Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Shattered by fall out with friend.

56 replies

Redwhine · 19/07/2012 08:22

I am reeling from a phone call last night from my friend. We have not seen much of each other since my youngest child was born. She has been TTC for several years and I knew she found my pregnancy hard. She has not been to see the baby, which upset me but I tried to understand how hard it must be.

The phone call was out of the blue and she told me how insensitive I had been whilst pregnant, how much I complained about feeling sick and being ill (I was actually hospitalised several times with various complications) and how I never asked about her. She then said after the baby was born I was always talking about the children and moaning about being tired. At the time she said she wanted me to talk normally to her and not to self censure but obviously I was wrong to accept this. I honestly tried not to complain and moan to her at all, but looking back at some emails I did say how sick I was or how I hadn't slept much the night before.

I was horrified by how angry and unhappy she was. I apologised immediately and said how terrible I felt but she pointed out I was being self involved again and making it all about me. I was left not knowing what to say. What can I do? Is our friendship salvageable?

OP posts:

oldwomaninashoe · 19/07/2012 10:02

I have a couple of friends who have been unable to have children, years on one of them told me about the gut wrenching pain she felt every time one of her circle announced a pregnancy, but the worst thing was when people complained about their chidren, she said the urge to punch them was overwhelming! (She is a loving generous even tempered person)

Think how much your children mean to you, you cannot imagine the pain she is feeling. It must have been so hard for her to be there for you when you were having your pregnancy difficulties.

She likes you enough and feels close enough to you to be honest about her feelings, please respect them.

Send her some flowers, with a message saying that you are there for her should she need you.

I'm sure your relationship will recover, neither of you are bad people but have just been a little thoughtless around each other

saintlyjimjams · 19/07/2012 11:40

Redwhine - she probably was the wrong person to lean on tbh. What I call the 'wrong audience'. Don't know, an analogy for me would be someone say terminating for trisomy 21. Their decision, nothing to do with me, and I would feel sorry for them they had to make that decision and had to go through a termination but if they tried to get emotional support from me I think I'd have to to tell them i wished them well but I was the wrong audience.

It does seem rather as though you have borne the brunt of her anger though which isn't fair.

AThingInYourLife · 19/07/2012 11:57

I'm not sure it is salvageable, or that when you get over your shock at her attack that you will want to salvage it.

I agree with the others that she has gone for you, and not other friends, not because you are so awful, but because she felt you were an easy target who would feel bad about what she said.

There is nothing to do here but pull back, see if she ever comes back to you, and see how you feel about her if she should.

To tell you not to self-censor and then attack you in this way for looking for her support when your baby nearly died is more selfishness than many people are happy to put up with in a friend.

Original poster

Redwhine · 19/07/2012 12:10

Update... She has contacted me through a friend to say she is sorry if she has upset me and that she may have been unfair in some of the things she said, but that she does not feel we can be friends any more, at least for the foreseeable future.

Very, very sad.

Thanks for all your advice and thoughts.

OP posts:

Rindercella · 19/07/2012 12:11

Red, your baby nearly died and you lent on your friend for support. Perhaps, in retrospect, she wasn't the best person to support you given her difficulties in TTC. But you considered her to be your best friend, and you turned to her when you needed her. That is what best friends tend to do, isn't it?

I agree with everything AThing has said. Please be kind to yourself. I cannot see that you have done anything wrong. I do absolutely understand that your friend is indeed grieving, but that should not be an excuse for her to use you as her punching bag.

Rindercella · 19/07/2012 12:12

Oh, x-post. I am sorry. I think it is probably more her loss than yours though.

Oogaballoo · 19/07/2012 12:17

I'm sorry, RedWhine. I think her accusations were unfair though, and I hope you don't spend too much time agonising over what you should or shouldn't have done. It's easy to do that now, but back then you were pregnant, then ill, in hospital and after that dealing with a newborn. That's a lot to deal with. This may have ended up happening no matter what.

Tiago · 19/07/2012 12:25

I also think her accusations were unfair. I have been in the position of having people around me getting pregnant and having babies all while I was having two miscarriages and failing miserably to have my own child. I really started to hate those people and resent their success - especially when they mentioned that they were not having a perfect time of it. BUT that was my problem, not theirs.

It's possible that being so close to you has meant that she resents your success more than for others (I certainly found it easier to deal with/not hate PG women who I barely knew).

Chandon · 19/07/2012 12:29

She did not have the generosity to be happy for you.

She is self centred.

It is mainly HER problem

EightiesOlympicGolds · 19/07/2012 12:34

Redwhine well, at least you have heard from her and know where you stand. It is very, very hard but you now have to move on and accept she is out of your life. As others have said, it may well be that given time, you would realise she is not a great fit for you as a friend anyway - I agree that you have probably borne the brunt of her anger because she knows you will take it IYSWIM. You will find better friends who can share in both the ups and the downs of life. Be nice to yourself now because you've done everything you can.

EightiesOlympicGolds · 19/07/2012 12:35

P.S. She has affectively said that she knows she has been unfair and unreasonable. Take that as absolution for whatever you've done.

claudedebussy · 19/07/2012 12:40

shame.

you should give her some space and maybe in the future she'll feel differently.

friendships are incredibly important and it's heartbreaking when you lose a friend. chalk it down to experience.

diddl · 19/07/2012 12:43

I think she was unfair also.

But it would seem that she can´t deal with you having a baby and has decided to stay away for the foreseeable future.

Perhaps it´s for the best?

pictish · 19/07/2012 12:45

Well, as much as I do sympathise with those that must endure the agony of not being able to have children watching everyone else around them seemingly gaily popping them out with no effort, I still think she is being very self centred, and making the OP responsible for her sadness.
I think that's a dreadful way to behave, and if I were OP I'd leave her to it.

CinnabarRed · 19/07/2012 12:47

FWIW, OP, I think you sound lovely.

AThingInYourLife · 19/07/2012 12:51

I'm sorry Redwhine :(

Dumping you via a friend was a really shitty thing to do.

saintlyjimjams · 19/07/2012 12:54

Oh well despite all my comments above I think she us being very unfair saying you can't be friends. I could understand her saying she needed time to come to terms with her own issues but saying you can't be friends is crazy abd immature.

Go and treat yourself in some way - even if it's just a magazine and cup of tea.

birdofthenorth · 19/07/2012 13:10

How sad of her to even consider throwing her friendship away- now she has no baby and one fewer friend

I do absolutely empathise with her though, I am lucky enough to have 1DD and 1 stepson but have had two miscarriages this year which have badly affected me. My best friend is pg, due not long after I would have been with my most recent pregnancy, & I love her & am truly very happy for them, but it is so hard not to feel jealous. When she said "I don't know we'll do if it's another boy" I did snap and say "be thankful you've got a baby at all?" I did feel bad about it afterwards though and will do my level best to keep my emotions in check in future as the last thing I want to do is alienate her or make her feel bad for having (I pray) a healthy pregnancy & healthy new arrival.

In your friend's defence, when you want a baby and can't seem to have one, it is very hard not to be utterly obsessed by it, and self-obsessed by consequence. She may also have hormones raging (especially if on fertility treatment of any kind).

If she realises how unfair she has been to you in future please try to forgive her and rebuild your friendship. She is so wrong to take it out on you but she has probably been to hell and back

Congrats on you lovely baby, do enjoy her without guilt- your joy should not make her sadness any deeper.

This has made me want to do something nice for pregnant bf today.

wellwisher · 19/07/2012 13:24

I think you are better off without a "friend" like this one. She sounds self-centred, whiny and bitter. How dare she ring you up and attack you for doing exactly what she told you to do?

I don't see why unsuccessfully TTC is treated as a special case and used so much as an excuse for unpleasant behaviour. We all have something to be sad about/things in our lives we would like to change, but that doesn't oblige others to hide their good fortune. If you can't be happy for others, you aren't much of a friend.

Proudnscary · 19/07/2012 13:25

I think it's six of one, half a dozen of another.

I do think it was insensitive of you to go on about your pregnancy (and you accept you went on about it more than you realised when you looked back at emails).

Obviously you were having a very difficult time too and needed/deserved support - but you looked for it in the wrong person.

I think it must be absolutely hellish to experience years of infertility and it's made her bitter, angry and half mad with grief. So I'm sure she used you as a punch bag - but I think you got it wrong.

I have a friend of 42 who watched all of us having children for 12-15 years when she was desperate to be a mother and I was always very wary of going on about pregnancy/the kids - yes it changed our relationship and meant there were things I didn't share with her, but I accepted that.

I would definitely send a card or flowers saying sorry again, then leave it up to her.

Original poster

Redwhine · 19/07/2012 13:25

All your kind words have really helped, especially those from people like birdofthenorth who can see things from my friends perspective. I am feeling less guilty and just sad, but also aware that I probably can't change anything now or make anything better.

Bird I don't think you should feel bad for snapping at your friend, I'm sure she understood and was mortified herself to have said something so thoughtless (sure I also said similar things at times....)

I am looking back and remembering things.... I didn't show her my scan picture for example because I didn't want to upset her, she then got really cross when she found out I had shown it to another friend.... It does make me feel like maybe I was always going to get it wrong no matter what I did.

Thank you cinnabar Red... And everyone else.

OP posts:

Original poster

Redwhine · 19/07/2012 13:27

Proud... I take your point but she has specifically asked me not to contact her for a while. I think I have to respect that.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 19/07/2012 13:58

I think she has a nerve, actually.

pictish · 19/07/2012 13:58

So do I imperial

Proudnscary · 19/07/2012 14:02

Yeo I agree Redwhine, you have to respect that. Sorry you are feeling shit about this. You are clearly a nice, thoughtful person - I just think you got it a bit wrong this time x

Flip

1 2 3