I dont want to do this anymore

[frumpet]

DH and i have been married for 9 years this year and i have had enough. However i was diagnosed with depression at the beginning of the year and i am worried that the lack of anything i feel towards DH is as a result of the AD's i am taking .
Dh is not a good parent , i have a son who i had when we met , who has no relationship with DH , they rarely if ever speak . Our daughter who is nearly 10 , has given up trying to get his attention and he says awful things to her , calls her lazy , goes on about her weight , she is overweight but this is to do with medication she needs to take for a medical condition . We have a toddler son , Dh probably spends more time with him as he is 'cute' , but has never bathed him and he is nearly three .
Dh works from home , which i find really difficult , i cant do housework that is noisy between the hours of 9 and 6 , i cant invite people round due to noise. He gets up at 8 and wanders downstairs , does as he pleases and then goes back upstairs to work . When he finishes work he wanders down again and does as he pleases , until i feed him. I work part-time , so two mornings a week he has to get up early , so that i can leave for work . I always have to get him up , he would never think to set his alarm and come down so i wasnt fretting about being late .
On weekends DH goes off and does his own thing , he doesnt ask if it is ok and tbh its easier if he isnt here .
I do everything for the children , the house etc . I do all the gardening , take stuff to the tip , sort the car out , i go to all the school events (dh attends none), all the shopping ,cooking , cleaning ,laundry etc .
Occasionally DH goes away with work and the atmosphere in the house is 100% better .
I have tried to talk to him and explain how hard it is for me , but basically he doesnt do stuff he doesnt want to , and why should he when i do it all for him.

Nope - it's not the medication, it's your husband...who is a selfish, domineering, belittling, self serving waste of heart space.

I bet if you ditch him and go solo, you'll find you feel a whole lot better.

I think if you ditched him you'd find you didn't need the ADs and the depression miraculously lifted. He treats you and the children with contempt, doesn't help around the home, and acts more like a spoilt lodger than a husband. I struggle to see exactly what he's bringing to the party.

He sounds like a total prick. Can you find anything positive to say about him? If not, get some good legal advice about divorce and then kick him out without further ado.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What has kept you within this till now?. Fear, shame, embarrassment?.

I think he is the root cause of you being on ADs; when he is gone out of your day to day lives your mood will lift. Your children won't thank you for remaining with such a selfish person and if you did they would wonder why you put him before them.

What are you going to do re him?. Have you considered divorce?.

To be devastatingly honest, even if you did rediscover your feelings for him I'd say you owe it to your DCs to dump him. He is quite likely a major contributory cause to your depression.

This really isn't what family life is supposed to be about.

Its not the medication its him and i strongly suspect that without him, you wont need the medication! Get rid of him, you are living the life if a single parent anyway and he treats your children like shit, he is a waste of oxygen

Oh god sounds like a living hell for you and the kids. You aren't obliged to stay with somone just because you're married. Get out as soon as you can is my advice

What everyone else said.

He has always been like this , resents spending money on the children even though he earns over 50k, and when i say stuff for the children , things like uniform and shoes etc . I got myself in to debt buying things for the children on credit rather than ask him for the money .
Money is the only thing he brings , although given grudgingly. He does pay all the bills and rent and gives me a housekeeping allowance . But i would far rather be poorer on paper than feel beholden to some one.
Occasionally he will take the youngest to the supermarket with him 'to give me a break' , for an hour , to buy things for himself . I am sure i am supposed to be grateful for this , but i really cant summon up grateful at all .
He goes on about how tired he is , to a woman who does eveything , gets up on average two hours earlier than him every morning and who hasnt had an unbroken nights sleep for over two years and i am supposed to be all ' oh you poor thing , you really do work ever so hard' .
He has worn me down with his negativity , his glass half empty mentality, his lack of generosity of spirit and the fact that he dumps his skiddy pants next to the wash basket instead of in it FGS and for some reason cannot open the bleach that sits next to the toilet and pour a bit in rather than leaving the mother of all poo marks in the loo BOAK.

On a practical level i have looked into getting working tax credits and i would get enough to live on . We rent and the tenancy is in my name , so no hassle about slpitting assets . We , well he , has an isa , he can keep that as he had it pre us . I would want half the other savings , just so i could make a dent in my debts and some sort of monthly financial contribution . If we agreed finances and access amongst ourselves , could we get a cheap divorce ?
Access wont be an issue , he can see them when he wants .

I don't think I've ever advised a poster to 'leave the bastard' before but I really honestly truly think you and your dc will be soo much happier without him.
I think you will give a big sigh of relief once you realise how much easier it is without him around.

frumpet I was about to say to you that you would get tax credits and manage much better on your own. This is really an awful situation to live in, and not good for your children, either your eldest who is ignored or your dd who is criticized. Please just get on with your life with them and get away from him, he's horrible.

When i had been signed off sick from work as a result of my depression , he asked me 'is there anything i can do' , i laughed hysterically for about two hours , couldnt look at him without starting again . I had been crying every day for about six months prior to this , i used to get in the car and go and sit in a layby and sob my heart out , cry in the kitchen , infact cry every where . He asked what was wrong and i explained that i couldnt do it anymore that i really needed his help , told him things he could do to help . Did he do anything , nope he did not , so then when he asked if there was anything he could do , well it was hilarious . He did get a bit cross about my laughing !

OP - if the tenancy agreement is in your name, you are laughing.

Pack his shit, then tell him straight "you're gone pal!"

He will most likely be full of regret and promises, but frankly, if this is how he has seen fit to treat you and your children thus far, there is nothing to salvage...he needs to leave. And stay left.

There would be no love or pity in my heart for someone who cares so little for anyone other than himself. It's a two way street that he has steamrollered down the central reservation of, trampling the lot of you in his wake.

It's unforgivable.

You will feel AMAZING when you have left him!

You will feel free, unhshackled and you will kiss goodbye to depression and ADs.

What a horrible, selfish excuse of a man.

Like Mrs RB, I am sooo not a 'leave the bastard' poster but LEAVE THE BASTARD.

Your children will be 100% more happy and relaxed.

Who the fuck does he think he is presiding over the house and the family like this?

Your children deserve a childhood - not be treated like little pests who have to keep quiet while he arses around in his pants.

Bloody hell Frumpet! If you can organise it, I would separate from him today! It sounds as if he has no redeeming features whatsoever and you sound as though you have already worked out what to do and how to live, so don't delay - the sooner you do it, the sooner you'll feel better! No wonder you are depressed...

Unfortunately i cant kick him out today , although feel giddy just thinking about it ! I need to sort a few things out , little things that will make the kicking out run smoother if you like . But he will be gone by the end of the summer hols , you mark my words.
Thankyou all so much for making me realise that it isnt me , i am not unreasonable to expect , well anything really . I know i will be happier and more relaxed and so will the children.

Oh god you have got to get rid of this man.

One thing though. DON'T leave with any debts. Were these debts run up in the marriage because he kept you short of cash? If so, don't leave with them. Get a good solicitor and get that sorted out beforehand.

Of course you can get him out before then.

Another one here who thinks the ADs may well not be needed once this burden is lifted from you.

Wow. Yea seriously the depression is caused by him. Your children and you will be so much happier without such a nasty negative presence 24-7.

Really glad you have made that decision. All the best, I am sure this will lead to a happier life for you and your children.

Had a quick look round the house , he can take anything he wants as none of it is my taste anyway . He cannot take the childrens furniture as he didnt buy any of it , i or my parents did . Will keep this laptop and a few nicknacks , the rest he can keep . Might start looking at paint charts for when i have my bedroom back!

Imperial , he could argue that i could have asked him for the money , which i could , i just hated the response . If he gives me half the savings , i will only owe a couple of thousand and that is managable , ive worked out i could easily clear it over a couple of years . I also need to check with my credit card company about possibly getting some money back from paying for income protection or whatever its called , so that could reduce the debt even further.
I really cant afford to see a solicitor , have no savings and our finances are separate.

I would tell him you are going on strike. Just don't do any cooking, washing, ironing, get him up in the morning etc... for him. You are not his mother

You know, it actually galls me when people suggest that wives/mothers "go on strike" The OP and other women in similar situations, any SAHM are not their DH/DP's employees! Yes the housework does tend to fall to the person at home but i don't hold with this going on strike stuff. The whole household suffers then. The point is to get these fuckwits to do their fair share or show a bit of gratitude that actually ON TOP of looking after the children, many women do the lions share of the housework.

In this instance the OPs best option is to leave the bastard, and thankfully, it looks like she has seen sense!

Thats not a dig at you crinkle77 as i know where you are coming from, but it just winds me up.

frumpet I dont hae any experience of this, but you can usually get half an hour free consultaion with a solicitor (Womens aid will be able to advise) and if you talk to lots of the lovely mums on here they will help you compile a list of questions so that you get the most from the half an hour. In that consult you will be advised as to whether you may be entitled to legal aid. I would definately be seeking some sort of legal advice though.

You are going to feel so much happier once this is done, you may have a horrible few months to deal with but what is that compared to the rest of your life.

If you go to a solicitor and explain that you are married, that he earns over 50K and you want a divorce but don't have any money at all, he/she will arrange that fees are paid when the finances have been sorted out. Don't worry about that.

You realise he will get a lawyer, don't you? You MUST have one. Please do not let him treat you like this. Also, savings won't necessarily be split 50-50 as you will have a child to care for. There's no way a solicitor will let you leave the relationship with nothing but your debts paid whilst he gets a lump sum.

Please seek legal advice. It will make the world of difference.