I've gone into complete panic mode. Verging on hibernation mode. Please help.

[JackieandJudy]

Dh is ill, and has been since just after we met. Over the years we've had so much to deal with, and I think it would be fair to say that I have dealt with most of it reasonably well (I'm generally ok at coping when things are going wrong, it's usually afterwards I have a bit of a wobble).

The situation is slightly different this time in that, instead of finding ourselves in the middle of an emergency, he has a planned operation coming up for next Monday. And I'm so bloody scared. The odds we have been given are not good. I can't stop thinking about Monday and am constantly doing the "what if ...?" thing. The elder dc know it's serious stuff coming up and are scared themselves, hence are looking to us for guidance and reassurance. I've tried but today I'm all out of trying and have locked myself in the bedroom. Smallest dc knows Dad has to go to hospital but is oblivious of the wider implications.

I'm shaking constantly. I keep crying at random moments (yes, that was me in Sainsbury's who cried when I dropped the apples!), I can't do this for another week. But I have to. I don't want to talk to rl friends as I will cry and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me anyway.

But I'm happy to listen if any of you lovely ladies have any ways to help me get through this week, and possibly after.

Hello fool - couldn't believe the weather this morning! Very creepy...showed up all the spider webs {yuk face}! Sunny now though..and fairly warm

Finally got my square in the post today. Hope your comforter comforts you J&J

Hi ladies, sorry for the prolonged absence. The quilt sounds wonderful, I'm so touched that you've spent time and effort on us. I personally can barely sew on a button so I'm in awe of all that talent out there. Fool (and anyone else) please please please don't apologise - I in no way, shape or form expect anyone to go to any trouble on our behalf. The very fact that so many have just raises my spirits, and as Forever said earlier, this thread has been such an eye opener, and makes me feel calmer and much more grounded.

Sadly, not much to report in the way of improvement for Dh. Still not tackling the stairs, only perhaps once a week when a wash-down in the downstairs cloakroom is no longer adequate! He does at least have stronger painkillers now, although I have to talk him into using them. We went to see Mr Punjabi last Friday and the visit went something like this:

Mr P: "How are you?"

DH: "Bit fragile"

Mr P: "Well, youve been through a lot my friend. Go and have a chest xray and echogram and come back when you've got the results".

He didn't even get his stethoscope out! (Do docs still use stethoscopes?!). Call me stupid, but wouldn't it have saved everyone's time and money if we'd had the tests done beforehand? Dh was pinning quite a lot on the appointment as well. Anyway, tests now to be done on 31 Oct (Ds2's birthday - very appropriate birthdate for him!).

We've been to renal clinic several times, and it's always the same story, ie, to be expected , takes time etc. A couple of weeks back Dh seemed to take comfort in being told his recovery (or not) was apparently proceeding normally because he was quite cheerful. But he's back to despairing again now. I have pressed the issue when we've seen the renal consult, but I find it a bit hard because we've known him so long he's almost become a friend (I certainly consider him a friend, whether he looks on us in the same light I dont know) and I find it difficult to confront and push. I don't actually know what else I expect him to do either, so maybe we're both looking for too much to soon?

We had a near miss on the way to clinic yesterday. There is a windy, twisty stretch of road nearby which begins on the level before becoming quite steep. So we were on the way down, when a car coming up lost control and started spinning across the road. There was nothing I could do as there was a car behind me, a drop to one side and trees/bushes to the other side. We were both just sat there looking at this skidding sliding car (Dh later told me all he could think was how cross Mr P would be to find out his eleven hours of difficult surgery had been wasted!) At one point the other car was broadside on to ours, literally inches away, before it spun off again. It came to rest about a hundred feet away, and myself and the lady in the car behind ours both got out to see if the driver was ok. He was absolutely fine, no damage to his car even, just obviously very shaken. Not quite sure who called the ambulance, but one arrived within about ten minutes of us first spotting the car, so I just left our details with the other lady, and we went on our way to clinic.

Ds1 is absolutely loving university - well, the social side of it at least. He's not missing us at all from what I can gather. Which is how it should be of course but even so ...! Unfortunately, he's hating his course so is looking into changing. He actually needs to get on and do the changing now though, instead of just talking about it, or else I can see the whole year being written off. How is your course going Laz? My meeting the other week was good, just a small project, which I'm about half way through. But I've decided to make it my last one, I'm not enjoying it any more, and can't give myself to it the same way I used to. I do, however, have another plan up my sleeve for a little venture which may come to something ...! (Or not, we'll see).

Another essay from me, sorry all. Thank you for reading my ramblings and keeping the faith - I may not be here as often as I would like, but I do think of my lovely thread and it's lovely ladies very often.

So lovely to hear from you J......have a few sparkles...:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?-:¦::¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø:¦:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø.....I pinched em from Fool, but I know she won`t mind.

Sorry that you are not seeing much in the way of an improvement yet, with DH. It would only take a tiny bit of progress, to give him the spur he needs, to feel more positive too. It will happen though.

What a terrifying experience you had in the car! I imagine that really tested DH`s recent heart surgery! Thank God you are both OK.

Some more sparkles, and much love.....x. :?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?-:¦::¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø:¦:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø

Yes, wonderful to hear from you. Life is weird isn't it...all the stress you've been under and then that car! I can understand your dh being fed up with the pain and not wanting to take painkillers - I was guilty of the same myself last year when my back was bad and I could barely walk. At one point I was looking at wheelchairs and offering dh a divorce! I'd like to blame it on the diazepam but I think I'm really just a dramatic, miserable cow

You're right - if ds wants to change his course he should do it now because of how much he'll need to catch up as well as for Uni admin reasons. My course is going well thank you, loving it, although I forgot what it was like to study every day/evening! However, the fact I worked hard in year 1 has set me in good stead for year 2 - there are a few younger students who floated through last year and have had a shock this year!

Continue to take care and I hope no more spinning cars come your way

take those meds dh.....you'll be able to do more!!! i know you don't like popping the pills...but you'll be off them when the pain goes

Evening all! Thought I'd tell you all about my day, in the hope you can have a giggle at my expense!

So, this morning go to the local infant school with my friend to watch her ds in his first harvest assembly. All is lovely and wonderful - until, and I have no idea what sets me off, I start crying. I think I suddenly thought of Ds1 and how it seemed like five minutes ago he was an innocent faced little boy, and now look at him etc etc. Discover I have no tissues, neither does friend, so ask woman on other side of me, who kindly hands one over. Then, of course, she asks me which one is my child, so have to explain that, actually, er none of them are.

Next few hours proceed without incident. Then leave home at about 2.45, a bit early for ds1's school pick up, but have a stop to make en route.

So rush out of house with wallet, book (always take a book everywhere with me), phone, bottle of diet coke - and no car or house keys. Fortunately, neighbour has a key so go to ask to borrow it, dropping my stuff on driver's seat of car on way (never lock it, very careless I know). Neighbour very lovely, but very very talkative and am just not feeling chatty, so after few minutes, fib and say I have to go to school early. Get back to car to discover bottle of diet coke empty, car seat wet. Rush in to house to get bin liners to put on car seat. Drive to local Co-op, discover no wallet. Remember taking wallet into house with me when fetching bin liners. Drive home, retrieve wallet. Drive back to Co-op. Get out of car to discover have not only a wet, but also sticky, behind. Rush into shop - and bump into neighbour, the one I have justfibbed to not twenty minutes previously about having a meeting at school. Blush and blather on about wet behind (as you do). Rush to sweetie aisle, which in truth, is the entire reason I have left early for school run,and is the aforementioned "stop" I "have" to make, only to discover - NO MARSHMALLOWS.

By this time, I want marshmallows, only marshmallows, I need marshmallows, I am going to have marshmallows, whatever it takes. Decide to vary route to school slightly so can stop at newsagents where marshmallows may be found. Rush into shop (time passing rapidly now, no time for nice quarter of an hour outside school with my book and my sneaky sweets) and bump into kind tissue lady. Very nearly start crying again as look as if I have wet myself. Can also feel that I am flushed and probably have a slightly manic gleam in my eye. Lady says hello and leaves (quickly). Find marshmallows.

Get home. Take dd (17) and ds2 (virtually 15) to dentist. Dentist announces our surnames. Dc begin to argue about which one of them should go in first. I hear dentist say "are they there?" and his assistant saying laconically (like she's heard it all before) "they're fighting in the waiting room". Am sure the whole town will have heard by now of the embarrassing family. There is a lady with two small and very well behaved dd's looking scathingly at me, obiously marvelling at my incompetence and my dc's appalling behaviour. Am beyond caring and smile nicely at her.

Get home. Go to parents evening for ds3 but managed to get out of that one without doing to much damage, other than seeing the teachers in the wrong order.

So here I am finally, on sofa with laptop and much desired and looked forward to marshmallows - and the final disaster of the day (at least, I hope it's the final disaster)? The marshmallows are revolting. Disgusting in fact. Not my usual brand and they taste foul. It seems so unfair somehow ...

Thanks for reading, if indeed, you have. x

Thanks for that, I needed cheering up.

I'm sorry it's been a really bad day on the marshmallow front. My thoughts are with you

seriously though, it's good to see you with a sense of humour and a wet behind.....

I hope that DH is doing ok.

I've not popped in for a little while, It's a bit manic at the mo with starting a new job and attending language lessons why did I bloody start again I've not had much spare (mumsnet) time :(

JandJ I say this in the nicest way possible.....I've just almost pee'd myself laughing at your Marshmallow mission, mostly at the part where you were almost crying :) :) and also at your DC.

Seriously, I hope that DH strong painkillers help and that he starts to feel less pain.
Take care x

Thank you J and J, you've made my day! I nearly went back to the man in the ticket office at the train station I told him my ticket had the wrong date on it...how can it be the 25th October already?! Glad I didn't though.

We've all had days like that, at least yours was consistent!

what a week!
I hope you have a peaceful weekend with your favourite brand of marshmallows .... you deserve it [hwink]

When you have a bit more time, J and J, have a go at making your own marshmallows - they are divine and beat anything available from a shop!

have a good weekend and "onwards and upwards" is the phrase of the day here

Hi ladies, have recovered from marshmallow crisis, thank you for your sympathy! How do you make them yourself laz, sounds tricky. And what language are you learning don?

Am just here to wish everyone a great half-term - ds3 and I are going to visit Ds1 tomorrow and then straight from there to see Df. Leaving Dh, Dd and ds2 at home alone until Tues so hope all will be well in my absence.

Last night we were channel hopping and lit upon an episode of Celebrity Come Dine With Me, which Dh said he would like to watch. Was momentarily puzzled as not usually his cup of tea - but then I realised the "celebs" were guys he had known and been a contemporary of before illness overtook him, twenty odd years ago. He never said a word as we watched, but I swear I could feel waves of regret coming off him. Or maybe I couldn't and I'm just in a constant state of high hormonal alert . Next visit to hospital is on Wednesday, but don't epect there will be much to report.

Anyway, hope everyone has a peaceful, healthy and relaxing half-term (or, indeed, has already had one).

Hi J and J - I've never done a link before but here is the recipe I use (although I used raspberries instead). www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/756644/bramble-marshmallows

Hope that works, apologies if not! Hope you have nice half-term, enjoy visiting ds3. Hope Wednesday goes ok, do you think dh is suffering from depression? I think it might be worth mentioning at the Hospital, even though he will probably deny it. It's not always easy to see when you're so close to it. (Hope I haven't frightened you - it can be dealt with!).

Hi laz, thanks for that, will definitely give it a go over half-term. But, I fear my cooking skills won't be a patch on yours - I'll report back!

I'm not sure if dh is depressed - he's certainly been very up and down over the last few weeks, but I think that might be typical behaviour in the face of pain? He's always been the strong one (mentally), very optimistic and one of the only people I know who truly counts his blessings. I'm the one who went down to PND (which lasted about ten years I think!). I don't know, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to mention it.

I'm learning Polish JandJ and it's so difficult [hhmm] but I'm slowly very slowly getting there.
I really feel for your DH, well all of you actually. After what you've been through as a family I sincerely hope you can soon get back to normal, I'm sending more hugs, love and positive thoughts to you all (in English and Polish lol)

Hope everyone has a great weekend x

I know when my back was really bad for 5 months (couldn't dress myself/sit in the bath/walk far etc), I could feel myself slipping back into depression. I had it in 1999, related to bereavement so recognised the signs. If your dh is anything like mine, it will just be the frustration of not being able to do normal, every day things and coupled with the pain that can only be worse.

I just thought I'd mention it...it can be difficult to recognise. Have a good weekend/week

Depression is an insidious so and so J, and unfortunately the sufferer often puts their feelings down to other things initially. In DHs case though, it would be a miracle if he didnt feel down after all he has been through, making it even harder to know if anything else is going on. Just keep talking, and showing your love - as you always do - and hopefully, if he does need some extra help, it will become obvious, and he will accept it.

Have a lovely time with your DSs. Its good for you to have a little break now and then.x.

I'm sorry to hear you were in a pickle on your marshmallow day JandJ. I was going through something pretty seismic a few years ago and at one point I arrived at my front door and just couldn't find my keys. emptied out bag, nope, nowhere. Turned around only to find the car in the drive with the driver's door open, the engine running, and the keys, including house keys, in the ignition. Needless to say, I stopped driving for a bit - too blasted distracted, a danger to one and all.

I'm sorry your DH is having a rough time. ah, it can seem endless, you can't see the end, begin to doubt it will ever come and then one day you realise it has come, even passed you by without you noticing. re my disastrous car/key day - that was a few years ago and I can't even remember what was going on that had me so distracted. I could if I sat down and thought about it, of course, but other pretty darned horrible things have happened and it is lost in the melee. Whatever it was, it's over.

My nest is recently empty and that can creep up on you without you noticing. Not that your nest is empty but your big boy has gone and that's a biggie. It was for me, anyway. My neighbour, a very sensible, upright type, sobbed on her way to the shops and sobbed on her way back. As she passed my garden she said 'I'm sorry, I just can't help it'. her boy had gone to uni. So you're not on your own with that one.

Look after yourself though. Are you the type who forgets?

(SW I seem to have lost track of the site. Can you PM me again? thank you.)

Heavens J&J, what a day you had with the marshmallow hunt! I have to admit I laughed and laughed with each sentence taking me and DH a little closer to hysteria.

I'm sorry I haven't been around everyone for a few days. RL was a bit intrusive as far as MN time is concerned. I have been away from home in Wellington for a few days last week on business followed by a busy weekend with a friend's birthday party and a very loud joint party the following day at a LaserQuest sort of place for the DSs (10 and 8) birthdays. 15 screaming kids and assorted adults so loads of fun ;0)

The birthday do on Saturday for my friend was at some hot pools outside Auckland and the sun shone and splashy fun was had any all. I made one little mistake though. DH had been soaking his still poorly foot in the warm pools but eventually came to find me and the DSs. In a moment of family lightheartedness I limped along a few steps teasing him. A look from him, and a 'you'll have to catch me' from me, and I was in the pool. The tricky bit was that it was just that bit too shallow and I hit my foot on the bottom. It transpires that my heel is broken so... we are now a two moon-boot family! The DSs despair of us, I'm still laughing, and DH is having to man-up as I mustn't weight-bear until it's healed. Poetic justice all round

Oh my goodness Homebird! I can't imagine how painful that must be! ..and you are still managing to find humour in it...sounds like you are made of stern stuff. The hot pools and Laserquest sound fun though Although dd was at Battlequest recently and managed to get hit in the face with her friend's gun, as she turned to run away, she caught her friends foot on her shoe and managed to break her friend's toe!

I hope you and dh recover quickly and your children bring this up forever more when they are admonished for mishaps!

Hope everyone is well and keeping warm. Update on my square - I showed the 'finished article' to my Mum and she looked at it pityingly and said 'Don't worry, I can rescue that'.....so it's now in her capable hands and will be on it's way to SW as soon as it's returned to me in it's socially acceptable state!

J and J - I am in full Christmas pud mode, would you still like one? If so, PM me your address and I will put it in the post in the next 2/3 weeks. Take care x

Hi all, how is half-term going? Can't believe it's Friday already.

Oh Homebird, poor you, that sounds incredibly painful. I hope you're doing as instructed and putting, literally, your feet up. And hope Dh hasn't done too much of the "serves you right" type stuff!

laz, thank you so much for offer of Xmas pud, and the answer is "yes please" but only if you will let me pay you. I've just tried to pm you but couldn't do it for some reason. Could you have a go at pm'ing me when you get a chance, and I'll see if I can reply.