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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

never thought i could ever ever EVER do this...

28 replies

whymewhy · 16/07/2012 19:48

but it looks like i was completely wrong.

recently started a thread about how ive developed feelings for a dad at my ds's school. my relationship is poo at the moment, and the dad is going through a rough time too.

we've been meeting up occasionally as friends as we get on so so well and have lots in common. I realise we probably only see in eachother something that we are each lacking in our own relationships, but ive always told him it can never go anywhere as i love my bf despite our problems.

well today it did go further and we kissed.

i feel like complete shit and such incredible guilt. the worst thing is i really enjoyed it and want more. i told him it can't happen again as i can't do this to bf but i feel like im kidding myself if i think that it wont happen again the next time we're together.

I know im an absolutely awful person - i don't need reminding of that, but im so confused i don't know what to do. my mind is so messed up its all over the place. i just feel sick

i don't know what went wrong or how ive managed to cross the line from friendship to this

OP posts:
K999 · 16/07/2012 19:52

It's tough but end it now. You may feel like shit now but you'll feel a whole lot shittier when your respective partners find out. If you're relationship is bad, work out why and try and fix it. If you can't do that, end your relationship.

RightFedUp · 16/07/2012 19:53

Shirley Glass 'Not Just Friends' will tell you how but for goodness sake stay right away from this man. Just don't go there-you're not a silly teenager.

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 16/07/2012 19:55

You're not an awful person, I think a few will condemn you but not me.

My advice would be to try and sort out your problematic relationship one way or another, before complicating things more with this other bloke.

Easier said than done.

preggofabulous · 16/07/2012 19:57

You're not an awful person, this sort of thing can happen to anyone. We can't help liking people even if in love with someone else. The important thing is that u can still stop this if you really wanted to, but you have to decide if you want to.

Ask yourself what he's giving you that your bf isn't, and then ask if that is because the relationship is no longer working, or if its a temporary issue and go from there.

Usually deep down we know what we want but other factors make us deny it because we think it makes us a bad person x

yellowraincoat · 16/07/2012 19:57

You're not an awful person but you are going to get flamed for this.

You need to either end your relationship or try to sort it. And you need to stop seeing this guy in the meantime.

izzyizin · 16/07/2012 19:58

O come on, do. You can't be that naive. Your relationship with your bf is 'poo' and the om is going through a rough time with his dw?dp.

You're an accident waiting to happen and if the pair of you don't stop your nonsense now you're going to be carcrash tv or, more likely, roadkill when your respective beloveds discover your duplicity.

If you need any incentive to keep your legs crossed, think of your ds and put his welfare and wellbeing above that of your own.

Xales · 16/07/2012 19:59

Don't be alone with this man again then you can't do anything.

Stop talking to this man about your relationship and stop listening to his. Sort out your current relationship one way or the other. If you end it do not get involved with this man all the time he is in one.

I am sure it happens a lot however from an outsiders point of view watching the 2 young boys in the same class, one of whose father had just left his wife after an affair to be with the mother of the other the out fall is not nice.

One of the poor boys was close if not outright being bullied and told he did not have a father any more because they now lived with xxx.

Dprince · 16/07/2012 20:04

OP get a grip. You should have stayed away as soon as you knew you both had feelings for each other. Why didn't you?
This is the only place it was heading so why carry on. You both sound like the biggest cliches going.
whilst cheating is a horrible thing, one bad action does not a horrible person make. The act was bad, but there is so much more to you than the time spent betraying your dp.
Is what happened today and how bad you feel now enough to finally stop meeting with him?

Houseofplain · 16/07/2012 20:13

If you can do it for yourself, don't for your son.

You don't want to be known as the home wrecking little harlot when someone busts you do you? As wrong as it is, it's mainly the woman who is painted as the bad person.

All the mothers shunning you for cheating on their friends husband/shagging the kids dad. Not inviting your son to functions, parties, events. Due to what YOU did as they feel loyalty to the other child/wife or because they do not trust you around their husbands.

The kids spreading it around school and to your child what a (insert kids insult here) his mum is, even years later.

Original poster
whymewhy · 16/07/2012 20:18

thanks for your posts and for not being too harsh. im so confused. i think i do need time out to think about my relationship with bf. ive known for a while we've had probs but ive just tried to ignore them hoping they will improve with time.
why couldn't me and the om just stay good friends without developing these feelings for each other? is it really that impossible for 2 people of the opposite sex to be harmless friends? or am i just that weak!

OP posts:
Alurkatsoftplay · 16/07/2012 20:21

You really are playing with fire. A dad at the school? The repercussions will be terrible.
My dad had affairs. Although I love him, because of this, I don't respect him. Do you want your son to know this about you? However you justify it, he will never understand.

GetOrfMoiiLand · 16/07/2012 20:21

You are not a bad or weak person, but you do need to stay away from each other.

Your feelings haven't run away with you - you are both adults who made a conscious decision to get closer than is appropriate.

At the moment you really can't see the wood for the trees. You really need to keep away from each other until you take stock with what is happening with your boyfriend. Yes it may be a load of shite with him, but don't close your eyes to it and make excuses to be swept along with this friend of yours.

Houseofplain · 16/07/2012 20:22

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your son...wasn't concentrating.

Seriously op you need to buck up smart. Spend time on your own, do it for you. Leave the married man alone.

Or when it all blows up, your child will be the one who suffers, who gets ignored and left out and bullied. As you are shitting on his door step. Will that thought not snap you out of your "weakness".

RightFedUp · 16/07/2012 20:22

Naive, I would say. Now you need to be a bit of a grown up to get yourself out of a situation that WILL end in tears.

Sposh · 16/07/2012 20:24

Sounds like you're on self destruct mode. If you feel like shit for kissing him how much more shit do you think you'll feel if you climb into bed?

The thrill really isn't going to be worth the fall out.

RightFedUp · 16/07/2012 20:25

And get a female friend who will be your emotional leaning post - not someone else's husband. If you need to sort your relationship out, do just that. Don't take the coward's way out - if you are a good person, that will be hard to live with later.

MissFaversam · 16/07/2012 20:27

Right OP... You have a, what? boyfriend, the man has a wife?

I suggest you get shot of the boyfriend and leave the "husband" alone.

MissFaversam · 16/07/2012 20:31

Close one door before you open another.

CogPsych · 17/07/2012 01:34

If you'd reported that your DP had cheated on you, everyone here would be telling you to 'leave the bastard' and that you deserve better.

So, the reverse must be applicable too, right?

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 17/07/2012 02:03

Cog - please don't put words in everyone else's mouth. If her bf had kissed someone else I would telling her exactly the same thing as I'm about to tell her now, thanks very much....

whymewhy - treat this as a very serious wake up call. Work out why you are unhappy in your relationship & if it's fixable or not. Talk to your bf, tell him how unhappy you are & what is making you unhappy. Sorting this relationship, one way or the other, has to be your priority.

Tell the other bloke that you are really sorry that your friendship can't continue right now as you need to put yourself, your boyfriend & your son first - that you can't see him while you do this. If his problems are with his other half too, suggest he does the same.

Don't be alone with him. I am sure that it's tempting & exciting ... but honestly, that way madness lies. The fallout would be massive if you were to have an affair and get caught out, you really, really don't want to put your DS through that. Be strong.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 17/07/2012 06:20

The fallout from this would be bad. People will probably already have noticed and will not be thinking kind and generous thoughts about you, whatever the reality. Stop it now

stargazy · 17/07/2012 07:06

Of course you enjoyed it and wanted more.It's the secrecy and excitement that's fuelling it and you know that.
I'm the wife of someone who let boundaries get blurred in friendship with an OW who said her DH was her 'soulmate' and yet she just couldn't stop herself arranging her day to fit in with DHs,sexting and flirting.He reciprocated and encouraged it.
You say you love your BF but things aren't brilliant at the moment?They won't be whilst you're investing all your time and emotion behaving like this with someone's DH.Ditto for his marriage.
Next time you think how much you want 'more' think of your BF and his wife finding out, everyone at Ds's school knowing and think about your DS.
Good luck sorting out your primary relationship.Whichever way it goes that's where your focus must be,and posting on here shows you know that deep down.

Dprince · 17/07/2012 07:39

Actually cog some people would, but many wouldn't.
OP, do you realise the effect this will have on your child. If (more probably when) this get out and all the parents, teachers and children know what you have both done do you realise the effect this will have on him. Everyone at school knowing his mum was having an affair with a classmates dad. Do you think he wants to grow up with everyone knowing that?
This is the type of thing that people don't forget. He will resent you for this for the rest of his life in all probability. People will shun you, and him by association. They won't want you at parties etc so he won't get invited.
He will grow felling you not only ruined your relationship and his home life, but his school life as well.
Stop it now. Your son is far to important.

Lucyellensmum99 · 17/07/2012 07:49

well all i can say is that i hope you can protect your children from the hurt that is going to result from this :(

Greatauntirene · 17/07/2012 08:23

What would you be doing if you weren't flirting and snogging OtherDad. Zooming off to your high powered career? Heading into town for some serious shopping with some mates? No? Oh, going home to make the beds and wash the dishes.

No wonder flirting and snogging seems a good option.

Imagine following this through - distraught DP, OD splits from wife, DS devastated,................. you eventually pair up with OD.

Then a year or two on you are dropping DS and DSS off at school before going home to wash up etc hey but there's this really nice Dad dropping his DC off at school gates and so on and so on.

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