I really don't like my in-laws....dreading the next few months...

[itdoesnthurttohavemanners]

Just a post really to see if anyone out there is in the same boat?

I have absolutely nothing in common with the in-laws whatsoever - apart from the obvious! I disagree with their whole outlook on life, they let their son down imo (and in my DH's opinion) when he was growing up, we don't have similar views on anything (e.g. I'm pro-education, privately educated, 2 degrees, believe in working hard; they don't see the point of education and have 4 children who have not succeeded/reached their potential, 3 of whom are life long 'on the dolers'..my DH is the exception) and I just have nothing to talk to them about at all. They have no interest or knowledge in news or current affairs, so it's hard to make small talk, they are not interested in my job in the slightest (MIL doesn't work, never has done, FIL, he works in a warehouse - I do ask him how work is going etc) and make no attempt to find out.

After 2 years they literally do not know me at all. I find meeting up with them a huge effort. I haven't even met my SIL (I know!)who's just about to give birth any minute now. They don't start conversations, it's all left to me, they ask no questions, they literally no nothing about me, my background, my upbringing, my hopes/fears/dreams/likes/dislikes.

Anyways, I'm 6 months pg and obviously we're v v excited. I'm absolutely dreading how the in-laws will fit in with us having the baby. I'm presuming they will want to be involved, but have shown little/no interest. However, DH naturally talks about how often we will go and see them, how they could look after the baby for us (I am totally totally against this idea!) and how this could bring him closer to his parents. TBH it's as if he's trying to forget the shitty upbringing he had and give his folks another chance.

I realise you can choose your friends and not your family! But do I have to involve our new baby in their lives? They're not interested at present.

I know some of you will probably flame me for this and say I have a duty to make sure our baby has two sets of grandparents, but really, I don't want their influence upon our child!! DH is still scarred by their poor parenting!!!

Anyone else out there got any similar issues with their in-laws?

Sounds like they won't be interested tbh
Why hasn't dh introduced you to your sil? That's his fault not theirs

You do sound a bit if a snob tbh.

But if they aren't interested you wont need to worry.

I have no plans for DHs biological father to meet the baby I'm carrying. If he expresses an interest I'll tolerate his wishes as best I can.

My stepsons have a Grandad in DHs stepfather. Blood means bugger all to me, someone posted recently that family is not in genes and I agree with that. My (step)FIL is someone I trust and respect, my (bio)FIL is someone I wouldn't trust to feed the cats let alone influence my stepsons or baby!

If they are not interested, then they're not interested. Your DH could be setting himself up for hurt if he thinks having a baby will improve their relationship. What do you "presume"? If they've not shown any interest it's unlikely to change.

Why have you not met your SIL - could you not arrange that?

You do sound a bit judgy and superior, and it's as if your anticipating and relishing the idea of conflict with them.

Do you think it is possible they are intimidated by you? They might be salt of the earth types and have not experienced much of life beyond their immediate environs. They could be holding back from engaging for fear of letting their son down or being embarrassed by the obvious disparity between their lifestyle and yours.

They could be intellectually inferior to you and their son, but that does not mean they do not hold other admirable qualities.

I think if you love their son and want to have a relationship of any sort with them you need to try and dig deep and find something about them that you can work with in a positive way. If they are kind and loving people that will not be hard to do despite the downsides.

Life would be very dull if we were all the same!

I think this is one of those wait and see things.Though I can see how this could play on your mind.
It may become a case of,your DH takes baby to see them on his own from time to time.Or you may go along too occasionally.

I don't necessarily believe you "have a duty to make sure our baby has two sets of grandparents" - I think it is the parenting relationship which is of primary importance to any child, and nice grandparents are just an added bonus. However, I do think you have to tread carefully in this situation to avoid hurting your DH. It would be much better for him to realise for himself that they are not the perfect GPs he is hoping for than for you to keep pointing it out to him.

My advice would be to take a back seat and let them make the first move. If they ask to come and visit, invite you to stay, are very keen to meet their new GC etc etc, then I think you should say yes as much as possible and do your best to put up with them. No need to worry about leaving the baby with them at this stage - you can see how things work out before making any decisions about that. But if they aren't interested in being hands on GPs (which it sounds like they probably won't be), then there's no need for you to make a huge effort out of a sense of duty.

Putting all else aside-your husband hopes this baby will bring him closer to his parents?

Fuck that!

I am sorry to pile more into the mix but I would be more worried that they genuinely won't want to know, and how this will affect both you and your husband. You really do need to consider this scenario (bitter experience)

Bitter experience here too.

When attracted to someone, look very carefully at their family. You don't just marry an individual, you marry a whole load of coping skills/ expectations/ defaults/ assumptions/ culture.

All teenage girls need to be told this. Love isn't everything, and it wears down after a while, and then the above sh*t, that you didn't cause and can't cure, comes into play.

I can kind of relate here, OP.

My DP's parents are very similar. Although you come across as maybe feeling a bit superior to them I may come across that way too, although it's not intentional at all. What I mean by it is they are a bit rough as in swear a lot, don't mind having a good old fist fight etc and therefore I don't really feal all that comfortable with them either.

Similarly my DP loves his parents but didn't see that much of them when he was younger. He did live with them some of the time, but some of the time with his Nan. They are pretty overbearing and controlling and also let him down i.e say they are coming up to visit us and not even phoning us on the morning they were due to visit to say they couldn't come up. My DP has had to phone them up an hour or so after they were expected to turn up and ask where they were - to an indifferent 'oh we're not turning up now' not even a sorry :o

Although you don't have a lot in common with them are they generally nice people and be kind to you? That's an important thing to notice; how they seem to see you. Also, do you think your opinion on their background gets in the way of you trying to get along with them and find similar interests?

Popular talking points for all sorts of people are music, shows on tv, what everyone in the family is doing or heck if you have to, the weather.

People are different, it doesn't necessarily mean they are wrong. I hope they do take an interest but aren't interfering or nasty to your future DC and stop letting your DH down--although if they do this regularly, that may be unlikely to change. I wish you the best of luck :)

Babies are amazing and wonderful, but they cannot perform magic.

If the ILs weren't interested in their own children, and they're not interested in the baby (or you, or DH) now, it's unlikely that they'll be battering down your door demanding to fulfill their grandparent duties.

Think you'll just have to play it by ear, but stay in control of access. It would be wrong of your DH to push for a level of involvement that they won't live up to, and totally unfair on the baby to be subjected to inadequate care.

There seem to ben an awful lot of value judgements going on here. You say that in YOUR opinion (and your DHs) your DH was "let down" and "scarred" by his "shitty upbringing".

Was this physically/emotionally neglectful or abusive or toxic parenting, or do you just feel this way because you "don't have similar views on anything" and your DH hasn't been able to succeed in life or reach his potential because of their lack of aspiration in life?

Your DH seems to still love his parents very much and want them to be involved in your lives. Believe it or not, it IS possible for people who aren't educationally, materially or socially ambitious to be loving, caring parents, and be decent and productive members of society. Parents aren't always responsible for their children's lack of success in life. You say your FIL has a job?

You do sound -a bit immature and sheltered rather snobbish. Your lifestyle choices are entirely admirable - it doesn't mean your husbands families' values automatically make them worthless trash. Lack of education can be horrendously stunting.

I know - I've married into a very similar family My ILs have refused to meet me or my DS (their only (step) grandchild) since our wedding day 9 years ago. They are always "too ill" for visitors, or to come and visit us. They have absolutely no interest whatsoever in me or my family or my son, but DH always visits them every few weeks. He can manage about 2 days tops. But he still phones his poor old Dad for a chat every day without fail. He has forgiven them for being crap, abusive and useless parents. My ILS (MIL, PIL and SIL) have refused to even talk to me on the phone since I went to Uni as a mature sudent 2 years ago.

you sound lovely

Well aren't you just all puffed up with yourself?

Get over your feelings of superiority (it stands out a mile) and accept that you have married into this family.

It doesn't sound as though they affect your day to day lives much at all...so I don't see the problem, other than your frightful snobbery. Tbh.

You sound very snobby tbh and like you feel you are better than them and if you come across like that on here then they probably pick up on it tool.
Maybe their parenting of your DH didn't meet your high standards but he must have turned out Ok or you wouldn't have married him.
Being "pro-education, privately educated, having 2 degrees, and believing in working hard doesn't make you better than anyone else or a nice person. Having empathy and kindness and getting on with people different to yourself does.
But from what you say the chances are they won't even be interested in your baby anyway, which will suit you fine (although it will hurt your DH but hey ho - as long as you don't have to lower yourself to interact with them).

Oh and btw OP my fil and his wife couldn't give a toss about me....they could not be less intererested in my life if they tried. They're not that taken with me tbh.

I can live with it for the kids' sake.

You seem offended that they are not as impressed by you as you think they should be. Why would they ask about your job? Is your job especially interesting to people?
Or do you just assume that you are better than them and they should be grateful to bask in your presence? Cos that's kinda how it sounds....

It seems to me that your ILs feel a little intimidated by you. You have had a very different upbringing from their son. They have different values (which I don't necessarily agree with either), but you do come a cross as a little superior and dismissive of them and their lifestyle.

I am pro education, but if I had been to private school it isn't something I would boast about in the company of your husband's family. That would only serve to alienate them further.

And why have you not met your SIL? It seems a bit odd to me.

The baby might give you more common ground, but on the other hand they might still not be interested. As SIL is about to give birth they will be far more excited about that because she is much closer to them physically and emotionally. I expect they find you unaproachable and difficult to talk to as well and this may be why they can't get as excited about your baby.

I think you are as isolated in your own lilttle world as the ILs. Can't you watch the X factor with them and discuss the participants. Not many people want to discuss another's job unles they do something similar and therefore have stuff in common. Do you both have gardens, can you ask their advice on veg growing? The PIL are the product of their own upbringing, they weren't born lazy, or whatever your criticism is of them.

Cut them some slack.

What about tracing the ancestors and asking them about their DPs and DGPs. That should prove interesting and perhaps cast a light on their childhoods etc.

The nastiness towards people perceived to be 'posh' on this site is just hideous. Why do you think you can talk this way to people whom you ideologically have been taught by Labour clowns not to like, when you would NEVER talk to other groups like that?

LIsten to what she is saying. She is hurt because they are NFI. You don't have to drag your insecurities and projections into it.

I think it's you who's projecting wobbly - ha ha ha that Mumsnet is anti 'posh'!

OP you do come across as snooty, I can almost see you wince as you confess 'fil works in a warehouse'.

Look, tbh in your shoes I would feel a bit snobby too (not about the warehouse but about the lack of decent convo). I hope to goodness I wouldn't show it though!

It's funny. Our kids are 10 and 8 and we had no idea how all the various grandparents and step-gps and great-gps would be with the dc. They have, for the most part, been pretty great. But as everyone else has said you can't force them to be interested if they're not.

We took the view that we were first time parents but they were all first gps so it was a learning curve and a new phase for them as well as us.

Nobody is saying she's posh. Just a snob. Theres a difference.

Who said anything about 'posh'?
Some of us said the OP was snobby - which is not the same. At all.

there was no real need, and let's be honest, to mention your two degrees and having been privately educated

Just be polite and civil to them, because no matter what they are your oh's parents and they deserve that much respect. You will inevitably get on with your own life and they with theirs, and I suggest you relax a little bit. Your hormones are still a bit haywire and you're preparing for the birth of a baby.

In life sometimes, people are unfortunately born into circumstances that they find it hard to get out of, and work/employment can be one of them. You wouldn't know, but it causes severe depression and many people feel too worthless to get out in the world, train as something and earn a living. Change is scary. You have pretty much been given your education on a silver platter, and that's great, but don't be subtly superior about it, nor judge your in laws and the rest of the family. Help them if they want to be helped or if not, leave them to it and maintain a good character. It costs nothing, and you won't do yourself or the baby any favours by not making an effort.

I think that there's been quite a lot of nastiness to the op who's come on here to discuss something that it's probably quite difficult to talk about in rl.

Op, it doesn't sound like your ils have changed since you got married. How were you expecting to feel? I'm wondering why this has become an issue now.