Shattered by fall out with friend.

[Redwhine]

I am reeling from a phone call last night from my friend. We have not seen much of each other since my youngest child was born. She has been TTC for several years and I knew she found my pregnancy hard. She has not been to see the baby, which upset me but I tried to understand how hard it must be.

The phone call was out of the blue and she told me how insensitive I had been whilst pregnant, how much I complained about feeling sick and being ill (I was actually hospitalised several times with various complications) and how I never asked about her. She then said after the baby was born I was always talking about the children and moaning about being tired. At the time she said she wanted me to talk normally to her and not to self censure but obviously I was wrong to accept this. I honestly tried not to complain and moan to her at all, but looking back at some emails I did say how sick I was or how I hadn't slept much the night before.

I was horrified by how angry and unhappy she was. I apologised immediately and said how terrible I felt but she pointed out I was being self involved again and making it all about me. I was left not knowing what to say. What can I do? Is our friendship salvageable?

I think I really agree with AThingInYourLife, and a lot of others. (I chose AThing because her post summed up things quite neatly).

I really feel for your friend but I had a strange thought as I read your thread: This is kind of like what bullying is, isn't it?

We're told that kids bully other kids because of some lack in the bully, and they pick on a vulnerable kid, and they have an opportunity to continue bullying that other kid, often with the support of others.

It hit me that that's what's going on here. Your friend is in a grim place, she;s making herself feel better by hitting out at you. She's doing that by hitting you where it hurts: your care for her; your feeling of friendship with her. She's able to do it because you care for her. And the fact that another friend has 'phoned you up to tell you is a bit ... . It means she's actually getting other people, mutual friends, on board.

It kind of doesn't look like bullying - but then, even in schools, it often doesn't, unless there is actual bruising - because your friend's pain is real, and what she's doing seems quite reasonable. But the pain you are now feeling is very real.

Who deals with their own pain by making sure someone else, especially a friend, is forced down into the pain? Kids, really. And adults who still have some figuring out of life to do. And people who enjoy that kind of thing. And people who are in a lot of emotional pain and not thinking rationally, I guess.

I am so sorry about your friendship. And I feel for your friend. I hope that she learns to accept that life sometimes does not follow our plans, and we have to relinquish some of our wishes. And that, even so, it is still a wonderful thing to live. I hope she learns that destruction of others is not the best way to deal with our own losses. But I also feel that you might permit yourself a small acknowledgment that she is perhaps not the best friend you ever had or might have.

Redwhine my feeling is that any friend who would "drop" you like this, out of the blue, after first ringing you to share your list of "crimes", and then indirectly letting you know that you are no longer friends, is probably not worth having. Life is too short. Let her go and don't beat yourself up.

And how she could think you had it all when you didn't know whether your baby would survive is simply on another planet.

You are both in such different places right now, and as a person suffering many years of infertility who now has been lucky enough to have two children I can sympathise with both of you. I think that you are going to have the let the friendship go for now. Hopefully she will eventually be able to have children and you can become close again.

When I was going through a bad time I was absolutely poisonous to my poor father who was just trying to help. I felt bad about it afterwards.

She is hurting - not a bully or a bad person. Just let her know you are there for her and see how things go. I bet she feels terrible about the things she said.

I really don't think you should be beating yourself up but I get why you are shattered as losing a friend can be as heart wrenching as a break up of a relationship. Th fact that she did it through a friend, makes it doubly hard.

I agree with other that your friend is hitting out at you because she can, by making you feel that you have contributed to her feelings about TTc then she feels she can salve the wounds somewhat. A sort of 'I am in pain, look what you have, yet you moan, you should feel some of my pain so here goes....'
There is an old saying that a friend in need is a friend indeed, which is true, you should be there for your friends when they need you but they should also be there to celebrate life's successes.

I can see it from both sides, kind of. I've lost both my parents and find it hard when my friends moan about theirs as they do it on a trivial level. I think you also have to distinguish between moaning or a statement of fact. Saying you are tired, or ill is not moaning, its just saying you are tired.
Wondering if your baby is alive is seeking a shoulder and solace and you should be able to do that without having it thrown back at you.

When I got pregnant, and I knew it would be met with some envy by those same friends. I deliberately played it down, did not go on about it. When Dd was born, the same, did not do baby talk with them. In fact, having no other support other then DP, I needed those friends, as although they were good times but hard too.

I agree you need to take a step back from the friendship. Some friends are for life, some for a reason, some for her season. Maybe your season with her is over, for now anyway.