money anxiety, how do I help him? (long sorry)

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

I could do with an outside opinion about this...

Today DP told me that anytime he needs to spend money, even £1, he gets a cold sweat and feels anxious. Its affecting us so much. Until last week we were struggling with money but he just seemed to have the same worries I did. But we got quite a substantial amount through this week and its still the same.

I by no means want to go mad with this money. We discussed things we wanted to get with it, but now its here he was acting really evasive. He wouldnt get cash and was acting really weird when I used the card.

Then today it all came to a head and I said I had had enough. He told me that it makes him really anxious to spend it due to something which had happened years ago. I had always known about this period in his life but didnt know it was still affecting him so much.

Its definately not him using money to control me. I know hes not like that. He has made an appointment with his bank to make his account joint with me so that I can access the money myself. I didnt ask him to do this.

Is the only way forward for him to get counselling? He says he is prepared to do this. But is there anything I could do to help him? Has anyone else felt like this and overcome it without counselling? If so, how?

Sorry its so long. Thanks in advance.

Do you think it would help if you both sat down and worked out all your income and outgoings, showing where all the money is going and what money isn't accounted for? This might help him relax a little and realise there is a £1 here or there to splurge on Polos or a newspaper.

Yes, once you find MN, no other forums are necessary! Glad you got rid of the abusive man - met anyone nicer?

Im still in my sexless marriage at the mo. I got a lot of support when i posted here last summer including from you Imperial which i will always be grateful for.
Im tackling the weight though. 1 stone 9 off since Feb which isnt a lot but i seem to be losing more in inches. Ive gone from a 38 bra size to a 34 but the cup size has gone up from HH to JJ.
Apparently thats what happens at first and then the cup size starts to slowly go down though last time i went from a 46 G to a 34 F so i think im meant to be big in that department lol.

We have done that Radio. He admits himself its entirely illogical and that even things he knows he needs to buy like electric (meter) makes him anxious.

His temporary solution from our talk earlier is to give me control of the money day to day and we just discuss big things. He says if I buy him clothes he wont mind but its the actual buying of them he cant do.

Personally I think not being in control will make him worse. But I just have to try it I guess.

I think getting professional help is probably the only thing to do.

Thanks for all your replies.

Thats really good carer, that much since feb is a good healthy slow way to lose weight :)

getting the proffessional help is a good idea. Its a good sign that he is willing to face the problem and do something about it.
Sorry that i hijacked your thread slightly Wanna x

Thanks Wanna x

Hijack away :o

" But is there anything I could do to help him?"

If he's experiencing extreme insecurity the best way to counteract it is to create some security. Financially speaking, that means savings and assets. If you've been living on very little up until recently but got a lot of money recently does that mean your income is very up and down? If so, my concern is that counselling or medical treatment will only go so far.

I'd suggest you set up a savings account. However much money you get each week, make sure you put some in the savings account and start building up a balance. This should make him feel less on edge knowing that there is a safety-net.

Another way to make him feel more secure would be if your income was regular. If wages are variable, do you receive anything steady like Tax Credits or Housing Benefit? A regular income enables you to plan ahead and create a budget - two things that would make him more confident that it's OK to spend as long as he stays within the agreed limits.

I was exactly the same when I was depressed. Spending 50p felt like the end of the world. We were in trouble financially at the time but not so much that I couldn't spend 50p!

The way I solved it was by going to the Dr and starting on ADs (at DH's insistence - I was too ill to see I needed it), and letting DH control all the money. I would ask him if I could spend £3 and patient saint that he is he would tell me that yes, it was ok, and I didn't need to worry. I trusted him, and I realised my own thinking was fucked up so it worked. Every so often he let me talk at length about my worries (all of which were way over the top) and then he would say "Ok, you feel that way, that's fine, you won't feel like that forever, and in the meantime I'm taking care of the money so no need to worry."

I did get over it. I'm still very careful with money but not ridiculously so.

Was he single when he became homeless wanna?

Counselling might also help him. For me the money worries weren't really what was wrong, I just used money as a way of focusing my anxiety. For him it might be more about the money because of his past. I'm guessing he has huge feelings of shame around being homeless. Could you talk to him a bit about it?

I think that counselling for anxiety might help him, I also agree that building up some savings might help him feel a bit more secure.

We've had money troubles in the past and tend to live month to month with unexpected bills throwing us. No savings to speak of and no access to credit. Last year my gran (now deceased) gave us £1000 with the idea that we could treat ourselves to something. I found it practically impossible to spend it because it represented security that we haven't had in years.

It has dwindled a little. We had an unexpected legal bill and we've bought a few bits and pieces for the baby from it. But I'm reluctant to spend from it - even on things that aren't frivolous. Because I don't want to lose that security of not having to turn to relatives for money when unexpected bills appear. I expect I will get more confident with money towards the end of this year and next, as we should come to the end of paying off old debts and our income will be a little higher with child tax credits. So we shoud be able to put money aside each month for the irregular bills and for presents etc. The idea of savings being replenishable may make me less anxious.

If you've been in a place with no financial cushion then I think its reasonable to keep some of the unexpected money to oneside for a rainy day if you don't otherwise have savings. Obviously being anxious about spending £1 is something that he needs help with. It's finding a reasonable compromise between saving/spending that makes sense for both of you.

Having been technically homeless (though not on the streets) I can sympathise that he's frightened of it happening again. I guess this is another time where 'The thing you are most afraid of is what you have already survived' applies here. Counselling could well be helpful here.

Do you mind me asking how he managed before he met you? This is waving all kinds of red flags for me!

He is not being abusive if thats what you mean olgaga. I know all the signs. I have been through it before. He is genuine in this.

I agree that its probably not the money and that it stems from the feelings of being homeless. It was his gf at the time who caused it all and I have heard what happened from a few different people so I know hes telling the truth about that.

We talked last night and he has agreed that he needs to see someone about it.

Also, we both intend to start building back up our savings. This was always our intention as I am also careful with money.

Our income has been up and down due to everything that has happened since january (the worst run of luck you could think of) and although I do get "dependable" income even that was affected. It really has been awful and I think we will feel the affects for a long time. He has a new job now which is much more reliable.

Thanks for all the advice. I think I just needed to see it all written down to get my head around it.

Can I suggest something else? Having been almost evicted many years ago and having spent quite a long time on the wrong side of skint I do recognise the feeling of insecurity. In my case I tried ignoring bank statements etc. because reading them was painful. In his case he's getting you to look after the money. Avoiding the problem won't help.

It was only by getting into a routine of managing the money very closely, logging spending, monitoring bank accounts on a daily basis and so on that things started to improve and the stress lifted. The numbers on the statements didn't look any better for a long time but at least I felt in charge of my own destiny. I would recommend that you do the same thing together.

Well it may be that he is suffering a form of OCD, so he may be able to get some therapy/help for that:

www.brainphysics.com/oc-personality.php

Often people who are obsessively mean with money end up making irrational decisions which compound their problems!

I agree cogito. I dont think he should put me in control. I like to be in control so its not that I dont want to do it. But I have said that I think he is just ignoring the problem by doing this and he says he will address the problem but in the meantine he doesnt want me to be affected.

I think we are going to have to get counselling and then alongside that do as you say. Make him look at the money. Do our budgets etc together.

Thanks for the link olgaga. He isnt "mean" with money though.

Saying he was being "mean" with money was just my shorthand, I wasn't trying to be insulting. However you want to describe this problem is fine by me, but you did ask for an outside opinion!