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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband, for example, is a...

56 replies

AreYouCallingMeDarling · 18/07/2012 20:31

...Cunt

100s of text messages to a woman a couple of months back...

again

nothing happened with her of course

I checked his bill because I did an online shop and condoms were in the "stuff you have been buying at tesco" list. Apparently they were for a posh wank

don't know how to move on from this or if I even want to or can

I have work to do tonight so may not post much.

OP posts:
Blinkeyblonk · 18/07/2012 21:18

I know someone who uses excuses like this to his dw regularly.he is of the opinion that he can go through his life having his cake and eating it as he will just deny deny deny...in addition, my dad let my mum believe she needed to see a psychiatrist over her"paranoia" when actually she was right about his 2 year affair.don't let him wear you down hun x

ImperialBlether · 18/07/2012 21:19

What's it going to take for you to finish this with him?

He clearly doesn't mean anything he says to you. I've just read your old thread and he lied and lied and lied there, didn't he? And all the time my heart was sinking because you were saying "But I really love him."

Now it's happening again. What are you going to do about it?

MissFaversam · 18/07/2012 21:21

Oh OP, what a total dick that even thinks with it too

Enough is enough now sweetheart isn't it.

Blinkeyblonk · 18/07/2012 21:27

A man who has previously had unprotected sex with own is not going to buy condoms for a posh wank ! Sorry but that's him spinning you a ridiculous line.if you love him, you could stay, put up and shut up, have him keep breaking your heart and your confidence..and maybe, perhaps, when he reaches his seventies, he might settle down and you can have him to your self for the last few years.but you will probably be so miserable by then that there will be nothing left to give.or, you could start to value yourself and realise that you deserve so much better x x

ImperialBlether · 18/07/2012 21:28

Trust is everything. If you can't trust him then he's worthless. Every day you will be haunted by what he's doing and who he's doing it with. No point in asking him, because he lies.

Get rid and look for someone decent.

Original poster
AreYouCallingMeDarling · 18/07/2012 21:28

What is the book that is recommended?

Shirly glass or something?

OP posts:
Blinkeyblonk · 18/07/2012 21:28

That meant to say "had unprotected sex with ow"

BoyMeetsWorld · 18/07/2012 21:35

Oh not the dreaded 'posh wank' excuse Sad my DS's dad gave me that crap when I discovered condoms in his side drawer that hadn't been there before...I was pregnant at the time with his child so obviously they weren't ours. Suffice to say turned out he was seeing a teenager & subsequently left for her - I found tons of texts too which "were all in my head". What IS it with these sorts of men - they never changeAngry . Please can I add my resounding LTB . I know it's so hard...but someone better, who won't treat you like this, is out there waiting....

Original poster
AreYouCallingMeDarling · 18/07/2012 21:35

It is breaking my heart and my confidence.

He is upset (I have shown him this thread) but it still feels like upset that he has been found out

And now he is asking when am I going?

OP posts:
Original poster
AreYouCallingMeDarling · 18/07/2012 21:41

You know, in real life, I am seen as a strong woman who takes no shit.

I am not sure why I am here now, in this place

Hmm
OP posts:
maras2 · 18/07/2012 21:42

Tell him that you're going whever you want.Upset my arse.He's just feeling sorry for himself as he's been rumbled.He's a very bad man and you deserve better.Good luck with whatever you decide.

ImperialBlether · 18/07/2012 21:45

I can understand the posh wank thing if you were on your own in a hotel and there were some condoms in the bathroom and you decided to have a go.

Under no other circumstances would anyone buy condoms for this purpose.

EclecticShock · 18/07/2012 21:46

You don't have to go... He can go...

MadAboutHotChoc · 18/07/2012 21:46

You can do it - take control by telling him he made his choice.

Of course he is upset - its part of the script that all cheaters follow when they have been caught red handed. His crocodile tears are for himself.

(the Shirley Glass book is Not Just Friends but this is more for those who are considering staying together)

struwelpeter · 18/07/2012 21:50

hang on, why the deck should you be going? Take his stuff, dump in spare room/living room. Shut bedroom door and from now on no washing, any crap done from him. If you can bear it, hang on there until you have time to sort the practical bits.
Shows he is a prick several times over if he thinks you should move out so he can shag in your former bed. so Angry for you.

Blinkeyblonk · 18/07/2012 21:50

I agree, why should you go any where?! ..have you got children?

Blinkeyblonk · 18/07/2012 21:52

And please don't berate yourself or think we think you are a soft touch.I am seen as strong in rl but I too got into a bad relationship.you did not choose this, but you can choose to end being treated like this x hugs

BoyMeetsWorld · 18/07/2012 21:58

OP - again, just talking from own experience, but even once I'd caught ex out condom-handed so to speak, seen all the texts with my own eyes etc...he still put it all onto me, forced ME to make the decision to leave. & tried to make me feel like I was crazy and imaging it all too - later like he couldn't possibly have done any different because it was 'just in his nature'. I've always been considered strong and feisty too, but he broke my heart and spirit - making the decision to leave whilst pregnant was the hardest thing ever. But you ARE strong if you leave: you are calling the final shot that you won't stand that anymore and realise you're worth more (even if your nerves are shot to pieces and you don't really feel it). Once you've left, short of the administrative hell & picking up the pieces to start again, there's nothing more that idiot can do to you. Please try to be strong - is it fear of the future or pain at losing the past keeping you? I really hope it works out OK for you. Just remember you are strong and you can get through it - he's the weak one because he can't control his urges and as a result he's losing you. His loss.

joblot · 18/07/2012 22:30

Shit things happen to strong people too. None of us has a crystal ball and liars tend to be v skilled at their jobs

Trazzletoes · 18/07/2012 22:39

Don't leave. YOU have done nothing wrong. He has so HE gets to sleep elsewhere. Tell him to sod off. You are worth more than this selfish bastard.

creativepebble · 18/07/2012 22:54

After saying Leave The Bastard and then, rather HE should go... I'd like to sing you a song. I will bold the words to remember.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified, Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side, But then I spent so many nights, thinking how you did me wrong, And I grew strong, And I learned how to get along, and so you're back, from outer space, I just walked in to find you here, with that sad look upon your face, I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, If I had known for just one second, you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go, walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
oh as long as i know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive (hey hey)

...The song goes on. You know it darling. You deserve much better.
I am so sorry that your husband is a cunt and can't keep it in his trousers.

clam · 19/07/2012 00:05

I remember your previous thread. Sad So very sorry that this is happening again, if it is.
Aren't you in military quarters? Is that why it might be you who has to actually leave?

Lovingfreedom · 19/07/2012 00:09

You got him sussed. Now to make your plans for the future. Good luck. You'll get lots of support from MN and hope you have some friends/family to help you out in RL. x

Blinkeyblonk · 19/07/2012 05:36

Brilliant post, creative x

Blinkeyblonk · 19/07/2012 05:40

Op ..if he is already breaking your heart and confidence....sit and close your eyes, picture yourself in two years from now...he has been behaving the same over the next two years...how do you look 2 years on from now, how do you feel, what is your confidence like??..then imagine you do get rid of him now...how would you like to look and feel in 2 years...because that could be .you have done nothing wrong but its only you that's suffering x

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