Ending a friendship after being sacked as bridesmaid

[comberbird]

Hello ladies - strange topic for me to raise with you lot as I am mostly on the pregnancy tab - but I need some advice.

My 'best' friend wrote to me on Friday and asked me not to be her bridesmaid. This follows a none too pleasant meeting with her younger sister - the other bridesmaid who is a very different kind of person to me - over three months ago. There was a long silence over dinner as I asked to chose a different wine and younger sister said when it arrived - when I was gone the bride would be free to chose whatever she liked! Daft I know but I was so taken aback I sat in silence for about 5 mins trying to compose myself - a cardinal sin apparently. Afterwards I was accused by the bride of not taking enough interest in her sister or her kids [see later - sore subject], not making enough eye contact with her etc [she has bad skin - sorry I didn't want to stare]? Which I also thought was quite daft. Basically the bride is worried we won't get on at her wedding day and wants to avoid the aggrevation. She was my only bridesmaid at my wedding last year.

There was very cold spell between us over the past few months as a result - but we have been on holiday twice in that time and have gotten on well [no wedding chat]. She also made a big deal a few weeks ago of 'forgiving me' for what I had 'done' to her and her sister and I was suitably grateful.

I myself had almost come to the conclusion that I didnt actually want to be bridesmaid and almost told her but decided to hold back til I was less upset.

This all my seem like very trivial girls in the playground stuff. At the same time as all of this has been going on I have lost two miscarraiges - the first one at fourth months pregnant and another earlier. I was quite numb about all of this for a few months until my little brother had a son and that just unleashed the most enormous wave or grief which I just feel I am getting over now. Still TTC six months after our losses and we find DH has some issues on his side which mean we are most likely looking at IVF and I have just started clomid with IUI in a month. So not so happy times for me and DH since we married a year ago. The next few months are full of dates with the doctor so I dont have much time or emotion left for anyone else.

During this time bride has not once called me to find out how I am. Each time her main objective is to find out some detail for her wedding or seek comfort on some problem or another of her own. [She was burglared and wanted the receipt for the bracelet I bought her as a bridesmaid to reclaim it from the insurers - she hasn't bought us a wedding present!] She will get round to talking about me but its never really about me. I set up our hols, I have had her and partner over for countless dinners with no thanks you.

The final straw is how she criticises me - if she asked for advice from me and doesn't like it she literally calls me a bully. I am quite bossy there is no doubt about that but there is never any malice and I am really hurt by these kinds of things ...

The question really putting this all together is should I just cut all ties with her. She asked my email if I would be at her wedding as her best friend but i dont think she has shown any kindness or support to me for so long and I feel ashamed to have been 'demoted' and angry because I don;t think I did anything wrong. I have too many other things on my plate right now to let this distract me but i also know I am so emotional about everything i am worried about doing the wrong thing ... answers on a postcard please ....

Perhaps this friendship has run its course...however, I do find it a bit odd you have been on holiday twice with this friend, and had her over for countless dinners, and not really mentioned/discussed in any depth your miscarriages. Have you not talked about them/dismissed them/avoided the topic or is she deliberately changing the subject? I know she is Bridezilla but I am surprised that a girly chat about your difficulties didn't feature on one of these holidays/evenings (i.e. it's not just you've had no contact).

If this is the case, and she is genuinely uninterested/selfish, I would move away from the friendship. However, it may also be she, not having been pregnant/lost a child, hasn't realised how devastated you are, and perhaps you have not shared this with her as well (as it is incredibly upsetting). Perhaps she doesn't know what to say.

My friends haven't all behaved perfectly over the years, and I'm sure there's times, especially since having children where we've been closer/more available than others, but I wouldn't ditch anyone in a big way unless they'd done something unforgiveable. I would play it by ear, if she continues to be very self-centred, just see less of her. But sometimes people change over the years/get new priorities/have their own children and experiences and I wouldn't ditch one outright, I'd just see how it goes.

Part of me just really wants me to get her were it hurts. Not show up to the wedding and generally be nasty .. but I know I just shouldn't.

Aaaaaaaah, fuck her.

There are 3 types of people in my social life. The inner circle - people I may not hear from for a year but when I do we continue as if we last spoke 5 minutes ago.

Then there is the outer circle. Pleasant enough but not really reliable and not that into you. You might not lend them your Phil and Ted's.

People drift from one circle to the other, often unexpectedly.

Your "friend" has gone from inner circle to outer circle, from her POV probbaly so have you, and in your shoes, she'd now be well on her way to the far side of fuck.

The money you would have wasted on buying the cow a wedding present I would spend on the one she never bought me. The money you would have wasted on an outfit for her big day I would spend on a bottle of bubbly to be drunk at your twins' first birthday party, because you are GTC...promise.

the 3rd type being of course those already at TFSOF.

I agree with Apo she has treated you without even a shred of sympathy or thought, I wouldnt go to either the wedding or the reception, stop feeling guilty about it, people chaange and not always for the better in some cases.

Fuck her and the horse her and her sister limped in rode in on

Look you don't really like her. You've grown apart, she's acting like an arse - for the sake of the good times you had once, don't have a huge row and burn your bridges, just let yourselves drift apart.

You are going through a really rough time, turn to people you are really friends with, don't keep a relationship on life support with someone you now despise.

I wouldn't go to the wedding. TBH, you need to give yourself time to grieve for your miscarriages (really sorry) and also prepare for IVF. It's time to focus on yourself and your new husband, not some drama queen.

It's sad to lose an old friend, but people do change and you have to move on.

I would tell her your having a hard time, won't be coming to the wedding and send her a voucher / card wishing her the best for the future.

Hope all goes well with the IVF!

I'd call it a day on her to be honest. Imagine the nightmare she'll be if she decides to go down the ttc route herself.

Protect yourself from her and her shenanigans now.

She sounds very self-absorbed and unpleasant.

She wants you to attend her wedding as her 'best friend'!!

She 'forgave' you for the way you treated her sister, who sounds horrid.

I wouldn't go to the wedding. I would be inclined to write a neutral letter to say that you don't want to distract from her special day and wish her well for the future.

It's such a overly dramatic thing to do, isn't it? "You can be my best friend but you can't be my bridesmaid" - isn't that who bridesmaids normally are? She just has to throw some additional layer of complexity into the mix to mess with your head and remind you that it's all about her.

You've had good advice - go, be pleasant but not too pleasant, then just let things drift.

Has she given you a reason for sacking you as a bridemaid?

izzyizin Tue 17-Jul-12 12:16:21
You appear to be in a particularly benevolent mood today, Rabid.

I did put a smiley face on my post

Oh come on! How can you possibly attend this wedding? How can you even want to?
I think I would withdraw with dignity, and send a polite note saying you are sorry but you are no longer able to attend but that you wish her all the best for the future. No further explanation is necessary as she will know exactly why.

Of course, you will be the bad guy, but then you will be whatever happens.

You say the sister has very bad skin - is it possible she is insecure, jealous or worried about being upstaged and has caused trouble to oust you? Your friend might be caught between family loyalty and friendship and blind to her sister's game. I didn't really understand the problem with the wine - it didn't seem like it was anything to bother about.

I don't see how she can expect to guilt you into attending as her 'best friend' when she is sacking you as bridesmaid. Agree that I don't understand, certainly from what's been posted, why the sister has taken against you but she clearly has. I would not go. Agree totally with clam above: you will be the bad guy regardless so I would save your dignity and what would no doubt be a difficult day for you.

OP, what are you going to do?

It seems to me that when it comes to humanitarians such as ourselves great minds think alike, but I will concede the possibility that you are more charitable than myself, Rabid

Her lack of empathy and understanding about your MCs would be enough to end the friendship in my view. You poor thing, I really hope you get your longed for baby (and you will, hang in there) She sounds like a spoilt brat. Go to the wedding, drink the champagne and let the friendship drift slowly.

Sorry to hear about The painful experiences you have been through recently.

Your "friend" doesn't sound much like a friend right now, not one you can count on anyway. She should be thinking of you and the difficulties you are going through.

I had a similar experience a while ago, close, long term friend asked me to be bridesmaid after having my child. I had a fitting 3 months pp and obviously still carry a lot of weight. I did tell her that I was hoping to have lost around 3 stone by her weddingand should really have a fitting closer to the day but bride insisted. I went away for work and missed a fitting and atbthe final fitting the size 18 dress that had originally been chosen for me had to be scrapped for a 12, which then had to be tweaked for boobs and hips the week before the wedding. Bride was awful about it, sulked like a child and ended up ignoring me through the whole hen weekend.
Two days before the wedding she presented me with the bill for both dresses which I refused to pay (£2,000) as none of the other bridesmaids had to.
She went crazy so I handed her back the dress and denounced bridesmaid duty.

We went to the wedding as guests and on the evening she broke down in tears apologising, saying it was the pressure and the stress that her MIL had piled upon her. I forgave her as it would have been a waste and weddings tend to send otherwise normal women barmy.

You have to weigh up wether this is enough to lose your friendship over.
Good luck. X

Comberbird, I was in a very similar situation to this many years ago. My "best" friend was getting married and since us being young teenagers she had talked about me being her bridesmaid. (I was an I'm never getting married sort of teenager.) The first I knew about me not being a bridesmaid was when she took some of the fabric for the dresses to show my Grandmother and told her who would be wearing them!

Without going into the story further, I kept my mouth shut - her decision and all that - but further nastiness emerged with the arrival of the invitation (only invited my DP to the evening do even though we were living abroad at the time and were intending to travel to the UK specially for it, and also enclosed an invite to an Ex of mine for me to pass on! ) I decided to write a letter to her saying that I wouldnt be attending and why.

I got a really nasty reply from her mother . I replied to that and wrote the friend off. I have never seen her since and I dont regret it for one second. My other friends were shocked and for years afterwards said they couldnt believe what I had done. Her mother then wrote to my mother after 10 years or so asking if she would help in getting us back together. Erm, no. At no point did the friend ever contact me herself after I wrote the letter.

Sometimes friendships fizzle out and sometimes they end dramatically but end they do. I am still glad I took a stand.