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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I kiss him?

64 replies

Nuttyprofessor · 18/07/2012 17:16

Seven weeks ago I was sitting on the sofa with my DH, he got up and went to bed without saying goodnight.

He did not speak to me for three weeks after this.

For the next three weeks he spoke to me but only about practicalities.

One week ago he starts texting me asking me why is our relationship is so rubbish. I replied you can talk to me when you get home.

He came home sat on the sofa for two hours saying nothing and then said as I was not saying anything he was going to bed.

Today I receive a text. "The talking didn't go very well, did it. So let's try a kiss and a cuddle. If you agree kiss me as I walk in the door.

Maybe this should be in Aibu. AIBU to stab him?

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 18/07/2012 17:24

er..how old is he???

Original poster
Nuttyprofessor · 18/07/2012 17:26

49

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/07/2012 17:30

Blimey... if they gave out Olympic medals for sulking, he'd get the gold. Interesting that he thinks you have mind-reading powers. Hmm Kiss me as i walk in the door?... I'd maintain a respectful distance and see who cracks first.

maleview70 · 18/07/2012 17:30

49 going on 19?

Is he worth this crap you are having to put up with. Does he have any redeeming features or is your relationship just completely tired and drab?

Original poster
Nuttyprofessor · 18/07/2012 17:39

He is two people one of them lovely the other as in my post. It goes in cycles of 12weeks. We have been together 34years. I don't feel anything any more.

OP posts:
SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 18/07/2012 17:43

If you don't feel anything anymore then don't kiss him.

If you think there's a future and you just need to work it out then give him a kiss but follow that up with a great big long conversation (several).

LeanderBear · 18/07/2012 17:54

How about trying to pretend everything is ok, be pleasant to each other and don't analyse what happened. It will feel totally false but maybe, with time, it will feel a little better and more natural.

I would go along with with the kiss thing however a Hmm suggestion it is. At least he is trying to be proactive. That is a good sign and shows willing. If you don't he will feel rejected by you and will prolong the silent hostilities.
I am sure other posters may advocate having things out with him but I sometimes think its not the best plan as it is easy to say the wrong thing and upset each other even more.
Is there any chance you could go to a movie or something similar this evening. A gentle sort of date night. You can chat about the movie, be companionable without it being awkward.
I know my plan seems very passive but sometimes you have to compromise to get things back on an even keel.
I have read the other posts and I understand that the OP's DH has behaved very childishly. I would find it hard to forget what an A1 prat he has been but sometimes you have got to think long term.
I would send a short text to say that would be nice, ask him what he wants for supper or suggest doing something in the evening. Ie a very harmless text.
Good luck.

VickyWurt · 18/07/2012 18:14

You only have one life - one chance on this planet. Don't mess it up with small things.

You do it and get on with it.

Oogaballoo · 18/07/2012 18:18

He goes through cycles of not talking to you for weeks at time, on a twelve week basis? Has this been for the whole of your relationship? Shock

I'm not surprised you feel nothing. That sounds absolutely soul-crushing.

Lucyellensmum99 · 18/07/2012 18:24

Is he mentally ill? genuine question?

mcmooncup · 18/07/2012 18:29

How incredibly weird.

No way on earth would I kiss him

Manipulation or what. Don't compromise. He needs to explain himself to YOU?!?

Do you even know what you supposedly did wrong as you were sitting down watching tv?

Original poster
Nuttyprofessor · 18/07/2012 18:30

Mentally I'll, I have to wonder. I have had it out with him many times but we just go through the same cycle.

I feel like I'm letting him abuse me if I don't object to being ignored for weeks on end.

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 18/07/2012 18:34

And you have every right to object to being ignored for weeks on end.

He will hate your objection though obviously............Hence your hesitation.

Quiet life for the next few weeks with the compliance to the kiss, or open up a massive can of whoop ass by defying him and standing up for your rights?

Rock and hard place. But still I'd go for the second. You sound like you have had enough Smile

clam · 18/07/2012 18:47

Unless you go for a compromise? Kiss him lightly on the cheek, so you have acknowledged a willingness to move on from the current impasse. BUT, when you start to talk, be firm. Don't let him wriggle off the hook.

Lueji · 18/07/2012 18:58

Wait a minute.
Kiss him as he walks through the door?
As in going to him as he arrives, as a dutiful little wife?

I'd text him back that as he enters the door he can come find me and kiss me any time.
Or don't bother coming in.

ImperialBlether · 18/07/2012 19:07

Can you tell us what had happened that night seven weeks ago when he went up to bed without saying goodnight and then just ignored you?

Personally I couldn't live with someone who ignored me. My instinct would be to move as far from him as I could.

You have been more than patient with this man. I'd be tempted to not be there when he got home.

Less · 18/07/2012 19:16

This is the sort of thing I might suggest (am female). I would be my way of saying look we've both been as bad as each other over the last few weeks, but I do love you and want to sort it out.

I would absolutely mean a kiss and a cuddle though, nothing else.

Not sure how he's managed to ignore you for seven weeks without a little help from you Wink

Original poster
Nuttyprofessor · 18/07/2012 20:05

On the day it started sent me a text asking for a night of passion. We watched a DVD had a few drinks, he suddenly got up and left.

He ignored me for four weeks by coming home eating his dinner and going downstairs, we have a three storey house, watching tv on his own. Coming up to make coffee, making one for me but leaving it in the kitchens and not telling me it was there

He would go to bed walking past the living room door and not even saying goodnight.

The only time I have ignored him is when he wants to pick up where he left off without any explanation.

He has done this many times and will always blame it on something other than him, such as if I had a cold for a few days he will say But you have been Ill for weeks. He has an amazing ability to rewrite history. I have kept a diary of behaviour during the last three episodes and there is a definite pattern.

In the past he has always stopped doing any chores during sulk time. This Time he carried on doing the chores we agreed he would do. So I am being unreasonable to complain.

OP posts:
carlywurly · 18/07/2012 20:12

He sounds to have a total inability to communicate in a functional, adult way.
I put up with some rubbish from XH, but couldn't have dealt with this - sulking is totally abhorrent behaviour imo.

If you talk to him during one of his sulks, does he just blank you? Or is it that you don't talk to him either during that time? It all sounds ludicrous, and very wearing for you to have to put up with.

I don't think I could indulge him by kissing him. I'd have his bags packed by the door instead, I'm afraid. Unless he's willing to seek some help for his behaviour, I really would think hard about whether you can tolerate this in future. It's no way to live at all.

newmum001 · 18/07/2012 20:13

How about you slap him as he walks in the door and see how that goes? I am not being serious btw but who does he think he is? My dp can be quite similar to this and a txt like that would not sit well with me at all.

claudedebussy · 18/07/2012 20:15

sounds awful.

no i would not kiss him. it's like everything's on YOU and he has no responsibility in this.

Lucyellensmum99 · 18/07/2012 20:15

No you are not being unreasonable for god sake he is behaving disgustingly

Original poster
Nuttyprofessor · 18/07/2012 20:22

If I try to communicate with him when he is sulking he just says stop nagging, I don't know what you are on about, get out of my face.

I think I will insist he sees a DR. Can't decide if he is mad or bad. He has a good job, never any issues with money. In fact he can be lovely but you never know when the switch will happen, can't help thinking if he would just explain what is in his head it would help.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 18/07/2012 20:23

OK so you've been together 34 years.

What's your reaction to spending another 34 years with him?

If you left him, what would your life be like? Have you ever visualised this? Where would you live? Do you work? Do you have children together? Do you have good RL friends?

runtosea · 18/07/2012 20:24

This sounds like my ex, who once managed eight weeks without speaking to me, and we lived in a two up two down, and still shared a bed! Only difference is my ex didn't even bother to text.

I think that your husband sounds depressed and upset, but the text messages sound to me like he is trying to reach out.

Could you schedule a "meeting" with him? Where you both could talk? Also, do you want to stay married to this man? When mine started ignoring me, it was clear enough the marriage was already over....