How an earth can I make a friend around here!!

[mamafridi]

I've been in the uk for three months now and it is slowly dawning on me that making friends is not any easy thing here. I'll admit where I used to live there was a big expat community and so meeting other mums at play groups was not a problem and swapping numbers and then meeting for coffee at their homes or at my place was not a big deal. But even though I am a Brit and and used to live here I have noticed that even striking up a conversation can be a bit like pulling teeth.

I am a stay at home mum at the moment and would really like to befriend some of you mums but I'm stumped on what the etiquette might be and why it so difficult to make friends.

What region are you in?

Are you going to baby groups?

I think it can take a while to make friends at play groups etc. I've been going to the group in my village for several months and only now am I starting to have 'proper' conversations with the other mums. Don't get me wrong they are all friendly it just takes time to get past that polite conversation stage.

Where abouts are you OP?

I'm in Surrey. I go to the local library where they do rhyme time so not the best way to chat to other mums when you have to sing along to the wheels on the bus. The problem at the moment is that I don't have a car, so it all has to be walk or buses. Everyone seems friendly, it's just that I suppose I've lost touch with the 'British Reserve'. I just want to get chatting and find out about people. I should be patient, but still...it's very frustrating.

You have to take the initiative and not hang around waiting for others to make the first move. Baby/toddler groups are better than organised activities like rhyme time. I moved from the south to the midlands recently and I've made a few friends in the last 6 months or so, but that's by being quick to talk to others, getting involved etc. I'm now on the committee of the local toddler group and I asked the husband of a work friend of my DH's, who's a SAHD, if he'd like to meet up once a week (as he was in a very similar situation to me, having moved recently). I chat to people in the park and just generally make sure I get noticed :)

Just out of interest where did you move from?

where in surrey?
tis a big place.

turn up early to groups, go consistently.
ask others what activities they recommend.
then get to the newbies first and befriend them
work the room! try and have a talk to everyone.
ask the organisers how you can help.
take a home made cake.

And I think sometimes you have to be the one to say, "Let's go for coffee" or for a walk or whatever. Took me a while to realise that people don't always know that you want to be friends!

I am in surrey, the children's centres can be brilliant, also some of the church playgroups (am not religious), and things at the leisure centre and the smaller soft-plays. Organised classes and rhyme time are hard to chat, gymboree was good and met a couple of people there. I went a long time in london without any new friends, when arrived here was determined to make some, and was much bolder about marching up to friendly-looking peopleand chatting, and getting their number then texting to try to arrange to meet up.

It seems easiest to make friends with people with similar-aged snd same number of DC, I have two and my toddler freaked out a lot of mums of one!

The older population are v friendly, there are various branches of the WI near me, for all ages, but not my scene!

I've made friends in various parts of various countries easily, but found deepest surrey impossible! least friendly place in the world IMO

So if you're usually cheerful and chatty like me don't let the place get you down and don't take it personally

I hear you there, also a SAHM in Surrey it's just not a very easy process. More than anything it would just be nice to have people to do things with/ different conversations but when I talk to other mums and mention how nice it would be to have people to do things with (what could be a more perfect opener?) conversation sort of dries up!
Even the people I already knew who have children won't really meet up for a coffee - it's soul destroying really!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you can travel, do. the closer you get to London the friendlier it gets I found, would have been nice to be able to have a chat/meet up locally though

I'm from the north-east and now live in Surrey, I find it very hard to make friends here because people just aren't as "openly" friendly and welcoming - certainly not compared to the north-east or the dutch (lived out there too).

I ended up helping out at toddler groups and stuff but it was hard going and still really don't have any "real" friends down here, the few I had weren't originally from home counties and ended up moving away

I think there is an 'I can't seem to make friends' thread on average once a week on Mumsnet.
The consolation ?sp is, OP, that you are not alone (as far as being lonely is concerned).

Have you tried the NCT? We have newcomers coffee mornings and regular piss ups meet & greets/mums' nights etc in our town.

I'm in Surrey too and it is a big place. Maybe tell us where exactly you are and we could recommend some friendly groups to go to? How old are your DC?

Also helps to become brazen and develop a thick skin. In a couple of years must've met up with 20 or more mums (all at my invitation, probably around the same number weren't available/interested). Around seven or eight of those seemed hopeful, but sometimes the Dc didn't get on or were different ages, or work meant we couldn't meet up etc. So two "proper" new friends, and a few more that am friendly with but rarely see and don't know v well, which actually isn't bad!

I'm in the south east. And it's interesting to hear that it isn't because of my two heads and scaly skin that some of the mothers I approach look so horrified that I asked them a simple question, but because they are from the home counties!
Although I am a bit concerned that it's not going to be easy making friends. I'll justl keep plugging on and trying. Thanks for the suggestions and I will certainly try some of them, though the cake one might get me kicked out of groups (baking is not my strong point).

I had my first in the Surrey area and did meet one nice person, but in the main, mums were friendly, happy to chat at playgroup but it never seemed to go anywhere and we didn't get many invites. I could have had a complex, but since moving elsewhere, to a more rural county, it's much nicer and I have more invites than I can take up (as working).

Having said that, I did meet one really nice person, so it is a bit luck of the draw, but I felt people were giving mixed messages more and I just didn't appear to fit with the social scene there. That was my experience anyway.

It would be interesting to hear from anyone that is actually from the area and understand why there is this reserve. All I know is that I NEED some mates otherwise I'll go loopy with just my 22 month old for company during the day and a knackered dh in the evening!

But you haven't really narrowed down the area. Surrey is huge. I live in a small market town in Surrey. Moved here with DS1 when heavily pregnant with DS2. Never lived in such a friendly welcoming place. Made so many fabulous friends. However I do not travel across the whole of Surrey. Where exactly are you?

I'm in the kingston area. Anyone from near here?

Well Kingston is BIG! I've only been for shopping at JL etc. I'm in Dorking so south of there. Hmmm what to suggest. Is there a mumsnet local board for Kingston? That might be worth a look. Maybe it's bigger places that are harder to meet people in. Dorking is much smaller and has a real community feel. Good luck. I do hope that you find some friendly folk very soon.

Hi there, I am in Surrey and when my 3 DCs were very small we moved to a smallish village between Guildford and Dorking and making friends was very hard to begin with, so I do feel for you. I joined the local toddler group and for the first half dozen or so sessions NOT ONE person spoke to me, but I persevered and eventually ended up helping out with the refreshments, just to give me something to do and people to speak to. It's such a shame since so many parents attending these places all seem so cliquey but eventually you find some friendly faces. I recall one particular brave mother arriving at the group for the first time and going round each and every adult introducing herself. I thought she was so brave I invited her round for a cuppa that afternoon and now 20 years later we are still buddies. Things improve once the DCs are at nursery, with an opportunity to chat daily to parents. Going to the park/playground regularly is another opportunity to chat to other parents. Good luck, keep at it and hopefully you will meet some nice people. You could always move to Dorking, where tiredteddy and I are from - it's lovely here!!

Go to NCT things every single time. And obviously, volunteer to host some meetings.

I was bloody pushy. If I'd had a reasonable time talking to someone, I said 'It's been great talking, I'd love to meet up for a coffee sometime. Can I give you my number or take yours?' I was cringing inwardly but though some did look as if they thought I was a stalker, an awful lot of really great people bit my hand off.

I would also go home and write down the people I'd met - their name, their children's names (otherwise I tended to call them by their child's name , and anything else I'd learned about them.