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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not sure if I have anger issues or if DH is being weird.

33 replies

openerofjars · 19/07/2012 14:59

How can you tell if someone is having anger management problems or if they are responding normally to an unreasonable situation? DH has told me a couple of times that I am horrible and always angry. I'm not sure I agree with this but I do feel irritable a fair bit of the time. We had a massive row this morning which started out as a discussion about something different, and when i tried to put my point of view across he said I was being angry and irrational, which I admit did make me cross. I'm not proud of the fact that I called him an angry little man. I have texted him to say sorry but he has not responded.

I feel that I'm not angry all the time but that I am tired (DD is 7 weeks old) and stressed (we are moving house very soon and I have assignments to do for my MA) and occasionally it all gets a bit daunting. I don't feel that I am mentally ill, but then I would say that even if I was, wouldn't I? I also feel as if he has lost respect for me since he went back to work after paternity leave, e.g. doesn't take me seriously, ignores me when I'm talking, talks over me. But that is just how it feels to me, and it's not like this all the time. He is very considerate at other times and e.g. gives DD her late feed so I can get some sleep.

So how do I know if it's him or me being unreasonable?

OP posts:
mummytime · 20/07/2012 14:03

Baked Beans are very very good food, high in fibre, and both Beans and the Tomato sauce are quite good for you (the low sugar ones are a bit better, but...).
Everyone (pretty much) who grew up in the 70s ate rubbish, a lot, and we all survived, most of us pretty healthily.
A few weeks of easy food isn't going to harm anyone. Especially if you can have fruit available for snacking too.

openerofjars · 20/07/2012 14:04

I would have support, honestly, from family, but they think I'm fine because that is what I am telling them. I think I am quite good at looking like I'm coping. If I don't cope they will all think I am useless, plus I have a great life (good job, gorgeous and healthy DC, nearly a new house) and anyway, they have their own lives. I don't want them to pity me or to think I'm crap.

My mum however is round every week to have DS for a day, which is great, but she is quite intense (in a well-meaning way) and I am always a bit knackered when she has gone! The 1-1 time is great for DS, and she brings dinner etc, which is a great help, but she somehow manages to create more washing up than I would have thought possible and she never stops talking (doesn't know the meaning of down time herself and always has to be busy: probably makes jam in her sleep). I am an ungrateful cow and it's probably good to be made to talk to other people but she is the only person I see apart from DH and therefore they are driving me nuts and I never get an adult conversation with either of them, anyway. When I do get to talk to another adult I talk rubbish because I'm so tired and after 7 weeks I feel a bit institutionalised and probably tell them about poo or sick or something. I probably talk to them about dinosaurs or bloody Thomas the Tank Engine, mayherotinhell.

DH asked why I don't meet up with friends but how can I tell him that I've lost contact with my child free friends (who have jobs anyway) and that meeting up with friends with DC is basically like being at playgroup with my own DC plus a few more, because I don't get to see my friends but their dc, iyswim? When we meet with another mum what we do is look after children and exchange half sentences with each other, punctuated with "put it down!", "give it back!", "ooh, that's a nice dinosaur", "rub it better" and "Right! I'm going to count to three!". DH's social circle is other men, all of whom are child free and half of whom are single, so when he meets up with them he gets a break from family life and therfore he doesn't understand that if I want to see my friends, I either see them with all our DC in tow or we fail to schedule child-free time because no one has any time in common when they can get a baby sitter (DH will have my kids but some of my friends are single mums so need official baby sitters).

Okay, DD is waking up. I have had lunch, she has had a feed and slept. I have taken a letter to the solicitors like I needed to, for the move. I am going to change and cuddle DD and then take her upstairs with me and try and do some book sorting or something.

We are going to see the new house again in a few hours, hooray!

OP posts:
openerofjars · 20/07/2012 14:05

That should read "DH will have our kids". [freudian]

OP posts:
creativepebble · 20/07/2012 19:57

Opener, yes, I may well be you! Even down to seeming to others like I'm coping so well and the intense mother. Incidently, I emailed dh last night (seperate rooms) and today we agreed it was a new day, and yay, he even emptied the bin...
The down time you described of your dh's being so different from 'ours' is so true. Mother and baby/toddler groups filled me with fear and dread, but I made myself go to a few for dc1 and once I passed by those who have clearly nothing in common with me, I met some like-minded ladies who have had professions like me and have provided good company where kids are not the topic of conversation. And if we talk crap and look gormless as we're so tired, all well and good as we're all in the same boat.

This is but a phase.

I SOOOOOOooooo wish I had a new house to look forward to. I do hope you have budgeted for packers as well as removal people. You have enough to do without taking individual books off shelves and wrapping little glass things up.

"mentioned self pity. . So I killed and ate him. Was that wrong?" Grin

openerofjars · 23/07/2012 21:43

It's depression. I've had it before and I can never spot when I'm heading downwards. As soon as I recognise it, I'm usually able to work around it, ask for help and cut myself a bit of slack on bad days. But until I work out what's going on I'm just in a state and don't know why. I don't get it really badly and I'm not a danger to myself or the kids: I'm just not very well for a bit right now.

So Sad that the black dog is back but a watery Smile for having recognised it. This thread realy, really helped with that: thank you so much. Thursday was bad, Friday was okay, Saturday was great, Sunday was awful, today was great. I need to take it easy for a bit and do what I can do and stop beating myself up when I can't do more.

I hate hate hate that feeling of my head coming undone when I'm not well!

I'm not going to phone the HV or GP: I don't need or want ADs (been there, done that) and I don't need a talking therapy either as I can articulate it fine and have good support from friends and family. What I need is time and because I am on mat leave I have it.

The only other thing I thought of is that I started on Cerazette a month ago, and it's implicated in depressive feelings in a lot of prople, but surely any side effects would have kicked in before now?

Again, thank you for your support.

pebble how are you doing? How's your week starting?

OP posts:
creativepebble · 23/07/2012 23:16

Hi Opener. Pleased that you reached a conclusion, even if it is a bit of a bitch. I think I'm in denial still.

The sun has really helped with stuff and I've had a good few days but tonight the dull, sad ache with no foundation kicked in from nowhere. Very odd. I don't know why I feel it.

I do know that I feel guilty as I've had a few cigarettes over the past few evenings when the kids are asleep. I'm sill bfing and gave up as soon as I found out I was pregnant so it's stupid and there are no valid excuses other than the fact that I felt I needed to do something for me (or the 'old' me). Total bollocks of course and I know better and I hate myself right now.
Anyway. Tomorrow is another day.
Thanks jars.

openerofjars · 24/07/2012 11:51

Oh, I think I would kill for a cig right now!

Are you absolutely sure that you're not me?

OP posts:
creativepebble · 24/07/2012 23:09

Well I don't think I'm moving house...!? But then maybe I'm in denial about that too, or dh just hasn't communicated it to me yet.

Smile
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