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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling resentful

52 replies

NoNoNoMYDoIt · 15/07/2012 16:54

Didn't want to post this in AIBU, but it is one really.

As always, there is a long story. But to cut it short, I am divorced, have two DCs (6 and 3), and a shared residence agreement with their father. I own my own home, work part-time and support myself and the children, with a small amount of maintenance from their father.

My partner is a fair bit older than me, separated, has adult children. He hasn't divorced (another long story). The financial settlement he has agreed with his wife means that when they sold the marital home, she got all the equity and bought a house with it, so she is mortgage free. He took all the marital debt (a MASSIVE amount) and he pays her spousal maintenance. She works but earns substantially less than him.

So - he has no house and a massive amount of debt, which he is trying to pay off as quickly as he can. He officially lives with his parents, but spends no time there really. He rents a house through work - which work pays for, as his job means he has to travel.

He stays with me 4 - 6 nights a week. He wants to move in (another story). But he can't really afford to give me any money towards the bills because all of his incomings go on the debt and maintenance to his wife. He has offered to pay me £200 a month, but I know that if he gives me that, it just prolongs the debt situation as it is £200 a month he is not paying off his debt. And anyway given my mortgage is 4 times that before even any bills / food, I feel it's a bit of an insult really. But I think that is because I am resentful - and possibly unreasonable?

I don't feel it's my place to comment on the settlement he has agreed, which has left him penniless. But I do feel resentful that he wants to come and live with me and my kids and yet can't contribute.

This is having a negative impact on the way I feel about our relationship. But it's not something I know how to fix. I have to accept this situation for the way it is, right? Because there isn't anything I can do about it, is there?

OP posts:

ecclesvet · 15/07/2012 17:00

"But I do feel resentful that he wants to come and live with me and my kids and yet can't contribute."

But he can, and has offered to.

Original poster

NoNoNoMYDoIt · 15/07/2012 17:07

Yes, he has offered to. But only when I've got upset with him and explained how I feel. And I think what he said was 'by the end of the summer I should be able to give you £200 a month because I will have paid off enough of my cards to be able to get a loan to pay off some of the debt, and that will free up some money'. Then he found out he couldn't get a loan because there was too much debt still so it would be another 18 months till he was able to get a loan. But he offered the £200 anyway - which would make it even harder for him to pay off his debt. And prolong the whole thing.

And anyway £200 a month... really? He wants to move in and pay me £200 a month to live in my house, including all the bills, food and everything else?

I guess I must be unreasonable....

OP posts:

Dprince · 15/07/2012 17:08

Personally I would prefer him to clear the debt and the divorce was finished with before he moved in.
But Thu your post confuses me, how has the financial settlement gone through, they have managed to seek the house and she has bought a new without the divorce being finalised. These things take time, is their a reason there is no divorce.
Also why does he 'officially' live at his parents if work are paying for a house? Why are work paying for a house of he practically lives at yours?
I don't really get the situation. You also said he doesn't have a house but he does.

Dprince · 15/07/2012 17:09

They have managed to sell the house.

Original poster

NoNoNoMYDoIt · 15/07/2012 17:12

OK - the divorce hasn't gone through because his wife doesn't want to be divorced. Happy for a separation and a financial 'agreement' (even though it is nothing without a divorce, I know). But doesn't want to be divorced. So he is going to have to wait for 5 years separation and do it that way - it has been over 2 years now.

Work pays for a room in a house for him as it is cheaper than him staying in hotels all the time in the week. He should stay there more than he does but he prefers to come here. It is just a room he rents, but he pays £350 a month for it (which work reimburses). And he spends 1 - 2 nights a week there.

OP posts:

OneHandFlapping · 15/07/2012 17:13

I may be being cynical, but are you sure they're separated?

I really can't see any situation where a man would take ALL the marital debt, NONE of the marital assets, AND pay his wife maintenance.

Dprince · 15/07/2012 17:19

Tbh I am with onehand. This doesn't make sense. The 'officially' living with parents bit doesn't. If he has a house paid for why would he 'officially' live anywhere else.
It seems strange they agreed she gets all the money and he gets all the debt, especially since they are not getting divorced.

Viviennemary · 15/07/2012 17:20

Doesn't sound as if he has had a very fair deal from the arrangment. Maybe he should go back to court and renegotiate it. I would be reluctant to let him move in if he is still officially married and before his finances are in some sort of order.

Wigglewoo · 15/07/2012 17:20

This is extremely cheeky and wrong but could you tell his work he's renting a room from you? Hence you pocket the £350 plus his £200 contribution....

runs and hides

Original poster

NoNoNoMYDoIt · 15/07/2012 17:39

thanks all.

the reason he still says that he lives with his parents is to enable him to continue getting work to pay for the house. his parents house is very close to the former marital home. the house that work pays for is 200 miles away. i am another 100 miles further away from there.

there is no way work would pay for him to live here - we both work for the same company... we both have to travel - he travels a lot more than i do, though.

and yes, he is definitely separated. they didn't go to court - he agreed this settlement with her and it is being finalised now. obviously it won't be binding until there is a divorce (which she won't agree to).

i guess my issues are probably less about the £200; and probably more about the fact that he has come off so badly from this arrangement and it threatens to affect me and my kids

if he moved in with me, without a formal legal settlement, his full salary would be taken into consideration, and i guess i could end up having to pay my DC's dad maintenance.

also - i manage on a tight budget. i can afford to look after the kids; get no benefits and a small amount of maintenance. but i don't feel like i should have to subsidise him - which i am doing when he is here 4 - 6 nights a week, without paying. but then i feel bad, because if this were a man posting saying 'I don't want to support my partner', everyone would be less than impressed.

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 15/07/2012 17:53

He's not really your partner, though.

He's your boyfriend. How long have you been together?

You don't live together, don't share finances, and he's married (legally at any rate) to someone else and is planning to be for another 3 years.

I think you would be crazy to take on the financial basketcase that he represents given the bananas arrangement he has with his wife.

izzyizin · 15/07/2012 18:52

It doesn't make economic sense for him to move in with you, but if he's spending 4-6 nights a week at your home it would seem that he's effectively living with you without making any financial contribution to your outgoings.

You do realise that, if she were so minded, his dw could divorce him for adultery and cite you as co-respondent?

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/07/2012 20:05

Sorry to be so blunt but this arrangement has him poncing off of you, and your ex isnt going to want to pay maiontenance while he is there, plus you are going to lose your
single person supplement on the house rates, if you are claiming it.

Your not winning in anyway out of this to be honest, in fact its going to cost you dearly.

Downandoutnumbered · 15/07/2012 20:13

Sorry to be harsh, but I think you really need to stop him spending so much time at your house. He's agreed a bonkers arrangement with his not-very-soon-to-be ex wife, and you're absolutely right that he could completely mess up your finances if you let him properly move in with you. Even if he's perfect in every other way, you need to stay clear and protect yourself till (a) he's out of debt and (b) he's divorced.

I also do smell a bit of a rat about this arrangement. Do you have any independent evidence that she's ended up with all the assets and maintenance?

Original poster

NoNoNoMYDoIt · 15/07/2012 20:14

We have been seeing each other on and off since he left his wife. We have seen more of each other since his house sole (feb this year) presumably because he has no permanent base now. More of his stuff is at my house than anywhere else

His wife knows about me but won't divorce him on grounds of adultery because she doesn't want to be divorced.

All of this is making me feel so resentful I think. Don't know where to go from here. Other than that I don't want him to move in 'officially'.

OP posts:

Dprince · 15/07/2012 20:16

At the moment he is living with you, just not officially.
I think you need to make him take a step back.

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/07/2012 20:20

Hmm

Cheap storage
sex on tap
no bills
no responsibilty
free food and board
oh and you even insure his stuff un intentionally if things went up in flames

heres a baby wipe hun go look in the mirror and wipe the word mug off your forehead x

dequoisagitil · 15/07/2012 20:23

He must be spending craploads on petrol if he's travelling an extra 100 miles both ways 4 or 5 times a week to stay with you.

I wouldn't have him move in officially if I were you, he should sort things out better. At the moment he would be a millstone around your neck and it's no way to conduct a relationship, starting from such a footing where you already resent the situation. It just won't work.

lisaro · 15/07/2012 20:24

Basically, you're helping support the wife and he expects you to do so even more. This guy doesn't sound much of a catch if he's that daft with money. Something isn't right. Sorry but get rid.

RandomMess · 15/07/2012 20:27

He needs to rethink his financial settlement, sounds like he's been duped and held over a barrel...

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/07/2012 20:27

Could it be the wife gets the house because she deserves it etc

why are the divorcing, you never know she might have put more money in to it anyway, maybe thats why she gets it.

startlife · 15/07/2012 21:14

I think you need to listen to the feelings of resentment. Your partner does have choices however he seems to be accepting that you will help him out. Whilst it's fine to be supportive to a partner there seems to be an assumption from him that you will do this. Was the £200 a done deal or did he offer to discuss the amount? I don't think you are unreasonable to expect more of a contribution and certainly don't assume some level of responsibility, i.e if he pays you then he can't pay off debts. It's his problem (don't own it)

He is is an adult and needs to work this out - he can't be fair to his ex wife and unfair to you (or any other partner) It's his job to figure out how he does that.

I'm not sure she can really make him wait 5 years - has he had legal advice? He could get divorced, I think it would be referred to as a contested divorce but legal bods could assist with this.

How he is treating you now is the template for future..are your needs bottom of the pile? As you have dc's you need to think through the implications of being tied with a man who is not yet legally free. You seem to be in a good (& enviable) position for a lone parent but this man could erode that position.

Listen to your instinct - you are feeling resentful not just because of the money but because of how he is treating you.

Original poster

NoNoNoMYDoIt · 15/07/2012 21:21

The wife gets the house because of his guilt I think. He knew she didn't want a divorce so he has gone all out to provide for her. She didn't work while the kids were growing up and only reluctantly went back to work when he said he didn't want more kids (they had 3. She wanted 10). Her earnings are way lower than his so I understand why he feels like he needs to continue providing for her and make the settlement generous.

He thinks none of this has an impact on me but it does. Doesn't help that I have a fear of debt. I don't have any - other than my mortgage. So him having 10s of thousands of pounds worth of debt is something I also struggle with.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoNoNoMYDoIt · 15/07/2012 21:23

Yes - she won't consent to a divorce therefore he has to wait 5 yrs. she won't apply for legal aid and has said he has to pay her legal fees. Which is presumably why he won't push for divorce. Too much guilt there still from his perspective.

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/07/2012 21:25

I wouldnt struggle to be honest, theres an easier solution to all this, find someone available, both mentally physically and solvent.

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