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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Caught him!

36 replies

MissyMessy · 19/07/2012 07:48

For a few months I'd wondered if my partner has been on Internet dating sites, as I'd gone on with a friend to see if her DP was, and seen a profile weirdly similar to his, and challenged him, he denied it. Something had changed, although we saw each other the same, and he was affectionate towards me, the sexual intimacy was different. He'f frequently been too tired for sex, and we'd had a few rows about it.

We've been seeing each other for 8 months, he's divorced, I'm separated. we both have DCs, mine are still young. We met online.

Last week, we fell out at bedtime, because he was too tired for sex, and he went to sleep on the couch. Then I checked the messages on his phone, there was a conversation from which looked suspect, he asked in it "so are you looking for a relationship?". I didn't read it all. I was stunned and ashamed of myself, knowing that checking messages probably said a lot about my trust in him etc. So, I challenged him. He denied any wrong doing, said it was a friend and he was telling him about me. I also asked him again if he was this character online. This time he conceded it was a friend, not him.

He actually said he was stunned as I'm the love of his life, he doesn't need or want another woman, and he's happy with me, sees us altogether as a family etc. Next week we are supposed to be going away for a weeks holiday together.

So last night, after feeing he wasn't being honest with me, I created a fake profile with the intent of luring him to chat. and he did. He wanted to exchange pictures and gave me his email, it was his!

This was at 130am, I wrote a letter to get my feelings out, but haven't challenged him yet. I'm relieved in a way that I wasn't going mad and my instincts were correct. But I'm sad that he lied. And he wanted us to live together. Anyho, I know I've done a bad thing, but what now?

OP posts:
IawnCont · 19/07/2012 07:51

Do you even have to ask? Dump him immediately.

CapuccinoCannoliLover · 19/07/2012 07:54

Get rid!

MangoHedgehog · 19/07/2012 07:55

Definitely game over. well done for working out what type of person he really is

Catsmamma · 19/07/2012 07:55

But what now??

stop blaming yourself for "doing a bad thing" and kick his arse six ways to Sunday and move the hell on

what a lying deceitful knob he is....do you really want to waste one more iota of yourself on him? Really???

Lizzabadger · 19/07/2012 08:04

You obviously have good instincts.

Obviously dump him immediately.

MissyMessy · 19/07/2012 08:06

Exactly, I'm just upset as He came along for me at the right time, and has supported me. I recently moved house, he took time off work and helped me. He said why would he do that if he didn't love me?
I think I know why, he was planning to move in!

I suppose I was seduced by his charm, won't have been the first! It was the fact he had the opportunity to come clean, then didn't but made excuses for the lack of sex. Making me feel horrible, and needy. Grasping for every crumb of affection.

Can I email him a photo of me, then say, Gottcha. Or is that childish? Lol

OP posts:
Frontline · 19/07/2012 08:08

You seem to be enjoying It

PedanticPanda · 19/07/2012 08:09

You've only been together 8 months, get rid before you're in too deep, he sounds like bad news!

PedanticPanda · 19/07/2012 08:11

No don't send him a picture or engage in anymore games, explain to him exactly why it's over and remain mature, you've caught him, no need to carry on.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 19/07/2012 08:12

Well, tes it is childish, but also understandable. If you do, can you cut/block/sever everything IMMEDIATELY? Because he will be back, trying to wheedle his way in again.
FFS get yourself checked for STIs, he has exposed you to enormous risks.
I'm so sorry.
Oh... And dump. PRONTO!

zookeeper · 19/07/2012 08:12

you have to dump him, if not for his infidelity then for his stupidity.

MissyMessy · 19/07/2012 08:13

I'm not enjoying it. It's a massive relief knowing I was right and not paranoid. I'm really upset, but 8 months isn't long. It was just the silly plans you make, wanting to be happy. I knew he wasn't the love of my life, but we seemed otherwise content together, good companions. I knew it wasn't enough.

What about the holiday, he was taking his kids, I was taking mine. Apparently it's the first time they'd been away for years. So I feel bad for his kids.

OP posts:
MissyMessy · 19/07/2012 08:17

I'm not going to email a pic, That would be silly. I know. I just feel a bit bad for setting a honey trap! But I guess I wouldn't have if I trusted him, I'm not a generally paranoid person!

OP posts:
Rindercella · 19/07/2012 08:18

Let him go on holiday with his kids without you.

Sorry you have found out he's an arse. But please, please just dump him and move on. Otherwise the next thing you know, he will have moved in with you and it'll all be so much harder.

Even without this, just being 'content' with someone after 8 months isn't really enough is it?

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 19/07/2012 08:20

Missy, they are his not yours. And it might only strengthen any bond they form for you. Which is ultimately pointless, no?
FFS it needs to stop. Cut him out of your life. Stop and look ay the behavior his actions is bringing you to. You're cyber snooping (understandably)... Stop it now. Tell him why and stop it all.

joblot · 19/07/2012 08:21

Yes let him go alone, ask him for some money back so you can go elsewhere last minute?

Thank god you found out what he's up to, well done you

MissyMessy · 19/07/2012 08:29

Well he hadn't paid anything anyway. He was going to pay for expenses whilst away. And it's the place I always go on holiday. I also gave him money for other things. He will say it was a gift.

OP posts:
Rindercella · 19/07/2012 08:32

Oooh, a very lucky escape from a cocklodger for you Missy.

Go on holiday with your kids, enjoy it. Use the time to get this bloke out of your mind. Any chance you can get a friend to go along with you as well? As for him and his kids? Well, they are his kids, he can find somewhere else to go on holiday.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2012 08:41

"He said why would he do that if he didn't love me?"

Most people are quite capable of being kind and friendly without that automatically meaning 'love'. My friend's DH helped me the other day with a wardrobe-shifting problem because I couldn't manage it solo. Your boyfriend has been getting what he wants from you and being helpful in return. You knew he wasn't the love of your life. Sounds like he felt the same way. Look at it that you've had a nice 8 months but now it's over. Good luck

Shinyshoes1 · 19/07/2012 08:44

Agree with frontline . You are making excuses and absolving him of any wrong doing

Anniegetyourgun · 19/07/2012 08:44

Rule no 1 is never give them money. A decent OH wouldn't ask. (This goes for both sexes btw.)

Guiltypleasures001 · 19/07/2012 08:49

You were giving him money, and he was telling you what you wanted to hear, he is the worst kind of creature, I am really sorry he strung you along.

Keep your dignity and tell him to leave immediatly dont give him a reason, he doesnt deserve one, he probably already knows. Ide report him to the dating sites as well, I wonder how many other times he has done this. If he has accepted money from you, how much from other women?

so sorry he is teaching his kids a shite example of a human being.

WildWorld2004 · 19/07/2012 08:49

If you have paid for the holiday, you go and take your kids and have a fantastic time.

Im not even gna answer what to do about him as its pretty obvious.

fiventhree · 19/07/2012 08:59

So, he takes money from you (however you look at it), lies, cheats, and he isnt the love of your life.

You ask "what's next".

ASk your self what you would advise a friend, eight months in.

The answers wont be different and you will have had a lucky escape.

Teansympathy · 20/07/2012 07:37

Dump him please dont go on holiday it would be awful for you and your kids well done you for following your instinct MEN! , you deserve so much better onwards and upwards take care of you and your kiddies.

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