I don't think IBU to ask DH not to do this.

[LegoAcupuncture]

Just had an arguement with DH, he has gone to work and I've nobody to vent to.

He keeps on going upstairs to read his Kindle, does it every day. So if he isn't working, he is upstairs, lying on the bed reading, while I am downstairs dealing with the kids. Even on his days off he is up there. He comes downstairs to eat, might stay for haf an hour then upstairs again until the DC are in bed, then comes downstairs to watch the TV/read.

He seems to think it is his god given right, because he works and I don't, that he can relax as much as he likes. If I were to do the same, disappear as soon as he gets in from work, he would not be happy. Instead I have to put up with it.

Also, while we are on the subject, he thinks he is allowed to stay in bed more than me. He works on shifts, so can start any time from 7am to 12pm. he does 2-3 later starts a week and stays in bed the other times instead of letting me stay in bed. So I'm always the one who gets up with the kids, gets them ready for school and takes them to school.

I'm so fed up with it all. It should be both of us sharing the childcare/housework when he gets in from work/has a day off, not me carrying on all day while he sits on his arse. It's like having a 24 hour job, it never ends.

The arguement was over me asking him to stop going upstairs all the time. I need him to help me with the 3 kids (one has autism).

Lego, that remark about 'but what would I do?' ... is exactly why your H goes upstairs. Because he CAN and he knows you aren't going to do anything about it.

So on his next day off, leave the house. Leave. Take the train, and go to the sea. Go to London and visit the museum. ANYTHING.

When you are not there, he will HAVE to take care of the children he helped produce.

And only come back after he has got them into bed.

Thank you everyone for your replies, they have helped.

I will show him this thread later, and hopefully have an adult conversation about it all.

How many hours do you get to yourself a day/week, eg when all the children are at school or in childcare or asleep in bed or being cared for solely by him? He should not expect more protected reading time than that, IMHO.

You both are entitled to equal amounts of child free leisure time and he is taking the piss. You can't change him but you can change how YOU deal with the situation by taking control.

Ruthless, I get a few hours Tuesday when DS3 is at playgroup and when the DC are in bed. So not all too bad. However school holidays are iminent .

Is he an only child?

Put your foot down and tell him this ends here.
What he is doing is very disprespectful and isn't what being in a relationship should be about, he is spending no time with you or the children not to mention laying on his beehind doing nout whilst you look after all your dc alone!!!
My fil is just like him, he eats his breakfast, lunch and dinner in his bedroom even when guests are around, he even watches tv in his room whilst mil watches living room tv-its very odd

Not an only child, but his siblings are 19 and 15 years older than him. His parents where near 40 when he was born, his mother having had her tubes tied 5 years previously.

i have had similar disagreements with my dp.

you need to have this conversation-

you- what time do you finish work this week?
him- 6pm
you- so you officially clock off from your job at 6pm then?
him- yes
you- when do i clock off from my job?
you- what day can i have as my day off?

and dont let him tell you that your job starts the minute the kids wake up till the minute they go to bed either. (as mine did) otherwise, you're agreeing to 12 hour days (at best) 7 days a week.

we have agreed to shared responsibilty of the kids/dinner/story etc every night after he's in from work. spliting weekend lie ins- he has sun, i have sat. joint care at the weekends, but time for ourselves as required (gym, shopping, seeing family/ friends)

i would expect my dp to read his kindle all he likes when the children are in bed, or on occasions when he just needs an hour peace etc.

i take it he agreed to marriage and having a family? (and wasnt forced at gun point)
i'd be wondering what's made him decide to totally opt out of both now?

Disclaimer: Apologies to anyone who's seen me post this same thing over and over again over the past three or four years!

I work FT. Dh is SAHD. I work bloody hard in a big, stressful job (company MD). I take the kids to school because I had it put in my contract. When I get home I take over from dh straight away - homework/bath/bedtime routines etc. Same at weekends.

Why? Because I want to spend every precious minute out of work with my dc (and not just the 'good bits', the down and dirty bits!) and because I appreciate my dh has done housework, his own work, made dinner, cleaned, taken them to various clubs or played with them.

It makes me spitting mad when men pull the 'I work hard all day so need to relax at home card'!

It is hugely unreasonable and selfish.

Your dh is being a prick.

I get a few hours Tuesday when DS3 is at playgroup and when the DC are in bed

A few hours a week to yourself doesn't sound awful (unless you use that time to go to the supermarket or something). Have you pointed out to him that this is what you get? Officially allowing him a similar-length protected no-responsibility time each week, but expecting him to be available otherwise, sounds fair to me.

That said, hiding the fucking Kindle unless the DCs are asleep seems fair to me too...

it makes me spitting mad when men pull the 'I work hard all day so need to relax at home card'!

Quite. DH does now acknowledge that being at home with awake children is more intense, and that one actually goes to work for a rest...

It sounds as though he was brought up used to not having to share, as he hasd no siblings to compete with and having plenty of time to himself. I think you should ask him what his idea of a relationship is. Being alone in his room is conducive to being alone, not to being in a relationship. Yes he has a right to some head room particularly if he comes home knackered, but not at the expense of you and your well-being.

Tell him you signed up for togetherness not aloneness.

I think that he's trying to be a single man in a family situation, i.e. doing whatever the fuck he likes with none of the responsibilities that go with having a family. I hate that attitude. Fucks me right off (have a friend with a "D"H like this and mine keeps trying it on as well)

Whoever it was who said about the key to a happy marriage is having equal amounts of relaxation time - that's the point I wanted to make as well.
Count up how many hours you get to do what you want to, and how many hours he does the same - if they don't match up, then tell him you want x more hours until they do. It's not about who works harder or who does more - it's having equal "down time".

DH has a bit of a thing of going into his office (he works from a home office much of the time) and sitting watching shit on his laptop for hours on end until I've had enough of it and send DS in to annoy him. Usually does the job - try sending your DC upstairs to annoy their Dad while he's trying to read.

Proud has said that your dh is 'being a prick'.

In my book your dh is a prick and it remains to be seen whether he can be anything else.

If you show your Dh the thread and he is still mystified why you aren't happy (!) you need to keep a log of your hours and responsibilities versus his own and then show him the yawning gap between what he sees as his day and yours - unless he is a real heartless and unreasonable person he will see the balance is tipped massively against you and should get his act together.

it is the path of least resistance to escape whenever possible and rather lazy, so don't accept it. Good luck.

I have worked full time in a very stressful job doing well over 50 hours a week, I have worked part time and for the last year I have been a SAHM. I know which is harder!!! It's the sheer relentlessness of the daily drudgery when you're a SAHM and no, whilst you're in the house you never switch off, especially if you have very young children. There are many positives in being a SAHM but unfortunately there is no escape unless you do have regular time away from home. My DH tends to be rather lazy and every now and then I have to kick his arse about leaving me to do everything but he is nowhere near as bad as your DH sounds. Perhaps log on the free time he's having in comparison to you and show him? You deserve much more of a break than you're getting. Good luck.

Me too Lovestosing. I have worked in a job where the basic 'shift' was 8am to midnight, but you generally were there longer - sometimes right through until 8am. 6 days a week. I did it for 4 years. It was easier than being a 'housewife' because I really did get time off and lunch breaks. With just ONE baby at home, and a dh who thought working in an office was enough work for him, it was a nightmare.

He has to step up and take responsibility. Being a Sahm is not the same as being a drudge.

I think this is really serious, too.
If talking won't help, I think you need to show him exactly what he is doing. When he gets in, go out. Go out at the weekend and leave him to it.

I also wonder why he is opting out now.

Yes, tell him you understand if he needs a shower or a cuppa when he gets in. Half an hour to rest a bit. But the, he is to share in family life, not "help" you.

OP, have you shown him this yet? Or is he yet again locked away in his room, like a teenage boy with a secret porn stash?