Does anyone have a grip?

[LikeAnOldUnwantedBiscuit]

I appear to have lost mine entirely. I need to get one.

Have name changed for this (hope it works). May attempt a longer post in the [terrifyingly real] divorce and separation section but the short of it is that I found out yesterday that my husband (can't bring myself to do a cutesy abbreviation) had an affair with an ex shortly before we got married. We've only been married a couple of years. She's in another country so they haven't seen each other but they have exchanged cutesy facebook messages "thinking of you always" type stuff.

I took a day off sick today and am home alone, trying to figure out what to do.

I am trying to use every ounce of self control not to email her and tell her exactly what I think of her.

But it's him I should be angry at, isn't it? I would lose even more self respect if I emailed her, wouldn't I?

I am, like my user name, feeling so crushed and broken.

That's terrible biscuit.

Don't contact her, like you say, I don't think it'll do any good.

Does your husband know you know?

You are right - it is him you should be angry with. Of course she's not blameless, far from it - but she's not the one who made vows to you, is she. Do not email her - maintain your dignity where she is concerned! If you're really itching to, then do it on here, or in a Word document on your computer - get it all down, but then don't send it.

I don't have a grip for you, I'm sorry - but I do suggest you use your time wisely to go through bank accounts, phone accounts, email accounts etc. to work out how much he has been deceiving you, and where all your assets are - and then decide what you want to do with the information. The reason I say this, as underhanded as it sounds, is that the minute he finds out you know about the affair, he will try and cover his tracks (they usually do) so it's better to be beforehand with the information if you can.

So :( that you're in this situation.

Thank you, Cailin.

Yes, he knows. I suspected (had seen an odd text) and confronted him about it in the middle of a general row about his shitty attitude towards me. I caught him off guard and his face said everything. So he had no choice but to admit to it.

Strangely enough, I found out because I was snooping for evidence that he was having a fling with someone else. Turns out I was wrong about that one. Oh the irony.

I guess it's true that nothing good ever comes of snooping.

Thanks, Thumbwitch. That's a good idea to get it down and then not send it. Perhaps I should start with a letter to him?

I've already got the evidence from facebook and email (Fuckwit doesn't know I know his passwords) and I've seen the text. He has a PAYG mobile so no phone records.

All the assets are in my sole name, thankfully. One thing I don't have to worry about.

Snooping has given you knowledge that will empower you.... so don't think that no good ever comes of snooping.

Don't send the email to the OW. Maintain your dignity.

How long has he had a shitty attitude towards you? What does it consist of?

Yes, I can kind of see that sadwidow, as at least he can't accuse me of being paranoid and mad any more. But it's knowledge that's eating me up at the moment, though. He doesn't know the extent of what I know, IYSWIM. He said she was an old work colleague but from emails I have seen from before he met me, they were seeing each other in 2005, when he was with his ex-fiancée (I know, I know...)

Shitty attitude consists of thinking his job is more important than our relationship or more important than mine (neither is more important, although I do earn more money than him and basically keep everything together), not pulling his weight around the house, being too tired for sex, lack of affection/ attention, drinking too much, smoking too much weed and generally just being a Neanderthal. It came to a head Saturday afternoon because I wouldn't drive to the shop for him because he wanted to watch the rugby. Incredibly petty stuff on both sides.

I've been paranoid for a while that he had/ was having a fling with a girl he works with but I am convinced that was my imagination.

He has form for affairs. He has never, ever been faithful to anyone. He swore blind he had been faithful to me.

Actually, it wasn't my imagination because having just read some of that back, I think he was trying to have a relationship with her and she wasn't interested.

Oh dear, you poor love - I know you probably love him but frankly he sounds like a complete turd and you'd probably be better off without that sort of person around you!

Doesn't sound like he adds much positive to your life :(

Well, he has withdrawn from your relationship in many ways. Perhaps he was looking for an exit affair with his work colleague.

You deserve better than this. You WILL HAVE better than this.

This is a sad and emotional time for you - but you will get through it.

Oh.... and the accusing you of being paranoid and mad is 'gaslighting'. It is a classic strategy of the emotional abuser.

Yes, I have sadly come to the conclusion that he's a turd and a half (hence trying to pluck up the courage to post on the divorce board).

I am so angry... I would not have married him had I known.

He hasn't added much to my life for months and months and months. He acknowledges this, he admits he has been shitty, he says he'll change. I don't think he will.

So, I will very soon be single, childless and 40. It is so damn scary writing that. I never, ever thought I would end up like this, but I wasted the last twelve years of my life on two Fuckwits, one straight after the other.

Is it bad that I feel even WORSE that she's not exactly a looker? I'm no supermodel, I will be the first to admit that.

You've got to wonder why men like this bother getting married. He clearly hadn't made his mind up properly at the time so why go for the big commitment number rather than carry on simply dating and leaving his options open? Beggars belief. Good luck OP.

Gaslighting... I always wondered what that meant! Thank you.

Never been faithful to anyone? What a tosser. I don't think women should keep giving men with that kind of CV chances tbh (not blaming you, like as not you didn't know that about him at the time) they never change.

Keeping it in your pants is apparently a skill that's impossible to learn if you don't already have the knack

Poor you, honestly you will be so much better off without him bullshit all around you.

Thanks, Cogito. I asked him several times why he bothered marrying me. He said it's because he loves me. I'm The One. Etc. Yeah, right.

Your replies have all been really, really lovely and helpful and distracting. Thanks, everyone. Am popping out to grab some milk but will be back later. It's easier than sitting on my hands!

I entirely understand you feeling worse because she's not good looking - I do. My first fiancé fecked off with some woman who was actually 7y older than I was and definitely not better looking - and my sister was dumped for someone old enough to be her DH's mother! (His own mother had died a couple of years previously, we think there was some weirdy psychological shit going on there).

It really rankles! Because you can't say that they were dazzled by youth and good looks - not that that's great in itself but at least it's a reason - so it must be more personal. It isn't, in the end - what it boils down to is that they are faithless fuckers who simply don't love you enough.

Elephants -yes, it ought to have been a mahoosive red light.

Thumbwitch - She's bigger than me, shapeless and looks like a lesbian and has absolutely no dress sense if her FB pics are anything to go by.

He even had the barefaced fucking cheek to blame his lack of sex drive on the fact that I have put on weight... except I am exactly the same weight and shape I was when we met! I lost some when we got married, so technically am bigger but only by one dress size. went from 16/ 18 down to 14/ 16 and back up to 16/ 18.

I am so going to use that last line "You are a faithless fucker who simply doesn't love me enough".

That may, in fact, be the grip that I so badly needed, Thumbwitch.

I feel so much calmer posting on here. Was driving myself insane, earlier.

Thank you x

You're welcome, glad to have been of help! :)

All the assets are in my sole name, thankfully. One thing I don't have to worry about.

No one has picked up on this yet. You are married. So it's not that clear cut. If you were not married then easy and clear cut.

You are so it's immaterial in a way whose name assets are in. It all becomes assets of the marriage and lots of factors come into play as to who can claim what. So get legal advice.

Yes, all good points, House. The other thing I am thankful for is that I'm a lawyer. I know it's not clear cut but we've only been married for 2 years, have no kids, he's put nothing into this place and would have difficulty proving any rights. We don't have savings, as such. Plus we have a pre-nup which whilst not legally enforceable, is evidence of our intentions which the Courts are likely to take notice of in this instance. I'm as covered as I can be.

Clever!

Almost like I knew, huh?

Certainly sounds like your subconscious was waving big red flags at you which the tide of lurve allowed you to ignore!

Well done for being as covered as you can be and I hope you get to keep everything you should.

Sending you and hugs. What a shite situation to be in. You sound very switched on though and I bet you are a lot more attractive than you think at the moment. I would quite like to tell him he is a loser on your behalf.
Hug hug hug hug etc.