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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't think IBU to ask DH not to do this.

46 replies

LegoAcupuncture · 16/07/2012 09:23

Just had an arguement with DH, he has gone to work and I've nobody to vent to.

He keeps on going upstairs to read his Kindle, does it every day. So if he isn't working, he is upstairs, lying on the bed reading, while I am downstairs dealing with the kids. Even on his days off he is up there. He comes downstairs to eat, might stay for haf an hour then upstairs again until the DC are in bed, then comes downstairs to watch the TV/read.

He seems to think it is his god given right, because he works and I don't, that he can relax as much as he likes. If I were to do the same, disappear as soon as he gets in from work, he would not be happy. Instead I have to put up with it.

Also, while we are on the subject, he thinks he is allowed to stay in bed more than me. He works on shifts, so can start any time from 7am to 12pm. he does 2-3 later starts a week and stays in bed the other times instead of letting me stay in bed. So I'm always the one who gets up with the kids, gets them ready for school and takes them to school.

I'm so fed up with it all. It should be both of us sharing the childcare/housework when he gets in from work/has a day off, not me carrying on all day while he sits on his arse. It's like having a 24 hour job, it never ends.

The arguement was over me asking him to stop going upstairs all the time. I need him to help me with the 3 kids (one has autism).

OP posts:

PineappleBed · 16/07/2012 09:27

Wow he's being really unfair to you! Looking after three kids including one with autism is much harder than most jobs and it's 24/7 - no tea breaks, peaceful journeys home and annual leave for you!

I'm not sure when to suggest, someone more knowledgeable will come along soon, but you're absolutely right that this can't go on.

PineappleBed · 16/07/2012 09:28

*what

BettyTurnip · 16/07/2012 09:32

I would just bloody well go out and leave him to it (although I appreciate to go off on a whim may be difficult with an autistic child who needs routine and stability). However, if you can manage to do it then you should - explain that you need a break and some headspace and take yourself out of the situation.

I know this is not helpful but he sounds awful. Is this behaviour a new development?

Dillydollydaydream · 16/07/2012 09:33

He Is the unreasonable one, I'd flip at my dh if he did that.
The children aren't just your responsibility, just because you are a parent doesn't mean your day ends at 5pm or even when they're in bed, you're on call 24/7. He really needs to realise he is being unfair to you.

Stoney666 · 16/07/2012 09:38

My parents and I laws where fantastic was pleased to see them as much as they liked. All offered loads of help getting dinner done tidying house etc. when dd came along later dh parents were invaluable and made a real fuss of ds while I did what needed to be done with dd. extended family, for me, was and still is important. X

Original poster

LegoAcupuncture · 16/07/2012 09:38

It's sort of a new developement. He used to do it every now and again but it is every day now, which is pissing me off. I know he is stressed from work atm, but there is no excuse for him doing this.

It's not an "end of marriage" thing, but it needs changing and I am so tired, too tired to put up a reasonable arguement, it just escalates to a full blown row.

OP posts:

Original poster

LegoAcupuncture · 16/07/2012 09:39

Wrong thread Stoney?

OP posts:

BettyTurnip · 16/07/2012 09:41

How old are your children?

Stoney666 · 16/07/2012 09:41

So sorry just realised :(

Housewifefromheaven · 16/07/2012 09:42

Yanbu.

pictish · 16/07/2012 09:43

Sounds like he has a really good book on the go.

Seriously though - he sounds like a self serving shit who regards you as the housekeeper and nanny, while he swans off to please himself because he works SO hard. He clearly thinks his contribution of going to work is enough.

Send the kids up to him every time he does it until he understands that his family come first, not his latest novel.

Original poster

LegoAcupuncture · 16/07/2012 09:44

They are 3,6(the one with autism) and 9. The 3 year old wakes at 6, the 6 year old any time from 3 am.

Don't apologise Stoney, you just had me confused is all.

OP posts:

strawberrypenguin · 16/07/2012 09:45

Can you write it down and get him to read how you feel? Means you can get what you want to say across calmly and he has more time to digest it. He really does need to share the childcare when he's at home, does he not want to spend time with the children?
Hope you get him to see sense and that things improve for you soon. (on the more flippant side if that doesn't work either hide his kindle or keep sending the kids upstairs to see daddy/ask daddy a question etc when he's hiding)

izzyizin · 16/07/2012 09:47

Sounds like you need a mansize stairgate with a strong lock to stop a certain self-centred manchild disappearing upstairs whenever it suits him.

Ask yourself 'what is the point of him? If you can't find 10 good reasons to put up with the idle git tell him to stuff his Kindle where the sun don't shine shape up or ship out.

izzyizin · 16/07/2012 09:54

It's not an "end of marriage" thing It would be for many.

The problem with your marriage is that one person checks out of family life whenever he wants and the only way you'll be able to compete with his Kindle get his attention is to tell him that it's your way or the highway.

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 16/07/2012 09:58

I don't understand the mentality of 'he works' - you both work! IMO the day just changes for you both when he gets home. Neither of you 'clock off' until the DCs are asleep and even then you're 'on call'

I think it's about time you disappeared on his 'day off' and took the Kindle with you.

Sorry for all the inverted commas but your OH is deluded - it takes more than a paycheck to contribute to a family

pictish · 16/07/2012 09:59

I too agree that you should just fuck off on his next day off, and leave him to it. Why not?

Original poster

LegoAcupuncture · 16/07/2012 10:03

Would love to just go off for the day. Not sure where I'd go though.

I may well get him to read this thread when he gets back from work.

OP posts:

BettyTurnip · 16/07/2012 10:20

Go anywhere!!! A friend's? Family? Library? Swimming? Shopping centre? Just go and wander and have a coffee and a BREAK, leaving him to actually do something with his children for once.

And yes, show him this thread.

pictish · 16/07/2012 10:35

Go to a local cafe and buy yourself a coffee and big slice of cake, and sit and read your book, or a glossy or whatever you like, for an hour or so while you enjoy your peace. Then go window shopping or something....it's about enjoying the break.

Bossybritches22 · 16/07/2012 10:42

Hide the bloody Kindle!

When he comes in from work, tell him he has half an hour to freshen up & have a cuppa & then TELL him you would like him to do xyz.

He shouldn't look on it as "helping you" he is co-parentiing your kids, the kids you had together remind him of that!

Maybe you need to sit down with him & work out a routine together, he may not want to do some stuff but maybe he can do others so it's a compromise, as long as the chores get done & the kids looked after & happy it doesn't matter as long as you are both happy with the division of responsibility.

Also do you both get any child-free time together or do family things at weekends?

Bossybritches22 · 16/07/2012 10:43

Oh and YANBU

solidgoldbrass · 16/07/2012 10:43

He thinks that because he has a penis, what you do ie looking after the DC, isn't 'work'. The fundamental rule for a fair and happy couple-relationship is equal time off, so his 40-hour week of paid work does not mean he gets all the rest of the time to do whatever he likes; he has to do some domestic work and childcare as well so that you get some leisure, you;re not his servant.

Tell him that his behaviour is selfish and unacceptable and that if he doesn't change, you will be ending the marriage. It is that serious.

MrsWembley · 16/07/2012 10:57

I have a friend whose DH regularly does things like this and she excuses his behaviour by telling me how hard he works, problems with his parents, etc. She also finds it very hard to put her point of view forward with him as he tends to just live in his own little bubble and ignores or talks over her or just plain refuses to listen to her side of things. Trouble is she's wearing herself thin by not sharing the load and sooner or later her kids are going to suffer because they have one very tired and frustrated mummy. So I regularly tell her to grow a pair, sit him down, tell him to shut up and listen and explain to him exactly why and what he needs to do to look after his DCs.

She very proudly told me a couple of weeks ago that she hadn't backed down in an argument and had got her way.

Yes, show your manchild this thread, tell him he has responsibilities that don't end with his paid job. Tell him it's time to stop being a selfish bastard and let his family know who he is!

MrsWembley · 16/07/2012 10:59

off

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