as we just keep being nasty. I think. I think he's being v sarcastic, then it turns out I misinterpreted him. Again. Am I going nuts here? He is hurt that I would think so poorly of him.

I keep crying and I think there must be something wrong with me to feel like this. It can't be good for the kids either. Feel like DD's going to catch fuck-up from me via breastmilk & I am massively failing DS.

jars do you think you might have Postnatal depression? You sound awfully down and slightly paranoid which reminds me so much of my bad days. Could you see your HV and ask her for a questionnaire? That will be revealing.
Don't blame yourself. Lack of sleep is a dreadful torment!

I also have new baby and toddler and also had a HUGE row today. So upset. I've said some horrible things, some I meant, most I didn't. He totally goaded me into it and I took the bait as usual it seems.

He's now also upset and refusing to even talk and the whole thing is making me question my mental state and then get angry at him; I bet he never questions his mental state ffs!

Your children are fine and they are going to remain fine btw. You sound far more together than I am.

Sorry OP, I hope you don't think I'm muscling in on your thread; I just wanted you to know you are not alone and the similarities are uncanny (except I'm not moving house). Not sure that's the right word, must sleep.

Give yourself a break and remember that most men do not have a clue when it comes to birth/first few months (how could they I suppose?). I'm hoping that this phase will pass with us but I'm not so sure.

You had a baby just a few weeks ago and your hormones will be all over the place. On top of that you have got severe sleep deprivation... And that's just for starters.

It's not for nothing that some places use sleep deprivation as a method of torture. It can do all sorts of horrible things to you at the best of times let alone when your body is stressed and sorting itself out after the upheaval of pregnancy and birth.

Explain to your partner that you are not feeling yourself at the moment, that hormones, tiredness etc are making you more irritable and depressed than you realised and that he could really help by not winding you up or getting into these sorts of conversations with you as you are so tired you end up in them without really realising. And that you need his help - so that if you or he realises this is happening then you need to be able to say something - or he say something - that means that you both realise what is happening and can backtrack out of the argument without anyone taking any offence or winning or losing... So for example either one of you saying 'sounds like sleep deprivation kicking in' will be enough to make you stop, hug and do and do something different like you have half an hour nap or a cup of tea or whatever while he looks after both kids or makes supper or whatever.

I don't think YABU but I think you both need to find a way to just let go of these things at the moment (easier said than done I know!)

You sound so upset, and you are so hard on yourself, and you really shouldn't be. It is totally normal to be so busy with a 7 week old you don't get around to the housework. It is completely normal to need to bring your toddler to Tesco because you couldn't squeeze it in during nursery hours.

Would you consider talking to your GP about how you feel? You are being so unnecessarily tough on yourself.

Please talk to a midwife/ health visitor or GP about how you feel. If possible talk to a good friend or relative who can talk to your DH too.
He may or may not be abusive (depends on if its deliberate), but he is certainly being unhelpful. You are sleep deprived and hormonal and doing a lot (just feeding the baby is a lot); he is not being helpful. However it might be easier if someone else has a quiet word with him. How was he after the birth of your first child?

Don't blame yourself for everything, guilt doesn't make anything easier/better. All you can do is your best. Try online shopping, and make sure you have lots of store cupboard ingredients. Fill your freezer, and do eat easy and quick to prepare food (ready meals are ideal for this time). Take it easy on yourself, and do ask for help.

Give yourself a break, the DC are fine, you're just going through a stressful time. Was in similar situation a couple of years ago, although my DH was OK (much better than after Dc1)

If you have the money, pay the movers to do the packing, it often doesn't cost much more. Cut corners with cooking etc, rest if you can. See if you can get some temporary help with the cleaning, or agree to share it with Dh at the weekends, in the week two DC and cooking (for them, not DH!) is enough. Split admin to do with the move between you. could you get an extension for the MA assignments given the circumstances?

Hope your DH pulls his weight domestically and with the Dc, and helping you find time to complete the MA assignments if not then anger is unsurprising!

Hi all,

Thank you so much for your lovely messages. I feel much less like a bag of shite this morning and have managed to get the kids sorted & DS to nursery without a houseful of shouting. I'm now waiting in for the online shop and then I'm going to have lunch and take DD up to the attic for some sorting and packing/breastfeeding.

Pebble, are you sure you're not me? Hope you're feeling better soon and managing to get through today.

Mummytime has hit it on the head: he is definitely being unhelpful rather than abusive. We had a long chat last night where I told him I felt like my head was falling apart and I feel like shit and he asked what I wanted him to do (e.g. practical solutions not tea and sympathy) and mentioned self pity. . So I killed and ate him. Was that wrong?

I also told him that I don't know what I need apart from sympathy and cuddles and not to be talked to like a four year old. We discussed the fact that I think he thinks less of me when I'm on mat leave and he denied this. However, he agreed that if he says things that make me think he's looking down on me to pull him up on it rather than brood on it. Basically, I feel got at and he isn't aware that he's getting at me, so I need to police it. Hmm. Still not a perfect solution.

Re post natal depression, I don't think so. Certainly not seriously, and even if it was I live in a deprived area so resources go to the seriosly discombobulated, not middle class whiners. I have nothing to get sad about, in real terms.

Right, baby exploding, must dash. Thank you all again, I feel.less alone.

Is it okay to feed everyone crap two days in a row? I can't be arsed making nutritious food again today and promise to use vegetables tomorrow. I can do fish fingers, chips and beans, with broccoli on the side at a push.

And DD has finally fallen asleep for the first time in hours, bless her, just after filling her nappy. Do I need to wake her up or can I change her when she wakes up? She is in her boingy chair so can't really do a sleep change.

Okay, I've decided that I am probably going to contact the HV or GP if I feel rubbish more days than I feel okay in the next week. I'm not calling them for a bad day because they've got more serious things to deal with, and because I don't want my card marking for a wibble.

OP, I grew up on crispy pancakes/chicken kiev/other breadcrumbed product and chips and beans. My mum may have occasionally provided a bolognese, a curry or mince and tatties, but essentially our freezer was stacked high with things of a breadycrumby nature.

I don't even think fish fingers are THAT crap, really. I mean, they have fish in them. Beans count as fruit and veg, I think cos of the tomato sauce. Shove an apple or whatever at them for pudding.

It is FINE. There are kids out there eating nothing but that night after night, and guess what? They're fine too.

Give yourself a break, woman!

It's completely OK to feed everyone crap for a few days. And I doubt it's crap anyway. Fish fingers is very, very fine. Add broccoli and you've hit the five gold stars.

Your new baby is 7 weeks old.

You sound exhausted. You need support. In an ideal world, that support would come from your family, friends and partner. Sadly, they are probably all too busy. There is probably just a great big hole where that help should be, which means that you - the one needing the support - end up trying to fill it. And you can't.

The support that is supplied by outside agencies is not - or it shouldn't be - just for the seriously discombobulated: it's for people like you. you need to realise this is not just "middle class whining". The position you're in is that you need a bit of help and there's no-one around you to give it to you. That help can be as simple as someone popping round every so often just to chat and show that they remember you exist.

You also need sleep. Absence of sleep can drive anyone off balance.

A really good H.V. will see you regularly, and advise you to cook fish fingers. She'll cheer you up and keep an eye on you. It's no substitute for having actual help with the day to day work, but it will go some way to bolstering you.

You'll note that I haven't mentioned your relationship with your husband at all. I do wonder if he's a bit ... in denial ... about the increased level of work a new child brings. the darker truth might be that he knows, but doesn't want to do more himself. Maybe he already feels a bit close to the edge himself. Maybe he's a bit lazy. Maybe he doesn't know. Maybe he is genuinely a bit alarmed that you seem so cross a lot of the time. Maybe he's trying to shut you up.

I don't know any of the answers to these questions. Any, all, and more are possible. But I do think that if you grab any help going to look after yourself a bit, you will be getting towards a better place to anser these things yourself.

I don't think you're mad. I think it's hard, really hard, and society, not just your husband, has a vested interest in down-playing how hard it is. So all I can do is tell you that you are struggling, legitimately. It will get better, but many, many of us find the load quite hard.

(I moved while dealing with a little one and studying. It was horrendous, and it took a long, long time for me to get back to a steady place.)