Found out i was pregnant unexpectedly and then miscarried all in the same week. Want to try again but DP doesn't. I feel heartbroken.

[totallyheadfunked]

Title says it all really. We weren't planning or trying to get pregnant but somehow one got through and I found out last Tuesday that I was about 6 weeks pregnant. A scan the following day out me at 6 weeks +6. Saw a tiny heartbeat, it was the most amazing thing ever.

Unfortunately the day after the scan I started bleeding and it didn't stop. Ended up in A and E on Saturday night having a miscarriage.

I'm devastated. I didn't really know I wanted to have a baby but now this has happened its all I can think about. DP's point of view is that we weren't trying and it wasn't part of the plan at the moment so we should just wait until if/when we both actively want to TTC.

I should add, we don't live together yet.

When I found out I was pregnant I was so happy and I kind of hit fast forward in my mind to the bigger house, us living together, our child, etc. But DP (BF?) wants everything to go back to how it was before. Us still living in our separate places, seeing each other often, hanging out with his DD when he has her, etc.

I mean everything was good between us before this happened. But I just don't know how I can go back to normal after all this. I realise I'm probably a bit traumatised and not thinking very rationally right now. But I'm so worried that it's thrown up this massive issue where we now both want different things. I want to try for a baby and move in together, he doesn't. And recent events haven't changed that.

Am I about to lose my relationship as well as my baby? I'm feeling about as shit as its possible to feel right now. I'm desperately sad and nothing I do makes me feel any better. I just want someone to tell emits all going to be okay and no one can.

Oh dear.

Poor thing.

Terrible stuff.

Oh sweetheart I was on your other thread. I am so so sorry for your loss of course you are angry and jealous you have every right to be. I second everything everyone else has said try not to make any rash decisions, give yourself time, be gentle with yourself and then talk calmly with your partner. Sounds crazy but I found hot showers really helped, they eased the pain and the bleeding and they were somewhere I could just sob. Xxx

A miscarriage on its own can be extremely traumatic, let alone your uncertainty about your relationship. You might find the information here helpful:

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/support/feelings-after-pregnancy-loss/

His DD is always there...I just wish for once he'd put me first. But even when I was calling him from A&E crying, he couldn't come and be with me cos he had his DD.

I think that's always going to be the case - tbh it doesn't really sound as though you and your partner are on the same page at all.

I think you need to give yourself some time and space. I would certainly let him get the divorce and arrangements for finance and children out of the way before you start making any long-term plans.

I know it'll always be the case that his DD's there. When I haven't just miscarried I'm normally very accepting of the circumstances. I'm just angry at the situation. It couldn't be helped, but why did it have to fucking happen on a weekend that he was looking after her? Why couldn't it have happened on a weekend when he could have been able to be with me?

It's like everything conspired to be about as shit as it possibly could be.

But yes, I am very worried we're now not on the same page. I don't know how to begin sorting through all my feelings. I swing between thinking I should end the relationship to thinking once my emotions and hormones have settled down, maybe things will get back to normal and we can carry on seeing how it goes and taking things at the right pace.

I don't know.

He's not divorcing though. He was never married to his ex. Money and house and everything is all sorted out nice and neatly. The only thing is that his ex keeps pissing off and dumping her DD with him. In the past month her mum's only had her for 3 or 4 days in total. The rest of the time he's been looking after her at his place. Normally it's fine but at the moment I find being around his DD incredibly upsetting and stressful. And I feel awful about that.

But like I said, his Dd's crap mum is a whole other thread.

It just makes me furious that she had his child, this beautiful daughter, and she can't be fucked.

And I really, really wanted this baby and I lost it. I would have never pissed off for a month at a time and left it.

It's all so fucking unfair and I feel completely helpless.

Poor you, I do feel for you. If it's any consolation I could hardly speak to anyone for a fortnight, I was so shattered. I couldn't believe a miscarriage so early (I was about 8 weeks) would have such a terrible effect until it happened to me.

Do try to put the issues about your relationship to one side and just focus on your well-being. Try not to upset yourself with all the "what ifs". See your GP if it carries on, you may need some help. Why not try the Miscarriage Association helpline tomorrow morning? You might find it helps to talk to someone who understands what you're going through.

01924 200 799

Just wondering if adding to your thread will make it reappear on the Relationships board...

Looks like it worked, thanks izzy. Will try that number tomorrow olgaga.

I think I'm particularly angry with him because he wasn't there when it happened. I know that's a bit unfair because circumstances meant it would've been really difficult for him to be there. But I need to get over it or make peace with it because I can't stop picking the same argument and I know it's damaging.

OP, Erik has talked a lot of sense - please re-read that post - and it's concerning that you think thyme has hit the nail on the head. I don't think you are right about that at all. I think his/her take on things is quite cynical and harsh on your partner and not what you need to hear (though it might be what you want to).

Your partner sounds like a good guy. He's a good dad, and will be to your children in the future if you don't push him away. It sounds like you want to at the moment, and that's totally understandable. Not saying your feelings aren't real, but you cannot overestimate the influence of the hormones. You are bound to grieve.

You are angry at the world and thrashing around for someone to blame. It's nobody's fault - not yours, not your dp's, not his daughter's, not her mum's. It's a horrible time but things will get better. Try not to trash what sounds like a good relationship over this. You worry you are not on the same page, but you couldn't be right now. You've lost a pregnancy, he hasn't in the same way. It wasn't his body that was involved. You were on the same page before you found out you were pregnant, and he welcomed the baby, even if it was unplanned.

You really need to let the dust settle before you can work out the bigger picture, it's only fair on both of you.

So sorry this happened to you. xx

Thank you tired.

Thrashing around is a good description. The inside of my head is very noisy right now.

This thread has been really helpful, thank you.

Oh honey :(

I lurked on your prev thread too. I don't really have anything very constructive to say other than that I am so very sorry for what has happened. I know you must be feeling very angry towards your DP right now but remember that at the moment your emotions and feelings are fogged with grief and you are very angry with the situation. I would be too.

Do you have a friend who can be with you at this time?

Totally I don't have any advice but I posted on you previous post and just wanted to say how sorry I am for you. There is no correct way to act after this, for him or you. Do take care of yourself, and don't be afraid to talk about your feelings, it won't help to bottle it up.

Tired I wasn't intending to be either harsh or cynical about the OP's BF/DP.
I don't want to offend other posters, many of whom have themselves suffered miscarriages, but you must be aware that even many women/girls, not to mention reluctant fathers, feel relief at the end of a pregnancy in its early stages. For some it is a tragedy, the loss of a much wanted baby. But for others it's the end of an unwanted pregnancy. And both are valid reactions, depending on circumstances, not something to be judgemental about. I'm really sorry if I'm hurting anyone's feelings, but that's just the way it is. Otherwise no one would ever have a termination.

I don't know where the OP's BF/DP falls on the spectrum. He sounds like a decent bloke. OP says he was happy about it but she was worried about telling him. And it was unplanned and I'm not sure it had even been discussed as a future possibility(?). Everything else points to the fact that he had not reached that stage in the relationship. For the OP, the baby was part of a joint future, as she has described in her post. For him, it may well have been more "Whoah! I've got enough on my plate as it is." But he went along with it because he cares about the OP.

It's v sad for her that he isn't as upset as she is and also that he wasn't able to be physically there for her when she needed him, because it has highlighted aspects of the relationship which the OP was being patient and understanding about. But when she needed some understanding, it wasn't available. Not because he's a bad man, but because of how things are.

I agree that Erik's post is the one to remember. There could be a right time further down the line. And when OP has had some time to recover she may find that she will be prepared to wait. Or he might be jolted into making some concrete plans for a joint future. Too early to say. And now is definitely not the time for making decisions. A good idea to give yourself some space, OP and I do hope you'll soon be in a better place.

Hi op just popping by to say I've been thinking of you. How are you doing? Daft question I know but I hope you are doing as well as you can be. X

Slightly different name here as I had weird issues with my login. Thanks for checking in on me Mama1980. I'm up and down really. Each day that passes I feel like I'm gaining a bit more perspective on things. I don't feel as hopeless as I did at the beginning of the week. But I think it'll be a while before I feel properly 'ok' again.

Just trying to be kind to myself and not take things out on DP too much.

Everyone on this thread was such a big help. Huge thank yous.

i am glad you are feeling better even if its a tiny bit.
I think sometimes we almost feel we shouldn't be that upset when a mc occurs. I know I did, I kept thinking 'why are you sad you only knew a couple of days, it was only a few cells' then a friend said to that it was ok to be sad, that I had lost a child no matter how far along or long I knew. It was my child.
It was then I realised it was ok to be sad and grieve. And it helped. I wasn't at war with myself.
You need to deal with these emotions and then go from there. Give yourself time and allow yourself to be sad, angry whatever you need to feel.
We are here if you need us.

Hi another one checking up and pleased to hear you're feeling a little different - I know that "better" isn't quite the right word!

Time is what you need - time to let those hormones settle, time to grieve. It's a very different kind of bereavement.

Take care of yourself, get plenty of rest.

what were your issues with your log in?

I'm sure HQ could shed some light on the matter if you asked them...

shine's right. why not start a thread in site stuff?