what do you do if they refuse to believe they have a problem??

[tennesseyhennessey]

Have been plodding along since big fight end of may bank holiday weekend with DH. Since then we have had periods where he has just ignored me, put all mine and dds shoes in bin bag because he was fed up of looking at them. (they were under a radiator drying out from all the rain, not intentionally left out) And finally when looking afte the Dc yesterday morning, he lost his temper and smashed ds pirate ship by throwing it on floor in front of both dc.

My SDad picked them up in the afternoon as dh had to work and this was the first thing dd told him, 'daddy got angry and broke 'dsname' pirate ship'. It was also the first thing she told me. She's upset (5years) and doesnt want us to go home because 'daddy always shouts'. Stayed at my SDads last night, as dh on nights and i was out for dinner. Dh has not denied it, and called me a hypocrite becasue i lose my temper and do tell them off but i never show violence and i always apologise if i shout. He didnt seem upset my me telling him the kids are scared of him.

He saw a dr for depression but only took the 4 week tablets he was given to try, he was meant to go back but claims there's nothing wrong. How can i make him see this isnt right or is it pointless? I spend my time anxious of him coming home because i dont know what mood he's in. He's never hit me or the kids but im worried what may happen if he's capable of breaking toys in anger. I dont know what to do?!

What do you do if they refuse to believe they have a problem?

You accept that they do not want to change, and make your own decision as to where that leaves you.

Time to think of what help you and DC need, rather than him, since he obviously does not want help. I recommend you read the links at the start of the Emotional Abuse support thread.

Didn't want to leave unanswered.

Was that pirate ship something your DS had made at school? that is horrific :'(

he really has a problem doesn't he my dad did that and it used to really scare me, and don't be fooled into thinking its not deliberate , it is.

I would tell him to change or leave.

Why does he do that? Inside the mans of angry and controlling men

If your dd had deliberately broken your ds' pirate ship, you would have spoken very sternly to her and probably punished her for her bad behaviour (or likewise if your ds had smashed something of your dd's). Why should their dad get away with unacceptable behaviour for a child, never mind an adult? It was a cruel and spiteful thing to do.

Where is ds' apology for the damage to his ship? I hope it isn't irreparable, btw.

Your children need to know that their things - and they - are safe. Of course accidents happen but no-one should be deliberately destroying other people's stuff. Your DH needs to leave whilst he works out how to manage his anger.

I will have a look at that thread thank you. When he did the shoes thing last weekdn i left for a few hours with kids toget some air after i told him whilst crying that he was a bully. When i got home it was like nothing had happened, he was lovely. He's like two people, but to the extreme, overly nice and attentive and then can be so cruel and cold does that even make sense??

The pirate ship was a playmobil one ds got for xmas last year. It happened because when he went in to the kids room, they were playing but it was a mess. He told them to clean it up adn when he went back he said it was even more of a mess and thats when dd said he broke it. The dc are 3 & 5.

It horrifies me what might happen if they relay this behaviour to a teacher.

Yes, it makes sense. Every single person who has been in an abusive relationship talks about this cycle of nasty and nice, Jekyll and Hyde... It's part of the pattern. If he wasn't nice some of the time, you would never have stuck around. The nice parts are the bait: they keep you hoping that if he can be like that some of the time, then surely he can be like that all of the time.

He can't.

Here's the link to the support thread

Listen to HotDAMN (esp first post)

He won't change. He will keep you dangling hoping, (with crumbs of normal behaviour) until you have forgotten what a nomal relationship is like

If not for you, for your DC...what do they deserve out of life?

If he will not accept that he has a problem then I'm really sorry but you need to bail out

It is very very difficult for someone like this to change, If they admit and know they have a problem and want to change, it is still really hard. If they don't it is almost impossible and may even get far worse.

His behaviour is goingto make your lives miserable, because you will all be anticipating it all the time, and that is no life.

Have you any thoughts about where you would go, if you left, or whether he would agree to leave?

I seriously could not stay in an environment/atmostphere like that. So sorry, it will behard but not as hard and nowhere NEAR as damaging as if you stay with this man.

Sorry for awful typing btw. Computer is currently on the floor so I am crouching over it...I wanted to add also that I have recently left a man who was beginning to show signs of this sort of behaviour, and I am pregnant by him, so it was not an easy decision but I knew it would be better in the long run. I found out a couple of weeks after, that he has a long history of domestic violence, so I was right to go.

I know how hard it is to contemplate but really this is untenable, isn't it? It will slowly destroy you and your children.

Maybe you should tell him the truth ? like

'If the children repeat this to a teacher we could loose our children because of your behaviour'

do you think that would make him think??

Definitely read the Lundy Bancroft book linked above. It's amazing! The Jeckyll & Hyde analogy is spot on. He won't change but you can make a change happen for you & DCs by stopping this right now by ending the relationship. Easy for me to say but do you want your kids to grow up like this?

Yes exactly - you can't make him change, you can only control your own response to his current and previous behaviour, ie what you do about it, and to me that would mean getting out of the immediate relationship/situation, getting out of a situation where you are sharing a living space and making sure that he does not have the children when you are not there, really. If at all possible.

You might want to ring up Womens Aid to get details of your local outreach service for women - they usually have free legal advice clinics, so you can get help with access arrangements and what you're allowed to do in terms of protecting the children and yourself.

0808 2000 247 I think or they have a good website

When you are in a relationship like this it is terrifying to think of what life might be like alone. I was overwhelmed by what I thought were the logistics of working as a single parent with 2 children. It is wonderful, in reality, so much easier than being with someone so predictable. 6 months after I separated from my depressed (alcoholic) ex I am so much happier, and so are the children. Certainty, stability and not tiptoeing around someone is wonderful, I highly recommend it.

Thank you for all the kind replies, ive been reading the linked thread. I guess i thought there might be a way to make him change but it seems like there is no hope of that.

I just remembered something that happened the other day. I dont drive and Dh drives in his work so hates driving on days off and giving me lifts. Ds nursery is a 15 min bus ride and a further 10 min walk. WHen i got to nursery he was asleep ill with a high temp, i knew i couldnt do the journey becasue he was out for the count, he doesnt use a pushchair and i had a few shopping bags. DH was off but instead of ringnig him to get us a rang my Sdad. I remember hanging up the phone to my sdad and thinking how bloody awful it was that i was too anxious to ring DH to come and help me get home with our poorly ds!

Yes same here. I am newly separated from stbxh who displayed similar traits. Shouting "fuck you" at me in front of DCs, throwing a glass cafetiere full of hot coffee across the room, calling me & DD names ...... The list goes on. I was terrified of being a single parent with 4 DCs & clung on until he eventually left after I got some balls & started fighting back. I'm still reeling from this but life is so much calmer. My young DDs are so much happier & settled. There is no tension & abuse.

hennessey I'm sorry that you and your DC are going through this.

Listen to what people here are saying.

I've been in a similar situation to you. I tried everything to make my H see that his behaviour was wrong. Nothing worked. He occasionally seemed to understand and often said he would change but it was all crap. He would often be lovely and kind but then the bad behaviour would reappear.

I've recently made the decision to end our relationship because I finally realised what MNetters had been telling me for months that he will never understand and take responsibility for his own behaviour.

You may decide to do what I did and spend a period of time trying to make him understand. Trying to help him. Hoping to make him really see that what he's doing is damaging you and your DC.

Please don't let it go on too long though...keep a diary of why happens each day so you can look back and make a logical and sensible decision when your emotions are all over the place.

(hug)

Sorry...'what happens' not 'why'

HotDAMN has it spot on and so do the other posters. The trouble is that once one thing has been broken in anger and the person who did it takes no responsibility or acknowledges that it was wrong, they have shown you and the DCs what they are capable of and you are all put in the position of watching your backs and you will be mentally praying that the DCs don't wind him up. What kind of pressure does that put on a 3 and 5 year-old? What kind of pressure does that put on you?
Take a deep breath, leave him alone until you have read the Lundy Bancroft and then it's time for him to shape up and get help or ship out. You need to be calm and collected to do that, so take as long as you need.

I can stay here at my Sdads house, DH is out at work at 3 so will go home and get some stuff. I find it hard to tell him how i feel face to face as i usually end up crying so much i forget what i need to say and i usually get told to stop playing the martyr and that im not perfect, which i know im not.

I was thinking of writing it all down, the things he's done over the last month so i can get it all down without being interrupted.

He doesnt really shout, he ignores me. Doesnt really swear at me although he has muttered at me to fuck off during arguments.

despite it all i dont want to hurt him, he hates his job and he only does it because we need the money. I know he resents me being slef employed, he thinks i have it easy but its hard trying to run a business and i do it so he doesnt ever have to do anything with the kids.

Im rambling sorry.

I would be vey worried about where this is heading - emotional abuse, now he has started throwing/breaking things - what next? In my experience, it leads to violence. My ex was emotionally abusive, with moments of being lovely, sorry, apologetic etc to keep me believing he could change. After a while he started throwing things - usually against walls - kicking things, smashing things. Then he started pushing me. And shaking me, throwing things AT me. There were dents in the walls where he'd thrown things at me and missed. I thought to myself: if someone was doing this to my friend, what would I want her to do? So I mustered up all my strength and I left. There is no doubt in my mind that the violence would have escalated. Your DH seems unconcerned about his behaviour; I would be VERY concerned.

Yes make careful plans, get all your paperwork, birth certificates etc to a safe place. Make sure you have a separate single bank account he can't access with some money in it. Things can escalate quite quickly once he realises you're not taking any more crap. I agree - leave him alone, don't challenge him & read the book while you prepare.

If you can stay at DSDs while you get sorted more the better but get ALL your paperwork today

Agree with writing it all down plus then you have clear grounds to give a solicitor if you want to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour.