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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I kiss him?

64 replies

Nuttyprofessor · 18/07/2012 17:16

Seven weeks ago I was sitting on the sofa with my DH, he got up and went to bed without saying goodnight.

He did not speak to me for three weeks after this.

For the next three weeks he spoke to me but only about practicalities.

One week ago he starts texting me asking me why is our relationship is so rubbish. I replied you can talk to me when you get home.

He came home sat on the sofa for two hours saying nothing and then said as I was not saying anything he was going to bed.

Today I receive a text. "The talking didn't go very well, did it. So let's try a kiss and a cuddle. If you agree kiss me as I walk in the door.

Maybe this should be in Aibu. AIBU to stab him?

OP posts:

LeanderBear · 18/07/2012 20:25

What do you think you will do? What do you want to happen?

showtunesgirl · 18/07/2012 20:29

My gut reaction is that this is very strang behaviour. Have you really put up with this for 34 years?

A good relationship needs good communication in order to work and this seems to be fundamentally missing.

ImperialBlether · 18/07/2012 20:29

I don't think he does sound depressed. I think he has a massive sense of entitlement and has learned somewhere in life that sulking gets him what he wants, ie victim status, an uneasy wife and the freedom (up until recently) to not do any chores in the house.

Original poster

Nuttyprofessor · 18/07/2012 20:32

I care for his mother who has dementia, I would still need to do this. I have the skills to support myself but because of this only work pt.

We have three DCs one still at home big age gap.

Financially it would be hard, in every other way it would be better.

OP posts:

Niceupthedance · 18/07/2012 20:33

Why did neither of you talk when you were supposed to have a chat about your relationship? Is he waiting for you to say it's all your fault that it's "rubbish" do you think?

I wouldn't kiss him. I would text him back and say it's time for couples counselling my dear.

yellowraincoat · 18/07/2012 20:34

I could not put up with someone ignoring me for weeks on end.

Tell me you don't have kids. If you do, I promise you that this little charade he has going on will be messing with their heads.

AnastasiaSteele · 18/07/2012 20:34

This is odd behaviour.

The only time it's happened to me has been with my delightful emotionally abusive 'D'P. He has a habit of changing his mind very quickly about disagreements as long as I admit I'm wrong even if I'm not. The only time I've looked for problems and been a bit quieter has been when I wanted out or had my head turned, but I have still talked.

I'm sorry to hear you're having a shit time.

showtunesgirl · 18/07/2012 20:34

And personally, I can't abide sulking. I genuinely believe that it achieves nothing. The aggrieved party doesn't say what they want and the offending party has no idea what they've done "wrong" so it's a lose-lose situation!

yellowraincoat · 18/07/2012 20:35

xpost.

Right, you do have kids, one of them at home. OP, my mum used to get like this with my dad. Ignored him for weeks at a time.

It was horrible. I walked on eggshells around the house, convinced that there must be something I could do to stop this horrible situation.

You don't want that for your kids, do you? So since he seems to be incapable of sorting this out, you need to either get him to go to counselling or boot his arse out the door.

Lueji · 18/07/2012 20:36

So, that night was he expecting you to initiate said night of passion?
Very odd behaviour.

He might not want to talk about it when he's in a mood, but do you ever discuss it in the intervals?

anniewoo · 18/07/2012 20:45

Poor you NuttyProfessor having to put up with that behaviour. Is the DC at home involved? Doesn't he/ she find it odd?Shouldn't your partner be on bended knee thanking you for looking after his mother and treating you to nice things? What a strange man

NowThenWreck · 18/07/2012 20:47

Tell him he can kiss your arse.

Original poster

Nuttyprofessor · 18/07/2012 22:03

Thank you so much for all of the replies, I am going to show them to him. I have told him we can talk only when I get an explanation of why he walked out with the hump. I don't want an apology I want an explanation or I will draw my own conclusions.

NowThenWreck. That is funny, I didn't reply just ignored it.

OP posts:

tb · 18/07/2012 23:35

I don't understand why you would still have the responsibility of caring for HIS mother. Why? I'm sure that if you split up, he wouldn't give two hoots about your dm.

I don't think that I could live in this atmosphere - my late 'd'm used to give df and me the frosty treatment for weeks on end. Was absolutely horrible, stuff of nightmares, and she knew she was doing it, and enjoyed it, too.

SoDesperate · 19/07/2012 10:33

Can I ask if he treats anyone else this way? Does he sulk with your DC or friends, neighbours, colleagues? If not then I would say his behaviour is manipulative and abusive.

If you care for his mother are you claiming carers allowance? It might help if you decide to go it alone.

Lueji · 19/07/2012 11:09

Also, what happened in the end?

fluffiphlox · 19/07/2012 14:04

34 years of this? Crikey, you sound like you deserve a medal. AND you look after his Ma? Blimey. You're a better woman than I.

Original poster

Nuttyprofessor · 20/07/2012 19:41

I would still care for my MIL as she has been that for 30 years, she has supported me more than my own DM. She knows me as the person who loves and cares for her, I would not punish her for his crimes.

Evidentally my crime was to talk about my DDs problems. Her 7 month old DS broke his arm in the cot bars, it was eventually proved this was due to hypermobility. There was a social services investigation during which her 3 DCs would be taken into care if I and other family members did not agree to safeguard them for 24 hours a day. The whole thing was a complete nightmare. My crime was that I did not let DH even eat his dinner in peace before updating him with news of our fight to clear DDS name. I should not bother him, but let him relax after work.

So basically during one of the most awful times of our lives when i was taking care of everyone except him he just disengaged and gave no support practical or emotional. I told him what I thought of him in no uncertain terms.

OP posts:

Lueji · 20/07/2012 20:11

Unless he changes asap, you'd better show him what you think too. :(

showtunesgirl · 20/07/2012 20:21

I think he needs some help. He sounds like he has some sociopathic tendencies?

Lueji · 20/07/2012 20:24

Showtunes,

Help how?
Unless he wants it, it's not going to happen.

showtunesgirl · 20/07/2012 21:10

And that of course is always the biggest problem. How do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped or doesn't even realise they have a problem?

Nutty have you told him outright that this type of behaviour is unacceptable or have you just rolled with it to keep the peace?

PooPooInMyToes · 20/07/2012 22:16

It sounds to me like he's either horrifically emotionally abusive towards you or seriously mentally ill. It is dysfunctional beyond belief and you should not be expected to live your life like this.

Original poster

Nuttyprofessor · 20/07/2012 22:49

I have told him but he doesn't acknowledge it. I am going to show him this thread.

OP posts:

babyhammock · 20/07/2012 23:08

I'd be very wary about showing him this thread as his previous behaviour shows that he's most likely to ignore anyway and is more likely to use it against you... a stick to beat you with so to speak

He sounds horrendous and I can't believe how long you've put up with it. I don't think he wants to change or is able to. He sounds incredibly narcissitic and if you know you'd be happier leaving him, just leave x

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