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Original poster

money anxiety, how do I help him? (long sorry)

43 replies

wannabedomesticgoddess · 17/07/2012 20:18

I could do with an outside opinion about this...

Today DP told me that anytime he needs to spend money, even £1, he gets a cold sweat and feels anxious. Its affecting us so much. Until last week we were struggling with money but he just seemed to have the same worries I did. But we got quite a substantial amount through this week and its still the same.

I by no means want to go mad with this money. We discussed things we wanted to get with it, but now its here he was acting really evasive. He wouldnt get cash and was acting really weird when I used the card.

Then today it all came to a head and I said I had had enough. He told me that it makes him really anxious to spend it due to something which had happened years ago. I had always known about this period in his life but didnt know it was still affecting him so much.

Its definately not him using money to control me. I know hes not like that. He has made an appointment with his bank to make his account joint with me so that I can access the money myself. I didnt ask him to do this.

Is the only way forward for him to get counselling? He says he is prepared to do this. But is there anything I could do to help him? Has anyone else felt like this and overcome it without counselling? If so, how?

Sorry its so long. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
carernotasaint · 17/07/2012 21:35

If he gets a cold sweat over spending £1 then he seriously needs to get himself some help.
Does he use the boards on the MSE website.

Original poster
wannabedomesticgoddess · 17/07/2012 21:44

No he doesnt use anything like that. It all stems from a time when (through no fault of his own) he found himself homeless.

He has worked all his life and isnt in any debt at all. He admits he has always been careful with money but says that before he was homeless he didnt feel any anxiety at all.

He says he knows hes being irrational but cant help it. Its not just with luxuries either, as I had thought, its even when he has to buy groceries etc. He has kept this all to himself for months.

OP posts:
carernotasaint · 17/07/2012 21:46

Have you been affected by this in that you have had to go without essentials because of it?

Original poster
wannabedomesticgoddess · 17/07/2012 22:27

Not yet as all the money we have had has been through my account. But in the very near future he is going to be supporting us all. I'm worried about that. But I'm more worried about his anxiety and stress levels really.

OP posts:
Notoutorabout · 17/07/2012 22:44

Poor guy, that must be awful for him and for you. It sounds like a normal reaction to a traumatic experience.

Would say that counselling is the way forward - I think that cognitive behavioural therapy is the approach that helps to retire your thought patterns, so that whenever he has to spend money, he doen't get the anxiety reaction. The GP is the way to access it on the NHS? You could look it up on the web also.

Notoutorabout · 17/07/2012 22:45

Rewire, not retire! Maybe I should retire....

carernotasaint · 17/07/2012 22:49

I second what Notout says. Counselling is the way to go as he has had a traumatic experience.

MattDamonIsMyLover · 17/07/2012 22:50

Are you sure he doesn't have any debts? Gambling? It's strange you've known him for a while but he managed to keep this quiet and it's emerging when it's time for him to support you. BTW I'm saying this in a nice way, not being mean, just that he might be in more difficulty than he is telling you.

joblot · 17/07/2012 22:52

Money saving expert website and forums are excellent. They might help him manage his anxieties and budget

ImperialBlether · 17/07/2012 22:52

I'm a bit concerned you are sharing a bank account with him, to be honest.

Could you have one for yourself and one shared with him?

carernotasaint · 17/07/2012 23:00

joblot sometimes that site makes things worse.
forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2690837&highlight=is+this+miserly+or+just+moneysaving

Original poster
wannabedomesticgoddess · 17/07/2012 23:00

I know hes definately not in debt. We had very little money lately and his bills were all going through my account. He has also been approved for a car loan through his bank so I know he has a good credit score.

Hes not gambling either. When I had control of the money none disappeared. He doesnt drink at all. Never taken drugs so its not that either.

Hes always been very supportive etc, happy to support us all even though my DD isnt his. Hes told me he even gets anxious in the supermarket but didnt tell me because he knows its not logical.

Hes made a GP appointment for monday about something else so Im going to suggest he mentions this. But tbh we can afford the therapy ourselves so I might try to get him to seek it out privately. But even the cost of that will make him anxious. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
wannabedomesticgoddess · 17/07/2012 23:03

I will still have my account Imperial, just going to be joint with him to have access to his. He wants me to use it for all the bills and anything we need. Then my account will be a back up with all my CB etc going in.

OP posts:
joblot · 17/07/2012 23:05

No site is perfect- apart from mn of course- but Mse is accessible and has useful tools for money management. There are a range of tossers on the forums carer I agree, you have to ignore them if you can

ImperialBlether · 17/07/2012 23:13

Although MSE is a fantastic site in so many ways, you really couldn't make up some of the comments in the forum. Worst are the men, IMO. Their tightfistedness is renowned.

carernotasaint · 17/07/2012 23:16

Agree 100% Imperial as is demonstrated in my link.

MattDamonIsMyLover · 17/07/2012 23:17

Wannabe - you have the money for private therapy? You said you were struggling with money. CBT, if that's what the GP and your DP think would be needed, can take 6-10-20 sessions, that's a lot of money.

carernotasaint · 17/07/2012 23:20

A lot of the men on that site are very mysogynistic too. They dont like their wives spending money and then in the next breath moan that their wife is looking scruffy. Some of them dont want to acknowledge that looking good costs money and absolutely refuse to see the connection between the two.

Original poster
wannabedomesticgoddess · 17/07/2012 23:27

We had problems with money (and other things) since january. But due to all that some compensation has now came through, hence being able to afford therapy.

I also think that the stress we have been through this year which is ongoing, has stirred this up and thats why its only becoming so bad now he has had to tell me.

Its also not helping that I am going to my gp to discuss the fact I think I have AND.

We have had so much stress. Its all been on his shoulders. I feel so bad. :(

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 17/07/2012 23:27

Yes, kind of "What the hell do you want a bra for? Can't you just walk round holding your tits up, you lazy woman? Honestly, some women just milk men dry!"

carernotasaint · 17/07/2012 23:30

xx
Sorry to hear of what youve been through Wanna.
Sorry to sound a bit thick tonight but whats AND?

ImperialBlether · 17/07/2012 23:31

And every so often you think, this MUST be an Mumsnetter (in response to a woman being told she shouldn't drive far because of the cost of petrol):

"At one point OH was a SAHD and i wuld nt dream of limiting how far he drove or what he did. If my OH dared say something similar to me I would probably be tempted to drive arund and around a 1 mile loop and empty all the fuel from his car"

Anyone going to own up to it?

Original poster
wannabedomesticgoddess · 17/07/2012 23:37

Ante natal depression.

I have heard a lot about the MSE forums and dont like the sound of them. I couldnt live with a man who controlled every penny like that.

:o Imperial!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 17/07/2012 23:39

They are brilliant at giving advice on there but do like to blame you for whatever it is you've done. I've noticed that particularly with the men. I don't want to sound like I dislike men as I don't, but there's a particular type on there who definitely feel better if they've made someone else feel worse.

carernotasaint · 17/07/2012 23:44

Imperial ive experienced a financially abusive relationship with my ex OM. Im on that MSE thread as Dark Lady.
I used to use the mse forums but barely touch them since joining MN last summer. I just go on there for the occasional nosy now and unfortunately it hasnt got any better.