I've gone into complete panic mode. Verging on hibernation mode. Please help.

[JackieandJudy]

Dh is ill, and has been since just after we met. Over the years we've had so much to deal with, and I think it would be fair to say that I have dealt with most of it reasonably well (I'm generally ok at coping when things are going wrong, it's usually afterwards I have a bit of a wobble).

The situation is slightly different this time in that, instead of finding ourselves in the middle of an emergency, he has a planned operation coming up for next Monday. And I'm so bloody scared. The odds we have been given are not good. I can't stop thinking about Monday and am constantly doing the "what if ...?" thing. The elder dc know it's serious stuff coming up and are scared themselves, hence are looking to us for guidance and reassurance. I've tried but today I'm all out of trying and have locked myself in the bedroom. Smallest dc knows Dad has to go to hospital but is oblivious of the wider implications.

I'm shaking constantly. I keep crying at random moments (yes, that was me in Sainsbury's who cried when I dropped the apples!), I can't do this for another week. But I have to. I don't want to talk to rl friends as I will cry and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me anyway.

But I'm happy to listen if any of you lovely ladies have any ways to help me get through this week, and possibly after.

There's nothing to forgive, honey. Everyone has their own crosses to bear but some can be said to self-imposed rather than imposed on them by external means, as has been the case for yourself and your dh.

I share your frustration with the often parlous state of the NHS and can only hope that you're up to putting a much needed rocket up the right arses.

My apologies for having been extremely remiss today but, on the basis of better late than never, here's a thought for the evening/night:

'Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out'

And it's to be hoped that things will turn out just fine for you and your dh, and for everyone who is troubled in mind or body.

Can DH have a word with course organisers. Some of them will record lectures and post (or they may already be online in some form) so he could do the first few weeks from home and then catch up in person. It would seem a shame to delay for so long. If there were modules he could get permission to start in january, take the Autumn courses next year and do exams in 2014...at least he could look into it which might prove distracting if you are waiting around!

best wishes xxfool

All I can say is keep pushing - keep ringing, leave as many messages as you want. I understand your anger and frustration, which builds when you don't feel you are being listened to and supported. I think Fool has a good idea about contacting course organisers, they may be able to offer a positive solution which will make your dh's life easier in the long run. (I know my Uni has been fab this year when I was having back problems).

As for other threads - remember neither of you chose to be in this position! be grateful that your relationship is strong and happy, but don't ever feel guilty about that - it's a gift you both deserve richly

Another thought for what remains of toay:

'Life lived for tomorrow will always be just a day from being realised'.

Hi all. Well we heard today that Dh's op is scheduled for 2nd August. I was a bit surprised because I thought the two surgeons involved only worked together on Mondays, but I was relieved. For about ten minutes. Now I've gone back to being on the permanent verge of tears. I keep having awful thoughts like "maybe this is dh's last week" or "this time next week he could be dead". There's no pleasing some people eh?

Dh is pleased and seems fine - although he has spent about an hour this afternoon playing old songs which he doesn't usually do. I avoided him as much as possible as couldn't trust myself not to cry. Will tell the dc tonight when they're all back from their various outings.

I'm glad the op has been scheduled and that your husband is coping. I think it's normal to be so wound up. My brother had cancer when he was younger, we're not even particularly close but I just remember being constantly on edge, especially when big dates were coming up. He's fine now.

I really hope it all goes well and that you'll keep posting.

O love (((hugs))) Take a into the bathroom and have a good wallow in the tub.

Thanks to my being in a different time zone I've been dispensing - or, as it seems to me, they've been choosing themselves - thoughts for the evening and here's tonight's:

'There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle'.

One of those miracles is that there is a procedure that may prolong and improve your dh's quality of life. Hang on to that thought, honey, and look for all of the other miracles that surround you at all times.

Thank you wise ladies - hope your brother is well now yellow?

I will try to hang on to the strong sensible thoughts izzy, and in my endeavour to do so, I have hit the gin! Where are you (if you don't mind me asking)?

He is JackieandJudy, passed the 6-year check-up recently which was the cut-off point for the cancer basically not coming back.

Like I said, we're not close at all, but it was a horrible time, very touch and go and as I wasn't a bone marrow match for him, absolutely nothing I could do.

I'm a great believer in alcohol as a strengthener of resolve, honey. Here's to you and your dh

I'm currently on the eastern seaboard of the USofA. Staying with my folks in Connecticut and enjoying a view over Long Island Sound. It's great to be home and be pampered for a while.

I usually reside in central London and I'm not planning to return to the UK until the Olimpricks are well and truly over.

It's taken some organising to get away for 6+ weeks and I intend to enjoy every second of it

Oh I'm so glad yellow. I can understand the "useless" feeling you went through, neither myself nor any of my family are suitable donors for dh.

izzy, I wish I hadn't asked you now, I'm insanely jealous! Don't blame you one bit for escaping the Olympricks (like that!) My step-dad is from USA, so we usually (dc and me, not usually dh cos of health sadly) spend lots of time over there during school hols. I hope you have a fab time - maybe you should be giving yourself a break from other people's problems and just enjoy!

Hi J&J, I'm glad that you have a date and that it isn't too far away. Your nervousness & worry is completely understandable, I think if you want to cry you should. Your dh demonstrated earlier in the week that he is well aware of your feelings anyway! Sometimes tears can be good, cleansing. I will raise a glass of vodka to you in a while!

Izzy - I'm jealous ...and I am NEVER jealous of anything or anyone!

Thank you lazarusb. I have been doing sneaky crying! The gin is doing a good job of anaesthetising (how do you sp ell that bloody word) things, but I will pay for it tomorrow. Enjoy your vodka, and yes, I'm jealous of izzy too.

For the time being I'm certainly in an enviable place but the only thing you have cause to be jealous of, honeys, is my pa's ability to make cocktails worthy of legend. I'm not a gin drinker but his Mainbrace is mouthwateringly good.

With a nod to the main event in London tonight, here's a thought for today from an Ancient Greek:

'It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that things are difficult'

so glad there is a date set, now make plans for the rest of the week and resolve to enjoy each and every one to sustain DH, you and DCs throughout the recovery period.

(and it's anaesthetize or anaesthetise except in USA where the z is always used.)

sorry pedant at large!

Hi all. izzie - can you take detailed lessons from your dad on how to make cocktails? No idea what a Mainbrace is but if it involves gin that's fine by me.

fool - I always struggle with that word, so thanks for help!

Just to let you know we are all going away tomorrow until Monday, so I probably won't post until then, but I will most definitely be bearing your wise words in mind. We're going to visit my dm as she wants to see dh before she goes away next week. Told the dc last night, they seemed fine except for dd, who has a holiday planned for a week beginning on 2nd August. Talk about sod's law! We are both telling her that we want her to go though as it has been planned for nearly a year now.

Have a lovely weekend everyone.

I've been taking notes on my pa's ability to mix a mean cocktail since I was knee-high to a grasshopper, honey, but I still can't manage to make them as good as his.

Nevertheless, here's his recipe for a Mainbrace - get ready to splice:

1 oz gin
1 oz Cointreau or other orange liqueur
1 oz grapefruit juice

NB. 1 oz is equivalent to a shot glass - size up to suit.

Half fill a cocktail shaker with ice and pour the ingredients over.

Put Dean Martin's Sway ('When Marimba rhythms start to play...') on full blast.

Shake the container with a Latino (think maracas) flourish for the first 2 verses.

Then strain the contents into a cocktail glass, and guzzle serve.

Tomorrow I'll give you the lowdown on the ultimate dirty martini

And the thought for today is:

'Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance'.

I'm in the land of zee as opposed to zed, fool. And now I'm going to get some zzzzzz's

Enjoy your break and I am glad for you to have something else to concentrate on.

Best wishes

Izzy.....sleep tight...and have one for me when Pop is next mixing it up!

No words of wisdom but just letting you know there's another here thinking of you and your man x x

Spinning off on the dancing floor....to await the thought for the wee small hours from over the pond...and just making sure the thread does not drop off the page, just in case it is needed.

Good luck for Thursday. Will keep your partner in my thoughts. If he is strong mentally I am sure he will be teasing you in a few weeks time for worrying so much :)

As promised, the ultimate downright mean and Dirty Martini recipe:

Put 2 teaspoonfuls vermouth into a cocktail glass and swill around the inside. Rub the rim of the glass with a wedge of lemon and squeeze a couple of drops of juice into the bottom of the glass.

Place glass in freezer to chill while you half fill a cocktail shaker with ice and pour over 2 ounces gin and 1 tablespoonful of green* olive juice - that is the brine from a jar/tin of olives.

Turn Mr Martin's 'Sway' up good and loud and shake with the usual Latino flourish for the first verse.

Remove cocktail glass from freezer, place one green olive into bottom of glass, and strain the contents of the shaker into the glass.

Salute! (with an accent over the 'e')

NB: my pa uses 'Sway' to determine the time he spends shaking his concoctions . He does a hilarious mean rumba; some years back he was quite taken with the Lambada but it played havoc with the quality of his cocktails

FWIW, pa's gin of choice for martinis is Tanqueray No.10 but that's his personal taste. I rarely drink gin but when I do I opt for Xoriguer or Bols Genever.

Tomorrow I'm switching to vodka - bloody mary soup, anyone?

*Use black olives if you wish or any colour olives plain or stuffed with whatever - pimentos are good.