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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wet pants

71 replies

ineedamiracle · 17/07/2012 00:42

My OH is sleeping soundly next to me. His iPhone is on the charging unit next to him. A Facebook message just popped up on the screen "my pants are soaking thinking of you tonight".

Numb.

OP posts:

Mumsyblouse · 17/07/2012 09:08

I would not be happy about this, what on earth is she up to, and him for that matter? No-one texts me dirty texts in the middle of the night, and I am a friendly person in touch with old mates.

For some reason, which he and you might like to discuss, she either is a bit strange/inappropriate, and/or she thinks she stands a chance. If not, and you believe he has done nothing wrong, then she still needs to be blocked/out of your lives.

It is not ok to have a friend who does this, she is invading your privacy at home and needs to disappear.

If your husband is more concerned with keeping the friendship than getting away from her/protecting your feelings, that will tell you something.

I also think it's odd this is the second time it has happened, which makes me think he is not as straightforward as you would like- why would women keep texting him inappropriate or weird things?

cocolepew · 17/07/2012 11:18

"These women"? I thought it was only her?

Its her not him. I actually know someone who would do things like this when shes drunk .
Ask him to block her.

Good luck

foolonthehill · 17/07/2012 11:27

I have a mad friend (and I use the word mad advisedly) when she is having an "episode" she is capable of doing the above and worse to anyone...me, married men, other friends....

the recipient can be completely innocent.

I would only be if he refused to block her or started being secretive with phone etc.

hope you are ok op

MadAboutHotChoc · 17/07/2012 11:31

Coco - read her post at 1:33am, its not the first time this has happened...

pictish · 17/07/2012 11:37

Tell him you want her blocked...if he refuses, there's your answer.

Original poster

ineedamiracle · 17/07/2012 11:51

Hi, I'm ok thanks (coffee with RL friend helped). I'm not sure what to think - part of me wants to laugh it off and just ask him to block her (they went to school together - and weren't even that friendly then, she sat behind him in technology or some other lesson that I might not have been paying attention to when he told me ages ago). The other part of me is on full alert (over analysing everything - she put kisses on her messages, he didn't. Although that shouldn't bother me as I put kisses on all of my messages).
I don't want to compare him to my exH, and I'm reasonably confident that he wouldn't cheat (however, I'd have said that about exH too!). I think he is a bit lacking in his knowledge of how some women work - I remember him being totally shocked how many women stopped speaking to him when we got together, like they'd all given up trying to impress him!

We're tidying out my "Monica" cupboard tonight (rock n roll) so will have chance to chat - every conversation we have, his son seems to think has to involve him but once he's in bed I'll start with something like "I'd really feel more comfortable if you weren't friends with her" and see where we get.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 17/07/2012 12:05

My DP had something similar and so have i.

I helped an old friend whilst going through alcoholism and he (in hisconfused thinking state) saw this as me coming on to him. He salked me and caused trouble for me. My BF at the time, luckily enough believed me. This included 'sexy' txs and late night calls (always when he was drunk).

My DP got a friend requests off an old friend and accepted it. In a short while she was flirting and laying it on a plate. He did block her and won't get into conversation about her. She had told her friends that there was a mutual attraction. He happily showed me the messages between them and knowing him, i could see that he was keeping her at arms length, but trying to be polite (we have a lot of mutual friends).

Sometimes you can get unwanted attention without doing anything but being friendly.

Birdsgottafly · 17/07/2012 12:09

"she put kisses on her messages, he didn't"

So did the woman who was messaging my DP, he puts kisses on the end of good female friends messages (as do i on all good friends), so that was how i knew he was wary of her.

Original poster

ineedamiracle · 17/07/2012 12:15

The kisses on messages thing is funny isn't it? I always know he's pissed off with me if there are no kisses on his messages, and there were definitely none on his few replies to her.
I really wish I could spell "nieave/nieve/ni-eve) so I could discribe him as it - one of his replies was "I'm at football, haven't a clue what you're on about."
I wish she would just go away.

OP posts:

dranksinatra · 17/07/2012 12:26

I'm calling her Tena Lady.

Original poster

ineedamiracle · 17/07/2012 12:31

Tenna Lady is so funny - why on earth did I not think of that at 1am? (whilst questioning my entire life) I'm usually hilarious

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 17/07/2012 12:45

His past sounds a bit dodgy, doesn't it? What kind of person involves themselves in fictional FB accounts and tells a newly widowed man that his girlfriend is after him for sex?

You can judge people by their friends to some extent. Do you really think he was entirely blameless there?

TheHappyHissy · 17/07/2012 12:46

Tena Lady! Awesome!

Apocalypto · 17/07/2012 12:46

I'd ring her up and ask her 1/ what she's playing at and 2/ what the fuck she's playing at.

She sounds a complete nutter and if she wants your DH she's possibly worked out that she needs to get rid of you first.

Original poster

ineedamiracle · 17/07/2012 12:56

He does seem "normal" ish. He was really upset by the messages at the time (he actually thought they were something to do with me, but if I remember correctly, they were traced back to someone he met online before me (I bought him from eHarmony ) who was a bit disgruntled when things when things didn't develop between them) (I've lost control of my brackets and punctuation here, clearly).
Not had any problems like this since, and steadily settling in to being a new family - he has a son and so do I.
I'm planning on being lighthearted about it all, as it may well be innocent and I don't want him to start hiding his phone and stuff from me.

OP posts:

Original poster

ineedamiracle · 17/07/2012 13:02

Apocalypto - I don't think even he has her phone number (infact, I know he hasn't as I did something odd with iCloud and all our contacts are the same on our phones - ie, if I add a contact, it appears on his contact list and vice versa...I'm a technological genius )
I'm considering sending a message on Facebook (I'm not friends with her, but I think I can still send her a message?) asking her to lay off, but not sure if that would go down well with OH.

OP posts:

FrankieAndArthur · 17/07/2012 13:26

OK, I think she is dreadfully in the wrong, but I have been in this situation with my now Ex,

An Ex girlfriend was writing to him through a mutual friend and he was in turn passing the letters on to Ex. As Ex didn't have the 'motivation' to give her a clear message that her attention was unwelcome, she reached a point where she wrote to him and asked him to put a friend of hers up for a while. (He and I were living together and he actually showed me this letter, the others I knew about but didn't see)

So I wrote to her, and as 'gently' as I could explained our living arrangements, and that if she still wanted she could still forward her friends details, or she could get in touch with an organisation that dealt specifically with her friends hobby, as that was why he would be in the area)

I really did try to afford both myself and her some dignity.
I wonder if you did the same, so she is clear that there is an existing relationship and that you happily share each others phones, she will be able to back out graciously.

This might bely how you actually feel but I felt better for not being too 'possessive' (although I felt it, it caused a lot of problems, which to be fair were 80% his fault, but that would be another story)

MadAboutHotChoc · 17/07/2012 13:29

This is his mess and he needs to take control by telling this woman (and any others) to clear off.

You telling them to get lost will make you look like a bitter jealous deranged wife and may fuel the fire....

Original poster

ineedamiracle · 17/07/2012 13:35

She definitely knows about our relationship - his profile picture is him, me and the 2 boys and his info says "engaged to ineedamiracle"
I'm sooooo close to messaging her, but struggling to man - up.

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 17/07/2012 13:38

Umm I'm sorry but why on earth hasn't he blocked her?

I don't understand?

The wet pants message is crossing 8 gazillion lines and I find his shruggy response odd.

It does sound like she's a lecherous pisshead and that nothing's going on, but as others have said he seems to have a problem with boundaries.

Losingitall · 17/07/2012 13:44

Do it. From what you've said he's done nowt wrong. Id message her and just ask if she realised shed sent that message and if it had been sent to the wrong person.
X

Proudnscary · 17/07/2012 13:48

Why should OP have to message her ?

It's up to her h to send strongly worded message and tell her he's blocking her. And show OP he's done it.

I don't understand any other way forward with this!

FrankieAndArthur · 17/07/2012 13:53

She shouldn't have to at all Proud,

but I do think Losing it' suggestion is a good one if the OP is going to at all.

yellowraincoat · 17/07/2012 13:56

If he's not telling her in the strongest terms to back the hell off, as well as blocking her, he is taking the piss and encouraging this. Not saying he's having an affair, but at least enjoying the attention.

Proudnscary · 17/07/2012 14:24

And Wet Pants Lady will just think he's got the hots for her and his jealous missus is warning her off!

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