Not sure what I need, relationship fixing or antiDs...

[RedSquizzle]

Just posting to try and figure out/get some opinions on what it is that will help me most - I can't see the wood for the trees. (Drip feeding inevitable I'm afraid.)

DS is 14mo, DH and I have been together for 9yrs, married for 2. We've had our problems, but have been pretty good for the last 5 years or so.
Lately we've been rowing a lot over petty issues like housework, who's the most tired etc.
I don't feel much for him right now, but have always struggled to feel much about anything tbh, I always thought I was just a cold fish. Was discussing this with my sister this week, and she says it's a classic sign of depression. I've always been a depressive type, dealt with it myself as childhood doc didn't believe in meds, usually manage to fake chirpiness long enough to pull myself out of a rut. She's insisted I see a doc to talk about it, so I've booked an apt for Friday, but I'm just not sure that depression is the problem?

DH is a wonderful man, and a fab father, but we're not making each other happy at the moment, we haven't had sex since I was 3/4 months pregnant, and I feel more like we're affectionate housemates. We've never had a great sex life as DH isn't massively interested, and I'm not usually bothered by it, but it just seems to be a massive red flag that we're not 'right'. He gets wound up by the smallest thing, and is constantly negative about everything I suggest/do.
Tbf to him, the house is a state, full of crap we don't use or need, and it's mostly mine, but I've struggled to get the place sorted and we moved in 18 months ago.

Gah - run out of time - my Internet turns off at Midnight (a la Cinderella!) so apologies for posting and running, I'll be back in the morning!

How much domestic work and childcare is this 'wonderful man and fab father' doing?

It may well be that you are depressed and he's a decent bloke doing his share: I don't know you or him. But you do mention that you have had problems in the past, and that he is very critical - this does suggest the possibility that the problems are down to the fact that he's an arsehole who expects to have his own way all the time, and that now you have a baby to look after and naturally you prioritize the baby rather than the man, he's acting up because he expects you to put Your Husband first. Entitled, sexist men who expect their wives to service them and obey them often only really show their true colours when there's a baby in the house as the arrival of a child makes the mother realise how much she's been indulging the man for the sake of peace and quiet.

Also, saying that a man is a 'fab father' is something that women living with abusers often do, when it's not actually true but you feel you have to say something nice about him.

I don't think the lack of sex means you are not right but whatever has caused it and whatever is stopping you (both) from doing something about it. It is not a massive marriage ending problem in itself. Lack of intimacy is likely to make you feel distant from each other and the lack of sex can be an indicator of lack of intimacy. Do you not just need to work on that?

Thank you for replying sgb and Offred, much appreciated.

DH does all the cooking (90%), and a fair share of housework, while I do 90% of DSs care - DH does his evening bath, and sometimes takes him on weekend mornings so I can sleep for an hour or two.
He is a fab father, I love watching him play with DS, they have a brilliant time giggling away, and he's not shy of a full nappy etc.

One of the problems is that he wants me to do things his way, ie quickly, while I'm slower on the uptake. Often I'll let the washing up accumulate during the day as I'd rather prioritise DS and deal with the dishes after he's in bed. DH thinks that coming home to a sink full of dishes is the worst thing in the world, and so will wash up in a crash bang pointedly martyred way while I'm feeding DS and putting him down - if he'd left it 10 more minutes I'd have done it myself! Frustrating. We have different standards, and when I was working it wasn't so apparent as I was out all day too. He never thought I'd be a 50s housewife, but he did expect me to do pull my weight more during the day, which is fair enough - I do just concentrate on DS during the day and leave the housework, DS has always been high-need so I think I've got in the habit of ignoring everything else that needs to be done.
He is a decent bloke, generally doing more than his share, but the reason he does all the cooking for example, is that he's so critical of mine! It's very wearing, so now I just let him get on with it himself, he's much better. He has some arsehole tendencies, and thinks he's compromising, when really he isn't, but he's been learning to deal better with situations and is way better than he used to be (the chip on his shoulder is noticeably smaller than it was when we met).

My sister has been telling me she thinks I'm depressed for ages, but as its just the way I am I didn't see the point of talking to a doc about it. I haven't been sleeping well, I have no motivation to get anything done, housework or tasks, and i cry a lot. I only seem to get emotional when I'm tired, it's the only time I really feel anything. I've been getting 4-5 hours a night for the last six months, even after DS was sleeping through, as I havent been able to get to sleep before 2:30am. The last few days I've been getting to sleep around 1am which has been great!

Offred We're affectionate with hugs and kisses, but yes, we're distant. It was originally caused by DH - we broke up due to him cheating, and we never got back into the swing of things when we got back together due to his low libido. I try to talk about it with him but he just brushes it under the carpet. Conceiving DS was not as much fun as it should have been! We are closer when our sex life is more 'normal', but it's been so long now neither of us seem to know where to start! Add to that we're both constantly shattered, I feel v unattractive, he feels hard done by, and it's hardly a recipe for love.

I hope this explains more. I def don't want to end our relationship, we're in it for the long haul, I just don't want to carry on as we currently are.

If you're living with someone that shows you very little affection that's stressful. If the person showing you very little affection has cheated on you in the past, that's even more stressful. If there is also criticism, inconsideration, impatience, resentment, that leads to a pretty unhappy atmosphere. The sleep deprivation of a new baby can easily leave someone tired, snappy, tearful all by itself and, if your sleep patterns get out of whack, it can be difficult to get back to normal. But add the underlying incompatibility to it and it would be entirely normal to experience anxiety and depression.

AD's may help you cope short-term but it won't fix the more serious problem which, looking at it as an outsider, is that you just don't get on with each other. You're not even affectionate housemates.... you're grudgingly sharing the same roof.

Cogito We are usually affectionate, but on a bad day/week it can be like that - we are very different people, and when we're in our happy couple bubble it's lovely, but when problems occur the differences are very marked.

The test of any relationship is how you are with each other when there are problems. In a good relationship, people can disagree but still treat each other with respect and kindness. They try to reach compromises and work on solutions. They 'never let the sun go down on an argument'. In a bad relationship it ends up as criticism, nit-picking, insults, sulking, withdrawal of affection, hashing up grievances, blame and -worst of all - refusal to communicate.

I guess I was wondering whether ADs would help me cope and get on top of the household issues, so that I wasn't contantly being ground down by it. I just can't seem to deal with it all, it's oppressive, and there's so much to do. I used to be a bit of a hoarder, which is now up control, but has left me with a house jam packed full of stuff.
I find the house depressing, and don't like having new people over as its rather embarrassing.

Xpost there, sorry Cogito.
The bad stuff you describe there is us to a tee on bad days, and we used to be the other ones!
My gran taught me to never go to bed on an argument, but DH just stalks off and goes to bed without speaking to me. We've talked about it this week and he's promised not to do it again, but it's all well and good saying that - he needs to actually remember it and do it next time we row! Nothing wrong with an argument as long as you actually finish it and it resolves something, I just hate pointless half-finished rows that don't achieve anything.

DH is a world-class sulker, whereas I'm more of an argue-to-clear-the-air type.

He sees the world differently, and keeps a mental log of who's done what, how many times, favours etc. whereas I just do stuff regardless of what I'm 'owed'.
I've had to start pointing out what I've done every day, however small, as he doesn't notice unless a fuss is made, and assumes I've done nothing unless I mention it.
This week I've instigated a washing up rota where I wash up on days with a T in it, as then he has to leave it for me to do in my own time, rather than him rushing to do it while im busy elsewhere to prove how hard done by he is. I can't stand martyrs, it drives me batty!

I think you need help with the house - can you ask a friend/or family member to help you purge - do you feel that this is possible - get a skip and throw things out?! I would mention this to the dr as well - I can imagine it is very overwhelming - for you both - I am only touching on the house here but these things are often so intertwined that as you sort one thing out others fall into place!

I think you should talk to your GP. It could be something as simple as sedatives to help you get better quality sleep rather than ADs specifically. It makes a big difference to your ability to deal with life if you're getting 8 hours or just 4 or 5 hours sleep.

For household stuff, if you can afford it, get a cleaner. I've had one for years, she does three hours on a Monday and, between times, I and DS can keep the place reasonable. I was not put on this earth to scrub baths and I am 10x more cheerful when I'm not walking around behind a hoover!!!

On the arguments situation, I would sit down with DH and literally draw up a house rules flip-chart and pin it up somewhere visible. Your gran was right.... so 'never go to bed on an argument' is top of the list. You might want to add. 'Say please and thank you to each other'.... common courtesy often gets lost with couples. Set up date nights, book a weekend away somewhere without the baby, all the usual things.

You could tackle the clutter as that seems to be a bone of contention. Agree perhaps that every time a charity collection bag comes through the letter box you will always put it out again full? Find a car-boot sale to take other stuff to or resolve to load up the car and visit the tip every weekend.

There's lots you can do but I think you need to sleep properly in order to get the energy and motivation together

To be fair to him, I wouldn't like to come home to all the dishes. I know you say you were about to do them, but if you've been at home for ten hours without doing them, it's not unreasonable for him to think that they're not going to be done.

What's all this about washing dishes if there's a T in the day? That's three days a week - how can you do them then and not at another time?

I think your sister has a point about depression. ADs can be great for helping you to cope. Once you learn to cope, you can come off them.

So you're overwhelmed and firefighting and he's capable, doing a fair share of housework and feeling entitled to moan?

Tricky one, I've been there and not got out of it but the only way to tell whether this is something you can get a grip of is by 'manning up' and just coping. Every time you expect something from him you will get weaker, more vulnerable and less confident.

Sort the house out as a priority, this is important symbolically, as you are asserting your territory and your strength. Get to flylady if you can bear the american-ness of it all, you don't have to do it all, but it certainly helped me chip away at my chaos one bit at a time without being overwhelmed and giving up. The baby steps are the most important, you can then make your own routine as you need to. One room should always be a sanctuary and very tidy, even if the others are a mess. This can alternate.

You do also sound a little aspergers to me, your lack of interest in emotion may actually be a need rather than a personality trait. Try an online test as it may help you understand the reasons behind your behaviour. But try not to use it as a reason not to man up and move forward.

You both have very different approaches (him counting favours, you just helping) and this can get very difficult. It may mean that you are just badly suited and the relationship may end. Being a good father isn't enough, he needs to be a good partner to you - you can't be a good father without looking after the mother, it should be a team effort, a partnership.

Try to open up to the idea that your relationship may end and that getting yourself sorted will be essential if this happens.

"You do also sound a little aspergers to me"

Give over...

Imperial the T thing is just for evening washing up - the day stuff I do need to just get on with myself obviously. He feels very put upon, and I can see why, he ended up doing all the cooking and washing up most evenings. I just don't seem able to get a grip on anything.

Cogito & Cosmos I don't have any family nearby, and only one helpful friend, and I don't want to take advantage of her.
I was reading Trinity's decluttering thread and was so impressed at her motivation, my junk gets sorted but never seems to leave the house. I need to focus more on getting the stuff out I think.
A cleaner is sadly not an option financially, I'm a SAHM and have been trying to figure out ways we can save money, so can't spend more on something I should be doing!
Sleeping pills could be a help, I hadn't thought of that. I'm bfing still, so not sure if it'd be allowed, but will ask the doc.

manup Firefighting is exactly how it feels - like an avalanche that keeps coming. He hates the mess in the house yet is incapable of keeping anything I sort out tidy. Eg I've cleared and sorted his desk/computer area countless times, I barely ever use it, yet it turns into a heap of crap within days. It's demoralising, as I feel like I've made an effort for nothing.

@Cog

If I were your friend I would jump at the chance of helping you sort out your house - it is MUCH easier to organise someone else's house then it is your own - don't forget you have a little one - they don't always help with motivating you to sort yourself out - in fact they can hinder you - would your friend be happy to watch your baby for a few hours so you can (bin bag in had) sort out a room?

I know that when mine has gone to bed the last thing I want is to start "tiding" I want to sit in peace and quite and do nothing!

I would say you are not alone in feeling the way you do - go see the dr - see what they say - have a good cry if need be! X

Back away from the desk! Surely, that's his job? Could you E-Bay any of your unwanted stuff? I had a nine-month rush of selling everything I could find & made quite a bit of cash. You need to be quite organised shipping parcels etc. so ideal for an SAHM. Proceeds could even finance your cleaner.

eBay is definitely a plan - esp with clothes, I used to buy a lot, pre-de-hoarding.

I need a rocket up my backside - I am the Queen of Procrastination.

My friend would help I'm sure, I'm just wary of taking advantage as she's v generous spirited and I'm rathe pr self absorbed at the mo.

Will be back later - just leaping into the shower before a friend comes over, and I have to do a manic tidy before she arrives!

You really don't a rocket, just take a first, small step. My E-Bay efforts started with just one little item. I thought that would be it but, once I'd sold it, I got thinking what else I could sell and then it rather snowballed.

I keep looking at stuff thinking I should eBay it, but filing it away in my 'big eBay effort' plan. You're right, I should start with just one thing. It'll get me off to a good start. I'll try to do it this evening.

His libido wasn't so low that it stopped him shagging someone else, was it?

I wonder if the two of you are basically incompatible with one another. Why did he come back, was it because of DC, or social pressure, or did the OW bin him? I am wondering if his pickiness might be down to resentment or unhappiness that he is with you out of 'duty' rather than with her.
That doesn't excuse his constant niggling at you, of course - and another possible explanation is far nastier: that he likes you being insecure and grateful that he Chose You, and he wants to be able to manipulate you into obedience by reminding you that he could up and leave at any time should you ever ask for anything.

sgb the cheating wasn't actually consummated as it happens as he was too drunk to perform (I found that out via the smirking rumour mill), but them ending up in bed attempting it was enough! It is water under the bridge now, but was dealt with very badly by him at the time. We weren't even living together at that point, and didn't have DCs, he came back because we had 6 months apart and he still missed me. I took some persuading, and wouldnt move in with him for years.
His behaviour then was due in part to his family issues - he felt he had to burn the candle at both ends and live life as if it would end tomorrow with no thought to consequences. He's grown up a lot since then, and we've moved away from the social life and friends that enabled him. They used to try to encourage him to cheat on me as they thought I was too dull for them. We don't see them much, none of them have bothered to come see us outside London and meet DS, which says it all really. He is no longer impressed by them.

Cogito One small step
Thank you for the prod. :)