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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what percentage of men come back?

53 replies

loganberry12 · 19/07/2012 12:04

Do men who leave their wife and kids usually want to come back k in time or after 5 months is it over?

OP posts:

AnAirOfHope · 19/07/2012 12:07

I think it takes two year for the honeymoon period to finish before they relise what they have lost! Just imo.

Kaluki · 19/07/2012 12:11

In my experience by the time they realise what dicks they have been their wives have become ex wives and moved on to pastures new.
I think if he hasn't come back in 5 months he isn't going to

MadAboutHotChoc · 19/07/2012 12:12

It depends.

All I can say is that being clingy, pleading, begging and being available never works and there is only one thing that could work.

I know this must goes against the grain but you need to tell him that your relationship is over, he has lost you etc.

You then need to detach.

This is because cheaters are more likely to be motivated by loss - if he is having to work really hard to win you back, then he won't want to risk losing you again.

I hope you are getting legal advice and getting real life support.

Original poster

loganberry12 · 19/07/2012 12:13

Its just I've read so many threads on mn and they all seem to follow the same pattern. once the wife has given up and moved on they want to come back and a pattern of about 6 months

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Original poster

loganberry12 · 19/07/2012 12:16

Yes madabout legal advice and plenty of rl support

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Lueji · 19/07/2012 12:17

I assume it's your OH who left.

Honestly, would you want him back?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 19/07/2012 12:18

I dont really know the answer to your question. But I would say dont wait for him.

Throw yourself into life. Do things for you. I know thats hard but you need to prepare for the fact its really over for good.

And if he wants to come back on down the line and by that time you still want him, then thats a bonus.

Original poster

loganberry12 · 19/07/2012 12:18

Part of me wants him back but part of me doesn't important confused i still love him but am angry and hurt too

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MadAboutHotChoc · 19/07/2012 12:21

logan - I have read that too and its probably true for many posters on here. The sooner they are forced to face reality, the more likely they will want to come back. This is why many people advise you to let them go.

So glad you are getting plenty of RL support as I remember how devastated you were.

LineRunner · 19/07/2012 12:22

When mine left I was devasted - devasted to have been shat on, left with two little children, with no plan, no support, no warning, just a sea of fractured beliefs and lies - but I wouldn't have had him back in a million years.

It takes a special kind of shit to inflict that much pain and damage on 'loved ones'.

I pity the latest woman he's shacked up with. (The first one lasted for the stereotypical two years.)

Original poster

loganberry12 · 19/07/2012 12:24

I was devastated yes but i don't cry anymore important still obsessed with him though and think about him constantly. he comes to collect our daughter 3 times a week and its hard to be cool but important trying.

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Original poster

loganberry12 · 19/07/2012 12:26

Ment im. lol not important , predicted text on mobile sorry

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LineRunner · 19/07/2012 12:28

Bless you for not correcting my bizarre mis-spelling of 'devastated'!

I think the child pick-ups are awful when emotions are still raw. I was glad when mine were old enough to let themselves out of the house so I didn't have to see or speak to him.

So sorry you are going through this, loganberry.

MadAboutHotChoc · 19/07/2012 12:29

Yes faking it til you make it is best - pretend to be cool and detached when you see him.

It must be so hard and this is why I think focusing on yourself, reconnecting with friends, investing time in hobbies/interests and indulging yourself with new clothes, haircuts etc will help.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2012 12:30

It's tough to get someone out of your system when they're hanging around like a bad smell. Best solution is to make a clean break and reduce contact to as little as possible. Then make a special effort to get out of old habits and build up a new life & absorbing acitivies that are as different as possible to the one you had together. I don't think percentages are really relevant. Time and distance heals.

Original poster

loganberry12 · 19/07/2012 13:36

Just wish i was two years on so id feel happier

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BigBandwitch · 19/07/2012 13:42

I think Kaluki is right. He might, might one day realise that married life wasn't so bad afterall but by then you'll have moved on. I feel for you. I wish I could press fastforward for you.

I agree with Cogito. Very hard to begin the healing process if the person you're trying to get over/recover from/detach from/forget the madness is letting himself into your kitchen twice a week.

3 times a week is too often. I would push for longer periods of time but fewer visits. You just can't go on like that, seeing him every second day! That is torture. You may feel now that you don't want to hand her over but there will come a time when you're dying to have the time to yourself and it'll make it easier to rebuild your own life if you have a set day (or two free). It sounds like he's just dropping in every five minutes to see her as and when it pleases him. Very convenient for him, but it shows absolutely no sensitivity and no consideration to/for you.

LineRunner · 19/07/2012 13:45

loganberry it really does get better. And those days will come sooner than you think.

If the picking up and dropping off of your DC is too emotional for you, you can think through some other options, but maybe first decide what you want the boundaries to be and ask your Ex to please stick to them. For example, it took me years to realise I actually hated my Ex and his dimwitted gf coming into my home (and looking around like they were insurance surveyors or something).

BigBandwitch · 19/07/2012 13:59

yes, don't apologise for having some boundaries now. Don't be made feel that you are the insensitive one because you won't let him traipse through your house three times a we ek. Sometimes this can happen. After I left my ex (because he was abusive) I was made to feel that I was the cold-hearted insensitive one for not seeing everything from his perspective [i]first[/i]. They get used to you considering their feelings before your own sometimes.

Original poster

loganberry12 · 19/07/2012 13:59

He doesn't come in the house collects her from the front door. He has her for 2 hours on a Tuesday and Thursday evening and about 4 hours on a Sunday which i don't think is too much nice for her but sad for me although im starting to enjoy the free time. we only talk briefly about our daughter nothing else now.

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BigBandwitch · 19/07/2012 14:01

Logan, you need to toughen up. two hours here? two hours there. All that does is dominate your entire week. YOUR entire week revolves around being there three times a week to accommodate him. Your daughter will fare JUST as well if these three visits are condensed into two.

Good for you that you can enjoy the free time.

mama2moo · 19/07/2012 14:02

Exdp and I are 'trying again'. We have 2 children and it took us 5 months to figure out what that we were happier together then apart!

Original poster

loganberry12 · 19/07/2012 14:21

Mama im pleased for you hope it works out. bigband im ok with the times as he collects her as soon as he finishes work and brings her home her bed time so couldn't have her longer in the week but would like him to have her all day on a Sunday but he says he can't cos he lives in a flat attached to his work and there's nothing foe her to do. he works at a care home and she wants to run around there and he's got in trouble for it!!

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BigBandwitch · 19/07/2012 14:25

ok, i hear you, but you are seeing everything from his pov there. how it affects him, suits him, works for him.

Just pointing that OUT to you cos it can take a while for that perspective to shift. You are in the habit of putting his needs first or equal to your own. I'm just going to remind you that the perspective of your feelings in this IS relevant. It is not something that should be dismissed automatically; that it is VERY HARD FOR YOU TO SEE HIM THREE TIMES A WEEK!!!! that is not 'nothing' to be considered, ykwim? If it hurts you and is holding it back, don't just put that aside for his convenience.

LineRunner · 19/07/2012 14:27

loagnberry I'd be careful about setting a precedent where your Ex gets away with not 'being able' to have his DC because of work. My Ex did this to me for 10 years.

But I was expected to work and have both our DCs in my care all of the time.

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