Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I am not sure if there is a future for my marriage.

41 replies

PinkElephant73 · 19/07/2012 10:13

Winning the argument is more important to my husband than whether he is right, or the impact he has on me. We had a terrible row yesterday about a decision he made to pay for an expensive meal with a colleague when we are short of money. He was adamant that I was being unreasonable and treating him like a child. He then went on to say that I am negative and difficult to live with and that I shout at the kids a lot. I do admit that I can be resentful and angry sometimes, (although he says I am like this much of the time), as I feel like too much responsibility in the relationship falls on my shoulders. Over the years I have taken on more and more tasks, as he doesn?t get round to things (leaving bills unpaid/car unserviced/grass not cut/jobs not done around house). He is pre-occupied with his own hobbies and interests and recently has spent a lot of time away from home, leaving me to look after the children on my own or with help from my family. When he is with us, he often doesn?t seem present anyway as he is using his laptop or phone constantly.

Anyway, once he had got me to admit that I am at fault too in this, he had a complete change of heart and said that he felt terrible about the meal and that it had been a stupid mistake. I believe him, but I am very upset that he has caused me so much pain and distress by getting into a huge argument when he knew that he was in the wrong. This (not admitting he is in the wrong) has happened time and again in our relationship (18 years and 3 children). We have tried so many time to break the cycle of me doing everything/getting angry about it, and to be fair in the last few months he has started doing a bit more but I am just not sure if its too little too late. We have I think agreed to see how things go over the summer, and he will take on a couple of extra household ?jobs? but I feel so emotionally bruised this morning I just don?t know if its worth it.

OP posts:

Jemma1111 · 19/07/2012 10:30

Seems like he sees you only as his skivvy , and by him spending lots of time away and when he's at home he's either on his laptop or phone is making me suspicious about the possibilty he has someone else in his life , hope I'm wrong

Jemma1111 · 19/07/2012 11:16

izzyizin · 19/07/2012 11:35

He's going to take over 'a couple of extra household jobs'? How exceedingly noble of him

I suggest that you book yourself a holiday and leave him in sole charge of the home and dc with strict instructions to your family to only step in should he appear to be totally losing the plot.

2-3 weeks should be sufficient for you to return refreshed, relaxed, and ready to observe whether this exercise in role reversal has done anything to address the obvious imbalances in your relationship.

I also suggest you ask yourself 'what is the point of him'? and ponder whether having one less man-sized dc to skivvy care for will alleviate your anger and resentment and lead to you becoming a less shouty mum to the dc you've given birth to.

mcmooncup · 19/07/2012 11:40

at "What is the point of him?"

Says it all really

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2012 11:49

'My marriage' rather than 'our marriage' is also revealing. He's sort of a peripheral figure by the sound of it and that's probably why he's so irritable. To live as part of a family you have to be a team player which means pulling your weight, learning to compromise, putting others first occasionally. Selfish or antisocial stunts like disappearing with a lap-top or spending family money because you're too insecure to say 'we can't afford it' are not the actions of a team member.

Original poster

PinkElephant73 · 19/07/2012 12:23

I would just like to know if anyone has been in this situation and turned it around. At the moment the options seem like

a. continue to bang head against wall

b. divorce

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2012 12:33

I'm sure plenty of people have turned it around but they won't have done it solo. Nothing you can do or say in isolation is going to change matters, it's a two-man job. If he's behaved this way for 18 years despite repeated requests/promises to behave differently it's something of a vain hope that he's going to ditch such an ingrained bad habit any time soon.

izzyizin · 19/07/2012 12:39

You're not going to be able to turn anything in your marriage round if your h is not for turning.

Instead of going the way of the Oozlum bird, put the onus on him to choose one of 2 options, namely, shape up or ship out - and mean it.

MissFaversam · 19/07/2012 12:46

Jesus Christ another self absorbed sexist pig

He won't change OP whilst you're still "doing" everything. It's shit or bust here really isn't it?

NimpyWindowMash · 19/07/2012 12:48

I'm not sure if I agree with that Cogito. It's difficult, but it may be possible to change things, even if he doesn't want to. The couple or family unit is a system and one person's behaviour affects another person's behaviour. So if one person always picks up the other's damp towels or always cuts the grass then the other will learn to not do so. So you can focus on changing the things you do control and hope that the change permeates.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2012 12:56

Leading by example rarely permeates with this kind of person. Stop picking up their wet towels and all you end up with is a really, really big pile of wet towels. :)

izzyizin · 19/07/2012 13:50

And very long grass...

Original poster

PinkElephant73 · 29/08/2012 11:49

Izzy very long grass is exactly what we do have!

Hello again ladies and thank you for all your advice and support. I thought I would post a little update as we have made some progress over the summer. Its good therapy for me to try and sort out my thoughts.

We had another big talk and he admitted that his tendency to try and win the argument at all costs is not a good thing. He has not done it again since, so far.

I have taken some advice from my earlier thread on AIBU and came to realise that money has a very strong link to power in relationships. We have now re-organised our finances so that we have equal and separate spending money. I hope that this is a concrete change which will signal that things are now going to be different.

Nimpy I am trying to focus on what I can control as you suggest. I think I had basically given up on DH so had withdrawn from the relationship and also given up on him contributing to family life.

We still have a long and probably painful way to go. He will do things but grumbles about it.

I have gone to work today and he is at home with kids (school holidays). Normally on a day like this I would get home and then cook dinner as he would have done nothing about it. So earlier in the week I suggested earlier in the week that he and the kids might like to cook something new for tea today - he was not keen (although they were).
So this morning I asked him to cook a simple tea tonight - just heating some ready made pasta and sauce. Got a sour response but will see what he does.

To be honest this is more like child-rearing than dealing with another adult and he has very sensitive radar for being patronised so will become spiky and defensive very easily. In the past when Ive tried to talk to him about jobs that need doing, he has made it clear that he is not interested in discussing it and closed down the conversation. Just typing this out is making me realise that Ive allowed him to disengage from this stuff by backing off to avoid a confrontation. I think I need to start treating him like a difficult colleague or customer - but really should it come to this with your life partner? Thats whats worrying to me.

OP posts:

MyLittleMiracles · 29/08/2012 11:56

I am glad you are working at things, its not easy when you give up on a marriage, i sort of still regret giving up on mine but i had no other option.

I hope it works out for you. ((((hugs))))

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/08/2012 12:00

"should it come to this with your life partner?"

You really need to ask? If the only way the relationship functions is for you to manage everything from suggesting he might like to make supper to making allowances for his 'sensitive radar', only you can decide if that's worth it. For me, if I'm in a relationship with an adult I expect them to behave like one, think for themselves, step up to the plate unbidden and occasionally spontaneously come up with something that make my life a little bit lovelier.

OhGood · 29/08/2012 12:11

pink good for you and for your DH. You should be really proud of yourselves (really sorry! that sounds like I am your primary school teacher! but I think you deserve the kudos and these gold stars). It's bloody hard work sorting out all the behaviours that constitute a marriage - constant negotiation - and it's so good to hear something positive.

I totally see what you mean about dealing with DH as a difficult customer, and should it really come to that when we are all adults. I have asked myself the same questions when I try and find strategies to get my DH to share work more equally, or do things without me having to treat him like a child (what he would call nagging.) On the other hand I am aware that I can be bratty, difficult, resentful and negative, and DH deals pretty well with me when I am like that, so he is holding up his side of the bargain in that way.

I think some of this stuff just is behaviour, learned habits - like DH chucking his clothes all over the bedroom floor every night, I mean MY GOD - but when I was stopping smoking, one of the stats I held onto was that you can change behaviour - takes about three months of doing something new to learn a new pattern. And I try to remember know that DH is not deliberately winding me up or intentionally treating me like a skivvy when he does the clothes thing - he is just totally unthinking (OK that's annoying enough) but it's habit.

Hope you get back to an amazing dinner tonight, or at least pasta and sauce.

OhGood · 29/08/2012 12:12

I definitely crossed out the gold stars

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/08/2012 12:27

How is it 'positive' OhGood that she had to 'suggest' to him several days in advance to make supper and got a 'sour response'? That's the behaviour of a spoilt brat, not a grown man...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/08/2012 12:30

(Too many quote marks there... apologies)

OhGood · 29/08/2012 12:33

It's positive that they have made some progress over the summer. It's positive that they are trying to sort it out.

amillionyears · 29/08/2012 12:36

Glad that you are making progress in your marriage,well done.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/08/2012 12:40

The only progress I can see is that the OP is finally realising he's not worth the bother. The OP describes it as raising another child rather than being in a relationship with a grown man and they're quite right. Treading around him on eggshells, worried about upsetting him, avoiding asking him to contribute the normal things adults bring to a relationship (like cooking a meal) because he'll see it as patronising and go off on one of his grumpy sulks.

amillionyears · 29/08/2012 13:07

The DH has changed his behaviour in 2 or more ways,so he is trying.The op is aware they have a long way to go.

Cogito,marriages can sometimes change for the better,if both sides are prepared to work at it.

ChitchatAtHome · 29/08/2012 13:33

It can be positive, dependent on how this goes forward. Sourness this time, maybe slightly grudging next time, maybe proactively choosing a meal in the future. If it continues to get better, that's positive. If you have to keep playing the same game, over and over again to get ANYTHING at all, then no, it's not positive.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/08/2012 13:36

"Cogito,marriages can sometimes change for the better,if both sides are prepared to work at it. "

Quite... but this man doesn't appear to be working at it. Doesn't sound enthuisastic or cheerful about this new opportunity. Doesn't appear to be taking the initiative on the one hand or happy to accept instructions on the other. Prefers to clam up rather than communicate. 'Long way to go' is right when one person is making all the effort and the other has done jack shit.

Flip

1 2