I've gone into complete panic mode. Verging on hibernation mode. Please help.

[JackieandJudy]

Dh is ill, and has been since just after we met. Over the years we've had so much to deal with, and I think it would be fair to say that I have dealt with most of it reasonably well (I'm generally ok at coping when things are going wrong, it's usually afterwards I have a bit of a wobble).

The situation is slightly different this time in that, instead of finding ourselves in the middle of an emergency, he has a planned operation coming up for next Monday. And I'm so bloody scared. The odds we have been given are not good. I can't stop thinking about Monday and am constantly doing the "what if ...?" thing. The elder dc know it's serious stuff coming up and are scared themselves, hence are looking to us for guidance and reassurance. I've tried but today I'm all out of trying and have locked myself in the bedroom. Smallest dc knows Dad has to go to hospital but is oblivious of the wider implications.

I'm shaking constantly. I keep crying at random moments (yes, that was me in Sainsbury's who cried when I dropped the apples!), I can't do this for another week. But I have to. I don't want to talk to rl friends as I will cry and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me anyway.

But I'm happy to listen if any of you lovely ladies have any ways to help me get through this week, and possibly after.

here and still thinking of you.

Me too x

Oh ladies (and gents if any here), I know I keep saying this but I simply can't believe how amazing you all are, I am touched to the core, honestly I am. Please god if I can ever offer any one of you anything at all let me be able to do it. This thread has been so eye opening for me, I knew of course there were good people out there, but never knew there were so many willing to go so far. I won't go on and thank individual posters because each and every one of you has posted something meaningful and caring, and I am grateful.

Just a quick post really to catch you all up - I'm hoping none of you will think me a drama queen because it's all a bit unbelievable and so so dispiriting. We waited until about 11pm last night before finally getting to see a doctor. His opening words to dh were "what's wrong" and I think it was a full five minutes before he got another word in! To cut a long story short, he was rude and condescending and obviously couldn't give two hoots. Dh (having been admitted, had an ECG, all the usual obs, even a blood sugar test despite telling the nurse he wasn't diabetic etc) was so tempted to come home with me, but was eventually persuaded to stay overnight.

This morning, one of the two surgeons who was meant to be operating appeared and, in a nutshell, said it wasn't his fault, he didnt know why dh wasn't on the list, and he could probably come back for the op in two weeks or so. Again, he was disinterested in dh's pleas re starting bar school and having left four traumatised dc at home etc.

I picked dh up at 2ish and on the way home we had a phone call from the admissions lady. The op is now re-scheduled for 20 August but dh must go in on 18th. When asked why, she said that it was in order for the Trust's protocol of not making any patient wait for more than 28 days since the original date of their procedure (which was 23 July). So in order not to put their figures out, Dh has yet again to waste more hours of his precious life waiting round in hospital - as if he hasn't wasted enough time in them already. I'm beginning to think they have an ulterior motive and want him to drop dead, thus saving the money of operating on him. (I don't really think they think that, but I'm not thinking too rationally!)

He is beyond gutted, and so am I. Bar school will probably not happen now. I wish I had a punch bag so I could go and use it! It's not fair. Three silver lining to the great big cloud - dd, who went on her holiday yesterday, can at least enjoy herself now without worrying too much about her Dad. Ds3 is 8 on Saturday so dh will now be home to celebrate with us. And he will also be home when ds1's A-level results come out (although, that may not be such a good thing!)

Good night lovely people, am going to bed now as shattered. x

Ooh, that wasn't such a short post after all, sorry!

Sending you a massive squashy vitual hug JandJ

I really would consider contacting PALS and telling them what you have been though, they are great and will work as a buffer for you and hospital.

Sending love x

Sorry to hear you were messed around but glad you have got a date now.

Just wanted to add my good wishes J&J.

Bugger I mean. Teary from reading this thread - Mumsnet at its best...

If all this turns out well, I'm going to have a party simply for lovely mn'ers. There will be a selection of izzy's df's cocktails and don't know what else yet but I still cant get over the outpouring of love and care from you all.

Now I really am going to bed before I come over all maudlin!

So, so sorry J and J.

glad for your silver linings and at the ineptitude shown. Also the ridiculous statement about the trusts figures....I know the individuals don't put targets over real people but it seems that the systems only work for these things and not more humanely.

Stay strong and enjoy the time as much as you can.

xxfool

On your behalf "grrrrrrrrr!!!" lists getting ballsed up I'll buy as probably an underpaid summer temp somewhere but to have to go in two days early to block a bed for their figures?!! PALS for sure and a letter to the trust to start I think! Good luck with the A Level results in the meantime...

Sincerely hoping you and DH are getting some rest now after today and that the surgery went ahead and safely. Love to you and yours

Ok, so it serves me right for taking so long to finish my post when I'm supposed to be working.

So sorry that you are being so badly messed around. How you and the DC's are keeping your heads I'll never know. You sound so coherent.

If I were you I'd take some of that coherence straight into the complaints procedure and as for sitting around in hospital to maintain their figures GRRRRR!

My prayers will remain with you and whatever happens, and whatever the timescale we'll be there for you all.

Good news about being around for exam results and birthdays though

I was going to say contact PALS but I see Puffin got in first. So sorry you have (both really) been messed around.

Aw, honey. I'm so sorry that your dh has to wait yet again for his op. It's not fair and it's not on for them to keep him dangling.

I'm adding my voice to those telling you to lodge a formal complaint and I hope you'll make it clear that your dh isn't going to spend any longer in hospital pre-op than he needs to just so they can massage their statistics.

Maybe you feel reluctant to complain? Don't be as it's often the only way you get treated with any respect by institutions such as the NHS. If you don't register a complaint in writing my fear is that they'll keep on messing him around.

In an attempt to put a positive spin on the unfairness of this latest setback, today's thought is that sometimes

Things fall apart so that other things can fall together

Here's hoping that it'll be third time lucky for your dh.

I am so sorry to hear that the operation didn't go ahead after all. There really does need to be some kicking butts going on after this.

I add my voice to those suggesting that you make a formal complaint. Start with the information you were given when the operation was first mentioned ...... it HAD to be done sooner rather than later. I certainly wouldn't be taking him in a day early to massage their figures. I would be tempted to send a copy of your letter the Trust's Auditors (often the Audit Commission, but may be a contract awarded to a private agency like KPMG). Google the name of your Trust and 'auditor' and you will see who it is.

Also, contact the place where your DH is registered to start his Bar studies. It is possible to cover a few weeks of deferment and allow your DH to be a late-starter. Students don't always register on Day 1 (for lots of reasons including funding problems).

Be assured that all those on this thread will continue with prayers and positive thoughts until your DH is through his operation and well into his recovery period. We aren't going anywhere! We will hold your hand for as lon as you need us.

Great Thought for the Day Izzy!

hi JandJ .

keep on keeping on!

I agree. Contact PALS. Maybe your local MP would be a good person to contact too. Am not going to suggest local paper in case the publicity would just be an added stress?

Definitely contact Bar School and see what they can do to help him. I'm sure they will be as supportive as possible and will have protocols in case to cover all sorts of eventualities.

If you go ahead with the MN party I am offering desserts! I used to have a part-time dessert business so they are pretty good I am also heading towards my second year of a Law Degree so can pick your dh's brain in return! (All altruistic motives out of the window there!).

I am so very sorry that you have this additional stress. Unfortunately, it seems to be par for the course with the NHS, nowadays.

I totally agree that you need to make a formal complaint, but I imagine its the last thing you feel able to cope with right now. A couple of weeks wont make much difference, so perhaps you should leave it until DH is back home, and on the road to recovery. THEN hit em like a ton of bloody bricks! When my late precious DH was in and out of hospital, a Consultant told me that if I didnt learn to shout, I would just be ignored. Also, I should remember that we -and others like us - were, in effect, his "boss", and paying his, and the rest of the staffs salaries. Nice man, but he was very much in the minority, sadly. I did learn to shout like a good`un though, and, if not exactly loved, I was respected for it.

I continue to send love, and prayers to a very brave lady.

Like you FAN, I did a lot of shouting for my late-DH. He spent 2 weeks in hospital being treated for the wrong diagnosis. As I sat by his bed from noon until 9pm every day, I learnt a lot and knew when the results were going the wrong way even though the nurses and junior doctors were saying "That's fine". It wasn't fine, he was getting worse for goodness sake! So I jumped up and down and made demands.... and they did more tests. the hospital had it completely wrong - he was terminal. But at least with the right diagnosis he got the correct treatment to keep him comfortable.

JandJ, you will be emotionally drained today after the events of Wednesday and Thursday. Take good care of yourself. You are too important to your DH and family.

It makes me sick to think people who are already ill or taking care of someone who is have to fight to get what they need. I've had experience of that myself and it is heartbreaking. People who are suffering should be looked after and prioritised. SW It frightens me how often people are misdiagnosed too. I know some conditions have similar symptoms and there can be confusion there but it's so dangerous. I know it's part due to funding too but it's inexcusable.

JandJ - is there any way we can help? Write a letter of complaint for you as a joint effort? Really feel for you.

Oh, so disappointing and so unfair

I third, and fourth the opinions that you should contact PALS and see if they can offer you some support. This isn't right.

Bumpety bump in case JandJ needs to find her thread. Mind you, if izzy is on those cocktails again, she'll need help finding the thread for her Thought for the Day!

I really like the idea of the new cocktail that her DF is concocting being called "Hope on a Rope". (Who suggested that?) I have wracked my brains but out of so many 'thoughts for the day' that really inspired me. It's that one about "when you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on" - it is still making an impact on me as I face my own challenges.

I have to collect LN (Dn) on Sunday as his Mum is off again for the weekend with the new boyfriend. LN will have a brilliant day on Saturday as he is being taken to an Olympic football match - but MUST be collected from the family on Sunday morning and Dn's Mum is in the Midlands with her new boyfriend.

LN's Mum and new boyfriend are off on a holiday abroad in a couple of weeks (LN is going to a Scout Camp) and I have to be 'the emergency contact'. So I have my knot tied tightly and am holding on! Are you JandJ? Are we on the same rope or hanging tightly beside each other?

I hope you are doing okay and taking some well deserved rest. Don't forget how to cuddle and laugh and giggle. Call the hospital every name you like - permission to swear if you need to

I'll check in later to see if you have been around - if not I'll check again tomorrow.

Didn't realise the 'Hope on a Rope' would be so poignant Sad. Treat the knot on the end like the the big ones on the bottom of Tarzan swings and sit down comfortably! Your DN is a very lucky boy to have you in his wider family. I'm sure there won't be any emergencies but if there were, what better person to be there with you.

Izzy is the recipe ready? Need to to test drive before prescribing (or have you already run the testing?)

JandJ I'm afraid FAN and SadWidow are right. You do have to shout loud and long and ask question after question. So I'm praying for you being calm and collected when it matters, and being able to rage and sob and laugh, as you need to, to stay strong. Enjoy some family time and know that we're here when you need us.

much going on on the hill but there is still some room and time for a thought for you and all yours JandJ hope that the DD is enjoying her holiday and that the (Shhhh don't tell Izzy) Olympics is providing a happy distraction if needed.

get that DH onto bar school (no I didn't say on a bar stool!!! although if hope on a rope turns up maybe that too) to look into late starts................

much love to all (SW I am glad that you are there for LN and DSis but hope that you also have enough time for you and friends and other things).

passing torch to the next poster until later....