Is it worth it, especially when it's so...scary, anyway?

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

I had a whinge on divorce/separation and wanted to ask this here, too...

Can anyone tell me if it's really worth the aggro, stress and misery of going through a separation from someone who doesn't want it and will always be blaming and resentful? I wonder if it's better to just stay with this man who makes me feel like shit, and pretend, because it's easier. I guess it would be OK if I felt like I was looking forward to what's on the other side. I'm in my 40s and was in my 20s when I got married. I think I'm a bit institutionalised and will be like one of those people who's been in prison for so long they can't cope with life on the outside!!

I'm terrified.

Is it normal to feel like this? And is the freedom worth the pain involved in achieving it? It's going to be really lonely, as well, isn't it?

(I am separating after 15 years, 13 of them married, two children, no one else involved)

Oops I meant i started thread a few weeks ago that bumped me up from denial - things have been wrong for years too. Also have that 4am sleepless panic thing- it's such a stressful thing isn't it, because it's all on you, you're the one having to make that decision and you need to KNOW that it's the right one, sometimes it seems easier to just live with whatever is wrong and keep going as nothing can be harder than the thought of all that's unknown and maybe even worse. I do worry about the children and my family as I don't think anyone else will understand.

It does sound like you're really close to getting there, well done for making it clear that you can't live like this anymore. I'm sure that you won't regret that decision and you'll be able to breathe again very soon.

tired regarding your house situation, if you're getting little interest, chances are it's overpriced for the market - it's only worth what someone will pay for it.

We can't afford to throw money away on rent is it really throwing so much money away if you rent somewhere after the sale rather than buying? Don't forget that at the start of a mortgage, nearly all the mortgage payment is interest, and very little is reducing the capital. And it makes quite a difference if you can say "no chain". Just make sure you've exchanged contracts before you commit to a rental.

My divorce was 2 years ago, we sold the house for £40k less than we were hoping, and even then it took 9 months. Basically started at what we hoped for, then dropped it until there were a few people interested even then we had to negotiate them up from their original offer. One of us bought a new house tied in with the sale and the other rented - tying two purchases in with a sale is a nightmare, with so much more likelihood of it all falling apart.

All worked out fine and I don't think either of us had regrets over how we did it.

In short yes it is!

I left two years ago after a 24 year marriage.
I am now working on the financial settlement but I am happier calmer stronger and a nicer person out of a difficult relationship. I'm not sure my DC would agree but they only know what they grew up with. I still have to show them how life should be!

Just take it really slowly, move a small step at a time in the direction you want to go, but don't stop or go backwards and you will arrive eventually!

tired it is very scary for a while and that made me afraid I'd done the wrong thing. But the fear passes and then it just feels a bit odd and unfamiliar. Then it's just simply great and you look back and wonder why the hell you didn't kick him out years ago. Good luck.

How are you today tired? I woke up with the horrors, but am still resolute. The horrors pass quite quickly.

Day 2 of no husband, after ten months of living under the same roof but separately I am beginning, already, to relax a bit. When I hear the lift doors opening on my floor my stomach has started to not tie itself in knots as I am the only person with keys now - nobody coming in or out except me!

it's such a stressful thing isn't it, because it's all on you, you're the one having to make that decision and you need to KNOW that it's the right one, sometimes it seems easier to just live with whatever is wrong and keep going as nothing can be harder than the thought of all that's unknown and maybe even worse - Orkward this is exactly how I feel. People who've come out the other side seem to not look back in the end but I often feel I just haven't got the stomach to go through the process.

Lemon I think you are very brave getting out of a 24 year marriage. Mine has been half that, and I still feel like I won't know who I am outside it. I'm glad it's working out for you.

Myselfagain your name says it all about why I want to do this. How long did it take for you to go through the stages you described?

Monkey thanks for your advice. I'm worried we will be months finding a buyer too. I had a chat with the kids and they really love this other house, so I think I have to go for it. Buying without mortgage so rent money would be being thrown away - only one of us has an income at the moment. It's more complicated because I know the people I'm buying from. Not well, but we have mutual friends. I hate gazundering - kind of feel like a deal is a deal - but a lot of friends are telling me that I should try to negotiate the price down given the state of the market. They seem to planning to strip the house completely so there will be lots of outlay at the beginning and my offer was close to the asking price. It's a horrible dilemma.

Hi calypso. I'm OK thanks, but it's getting harder not easier under the same roof. DH is cold and quite hostile at the moment. Lots going on with end of term stuff and elder one finishing at her school this summer (going to 2ndary in Sept). I feel awful for her that this is happening now, but she is very positive and resilient.

Where has your husband gone? Does he accept the situation or is he difficult about it?

Yes, it gets harder, much harder, not easier being under the same roof. It is hideous - it sounds so reasonable on paper but is awful. 10 months has nearly finished me off.

Where we live rent is cheap but my husband didn't want to move out - he can't find anywhere as nice as this flat. (True - it is a lovely flat) However, as someone wisely said upthread it is totally true that a short term plan is far, far the wisest move, if it costs a bit more and if you haven't got the perfect abode, it does't matter short term - this can be sorted, mental health is trickier.

I was definitely going slightly mad so gave my final ultimatum this weekend after he screamed at me again (over what I was making for his lunch[hmmm]). So, he has finally gone - I don't know where yet, but anything was better than the atmosphere and constant verbal abuse I was going through (and my daughter was hearing) every day.

I am resolute and you will be too when the time is right for you. It has taken me bloody ages! I just kept delaying the inevitable.

I don't know what lies ahead, obviously, but it HAS to be better.

tired my instant (and fleeting) response to the end of my marriage was relief. For the record I think that is a true reflection before the fear kicks in. The fear was huge and knocked my flying. I hadn't expected that and I'm telling you so if you leave you're not shocked. I was terrified that this anxious person was who I am without H. That i'd be like that forever. It's not. That stayed for quite a few months if I'm honest and the pain when the kids were away was big too. I'd say it was 6 months before that subsided. Which is a long time to feel horrid. I relied really heavily on my friends who consistently reassured me it would be ok. TBH even now, 8 months down the line, I feel kind of odd. But it's good too and I cannot believe I even doubted it for a second. I'm not lonely. There are huge compensations to being on your own. All the stuff that scared me like him finding a new partner (he has) are perfectly possible to handle.

Don't stay if it's over and you're unhappy.