Found out i was pregnant unexpectedly and then miscarried all in the same week. Want to try again but DP doesn't. I feel heartbroken.

[totallyheadfunked]

Title says it all really. We weren't planning or trying to get pregnant but somehow one got through and I found out last Tuesday that I was about 6 weeks pregnant. A scan the following day out me at 6 weeks +6. Saw a tiny heartbeat, it was the most amazing thing ever.

Unfortunately the day after the scan I started bleeding and it didn't stop. Ended up in A and E on Saturday night having a miscarriage.

I'm devastated. I didn't really know I wanted to have a baby but now this has happened its all I can think about. DP's point of view is that we weren't trying and it wasn't part of the plan at the moment so we should just wait until if/when we both actively want to TTC.

I should add, we don't live together yet.

When I found out I was pregnant I was so happy and I kind of hit fast forward in my mind to the bigger house, us living together, our child, etc. But DP (BF?) wants everything to go back to how it was before. Us still living in our separate places, seeing each other often, hanging out with his DD when he has her, etc.

I mean everything was good between us before this happened. But I just don't know how I can go back to normal after all this. I realise I'm probably a bit traumatised and not thinking very rationally right now. But I'm so worried that it's thrown up this massive issue where we now both want different things. I want to try for a baby and move in together, he doesn't. And recent events haven't changed that.

Am I about to lose my relationship as well as my baby? I'm feeling about as shit as its possible to feel right now. I'm desperately sad and nothing I do makes me feel any better. I just want someone to tell emits all going to be okay and no one can.

Don't really have much advice but just wanted to say how sorry I am.

Also, maybe he's upset by it too and afraid of it happening again?

You need to sit down and talk openly if possible, be honest about your feelings, of course this has changed you. Take care

How long as he been your boyfriend? Is he divorced? How old is his dd?

You have just lost your baby you and your DP are grieving. Neither of you are right. I would take sometime to come to terms with your loss before making decisions about moving in or splitting.
Deal with this and then think about what you want/need from the relationship.
You probably feel you ha e lost a baby and the future you had in mind all at once. Dp is grieving too. You both just need sometime.
Do you have anyone in RL you can speak to?

hi there
very sorry you have gone through this.. i experienced this last month. similar, unplanned pregnancy, not living together, miscarriage, however difference being i had just split from partner. i have to say fast forward 6 or so weeks, i am feeling a little better. you go through all of the emotions of being pregnant and feel pregnant, then it is lost literally overnight. You will still have pregnancy hormones in your body. It is very common with first pregnancy.
Things will settle down and i would just ride things out for a while until your emotions settle a little. hope you are ok. i truly understand. I did lose baby and relationship (it was abusive however so for the best) but you do recover albeit slowly

We've been together just over 18 months. His DD is nearly 5. Not divorced, but his ex left him a couple of years ago. There was no one else involved or anything, she just decided she wanted out.

I met him very soon after it all happened and for the first year of our relationship he was pretty traumatised. He's super cautious about moving forward in our relationship. Ive tried to be respectful of that as i know how devastated he was by the break up of his family. And because things were so good between us and i love him, i was happy to take things at a pace hes been comfortable with.

We have been moving in the right direction. Although probably much more slowly than i'd like.

To his credit when I told him I was pregnant he was happy about it and was absolutely going to step up to the plate and do the right thing by us.

I just can't see how I can go back to normal now. As if it never happened. I'm really hurt that he feels like he can. My hormones and emotions are all of the place and I'm worried about making a rash decision that I'll regret later. But right now I feel like telling him to fuck right off.

I swing between wanting to cling to him like a limpet and wanting to punch him in the face for not giving me what I want.

I feel crazy with grief and shock. I love him but he's hurting me and for that I hate him.

Oh no totally I'm so sorry - I was lurking on your previous thread and it's so sad to have ended this way.

I think that maybe you just need some time to come to terms with what's happened, you might then be in a better place to sit down and talk with BF about the future, and what both of you see in this?

Try not to do anything rash, you must be in a really weird and horrible place at the moment, but it might not help you later if you regret anything you do now?

yes you do hate him at the moment, you lost a baby and feel he has taken the rest.
But he hasn't. It was a plan in place for a few days and shin circumstances have changed. This may be his reaction to the loss of the baby.
You are angry in general and its easier to blame him as there is no one to blame for the loss of your child.

I'm so sorry this has happened, I posted a few times on your other thread.

I think you both need to give yourselves a little bit of time to come to terms with what has happened before you make any decisions. I know it's easier said than done, I had a miscarriage last year & knew the only thing that would even begin to make it alright was another pregnancy.

It's all far too soon & too raw to process at the moment, give yourselves some time & TLC & see how you feel in a week or two. It's been a hell of a week for both of you & you need to get onto more of an even keel before you can think straight.

Again, so sorry this has happened.

I just wish none of this had ever happened. I'm so sad. I just saw he posted a link to something jokey on Facebook. I'm at home, bleeding, and keep randomly bursting into tears. He can post a joke on fucking Facebook. Is he being a cunt or am I in danger of massively overreacting?

I'm going to my dads for a couple of days because im worried if I stay at my BF's I'll lose the plot and say or do something I'll regret. I want to be with him every second of every day and yet I can't bear to be around him.

He's had his DD the whole time this has been going on. So we've barely had a few snatched hours after she goes to bed to talk. We're just never fucking alone. Ever. His DD is always there (his DD's mum is shit and can't be bothered but that's a whole other thread).

I just wish for once he'd put me first. But even when I was calling him from A&E crying, he couldn't come and be with me cos he had his DD.

Fuck. I know I'm ranting and probably coming across as a massive bitch. I'm just in so much pain and I can't make it stop.

Yes you are overreacting to his FB post - but understandably so. You are not a 'massive bitch' - you are someone in great pain who cannot contain their feelings of rage and desolation.

Am so sorry for what happened with your pregnancy - and that you are feeling desperately

Your dp doesn't sound like a bad person. He is in shock and grieving too.

He is also only being honest about what he wants. He actually sounds pretty sensible to me to be taking his time after a failed marriage - and concentrating on his daughter.

You definitely need to take time to come to terms with this and to try to see the woods for the trees before making decisions. Great that you are getting away.

I am sorry this has happened. Neither of you should be making any decisions now.

I honestly believe that after a miscarriage it takes 3-6 months for your hormones/emotions to calm sufficiently to make rational decisions.

I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks felt physically okay but 3 months later I had a huge emotional reaction and was a tearful wreck for a whole week.

What I am trying to say is, don't make any decisions, both of you be kind to each other, for as long as it takes. Give yourselves time to grieve properly so that you are both on an even keel.

Perhaps promise yourself that you will talk about all the issues this has raised, but not yet, and not for a few months.

Look after yourself

Oh, bless your heart, you poor thing. I don't really have anything helpful to say other than take your time, it's a lot to process. I was on your other thread and I am so sorry for your loss.

Yes you are over reacting, by that's fine. And you suspect you are. You are angry. You have lost your child. Its ok to be angry.

DPrince Why do you say that the OP's DP/BF is grieving? It sounds more as if he is relieved by what happened. He was prepared to do 'the right thing' but it was a mistake and now it's been put right, as far as he is concerned. He's not the one who's overwhelmed with pregnancy hormones. And also he's a lot less sure about the relationship. Understandably, given his history. He's not ready for that sort of commitment.

OP. I'm very sorry this has happened to you. I don't think you are in a state to make any decisions until your body has settled down. I don't think things will go back to how they were because this has highlighted your different expectations. But it doesn't necessarily have to be the end if you decide that the relationship is worth persevering with and he may come to realise that he does want the same things as you, just a question of timing.

I just want my baby :(

Thank you for all your kind words.

Proudnscary thank you, I needed to hear that. He's not a bad person at all. And yes, he probably is doing the sensible thing by not getting into something before hes emotionally ready. I'm just panicking now because I don't know how much longer I can wait really. I need the commitment and the baby and all that stuff But then the thought of ever not being with him makes me feel sick.

Thanks to everyone who was on my other thread. That feels like a lifetime ago. I'm sorry there wasn't a happier ending.

Thymeout you've hit the nail on the head with everything.

totally I was in a very similar position early last year except me and DP have lived together for about five years. We weren't ttc and I found out I was pregnant when I miscarried. I was absolutely heartbroken, a baby is all that I have wanted and I hadn't even known I was pregnant. I was about 6 weeks along and was just so desperately sad.

DP showed very little emotion about it and I felt sad about that and then angry. About a month afterwards we had a massive row about nothing because I couldn't deal with how I had ended up hating him for not being as sad as I was about losing the baby. I actually posted a thread here as I left to stay in a hotel because I was Just So Sad.

It's horrible, what you are going through. In my case, DP apologised and said he just didn't know how to handle it, he didn't think a baby at that time in our lives was a good idea and he was devastated that I felt so awful about the mc,he hated seeing me hurting but didn't know how to make it better, especially as he didn't feel the same way. We got through it, but only because I made a big effort to see it from his point of view. If it had been at any other point in our lives then I don't think I could have forgiven him.

Have you spoken to him and just told him how you feel? It was a big deal for me to tell DP because I felt like he should already know and respond appropriately.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this OP. It is horrible, but perhaps your DP is suffering a bit too and just doesn't know how to tell you?

I honestly believe that after a miscarriage it takes 3-6 months for your hormones/emotions to calm sufficiently to make rational decisions.

This as well. I have never been an angry person, but after that mc my temper was so close to breaking point all the time that I scared myself. Then I had another in late September and it was exactly the same. I feel that I didn't feel 'normal' until May/June, although there were other contributing factors.

Look after yourself, OP. It is completely reasonable for you to experience the grieving process IMO.

I asked him if he was relieved to be 'off the hook' and he said no and I was being a bit mean to ask him that (which I was I guess).

The thing is, hes a biologist and knows all about the body and everything. Plus his ex had a miscarriage when they were together so he says that he wasn't really letting himself think about the pregnancy as a baby, because he was aware of what could go wrong, etc. Hes infuriatingly rational.

And because he couldn't come to the hospital with me, he didn't even see all the horrid trauma. Me on a ward in a hospital gown. Speculum. A consultant pulling the remains of our baby out of my cervix with a pair of tweezers. He didn't see any of that. He was at home in bed with his gorgeous, perfect, alive DD. I'm jealous and fucking furious that I have to feel all these feelings on my own.

thyme because HE has lost a baby too. By would it be so strange for him to grieve.
He may not be grieving in the way the OP is but that doesn't mean he is not.

OP this anger is normal. To be jealous he has a dd and you don't is normal.
But I think you need to take step back, because you may end up saying something you regret. Something that in a less stressful situation would horrify you.
Please give yourself some time and some r&R.
When I mc I couldn't stand to be around pg women or kids, for a while. Its so hard and you have my sympathy.

Oh, you poor thing. I remember the speculum and the removal of the "products of conception" very well, and it's a horrible horrible thing to go through.
The other guys are right about taking a step back and letting your raw emotions and hormones settle. I was a mess for a few months after, but eventually I could view the MC in the same way your partner is.

Also, he's not ruled it out for the future, has he? I think that given some time, you can talk about TTC again. I'm a bit like your DP - v rational - but this doesn't mean he's not hurting. However, he's somewhat cushioned from the impact by not being the person who was pregnant and then lost the PG.
Really - do give it some time. Talk rationally to him about your sadness.

You say he was pleased initially - well, that's probably his genuine reaction.

You mentioned that you'd fast-forwarded.....and of course if the pregnancy had continued, you'd have kept on fast-forward. However, sadly, it didn't make it and now those relationship plans of yours are back to normal speed....this doesn't mean they're paused.

Just take some time to process the shock - give yourself something to look forward to each week, each month, and you WILL start to come out of this.

When I had been with DH for a short time I got pg. He was pleased etc but we didn't live in the same country, let alone together. We planned to get married and live together then at 4 months I mced. It was devastating and awful and it took a long time for me to get over it. I wanted to TTC again immediately. He refused to do so until we had some proper plans in place, and he was 100% right. We got married, moved in together and 2 years after the MC we had DS. It was just the right time and any sooner would have been replacing the lost baby which would have been wrong.

Take heart that he was pleased about the baby, he would like to have a child with you, and this has crystallised how you feel about each other. Don't expect him to feel the same way as you about the MC, he just won't. Don't be angry with him for that. Take care of yourself, you will start to feel better I promise, but it takes a little time. I'm so sorry for your loss xxx

ErikNorseman speaks the truth here.