Is it worth it, especially when it's so...scary, anyway?

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

I had a whinge on divorce/separation and wanted to ask this here, too...

Can anyone tell me if it's really worth the aggro, stress and misery of going through a separation from someone who doesn't want it and will always be blaming and resentful? I wonder if it's better to just stay with this man who makes me feel like shit, and pretend, because it's easier. I guess it would be OK if I felt like I was looking forward to what's on the other side. I'm in my 40s and was in my 20s when I got married. I think I'm a bit institutionalised and will be like one of those people who's been in prison for so long they can't cope with life on the outside!!

I'm terrified.

Is it normal to feel like this? And is the freedom worth the pain involved in achieving it? It's going to be really lonely, as well, isn't it?

(I am separating after 15 years, 13 of them married, two children, no one else involved)

You say, "I wonder if it's better to just stay with this man who makes me feel like shit"

Of COURSE it's not! You have no idea how great you'll feel when you are finally apart. You will feel as though you are on holiday. You'll wake up feeling happy. Do you do that now?

Totally totally worth it. But when you're going through separation/divorce I think it's almost impossible to believe you'll ever come out the other side of the tunnel. And if there is hostility and lack of co-operation as well, then I think it's normal to question whether it might just not be easy to put up and shut up. I don't think there's anything more lonely than being in a horrible relationship though I really don't. I stayed in my marriage far longer than I should have done because 'i was too scared of what trying to build a life on my own might be like. I wish knowing what I know now, that I'd not wasted so much time in a crap marriage and left years earlier. I feel stronger, tougher, in control and not having to return home to that shite of an ex is heaven. You really WILL get through it. No one deserves to be made to feel like shit or to live their life pretending everything is OK when it's anything but.

Does the thought of another 15 years with him fill you with joy? How about another 20, 30, or 40 years of the same old?

If not, remember the maxim 'no pain, no gain' and know that any temporary pain you may experience on ending your marriage will pale into insignificance in comparison with the gains you'll reap when you're out from under.

Absolutely worth it, yes. No question.

But it will be difficult to do, and surprisingly difficult to adjust to a different mindset in which you finally come to believe that you deserve happiness.

Yes.
I'm 40, married in my late 20s, one child, and left sob over a year ago.

It is definitely worth it.

And I have started to date again too.

"Is it normal to feel like this?"

Yes. Because presumably spent a lot of the last 20 years hoping things got better, which makes you an optimist of sorts. There's also the 'better the devil you know' aspect - fear of the unknown is very powerful. You're probably wondering if you're being selfish, foolish, exaggerating the problems, expecting too much out of marriage... all kinds of mad stuff that can give you cold feet.

Life as a single woman in your 40s can be lonely. But it can also be full of possibilities when you're not being dragged down having to take some miserable man into account. That's the true nature of 'freedom'. The freedom of being genuinely independent and the freedom to make mistakes.

Hi tired

I am in the same boat, feeling the same things as you. I have reached my rock bottom now though, I am just going to ride out the next few months and get on with it. I got my H to leave yesterday, there is no going back, I have tried everything and it has become soul destroying and I barely recognise myself. My main reason for ending the marriage with my verbally abusive husband has to be for my 4 year old DD - she can't grow up thinking this is normal.

Good Luck - I know it is so frightening, I feel absolutely the same as you, but it has to be better the other side than this side. I am at a stage where anything would be better, it has taken 5 miserable years to get here...

Be strong! I am chanelling Katie Holmes!

Thanks everyone. The reassurance is needed and I'm very grateful.

You're probably wondering if you're being selfish, foolish, exaggerating the problems, expecting too much out of marriage... all kinds of mad stuff that can give you cold feet.

Yes, I am. And feeling very guilty as well, like it's somehow frivolous to break up my marriage when dh doesn't beat me or cheat on me and on paper is a 'good husband', and that it makes me a bad person.

when you're going through separation/divorce I think it's almost impossible to believe you'll ever come out the other side of the tunnel

It does feel like that. For financial/practical reasons (house not selling) we are still under the same roof nearly 6 months after separating. No spare room either. It's awful and really wearing me down.

Absolutely worth it, yes. No question. But it will be difficult to do, and surprisingly difficult to adjust to a different mindset in which you finally come to believe that you deserve happiness.

This is what I think I meant when I said I felt institutionalised. I'm worried it will be difficult, and that it won't work and I will think I made a terrible mistake. It all feels such a leap into the unknown and I'm afraid I won't be able to cope.

Lueji, how is dating going? I'm not thinking about that right now, but at 41 I feel very disadvantaged compared with when I was younger. I kind of feel like I have to assume I won't find another partner and operate on that basis.

Anyone who has felt any of these things - can you tell me anything about what it's really like 'on the other side'?

What are the good aspects you didn't anticipate, and what are the worse aspects?

I find it hard to imagine a life where I can be the boss, even little things like buy what I like at the supermarket, listen to the music I want to listen to, not have to justify and refer to someone else for all the big and small decisions or feel anxiety about what they think about my choices.

tired I did smile at 'institutionalised' as I feel like this too, if I ever (very rarely) have a day away from my husband I feel like I am on some sort of 'day release' - totally understand the 'anxiety about what they think about my choices' also.

Thank you for starting this thread as I think it will help a lot of people as you sum up everyone's worries in what you say.

calypso I was writing my last post when you made yours. I can really identify with this:

it has become soul destroying and I barely recognise myself.

Like you it's taken me years to get here, but still the awful doubts, and - to my amazement - nostalgia and grief for the good years at the beginning which were so remote that I thought I'd forgotten what they were like. Sometimes I see an old photo and have to catch my breath, and feel overwhelmed with sadness. I'm finding this really hard.

I don't think it's because it's the wrong decision, but I was just so focused on wanting to get out I didn't have the space to grieve. Because this is 'my' decision (like I really wanted to get married and have a family to break it up), I feel like I'm not allowed to feel sad about the hopes and dreams I've lost myself. And because it's painful, I have doubts that I'm doing the right thing in a way that I didn't before.

I'm worried it will be difficult, and that it won't work and I will think I made a terrible mistake. It all feels such a leap into the unknown and I'm afraid I won't be able to cope.

You will be able to cope.

The very reason you are contemplating leaving is that the part of you that believes you deserve happiness is still the strongest : it hasn't died out yet, and it wants you out so you can aim for happiness.

That part of you will see you through the hard times. You will cope. You will even thrive. Go for it!

"find it hard to imagine a life where I can be the boss"

That's why being trapped crushes your spirit and why trial separations can be a good way of helping you visualise the future. Spend a few weeks apart, get into your own rhythm, and it's amazing how quicly the old you that you recognise in the photos starts to come back. You don't even have to separate formally. Leave the children with your DH for a week and book a break away somewhere.

It's totally worth it, and the end of the marriage is HIS fault for being an abusive arsehole. You have given him chance after chance to behave like a decent person and he hasn't done so. Being single is much better than being with an arsehole. The social insistence that relationships should be 'worked at' and 'stayed with' is bullshit, it's just a way of convincing women that they should eat shit and smile because men want them as servants. Life without an abuser in it will get better and better.

Thanks. I do hope you are right. Cogito I feel like a different person when he's not around. I had a day out with the kids on my own a few weeks ago and it was wonderful - so much joy and laughter. I am hoping for more times like this ahead.

I feel really inhibited when my husband is around. He makes me feel disapproved of, though I don't think he even realises he is doing it. And it's a million times worse since we decided to separate. We are still under the same roof nearly six months on and it's horrible. I tiptoe around trying not to wind him up.

I've been single for a long time and the phrase I hear a lot is 'you're so lucky'... mostly from friends in relationships that have just finished telling me some tale where the husband/partner/boyfriend has been difficult about anything from a night out to a new sofa. There are definitely downsides to being a single adult female but, on balance, the freedom and independence I enjoy is so addictive that the man that persuades me to give it up would have to be really special. I remember thinking married life was OK at the time but, looking back, it was horribly restrictive.

I think you're at the stage where you need to progress from separation to divorce. He isn't going to leave of his own volition and this tiptoeing business is going to make you ill if it carries on.

My mum stayed with my dad, mostly because she couldn't deal with the stigma of a divorce (kind of silly, but we grew up in a very backward place, I guess).

Her life has been miserable, she cries on my shoulder on a regular basis about how she's wasted her life, has never achieved anything, how she hates my dad.

You don't want to be 60 and like my mum. It's truly horrible to see.

I have only started dating, so I can't give the long term point of view.

The thing is that as a single 40 year old, with my career, etc, I feel happy by myself, and I am more aware of the red flags, so (hopefully) I won't fall for the same crap I did with ex.

I also don't feel the pressure to have children, etc.
I am more open to whatever happens.

There are single men out there who want company.

Of course you are not thinking about it at the moment, I responded based on your assumption that you would be alone.
It is best until you feel confident in yourself, but you don't have to assume you will be alone all your life.

And you don't have to be lonely anyway. Build up family and friendship networks, so that you feel supported without the need of a man.

And it's not about the age. The good men should like you for who you are, not for your youth, or physical beauty.

Now I am single, every time something bad happens I wonder ' What would my ex do?'.

And I know what he would do- blame me and do absolutely nothing apart from whinge, whine and lie on the sofa'. It always cheers me up

Hi Cogito. You are right. It's actually already making me ill. I had an emergency psych referral last week. DH accepts the situation and I'm sure we will divorce.

There are big practical issues to consider. In a nutshell, we had houses to buy three months ago, but our buyers pulled out and our house is on the market. DH has now 'lost' the house he wanted to another buyer. My sellers still want to go ahead with their own purchase and some family members (DH's family, just to make it more complicated) have offered to lend some money to us so I can buy 'my' house from these people. There is hardly any suitable property here for me, so it makes sense, but the house is a bit bigger than I need, and at the top end of budget, and we are getting little interest in ours. Prices seem to be falling here and I agreed the price back in April when we had a buyer.

I love the house and can imagine being happy there, but am worried it's too expensive, and a bit overpriced in the current market as well. But the alternative is to stay in limbo, or start looking again (I look every day anyway, and nothing comes up) and I'm desperate to get out of the family home and move on. Plus the kids love the new house and they also need an end to the limbo.

I don't work, but will start work in two years' time when I finish a course I'm doing.

We can't afford to throw money away on rent, DH's business has taken a hammering in the recession. So lots of big decisions to make and it's terrifying, from a practical and an emotional point of view :-(

Emergency psych referrals mean you can't keep prevaricating. Right now you need to get out of each other's lives and, if that means sacrificing a few quid by going for a short term rental, I think that'll be better for your health and happiness in the long-run. There are many occasions in life when you have the luxury of taking your time over making a perfect decision but this isn't one of them. Step 1... move to your own place. Step 2.... find the perfect place.

I can really relate to all your fears and worries about splitting up vs staying together. They're all going round and round in my head too - I know that I want to be happy and that staying won't give me that, but it does feel like a giant wall to be climbed sometimes - and there are all the complicated messy feelings like guilt and worry about the children and being lonely and not being able to do it when you're so used to having to put yourself somewhere down the list. It's scary. You sound like you're nearly there - keep going!

Thanks Orkward. What stage are you at?

Hmm - early stage I guess, in terms of the practicalities anyway. But it's very pressing that things change. Started a few weeks ago that seemed to bump me up very fast from denial to 'oh fuck'. He's agreed to move out for a bit in September, I'm just trying not to slip backwards until then.

No, don't. It's easy to do. I've wanted out for more than 4 years really. And said so - but got every emotional blackmail/guilt trip/threat to stay. Then I talked to the kids about it in front of him - it wasn't planned, it just came out. Since then he's accepted it - finally. Now when I have a wobble and wonder if I should 'try and make it work', he always seems to say or do something that makes me realise it's not possible.

I know it's not possible and I knew for a long time I didn't want to get old with him, but it took AGES to progress that feeling and knowledge into concrete plans to separate. And the process/aggro/admin/stress of it all is so terrible, I still wobble - hence this thread.

Once it's done I suppose you don't look back. I think we will still be under the same roof for another month. I think I can manage that, though having massive exam stress on top of this is driving me half mad.

The darkest hour comes just before the dawn... have to keep strong!

Indeed, if the finances have to be sacrificed so that you (both) can be happy, it should still be worth it.