Ending a friendship after being sacked as bridesmaid

[comberbird]

Hello ladies - strange topic for me to raise with you lot as I am mostly on the pregnancy tab - but I need some advice.

My 'best' friend wrote to me on Friday and asked me not to be her bridesmaid. This follows a none too pleasant meeting with her younger sister - the other bridesmaid who is a very different kind of person to me - over three months ago. There was a long silence over dinner as I asked to chose a different wine and younger sister said when it arrived - when I was gone the bride would be free to chose whatever she liked! Daft I know but I was so taken aback I sat in silence for about 5 mins trying to compose myself - a cardinal sin apparently. Afterwards I was accused by the bride of not taking enough interest in her sister or her kids [see later - sore subject], not making enough eye contact with her etc [she has bad skin - sorry I didn't want to stare]? Which I also thought was quite daft. Basically the bride is worried we won't get on at her wedding day and wants to avoid the aggrevation. She was my only bridesmaid at my wedding last year.

There was very cold spell between us over the past few months as a result - but we have been on holiday twice in that time and have gotten on well [no wedding chat]. She also made a big deal a few weeks ago of 'forgiving me' for what I had 'done' to her and her sister and I was suitably grateful.

I myself had almost come to the conclusion that I didnt actually want to be bridesmaid and almost told her but decided to hold back til I was less upset.

This all my seem like very trivial girls in the playground stuff. At the same time as all of this has been going on I have lost two miscarraiges - the first one at fourth months pregnant and another earlier. I was quite numb about all of this for a few months until my little brother had a son and that just unleashed the most enormous wave or grief which I just feel I am getting over now. Still TTC six months after our losses and we find DH has some issues on his side which mean we are most likely looking at IVF and I have just started clomid with IUI in a month. So not so happy times for me and DH since we married a year ago. The next few months are full of dates with the doctor so I dont have much time or emotion left for anyone else.

During this time bride has not once called me to find out how I am. Each time her main objective is to find out some detail for her wedding or seek comfort on some problem or another of her own. [She was burglared and wanted the receipt for the bracelet I bought her as a bridesmaid to reclaim it from the insurers - she hasn't bought us a wedding present!] She will get round to talking about me but its never really about me. I set up our hols, I have had her and partner over for countless dinners with no thanks you.

The final straw is how she criticises me - if she asked for advice from me and doesn't like it she literally calls me a bully. I am quite bossy there is no doubt about that but there is never any malice and I am really hurt by these kinds of things ...

The question really putting this all together is should I just cut all ties with her. She asked my email if I would be at her wedding as her best friend but i dont think she has shown any kindness or support to me for so long and I feel ashamed to have been 'demoted' and angry because I don;t think I did anything wrong. I have too many other things on my plate right now to let this distract me but i also know I am so emotional about everything i am worried about doing the wrong thing ... answers on a postcard please ....

There is nothing in your post that suggests that you like her tbh.

The 'being demoted' from the roll of bridesmaid stuff is nonsense really. But if you feel she has no time for you, no empathy for the difficult times you have even experiencing, then I would just let it drift.

I would go to the wedding, send a gift and be as charmingg as I could. And then I would leave her be. If the wedding is making her nutty then once it is over she may return to the friend you liked enough to have as your only bridesmaid.

But don't do a bit break. It is a bit dramaholic and there is no need. Just step back bit by bit. If she is worth anything she will not let you drift away.

don't do a big break.

And I should add I am sorry for the incredibly difficult time you have been having.

I don't really understand what you did wrong during the meal with her sister.

The issue of you not being a bridesmaid has clearly been discussed at some point. That can't feel nice.

Yes, I agree it doesn't sound like she has been much a friend to you. Is there a possibility that she doesn't know how to offer support so says nothing?

I would go to the wedding with your head held high and then let your friendship dwindle. Unless of course she realises that she hasn't been much of a friend and makes it up to you.

She also made a big deal a few weeks ago of 'forgiving me' for what I had 'done' to her and her sister If this is based only on what you have typed above I think my answer would have been get fucked with your forgiveness.

If you want to go to the wedding do as Pag says. Go, don't bother with a present as that is obviously not the done thing between the pair of you (I bet that would be wrong even though she didn't get you one) and be gracious.

I find it very strange that the bride thinks you can get through the day (wtf is that about) with her sister if you are demoted from bridesmaid but not if you stay as one. I can see the bridesmaids smirking face at having got one over on you.

if you don't want to go you can either be honest and tell her what a friend she isn't or back away politely blaming circumstances.

She doesn't sound like a best friend, she is completely uninterested in your life (unless you go on and on and on), you organise everything, it is not reciprocated and she thinks you are a bully.

If this is recent and just wedding nutter then perhaps after she will be better. If she has always been like this ask yourself...

Do you need a person like this in your life?

Good luck

If she's your best friend, what are your enemies like?

Sacked you as bridesmaid? Hope she's given you a suitable redundancy package after having to listen to her shite and put up with her discourtesy for the last umpteen months.

RSVP Answers on a postcard? 'Thanks for your offer but I prefer to watch paint dry find I'm otherwise engaged and will be unable to attend your nuptials. Have a nice life'.

And then get on with your far more pressing matters... fingers crossed you'll soon have news that will put a smile on your face and banish all thoughts of bridezilla and her chief, and now only, bridesmaidzilla from your mind.

When you get around to seeking a replacement, look for a best friend who will enhance your life and avoid those who suck the joy out of it.

There is nothing in your post which suggests to me that you SHOULD like her! She sounds very odd and petty. \\you decided before she asked you that youy didn't want to be her bridesmaid. I think at this point you realised your friendship was over.

Honestly, don't wait any longer, life IS too short.Cut ties and don't go to the wedding. You're better off without her. You're only holding on because you're a nice person. It is difficult and you migh grieve but stress might hinder your TTC? Get rid of her.

I wish you all of the very best.

I am sorry you've gone through the miscarriages. It must have been awful and no wonder you were so affected at the birth of your brother's child.

Here's your card:

"Oh thank god for that! I've been desperate to give up as bridesmaid. You and your sister will be much better off without me, as I will without you. I won't be coming to the wedding as I have far more important things to do. Thanks for your concern when I lost my babies and about my upcoming IVF. I hope you find a friend you deserve."

SoleSource

That is exactly my point.
Assuming that the op hasn't been best friends with a selfish arse for years without noticing that she had no redeeming features. And bearing in mind that their friendship was so strong that she wanted this woman as her only bridesmaid and went on holiday with her twice in recent months, I am assuming that she is usually a good friend and that all these dreadful behaviours are based around bridezilla stuff.

Otherwise why on earth has the op been such close friends with her?

Yes,I see that now. My post wasn't a dig at your post. I just read your first line and nicked it, as it is getting the point across so well. The holiday's confused me.

Sorry about your losses, is v hard to deal with anything else whilst in the midst of that (have had mcs too) and people can be crap about it.

Is there more to this, before the awkward meal? I don't understand the sister's comment about the wine, was she essentially telling you on her sister's behalf that you shouldn't ge bridesmaid? What had led up to that?

Did she have a point that you don't ask about her DC? Is it just that you're in different situations and can't connect?

Fertility issues / bridezilla behaviours can really come between friends. If this is the problem and she's been lovely in the past / you care a lot about her, then you could just rock up to the wedding, get through it and hope things get easier at some point in the future. If, however, she's always been self-absorbed or the friendship unequal, you could quietly avoid her and not go.

Solesource, there is no evidence that stress hinders ttc, am sure it's well meant but comments like that don't help (being told to "just relax", avoid stress etc only adds to the stress!)

Mind you, less stress and escaping unsupportive friends who bring stress could well be to be a good thing for many other reasons!

Hence my question mark.

I haven't told OP to relax either.

You are both going through stressful times at the moment (admittedly hers is of her own making). You admit that you don't really want to be bridesmaid - do you think she picked up on this and making the decision for you?

I would go to the wedding, but distance yourself for a while. After a few months when all the wedding business is over with, she might be there for you as a friend. But in the meantime, be kind to yourself and surround yourself with people who care for you.

Weddings to strange things to people.

get down on your knees and thank god that she's booted you out! Honestly, it doesn't sound anything close to a friendship.

A friendship is a two way thing between people who care about one another, like one another and are interested in one another.

Nothing in your post indicates that that is true! In fact, I get the impression that this 'friendship' has had problems that predate both your tragic losses and her wedding.

Find other friends.

I honestly don't understand this whole struggling to keep people in your life thing. I really don't.

If someone is a giant pain in the arse who makes you miserable - bin them!

Ever seen that TV programme "Bridezillas"? It is pretty evident that weddings do strange things to people!
The OP's friend has no idea how the OP is suffering after her misscariages (lets face it unless you've been through it, you have no appreciation of how distressing it is) and is completely over absorbed in creating the wedding of the decade.
Go to the wedding, with a smile on your face (don't buy a present) and take a step back from her and play it by ear from then on.

(I don't understand the thing about the wine in the OP)

Dump her and hope it pisses down on her wedding, the cake gets taken over by ants, her dress doesn't fit, her shoes are too tight and her sister gets chicken pox

thanks all - amazing perspective that I have been sadly lacking! thank you. Yes she has been a good friend in the past, great fun during my many single years and also is the only person who gets some aspects of my life. We used to work together and both have silly high stress jobs. ironically we became friends after I helped her when she was being bullied at work!
She is a complete bridezilla mostly as she can't make decisions - changed wedding venues, broke her engagement off twice and was always going to be a nightmare. I hate falling out over nothing though and I feel very personally neglected in our friendship given all the baby issues and just very very badly treated over this whole bridesmaid non issue particularly given I an unusally fragile at present. My close friends have been shocked ... but not surprised ...

Part of me just really wants me to get her were it hurts. Not show up to the wedding and generally be nasty .. but I know I just shouldn't. I wonder when we finally have any baby success if she will care anyway. I had already decided that post wedding we need to have a bit of space and maybe that is just an even bigger bit of space .... I dont find it hard to forgive people but I really do find it hard to forget and i wont be over this in a hurry ....

I think I would go to the wedding but take no present. I would be civil but then leave when I've had enough, not make any great effort to stay on for anyone else's sake.

I would also let the "friendship" (such as it is, and it doesn't sound all that) die out now because I can pretty much guarantee that once she doesn't get a wedding gift from you, she will drop you like a hotcake anyway. Her attitude says that she will be expecting something special from you, regardless of the way she's been treating you and the fact that she didn't get you a gift - and when she doesn't, she will drop you.

Best way out of it, if you ask me. :)

Oh and very sorry to hear of your losses :( - it hurts, doesn't it. Best of luck with the treatments.

You appear to be in a particularly benevolent mood today, Rabid.

What are your hopes for the honeymoon? Flight delayed by 48 hours, brochure pix failed to depict 16 storey building being erected 24/7 next door to hotel, monsoon/typhoon weather, dining on contaminated seafood on the first night, and accidental injury requiring uninsured airlift back to UK?

your last post shows you actually feel quite bitter towards her and want to 'hurt' her by not going.

i would not do that, i think you need to let go of the hurt and rather than cutting her off just relegate her to 'acquaintance'.. you can go to the wedding and have fun (presumably you have shared friends it will be nice to see), enjoy not having any role or responsibility and just generally detach a bit as she's obviously a bit of a fair weather acquaintance.

She's not your friend. I would recommend that you don't go the the wedding (I know from experience how awful weddings can be when you just wish you were elsewhere) and don't bother with her in future. You don't need her grief.

Sorry about the MCs and I hope you have better luck soon. I'd suggest not going to the wedding at all - given that you're heading towards IVF you have a good reason not to go (and if you don't particularly want to go you needn't) and given her lack of support so far a reason not to involve yourself any further. Some friendships work in certain periods of your life and crumble when things change. It's not unusual.

I honestly wouldn't concern yourself about whether your potential absence hurts her or not. Cut loose & put it behind you. You have other things to think about that right now are far more important than a failing friendship. You could just write a polite & neutral letter designed to avoid any further ill-feeling and wish her all the best.

Go to the wedding but bypass the service and be first at the reception venue where you can amuse yourself switching placecards until the happy couple arrive.

Wear your most glamourous outfit with your sourest face (except for photos) and tell all and sundry in strictest confidence that the union is unlikely to last as the bridesmaid's been having it off with the groom 'for years dahling, don'cha know'.

During speeches accidentally knock plates/cutlery/anything available onto floor making loud apologies, and answer several urgent calls of nature by leaving and speedily returning to room as noisily as possible.

Leave as soon as the wedding breakfast is over, not forgetting to thank the bride and groom for providing you with an opportunity for a pitstop en route to your sojourn at (name most luxurious hotel 20/30 miles up the road) and make a point of saying how much you enjoy attending informal weddings were no-one's gone to any particular trouble to impress the guests. Fail to wish them well and depart with a mahoosive smile on your face
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